the big c

No, not poor Brenda indeed

Poor Gransnetters who have or are living with close family members to look on the Active page and see not one but three threads with that nasty, old-fashioned, doom-laden title.

There was no need to reply to her post in the manner which some posters did

And there was no need for anyone who objected to the thread title but were also trying to be supportive to Brenda to be castigated by so many pitching in.

As I said in my earlier post:
I am sorry to hear about your BIL, Brenda, and hope you can be of support to them both. Fifty years together is a great achievement and I hope they can make some more happy memories together.

Please, Brenda, whatever you do, try not to be one of those ultra-sympathetic people who put their head on one side with a little smile on their face saying "And how are you today?". Just treat your dear BIL as you would normally and help in as many practical ways as possible.

Poor Brenda comes on here looking for support and gets ticked off over her choice of thread title

I hope I was not the person “telling Brenda off” but it was a very genuine plea for us all to face down cancer, to not be afraid to say the word, to be positive and supportive to those diagnosed or their families, but most of all to be honest. Why can’t we say the word Cancer?
As for a “2 year prognosis” it is a medical fact that no one can give more than a general idea of survival rates and times. We can all quote anecdotal examples of people who have enjoyed a longer period of quality time than the medics may have feared.and sadly some who have not.
To have 50 happy years of marriage to be grateful for is something denied to many of us.
“Poor Brenda,” yes, but also poor Bluesapphire, tanith, alygran, Aggie, cathy04 and any others I have not mentioned (dare I add and me ) all of whom have lost DHs in the last year. This time last year. a 2 year prognosis would have been cause for relief in this household.
So hello sunshine and merlotgran and boheminan I shall join the ranks of the “shocked” but it is your responses to a sympathetic and genuine response which have shocked me.

Brendaj Your right life is so unfair. Hearing the news of a terminal illness is bound to be devastating. Your right to be shocked and completely distraught. My own family are on the same path. I’m sure I’ve said told this to gransnet before but not long after getting the same news as you I was sitting in the car after visiting my DiL crying. My husband said to me “I know it’s tragic, I know she’s going to die, but before she dies she has to live and so do we” I can’t tell you how much that one sentence has helped me over the last few harrowing years. I hope repeating it may help you and your family later on as the shock of the news sinks in. I’m sure (no I’m certain) none of the posters on this thread meant any unkindness because I’ve had nothing but support and kindness here, as will you Brendaj please take care of yourself,, and keep posting it really helps.

I made one brief comment and others agreed with me. There was no need for the sky to fall in!

I had no idea there was more than one thread running with the same title. I'd been out all day so why should I?

I still think references to Les Dawson's comedy routine was inappropriate.

Over and out!

I very much doubt that " references " which were posted were done so in the context that has been taken. If anything it's those who've taken it as being " inappropriate " are the ones whose minds need adjusting.
Personally, I looked at it in the way that this is how illnesses were spoken of years ago---whispered,behind a hand,etc. Whereas now with everything in the open there's no need to whisper any more.

A horrible disease, and insidious, and I don't blame the OP at all for being concerned for her brother-in-law. I lost my husband to cancer. My father had died of it too, so I should have noticed that he was getting thinner and had more indigestion than previously, but he didn't complain, or tell me of the tarry stools and the twinges in his colon. He was doing that man thing, suffering in silence and hoping it would go away. It took a poo-stick test to start the diagnosis, and by then it was in his liver and his lungs, and the two-and-a- half year prognosis turned out to be pretty accurate. For two and a quarter years of that our life was much as before, just the last bit was unpleasant, but we didn't see our golden wedding together, so the OP's sister and brother-in-law were luckier than us.

The thing is, every time it is referred to as the "big C" it reinforces the idea that cancer is unique, lethal and unmentionable, so it is not openly discussed, and that means that numberless people don't know accurately what the symptoms are and never see a GP until it has metastased and spread.

As an ordinary but potentially fatal illness like others (strokes, heart disease, MS, dementia, broken limbs, Parkinsons, tuberculosis - you can add dozens, and don't forget mental illnesses like depression too) no-one would be coy and whisper about it and diagnoses would be earlier and more effective.

