the big c

maybe a card about a special friend .give him hope and knowledge that you are there for him if he needs to talk to someone....just be as you are ,. yes life is unfair my d lost her husband last year to heart problems only 37 we miss him dearly.....and so does his wife and children....we have our faith which has helped tremendously.....send a card ...

My Dad died of bowel cancer just over a year ago. He got given between 4 and 8 months to live, so didn't have long. Make the most of this time, make sure the house and their affairs are sorted for your sister after he goes. There will be lots of ups and downs. There is no such thing as the right thing to say.

Lillipond - how do you bear such a loss?
for you and all those going devastating health challenges and bereavement xx

It has to be the children who are suffering where my greatest sympathy goes. They haven't even begun to live their lives. Though sad as it is when our older husband's/relatives pass away with this noxious illness it's the children,some of them who don't know what's happening to them which is a scary thing when faced with their treatment.
Having worked in a hospital I've seen all this, and yes,some children appear resilient trotting around wheeling their " drips " along, but it's the babies who are " hooked-up " to various forms of equipment that breaks your heart.
The staff on these wards are absolute angels and it grieves me when I read of cuts in the NHS and also the unavailability of certain life-saving drugs because " they're too expensive ".
I would be devastated beyond imagination if any of my GGC succumbed to this horrendous disease.

I don't think those who related their own and their fsamily's experiences with cancer are competing. I certainly wasn't, it isn't a race!

My own view is that however awful and unfair it seems at the time, it is, in fact, so universal (if half of us will get cancer, the other half will have someone very close to them with it) and so random in who and when and how it strikes that it is really no more "unfair" than getting drenched in a sudden rainstorm. It hasn't speciallly selected you or someone you love to pick on, it is an equal opportunities storm which falls on anyone. Recognising that when it is happening close to home is not easy.

Brenda. I guess life is for living and any one if us could go at any time. You have asked about what to say and i suppose this all depends on how close you are. Can you ask your sister (?). Bil s wife for guidance? They say actions speak louder than words. Just a hug may say it all.

My first husband passed away because of cancer. We had been married 3 months short of our silver wedding.my now husband has cancer.they told him he had at the most 3 years. That was five years ago.his arthritis is causing the most trouble.don't write him off.we say every day is a bonus and his positive attitude to not let the bugger get him.we have just celebrated 20 years married and he is so positive.please use all services available. Our local cancer support groups even offer for your bil free massages contact local council and they will help with contact telephone numbers. Best wishes and donot forget we are all ways here.

So sorry to hear of your brother in law's prognosis Brenda. With some life limiting illnesses the patient isn't given a time scale for end of life which I think help keeps hope alive although of course this isn't always the case. Once Cancer is terminal however doctor's are basically saying there is no more that can be done, that the cancer will advance and any treatment is palliative. This is very frightening because suddenly a timescale has been put on the life time of a loved one. As some one up thread has said ... no need for a competition regarding relative suffering. You are in shock at this prognosis as anyone would be... two years can be for the most part a very positive time depending on how ill your brother in law is. Help him and your sister make the most of the times he's well...give as much support as you can and come on here for help and support yourself...we are here for you.

Brenda
Hi
I'm sure that hearing other people's stories about their or their relatives 'battles' with cancer aren't doing a lot for for your mood right now.
I suggest that the doctors have simply given you a ball-park figure, a possible scenario, not a fact.
There are many people who outlive their prognosis and continue to confound their doctors.
Do your best to forget any 2 year time frame and make the most of every day, as we should do, after all, we never know when our time is up.
I'm perfectly sure that no-one is crossing the days off on a calendar and nor should you. Live as you normally would, no fuss, just concern and a helping hand offered when needed or asked for.
Lots of good wishes to the family.

