Is it me

Dear Ethelbags you are clearly not alone. A whole army of daughters cheering you n. My dm was lovely but her sister! Poison and bile and envy and misery. And my poor mother looked after her and then her brother . I appreciate that life does not match up to their dreams for some but it was the unkindness of the aunt which looking back meant that I went through the motions of birthdays and christmases but avoided all contact with her. You can't do that with your mum but you can develop selective deafness.

Change your phone number, or, even better move house.

Sounds like my daughter with the heating and as she won’t consider anyone else but her self I don’t visit as I refuse to sit talking to her with my coat on or clutching a hot water bottle. Also wants everything done her way and watches me or her carers to make sure it’s done and is really quite rude to me. So there we are, I phone her most days and pass any problems over to her carers or social worker. You need to stand up to your mother and enjoy your own life. There is no excuse for bullying or rudeness however older I’ll they are.

It's not clear as to whether your mum lives with you or you just visit from time to time.
Gabriella I think that ethel said her mother lives a couple of doors away, so mother can see her coming and going.
A bit close for comfort.

I’m thinking this goes back a long way and runs deep. I can relate to that and have needed support and help to comes to terms with my feelings since my mother died. It seems to me, there’s two choices, you either control your feelings and bite your tongue for the rest of her lifetime (which was what I did) or you say what you feel now, getting it into the open and deal with the repercussions now. Only you can decide...either way isn’t easy. Sorry it’s such a difficult time. As someone said to me, some things just can’t be resolved. This situation may be one of them. Let’s hope we have better and easier relationships with our own children.

I have taken note of all your comments and she has agreed to see a doctor about her hearing. If i can communicate with her it should be easier to at least have a conversation

You don't say how old she is, but is this dementia beginning to take a hold? It often changes people's personality so a talk to her GP might be instructive. My mother was very deaf but wouldn't admit it (I am too - sigh - but at least I don't pretend otherwise!). Coupled with the vascular dementia she eventually developed and changes in her personality/behaviour, it made caring for her very difficult and in the end she needed a car home.
As LongHaulGran says, a review of her medication could be helpful too.

Ethelbags, buy yourself one of those phones that displays the callers number. Then if your mother rings you can choose whether or not to answer. It will be good for her to realise you are not always at her beck and call.

She might be showing signs of Dementia. My mother also got very nasty as she aged and she had dementia.

I had a wonderful childhood but my DM became jealous of me when I hit puberty. She hated any time I spent with my DF, tried to poison relationships with boyfriends and put me down indirectly all the time. Things only improved in really old age when she had to move into a care home when she developed cancer and I visited everyday so she got the attention she wanted - although daily visits of several hours still weren’t enough. She did once tell me we are a jealous family so she couldn’t help it. I was younger and had all she’d always wanted. She failed to see the wonderful life she had had. Jealousy is poison.