The more open we are about it, the better, and perhaps we can catch and cure more cases. As it is, the 10 year survival rates for the most common cancers are 50%, and survival rates have doubled in the last 40 years. Those rates are listed at
www.cancerresearchuk.org/health-professional/cancer-statistics/survival

I am sorry my thread title has upset people.this was not intentional.I just wanted some advice from other people going through the same thing. thank you for, everybody, who has replied to me.

My husband has IPF, a progressive lung disease. As his carer and wife of 50 years I am always so glad of any support that is offered, even just checking we are coping at the moment. Just someone taking time to talk is so comforting.

When I heard my dad had MND, my first reaction was about the unfairness of it - he had only recently retired and now he had to deal with an illness instead of enjoying himself. And that did seem very unfair.

There are lots of practical things to help with during cancer treatment, like lifts to hospital and things that help people undergoing treatment, I'm sure there will be plenty of opportunities to be supportive, and this will probably feel better than just knowing about it but not knowing how to help.

As I said above, my DH has cancer and I'm sure he couldn't give a monkeys who refers to it as what - he still has it.

Whilst naturally I reach out with heartfelt feelings Brenda regarding your Bil`s diagnoses, may I also urge you to learn to live these 2 years......and possibly more.....to the full.
Now is the time to proffer the ever willing helping hand and help ensure the family can live their lives to the full.
This is not to be classed as a time of mourning.
You have been given an opportunity to make this person`s life special,think of the so many whom have died suddenly,tragically,without any preparations to say a great goodbye.
You have this opportunity, and although tinged with sadness obviously, please use it to the max.
No one says it will be easy but this is the best way of actually helping in a good way.
I wish your BiL,and family all the very best.

As a long tine survivor of several life threatening cancers dating back to the mid 1980`s, perhaps the approach I and a few of my fellow survivors took, was to take this diagnoses by the horns and learn to live with it as overflowingly filled............ as each was able to.

I have always stated dementia to be a far greater disease, as it robs both the person of their personality,dignity and just about strips them bare, therefore the families suffer tremendously during the period of this disease.

In our own Cancer Centre, which hard work and big hearts ......all cancer survivors..........brought together, there were no bitter tears shed daily or great hand wringing of utter despair.
Yet believe me, some of those arriving within had such horrendously harrowing stories to reveal.

The message was always the same,it was never referred to as "the big C"........that was the first point dismissed as we strove to make lives filled with fresh joys wherever and whenever possible.

My own foster Mum was given a 6 week terminal cancer diagnoses,whilst over 80 and crippled.
However she lived quite a full and changed happy 7 months,learning to walk a few steps and enjoying reading yet again.

Instead of feeling sorry and down beaten(which you do behind closed doors if you must) set to with much gusto , make those troubled lives full again,even if though it maybe curtailed,and yes always take this diagnoses with a pinch of salt!.Let them have some happiness in the way that fills their remaining years.
Each will be different, but only you as members of the family will know what best suits that one person.

This approach is NOT aimed at Cancer patients alone, but all dear ones suffering with life threatening or life limiting illnesses for let us face it.............each can be just as unpleasant as the other as many of us here know full well.

Panache I am a cancer survivor myself and just wanted to say "Great post" !!!

Agree with MawBroon here. My husband was diagnosed with heart failure and given 18 months to live, no treatment just medication . He lived for a further 12 years. No-one know how long we may live with an illness. We would need a crystal ball for that . Take heart.

Sorry to hear about your b.i.l. However cancer shouldn't be a dreaded work. I know many, many people who have beaten the disease.
All good wishes for your b.i.l. and your family

Brendaj yes it’s bad news but can’t help thinking about why you say life is unfair. It’s unfair if that’s how you want look at it for anyone. At least he’s had 50 yrs of married life , so clearly he’s a decent age. My neice died 6 weeks after giving birth to her first child. He has a lot to be grateful for. Not least because he has 2 yrs to say goodbye etc .

