Is it me

I had a wonderful childhood but my DM became jealous of me when I hit puberty. She hated any time I spent with my DF, tried to poison relationships with boyfriends and put me down indirectly all the time. Things only improved in really old age when she had to move into a care home when she developed cancer and I visited everyday so she got the attention she wanted - although daily visits of several hours still weren’t enough. She did once tell me we are a jealous family so she couldn’t help it. I was younger and had all she’d always wanted. She failed to see the wonderful life she had had. Jealousy is poison.

She might be showing signs of Dementia. My mother also got very nasty as she aged and she had dementia.

Ethelbags, buy yourself one of those phones that displays the callers number. Then if your mother rings you can choose whether or not to answer. It will be good for her to realise you are not always at her beck and call.

You don't say how old she is, but is this dementia beginning to take a hold? It often changes people's personality so a talk to her GP might be instructive. My mother was very deaf but wouldn't admit it (I am too - sigh - but at least I don't pretend otherwise!). Coupled with the vascular dementia she eventually developed and changes in her personality/behaviour, it made caring for her very difficult and in the end she needed a car home.
As LongHaulGran says, a review of her medication could be helpful too.

I have taken note of all your comments and she has agreed to see a doctor about her hearing. If i can communicate with her it should be easier to at least have a conversation

I’m thinking this goes back a long way and runs deep. I can relate to that and have needed support and help to comes to terms with my feelings since my mother died. It seems to me, there’s two choices, you either control your feelings and bite your tongue for the rest of her lifetime (which was what I did) or you say what you feel now, getting it into the open and deal with the repercussions now. Only you can decide...either way isn’t easy. Sorry it’s such a difficult time. As someone said to me, some things just can’t be resolved. This situation may be one of them. Let’s hope we have better and easier relationships with our own children.

It's not clear as to whether your mum lives with you or you just visit from time to time.
Gabriella I think that ethel said her mother lives a couple of doors away, so mother can see her coming and going.
A bit close for comfort.

Sounds like my daughter with the heating and as she won’t consider anyone else but her self I don’t visit as I refuse to sit talking to her with my coat on or clutching a hot water bottle. Also wants everything done her way and watches me or her carers to make sure it’s done and is really quite rude to me. So there we are, I phone her most days and pass any problems over to her carers or social worker. You need to stand up to your mother and enjoy your own life. There is no excuse for bullying or rudeness however older I’ll they are.

Change your phone number, or, even better move house.

Dear Ethelbags you are clearly not alone. A whole army of daughters cheering you n. My dm was lovely but her sister! Poison and bile and envy and misery. And my poor mother looked after her and then her brother . I appreciate that life does not match up to their dreams for some but it was the unkindness of the aunt which looking back meant that I went through the motions of birthdays and christmases but avoided all contact with her. You can't do that with your mum but you can develop selective deafness.

My father was like your mum - bullying sort and much worse when he was in his last years. Some of the things he did and said those last years still hurt nearly 40 years on!

However, once it became obvious his bullying had risen to new heights I did some research and discovered quite a lot of the unpleasantness stemmed from his medications. After that it was less painful for me - and I did find suggesting to him when I noticed he was winding himself up to 'full-roar' that 'It's just your meds, Dad.' brought him up short.

I did take over his medication schedule. He wasn't happy but I insisted on meeting with his doctors and going over his doses and administration times - turned out he was on too high a dose of some meds and too low on others. Bit of an improvement after that but to be completely honest he did continue trying to bully everyone he knew straight up to the day he died. Still, knowing the escalation was down to his meds helped me considerably.

I'm so sorry to read that your mum is making you unhappy. Maybe it's the only way she can feel in control although I'm DEFINITELY not condoning her behaviour.
It's not clear as to whether your mum lives with you or you just visit from time to time.
Could you suggest to her that, as she seems unhappy with the way that you do things and the fact that she can't hear you speak clearly (yes, I KNOW it's her not you) she might want a carer to come in several times a week to do those things for her. Explain that you are a little tired of not being able to please her and maybe it's time for a fresh face and a fresh way of doing things. Say that you can arrange for the manager of a care company to visit and see what her requirements are and your mum will be able to tell the carer how she likes things done.
This is simply to jolt her into seeing what a godsend you are and, hopefully, to value the time you give to attend to her needs.
Of course, I expect her to rubbish the idea BUT it might wake her up to the fact of her treating you poorly.
It might be worth actually going through with it ( just the visit) and then your mum will see what that type of care costs in the real world. I do hope that things turn out well for both of you. You must not ruin YOUR health in the process of looking after your mum. Take care.

etheltbags1, I have a mother a little like yours although her deafness tends to be selective and she can always hear the stuff you don't want her to! I used to get quite depressed about her continual criticism about my appearance, the way I spend my money, the way I bring my children up, blah-di-blah-di-blah but now I don't take any notice and just respond with a, "It's a good job you are living your life and I am living mine," line. I find it stops her in her tracks. It doesn't stop the initial criticism but stops it escalating.

