Is it me

I'm very sorry, ethelbags. I guess if she's always been like this, she's not going to change now.

Does she live with you?

Ethelbags, your mother's personality and rudeness is not your responsibility. It's not your fault, Ethelbags, that you mother is old and bad tempered. Maybe if you wore good earplugs when you are in her company you could more easily continue to care for her. I do worry about the silly old bag as obviously she needs you badly.

Aw, Ethel, this is a miserable situation for you. This may come across as harsh but I really don't mean it that way.
Being submissive and not standing up to her is enabling her to continue bullying you.
Do things your way and when she says something, just say you are doing it your way or no way, her choice. Then stick to your guns, you must not back down.

It's your behaviour which feeds her behaviour. Changing yours will change hers.

If you speak up I expect she will tell you you're shouting. However, you can write everything down on a weekly kitchen diary or on a memo pad so that she can't accuse you of not telling her things.
Tell her quite firmly that you live how you please just as she lives how she pleases.
If she starts nagging go into another room and do something else - hum or sing to block out her grumbling. Then, when you've finished what you need to do for her, give her a cheery goodbye and go back to your own home - and relax.

My mum got quite unpleasant towards the end part of her life, saying exactly the same kind of things. I mumbled, I had such a miserable face that the neighbours didn't like me, I couldn't do much that was right, really. What hurt the most was that she and my daughter (who was the absolute apple of her eye) were almost estranged at the end. She seemed to lose any empathy, thinking only of herself. It was very difficult, and I mourn the loss of the mum I knew. I had given up work to care for her, and I bitterly regretted it some days.

Years ago we were like sisters. I lived at home till 29. That person has now gone. To be fair she can be nice at times and if i was in need she wiuld help but on her terms. Latest issue is hr heating she wont turn it up and her house is cold. I need to argue to get her to see its for her own good. I live 2 doors away and if she sees my car shes on the fone to see why im home. Grrrrr

ethelbags I spent/wasted all my adult life trying to please my mother - all I did was make myself depressed and unhappy - stand up to her!! Good Luck.[flowers}

You’re describing the relationship I had with my mum until very recently. We didn’t live together but lived just minutes apart and her expectations of me, together with that constant negativity and chipping away at me became too much. I’ve moved far enough so as to cut those daily expectations but still be near if needed in an emergency. She acted as if I was abandoning her but my brother still lives with her so that’s not true. 18 months on things have improved enough that I no longer hate her. It’s not the solution for everyone but it certainly helped my sanity.

I tried to think that my poor old mum had lost control of her own life in almost every respect. Controlling me was all she had left, really. So, I gritted my teeth, swore at her in my head, and tried to do my best by her, as she had always done for me, when she had still been able.

Can you gently and calmly take her to task next time she is rude to you? Don't generalise or say you always do this or that. Just point out that the comment she has just made is rude and hurtful and you are trying your best to help her. Then repeat this after 2-3 days when she is rude again. Hopefully she will reflect on her behaviour. Good luck

Ethelbags, let the phone ring! You don’t have to answer it! It’s like she’s calling you to heel.

You are putting yourself in the way of her behaviour, if she doesn't live with you just don't answer the phone or the door if she calls.

Don't take what she says to heart either, it is up to you how you take on board what she says.

Just fill your life up with other stuff and let emotional distance protect you from having your feelings hurt.

We all have to get old sometime and often get crabbit (new words from a friend describing her husband thus last week) it is hat it is old age can be very wearing.

My sister has always been like that, just plain nasty and sarcastic. I think Radicalnan is right, stop putting yourself in the way of her behaviour.

My mum died at 73 and I sometimes wonder what she would have been like had she lived longer. And then I speculate what sort of old misery I might be in 10 years or more. Do we all become our mothers? So far, I've lived four years longer than mine did.

Along time ago I stopped asking why is my mother treating me like this, I asked myself, why am I allowing her to. A couple of years ago after a final dreadful, hypocritical accusation, I told her that if she ever spoke to me like that again I would walk out of her life for good. My sister lives abroad and my poor brother is ill with cancer, so I have to do everything, but I will not be verbally abused ever again. She has altered her attitude toward me but we will never be close. You have to tell how you feel firmly and assertively, they do not respond to subtle. If she won’t listen, send her a letter, but do it for your own sanity and peace of mind. Good luck ?

I do feel for you - my mother and I had a very difficult relationship. Nothing I did was ever good enough in her eyes. She was very controlling and I hate to say it but I was afraid of her until about 6 months before she died when her health started to deteriorate. She relied on me for everything so her attitude did change slightly. My biggest regret is that I didn’t question her regarding behaviour towards me and tell her when she upset me. I agree with Teetime’s comment about wasting my adult life trying to please her. I really resent how her attitude towards me has had such an effect on me.

You are describing the majority of mother-daughter relationships!
Quite honestly, my mother was always a bossy woman, but did it so charmingly that I was in my late twenties before I started to realise what she was actually doing, and took steps to prevent it.