Unfortunately as people are living longer we see more and more people developing cancer and due to medical developments more are living for longer periods with a terminal diagnosis.
As someone who was diagnosed at age 36, (and a month after my sons 7th birthday), with bowel cancer and a genetic condition which means I will have multiple primary cancers, I can only say that you should look to the positives - your BIL has had a long and hopefully happy marriage and seen any children grow up.
Make him and his family aware that you are there to offer any help and support they need, but as others have said don't patronise or treat him differently - some kind of normality will be very important to him in a world where he will be swept up in hospital appointments etc.

Just be there to support them through. Towards the end your BiL may be really unwell and your sister will be worried and distressed. If you live close by pop around and offer to stay with your BiL so your sister can get out of the house.

Hi Brenda....of course you feel devastated, it's big news and will take time to process. It will sink in...and you will find ways of coping, as will your sister and BIL. Right now, just be kind to yourself and as others have said, doctors aren't always right about what will happen. As to life being unfair....perhaps....All we can do is be as loving as we can..(I don't happen to think its the absolute end, and of course that helps.) As for what to say, its more about being willing to be good listener for when your sister and BIL want to talk about this. Really listening isn't easy but really, its the best thing, so they don't feel isolated with this. And you will just be yourself. Even saying to them that you don't know what to say is great. Hugs are great. And lots of other good suggestions on the thread! There is more I could say but you already have lots to read and absorb in the thread and also you need time to get over the initial shock. I hope something we've said helps..wishing you all the best, Brenda.

Agree with every post on here. So many children die of terrible illnesses every day.that's just heartbreakingly unfair.

I’m going through this, in fact we were told two years eight years ago. I can’t pretend it’s been easy for my husband or me. Our lives have utterly changed due to cancer but we have seen our girls married and a grandchild born, things we did not expect. No one really knows how long they have, thankfully we have always tried to be cheerful but realistic and it’s worked for us. I must admit I felt awful for the OP when I read some of the first posts, whilst they definitely have a point this was neither the time nor the place for it. I felt her pain too.

I watched Stand Up To Cancer last week. It was utterly heartbreaking. One family lost a little boy to cancer and now his mum, a young woman, is terminal. My own nephew died at 16 from cancer

Perhaps Brenda is of an age where cancer was referred to as the big C. I know my mother called it by that name. She also talked about a hysterectomy in hushed tones as "having it all taken away". It's more important that Brenda is given some support here, rather than being told off for her title.

With friends I've been reading books about death and dying - it is not something we easily talk about, but we are all going to die. Our small group have all found it very helpful to read, think about and prepare our minds for death - which may, for us , be many years ahead, or may be tomorrow. Some psychological approaches and many spiritual traditions tell us that remembering death is an important way to help us value what matters in life - love, peace, living in the present, and compassion - for ourselves and others. It is always sad when someone is told their life is coming to an end, but it can often be a time when they are able to drop the concerns about the things which do not really matter, and focus on what does matter. Also they can focus on unfinished business in their lives - many people at this stage want to say "Please forgive me. I forgive you." And some focus on a 'legacy project' - not just making sure their will is up to date, and that they have told family what they want for their funeral, but also, for instance, some people decide they can still be helpful to family by showing how they can approach death with truth and acceptance. The person who has been told their likely life expectancy, may want to talk about death - someone close to me was very grateful when I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, and then felt able to talk about it to others, and it helped her come to a place of acceptance.

Where there's life, there's hope. Doctors often get things wrong, and it would be a shame to blight the next two years by waiting for the bombshell to drop. My friend, who had been in remission for years, was told that her cancer had come back, at the age of 84. She was too old for an operation, and chemotherapy would, apparently, have made her really ill with little chance of a cure. Her third option was to get on with her life, which they forecast would be, at the most, three years more. She opted for the third choice, and got on with her life, enjoying every moment.

She celebrated her 90th birthday last August. She is finally slipping away, in some discomfort, but serenely and calmly. She has no regrets, and is facing her imminent death as if she is going on an interesting journey. A wonderful woman, and a very good friend. I will mourn her, when the time comes, and hope that I will face my end as bravely as she has.

I had been married for 50 years when my husband was told he had five years to live (he actually managed four). I just followed his lead...........if he wanted to talk about it - we did. If he wanted to ignore the future and live in the moment - we did. He was in control, not of the situation, but of how we handled it. It worked for us.