Is your mum still able to go out I know once my mum was at home all the time she did get very negative and followed a strict routine she said to keep going. I do sympathise its difficult to be got at all the time

Cannot help wondering if your mum has early onset dementia ? has she seen a doctor recently ?I only ask because my husband (aged 84) was always 'difficult' and controlling (or trying to be !) aggressive and with a temper ...but this all got much worse in the last couple of years and then he was diagnosed as having vascular dementia and Parkinson's disease ....sounds quite familiar ....if she will go try making her an appointment with the doctor ...good luck

I was in the same boat as you Ethel. Mum is now in a care home (90 & not very mobile, also losing her way a little). I hate going to visit as its a 2 hour drive to get there & arguments for the whole of the visit. My health has not been good for the past year so I'm afraid I don't go as often as I maybe should, but I know she's being cared for & I feel I need to put myself first at the moment. I don't know how I'll feel when she passes on. Very guilty probably!

etheltbags1
Looking back at how my mother treated me even to the last months of her life I can feel for you as your own mum should be the last to treat you like this So why does your mother treat you as she does.?
From your thread you say she has always been a bully
Was she too bullied ?made to feel worthless.?
For me I later realised was down to bonding
My paternal grandmother, who I had adored was the matriarch of the family and who had considered my mother incapable of rearing granny's pride and joy son's child. Until I was in my teens I always though of granny as my mum. Her only grandchild and I could do no wrong.
I have no ideas how you can deal with this as reasoning telling her how hurt you feel will be water off a ducks back. Other than help and advice from another relative its bite your tongue remember it is not your fault so fill your life with things you enjoy. Your mother will survive your cold shouldering .They always do.

You are describing the majority of mother-daughter relationships!
Quite honestly, my mother was always a bossy woman, but did it so charmingly that I was in my late twenties before I started to realise what she was actually doing, and took steps to prevent it.

In her old age, she turned into the woman ethelbags is describing, so I know precisely what it feels like. We put up with it as long as we could, until the day when my sister told her bluntly that if she wanted help, we were willing and trying to help, but her complaining all the time about the help she received did not make us feel like going on helping!

It took both my father and I over half an hour to console my sister afterwards and convince her that what she had said was nothing less than the truth and long overdue at that. My mother actually did try to be nicer to us afterwards.

So please, draw some lines as others have already suggested and don't feel guilty.

If your mother can afford to pay for more heat, then I suggest you turn it up, a little at a time. If she notices, tell her either that the weather is quite mild for the time of year, or tell her more honestly that you are worried she will quite literally catch her death of cold. Pneumonia is a real danger at her time of life.

If she is clinically depressed have a word with her GP. If she is just moody, try to ignore it, or tell her that she is making your life a misery as well as her own by her moodiness.

I know we were brought up to respect our elders, but respect does have to be earned, after all.

I do feel for you - my mother and I had a very difficult relationship. Nothing I did was ever good enough in her eyes. She was very controlling and I hate to say it but I was afraid of her until about 6 months before she died when her health started to deteriorate. She relied on me for everything so her attitude did change slightly. My biggest regret is that I didn’t question her regarding behaviour towards me and tell her when she upset me. I agree with Teetime’s comment about wasting my adult life trying to please her. I really resent how her attitude towards me has had such an effect on me.

Along time ago I stopped asking why is my mother treating me like this, I asked myself, why am I allowing her to. A couple of years ago after a final dreadful, hypocritical accusation, I told her that if she ever spoke to me like that again I would walk out of her life for good. My sister lives abroad and my poor brother is ill with cancer, so I have to do everything, but I will not be verbally abused ever again. She has altered her attitude toward me but we will never be close. You have to tell how you feel firmly and assertively, they do not respond to subtle. If she won’t listen, send her a letter, but do it for your own sanity and peace of mind. Good luck ?

My mum died at 73 and I sometimes wonder what she would have been like had she lived longer. And then I speculate what sort of old misery I might be in 10 years or more. Do we all become our mothers? So far, I've lived four years longer than mine did.

My sister has always been like that, just plain nasty and sarcastic. I think Radicalnan is right, stop putting yourself in the way of her behaviour.

You are putting yourself in the way of her behaviour, if she doesn't live with you just don't answer the phone or the door if she calls.

Don't take what she says to heart either, it is up to you how you take on board what she says.

Just fill your life up with other stuff and let emotional distance protect you from having your feelings hurt.

We all have to get old sometime and often get crabbit (new words from a friend describing her husband thus last week) it is hat it is old age can be very wearing.

Ethelbags, let the phone ring! You don’t have to answer it! It’s like she’s calling you to heel.

Can you gently and calmly take her to task next time she is rude to you? Don't generalise or say you always do this or that. Just point out that the comment she has just made is rude and hurtful and you are trying your best to help her. Then repeat this after 2-3 days when she is rude again. Hopefully she will reflect on her behaviour. Good luck