the big c

You could start by saying "I'm so sorry to hear about this, please tell me if there is anything practical that I can do"

Or invite them round to a meal, drop off a cake, just some little gesture that shows you are thinking of them.

That's tough Brendaj. There are support groups who deal with this and who also can advise on what to say and how to approach this dreadful illness. A lot depends on how your BIL himself is dealing with the prognosis.

You can say how sorry you are to hear of his illness and remind them that you are always there to help or support in any way.
But please can we stop talking of “ the big c” in hushed tones as if it is something we can only fear.
Many many people live with cancer, some die with but not of cancer , many people are cured of cancer, some are not In fact I believe heart disease is still a bigger “ killer”. There are other terminal diseases and other debilitating diseases which if not directly life threatening in the short term are life limiting in the longer term. There are illnesses like dementia which will not only affect the “patient” but the whole family.
So we need to face down our devils, name our fears and then learn to cope with the reality.
Forgive me if this is blunt, but also a 2 year prognosis has to be a vague approximation. Everybody is different, it may depend on his age, whether the diagnosis was early or late, his general health and the care and treatment he receives.
So don’t see this as a death sentence postponed for two years. There is no avoiding his illness, but there is still a lot of life to be lived.

Yes, as far as The Big C is concerned, life is unfair and more precious with every passing day.

Being in a similar situation to your brother-in-law, my partner has Cancer and has been told he may see in another three years. One of the most difficult aspects he found is that friends and family don't know how to react around him...what to say - to the point some have dropped away.

Carrying on life as before has become important, all the mundane everyday things - conversations about the weather/price of butter became important - the Big C can be the elephant in the room.

On a practical level for me I found the MacMillan Nurses site online amazingly supportive, there's a group for carers, family, friends of Cancer sufferers, where you can cry, rant, rave or simply ask others who are in the same boat for advice.

MawBroon may I say that I agree with your post whole-heartedly. Seeing it as the heading for a thread (more than one thread in fact), made my heart sink.
We do not talk about 'The big D' or 'the big H D'.
There have been so many advances in the treatment of cancer over the last few years.
I am not saying that a diagnosis of cancer is not upsetting or even devastating, but so are other diagnoses and for some, treatments have not yet been found although we hope that they will.

I am sorry to hear about your BIL, Brenda, and hope you can be of support to them both. Fifty years together is a great achievement and I hope they can make some more happy memories together.

The heading reminded me of my mother when she spoke about cancer. It was a bit Les Dawson's character, Ada.
Does anyone still use 'the big c'?

Good post maw and I agree with everything jalima said.

Ada sprung into my mind too petra - and reminded me of people whispering about it in the 1950s and 60s.

I agree whole heartedly Maw! Both my parents died, in their 60s, of heart disease and spent time unwell before their deaths. A good friend died, within a short time of diagnosis,of MND and other family/friends are living with or have died with dementia (one diagnosed in her 50s) and PD. I have friends and acquaintances who have had cancer and are well now, some who are in remission some who died & somewho are currently living with cancer.
It is not a competition to see who is more ill or has a worse illness than anyone else. All life limiting diagnoses are upsetting and worrying but we all have to die of something. The trick is to try to live with the diagnosis not to just die of it!

brendaj I think that it is a shock when you hear about someone you know and care about being quite ill with a life limiting disease. But there are positive things you can do now to help your sister... practical as well as emotional support.
If you do not currently have regular get togethers now might be the time to start..it will be a welcome distraction for her and also, when your BiL does eventually succumb to his illness you will have a pattern of seeing your sister established.. which she may very much welcome and need.

So sorry about your BiL’s diagnosis Brenda. (Am I alone in thinking Brenda’s post is about the prognosis rather than the disease?). What ever disease is incurable, the knowledge that nothing can be done is devastating. My DH was given a prognosis of “a few months to two years” 30 months ago. The knowledge has to have a chance to settle in. In his case the estimate was wrong. We live each day knowing he is doing ok. You know what, I seriously wish the doctors could keep their opinions to themselves, it is as though they pluck a number our of midair. Such a damn shame a limit is put on a person’s life. Every good wish to your BiL. Don’t write him off yet.

A lot of us are living with this hanging over our heads, we just get on with life and one family member refuses to talk about their condition or prognosis.

Saw your other thread Brenda and linking the two this gives you a reason to step out and step up to being a real help to them which will also help you to feel better about yourself, family and everything else.

If you live close to your sister, you could offer to cook dinner on the days when your brother in law has hospital appointments.
I know how much that would have meant if anyone had offered to do that for us. (Nobody did)
Hope its practical that they may just be able to come and have hot meal.

Poor Brenda comes on here looking for support and gets ticked off over her choice of thread title.

I hope your brother makes good progress with whatever treatment he is receiving. I'm sure they know you are thinking of them and will be there for them when they need you.

Agree with you merlotgran. I'm appalled at some of the responses on this thread.

My sister is dying due to cancer in many places and what we do is be normal around her. It's difficult at times when we see her getting frailer and weaker each time we see her but it's the best way to be. She really would not want us crying around her but we do talk about her treatment or about her hospital visits etc but more often than not it's the normal every day things we talk about .. Tv. The kids. Holidays. Weather. Clothes , family events.

Yes, I thought that too, merlotgran.

Sorry to read about your sister Nanabilly but it does sound as though you are making things as normal as possible for her.

11 years ago my father in law was given a similar prognosis - he’s now in his nineties.

Well said merlotgran

Have lived through this with late DH, and it is not pleasant, to say the least. It is the diagnosis most people fear and I am not surprised that Brenda is in shock and fearful. So was I, even though they said that DH's was curable. It is very scary. However DH's returned twice and it got him in the end, but we had nearly 14 more years of a happy and contented life.

I really think people were not being unkind to Brenda. I certainly did not mean to be unkind. Just, because of the thread title used the phrase which is a bit out of date, pointing out that actually cancer is much more manageable now and no more scary than other illnesses. Although it to get a shocking diagnosis is terribly upsetting, as many of us know.

Poor Brenda indeed Merlotgran. There was no need to reply to her post in the manner which some posters did. Hope you can find a way to help them a little Brenda.