My DH has been living with cancer since 1997, first being then and then another in 2006. Both had surgery to remove tumours. The latter also required radiotherapy. Now the second has returned and is being monitored for basically what will be very hit or miss treatment. What can anyone say to make us feel better? Nothing really other than perhaps if there are days when either of us feeling down maybe okay to pop in to you for a coffee. That means getting out of the house and if needed able to talk to someone or not if that is the case. Expressing that if you are willing to be called upon to do even cutting the lawn, help with tidying up as well as what folk would consider "the usual" if the well partner is busy with care duties would be appreciated. We have been married nearly 52 years.

Hi Brenda, My Daughter aged 42 died of Cancer 6 years ago just 6 days before Christmas leaving a disabled Son aged 11 and a Daughter of 17 they had already lost their Father when my Grandson was just 4 years old. Yes life is very unfair. I just wish the children had had more time with their Mum and Dad .I know how you feel I would of changed places with my Daughter in a Heartbeat. Never in my life did I expect this to happen its heart breaking. I wish your Family well Brenda my thoughts are with you.

Dear Brenda, so sorry to hear your sad news, quite shocking for you and your family. You have had some very helpful advice here and I hope it has helped.

A very good friend was diagnosed with cancer several years ago and she died far too soon. I did what I could, but I do know that I was ‘stilted’ around her at times, and I very much wish I could have been less worried and just been there for her more than I felt I actually was.

You all sound very supportive of him, I do hope all goes as well as it possibly can. ?

Terrible news for you all ...but he is lucky to have such a supportive family around him ! having said that don't give up !!! as he is aware of his diagnosis, maybe your sister has some things they have always wanted to do now is the time ! BUT I was told TEN YEARS ago my colon cancer was terminal ...then offered a treatment not often used and I am surprised to still be here ! so there may be something that comes up ...look into medical research volunteers ....talk to Cancer UK or MacMillan who can help with practical things and hospice support. I WISH I had such support as you are showing him ! My husband told me to stop making things up and that there was nothing wrong with me (despite two lots of secondaries, and each op costing the French health service 13,000 Euros and 700 each session of chemo over three years !!!) NOW he , is now 85 and has been diagnosed with cancer of th eoesophogus .......I am in two mind whether to sympathist, empathise, or tell him to stop making it up .......his daughter say s she cannot come to see him (she does not work and lives on her own ! ).......oh well, what goes around .........

However, try to stay as normal as possible, and don't have whispered conversations to family and friends ......I myself preferred to be up front about it .....but did make a [pre paid funeral plan) and write all the letters that would need to be written...put them in a folder, asking my husband to add a copy of the death certificate and a stamp and post them ...but that is ME and I know everyone is different

Bon chance

I was so sorry to read your post. My mother had terminal cancer, and died a year after diagnosis. She was 89. I spent a lot of time with her, and so did the family when she was well enough to have visitors. We never talked about the cancer, it was always "the elephant in the room", I never knew what to say, so sat and held her hand and gave her lots of hugs. Looking back, I wish I had asked the hospice at home nurses for advice on how to talk about it.

I think this is a great opportunity to get stuck in and do what you can Brenda. You posted recently that you are lonely and unwell and I’m sure your sister would appreciate your help so much and you would have some purpose in life again, as I know you were recently widowed. Please don’t take “negative” posts to heart, they weren’t meant in that way. Listen to Morethan” and help your sister and BiL to *live whatever time is left rather than waiting for him to die.

I can totally empathise with you. My brother-in-law has been diagnosed this week and has only months to live. My sister is devastated. They both were married late and have not been married long. We thought that at at last. she had found happiness so this has hit her so hard. I don't know what to say either, except to tell her that I'm there for her when she needs me..

