need a rant

Oh sparky - I truly do understand. My OH has PD and, although he functions extremely well, given that he has had it for over 10 years, there are small things (just as you describe) that others looking in from the outside would simply not realise or notice; but they are things that alter the balance of a relationship. What was an equal relationship now has an element of imbalance in it.

You are NOT a bad person - you are human and regret for what was and can never be again is a normal emotion and often expresses itself as a feeling of anger. Please don't beat yourself up about this - go with it; live in that emotion and that moment for now, then you will be able to move on tomorrow. Feeling angry with your OH would normally have been defused by a discussion (?row) and then allowed to die away. In the sort of relationship that is inevitable when one partner is unwell, biting the tongue and not having the chance to get something out of your system is a problem - I know!

Have a yell on here - feel free - we can take it!

You are definitely not a bad person.

sparky Of course you're not a bad person, you're a human being, who is doing her best. (((hugs)))

My OH has PD and has really regressed , he has been in Hospital then a care home for 11 weeks and gets home tomorrow . I had booked a holiday , 5 days bus trip , several months ago when he was still on his feet and now feel guilty that the family have persuaded me to go , they are going to stay here and look after him . So ...... no ....... you are not a bad person , but maybe I am ....

to say feeling better already is a bit premature but you GNetters are a great bunch and I thank you it does help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh Aggie you are not and obviously your family know you need a break go on your bus trip and have a good time

Neither of you have any reason to feel bad or guilty. Carers have emotional needs others may not understand.
sparky rant away
aggie enjoy your holiday and recharge your batteries

No aggie no - do not even go there. Enjoy your holiday; enjoy the brief freedom and then you will come back refreshed and able to soldier on. You will have more to bring to him by having a proper break, and your family will have a better understanding of the problems you are facing by having constant contact for 5 days. I know how hard it is, but if you do not look after yourself, you cannot look after him. There is no need to feel guilty - the fact that the family are persuading you to go means that they understand how much you need it.

Repeat after me.........I am NOT a bad person!

Listen girls, none of you are bad people, or if you are, I want to join the club! DH had a minor stroke (arm and speech, both better now, although thinking is clearly slower) just 4 weeks ago but has been back in hospital because (I think) anti coagulants triggered a gastric bleed and as fast as they could transfuse blood into him, it was clearly leaking elsewhere. He suffers from low Hb anyway probably down to ongoing bleeding which no one can trace exactly, and has 2 units of blood about every 3 weeks. He is permanently tired, grumpy, demoralised and worried sick about the prognosis. I too like you, have to carry on for both of us, do everything (bar wiping his nose or any other part of his anatomy) keep upbeat, drive him to about 3 or 4 medical appointments each week, bite my tongue, forget about a social life and try not to feel resentful. Do I always succeed? What do you think?

I meant to add
!!!

alea and

sparky I wish there was something more to offer than virtual .

... and to everyone else too.

It's human nature, that's all.We think we didn't sign up for this ( whatever this may turn out to be) but of course that is exactly what we did, 'in sickness and in health' etc.but it's still hard to do, with a smile, all the time.
to you all.x

Of course not sparkygran I am there, bought and worn the t-shirt. AsAlea says a social life is a past dream. It is just after 8pm and my H is asleep in the chair as he is every evening. He does nothing in the house because he can't not because he doesn't want to. I have to carry him in every thing. We live this life because we have to not because we want to. I feel I am quite lucky as I am now 78 and had a decent life until about 4 years ago , some of you are much younger and will have it for longer than me.

Strop away, as much as you like, fully permitted on here, anytime.

You're all doing the best you can under circumstances that you didn't sign up to, beyond the 'in sickness and in health' bit, when life chucked you a curveball.

Being a Carer is bloody hard work, so it's hardly surprising that sheer exasperation/frustration/anger or whatever kicks in from time to time. Be kind to yourself, [ and ((hugs)) to you all x

And from me too (((hugs))) to you all.

I think that it can be difficult even if you are not at the stage where you would describe yourself as a carer. Things change in subtle ways that make a relationship very different from how it was - in ways that outsiders do not see. And it does not have to be the need for physical care; it can be the need to support psychologically and help the person to keep their spirits up - that can be very hard work. And quite wearing.

On average it takes 10 years of being in a caring role before someone recognises themselves as such, whether giving physical, mental, emotional or psychological support or care.

Often it isn't until the carer's own health is affected or they start feeling that they can't cope, that they recognise themselves as such sadly. There are organisations that can offer help and support to unpaid carer's - Carer's UK, Carer's Trust are two.All carers are entitled to an assessment of their own needs (usually accessed via Social Services but often done by Carer's centres), and can access free breaks from the caring role etc.

1 in 4 of us is, or will be a carer, and you save the government more than £850bn a year- more than the total NHS budget....sobering thought, isn't it?

Particularly empathise with Luckygirl's post. I do not see myself as a "career" but I suppose I am!!
I suspect most of us just "get on with it" don't we?

Very sobering indeed, loopylou. Had an honest conversation with my husband recently about what we both hope and fear for the future. It didn't half take the edge off an anniversary special meal out but was a conversation that needed to happen. Huge respect and admiration to those finding themselves in a caring role. We may sign up for it but I guess its not what any of us hope for.

Sparkygran, if you are a bad person, then I am positively evil! I spend most of every day feeling miserable, sometimes crying when I`m on my own. My husband has been passed as clear from everything now apart from his heart attack, and even that the cardiac nurse says he`s doing great. So why does he still play the invalid card? He doesn`t do anything around the house, but he never has anyway. I just can`t seem to help feeling resentful and "put upon", and hoping things will change. Sorry if this sounds self pitying, it probably is.

Sparkygran you are anything but bad!!! Ditto all of us who are caring in various ways for impaired OH. I was told that as on an aeroplane " Fix your own oxygen mask first*. You must remember that Aggie and go on your holiday with a spring in your step. We can do no good as burnt out resentful wrecks can we? I have just returned from a wonderful two weeks in the US with my brother and SiL which my family persuaded me I should. It has given me such renewed energy and if I do feel niggled about domestic restrictions, I can take refuge in lovely memories. We are only human after all. to all whose partnership has shifted dramatically!