In her old age, she turned into the woman ethelbags is describing, so I know precisely what it feels like. We put up with it as long as we could, until the day when my sister told her bluntly that if she wanted help, we were willing and trying to help, but her complaining all the time about the help she received did not make us feel like going on helping!

It took both my father and I over half an hour to console my sister afterwards and convince her that what she had said was nothing less than the truth and long overdue at that. My mother actually did try to be nicer to us afterwards.

So please, draw some lines as others have already suggested and don't feel guilty.

If your mother can afford to pay for more heat, then I suggest you turn it up, a little at a time. If she notices, tell her either that the weather is quite mild for the time of year, or tell her more honestly that you are worried she will quite literally catch her death of cold. Pneumonia is a real danger at her time of life.

If she is clinically depressed have a word with her GP. If she is just moody, try to ignore it, or tell her that she is making your life a misery as well as her own by her moodiness.

I know we were brought up to respect our elders, but respect does have to be earned, after all.

etheltbags1
Looking back at how my mother treated me even to the last months of her life I can feel for you as your own mum should be the last to treat you like this So why does your mother treat you as she does.?
From your thread you say she has always been a bully
Was she too bullied ?made to feel worthless.?
For me I later realised was down to bonding
My paternal grandmother, who I had adored was the matriarch of the family and who had considered my mother incapable of rearing granny's pride and joy son's child. Until I was in my teens I always though of granny as my mum. Her only grandchild and I could do no wrong.
I have no ideas how you can deal with this as reasoning telling her how hurt you feel will be water off a ducks back. Other than help and advice from another relative its bite your tongue remember it is not your fault so fill your life with things you enjoy. Your mother will survive your cold shouldering .They always do.

I was in the same boat as you Ethel. Mum is now in a care home (90 & not very mobile, also losing her way a little). I hate going to visit as its a 2 hour drive to get there & arguments for the whole of the visit. My health has not been good for the past year so I'm afraid I don't go as often as I maybe should, but I know she's being cared for & I feel I need to put myself first at the moment. I don't know how I'll feel when she passes on. Very guilty probably!

Cannot help wondering if your mum has early onset dementia ? has she seen a doctor recently ?I only ask because my husband (aged 84) was always 'difficult' and controlling (or trying to be !) aggressive and with a temper ...but this all got much worse in the last couple of years and then he was diagnosed as having vascular dementia and Parkinson's disease ....sounds quite familiar ....if she will go try making her an appointment with the doctor ...good luck

Is your mum still able to go out I know once my mum was at home all the time she did get very negative and followed a strict routine she said to keep going. I do sympathise its difficult to be got at all the time

etheltbags1, I have a mother a little like yours although her deafness tends to be selective and she can always hear the stuff you don't want her to! I used to get quite depressed about her continual criticism about my appearance, the way I spend my money, the way I bring my children up, blah-di-blah-di-blah but now I don't take any notice and just respond with a, "It's a good job you are living your life and I am living mine," line. I find it stops her in her tracks. It doesn't stop the initial criticism but stops it escalating.

I'm so sorry to read that your mum is making you unhappy. Maybe it's the only way she can feel in control although I'm DEFINITELY not condoning her behaviour.
It's not clear as to whether your mum lives with you or you just visit from time to time.
Could you suggest to her that, as she seems unhappy with the way that you do things and the fact that she can't hear you speak clearly (yes, I KNOW it's her not you) she might want a carer to come in several times a week to do those things for her. Explain that you are a little tired of not being able to please her and maybe it's time for a fresh face and a fresh way of doing things. Say that you can arrange for the manager of a care company to visit and see what her requirements are and your mum will be able to tell the carer how she likes things done.
This is simply to jolt her into seeing what a godsend you are and, hopefully, to value the time you give to attend to her needs.
Of course, I expect her to rubbish the idea BUT it might wake her up to the fact of her treating you poorly.
It might be worth actually going through with it ( just the visit) and then your mum will see what that type of care costs in the real world. I do hope that things turn out well for both of you. You must not ruin YOUR health in the process of looking after your mum. Take care.

My father was like your mum - bullying sort and much worse when he was in his last years. Some of the things he did and said those last years still hurt nearly 40 years on!

However, once it became obvious his bullying had risen to new heights I did some research and discovered quite a lot of the unpleasantness stemmed from his medications. After that it was less painful for me - and I did find suggesting to him when I noticed he was winding himself up to 'full-roar' that 'It's just your meds, Dad.' brought him up short.

I did take over his medication schedule. He wasn't happy but I insisted on meeting with his doctors and going over his doses and administration times - turned out he was on too high a dose of some meds and too low on others. Bit of an improvement after that but to be completely honest he did continue trying to bully everyone he knew straight up to the day he died. Still, knowing the escalation was down to his meds helped me considerably.