Just please...say something caring. Even just that you have no words, but if they need anything or just to chat or even a break, that you will be there for them . Your time is a gift.
My sister died at 35 with Leukaemia. Some avoided me altogether. A memorable one was " which one of you was it that died then" when they saw me in the street ( there were 3 of us). People feel awkward around illness - but not as awkward as the one with the diagnosis....a meal , a short visit ( in case they tire) an offer to clean. Let your sister rant.. but most of all say all that needs to be said now, before its too late and support your BIL

Chin up Brenda, give them all of the support you can, you will be fine once you are over the shock and must soldier on and do everything you can to keep up normality, talk about - not in hushed tones- as in the advert ,your brother is still himself ,youare still yourself and although 2 years sounds like a short time, new drugs and treatments are coming along all the time so be hopeful for the future and just love him and support the family as best you can . Again chin up !

Fennel, cells replicate faster in the younger person so their cancer cells are likely to do the same. Very often, that will mean that the cells have spread faster by the time they are identified which means that it is harder to get under control.
Fifty percent of us are likely to suffer with cancer at some point in our lives. That is just a staggering figure but is probably exacerbated by the fact we live longer and you are statistically more likely to have cancer the older you get.
I think most people associate cancer with great pain, absolutely crippling treatment and loss of hair. This isn't always the case. Both my Aunt and MIL had breast cancer, both had mastectomies and both survived for many years afterwards. They didn't have terrible pain or therapies so they were very lucky.
From anecdotal evidence, it seems the more positive you are, the longer you will survive. However, from my experience the most positive person died and the most negative person survived so, who knows.

Brendaj,

So sorry about your brother in law. We just had a similar experience with my cousin's DH. Cousin and I grew up together so she's like the sister I never had. By the time her (otherwise active, healthy) DH was diagnosed with bladder cancer (beginning of August), it had spread throughout. He died three weeks ago at age 71. We went to say our last good bye and it was a very hard thing to do. We are still in shock and disbelief.

Whenever a peer dies of our own age, the reality of our own mortality gets too close. I think that's why some of us feel so uncomfortable, perhaps even awkward.
Let your sister (and BIL) know you understand this is a difficult time and that you're there for both of them. Perhaps an occasional note with words of encouragement, a phone call..... If you live close by, offer to go to the store for her or pick up a remedy. Spend time with them. A warm hug is sometimes all that's needed. No need to say a lot. Your actions will speak louder than words.

You are just in shock yourself and and trying to come to terms with the news. You will be grieving, too! There is nothing you can say that can make things better for them, but just having your love and support can help. Some people find it too hard to be around people going through a crisis because they don't know what to say. But you don't have to say anything. Just be there for them and show them you love and care about them. I'm so sorry for you, too. Please don't give up hope, either. I've known people with a very frightening diagnosis and they are given many more years than first expected.

Speaking as a survivor of cancer, all I wanted was to feel loved, be normal and have my friends and family round me. Cancer is something that really shakes everyone up, it's such a dreadful shock, and I just wanted to make the most of everything and everyone I held dear. The worst thing is for it to be whispered about, kept hidden and secret. Just treat him like normal, but with more offers of help without taking his independence away. He doesn't need to be the one comforting other people when they don't know what to do.

It 's always difficult to know what to say in these situations. I suggest that you offer your sympathy and practical help with hospital visits, etc.
It's probable that BIL doesn't want everyone treading on egg shells just because he's ill. He may want life to go on as normally as possible for as long as you all can. My sympathies.

" Bijou Mon 29-Oct-18 11:57:35

Seems that every other person has cancer nowadays. "
I read once that as a person gets into old age, most have some kind of cancer. The disease progresses slowly the older you are. Cancer in a young person is much more likely to be fatal.
Not sure if this is true?
Brenda - as others have said, just try to be kind friend to your BiL and his family. By helping others you help yourself.

Practically anything you say is better than saying nothing, Brenda. In your place I would say much what you wrote in your original post either to your BIL or perhaps even better to your DS.

The very worst thing we can do in the face of serious illness or death is to say nothing.

Saying you are shocked by this news, and that you don't know what to do or say to help, but that will they please ask for any help they need shows that you are thinking of them, and want to do something to help.