Looking after Mum

I understand where you're coming from. I always wanted the type of relationship that other people seem to have with their mams but was never to be. We're just too different.

I also lived in the Middle East for a few years. When I came home to visit my Mother would accuse me of deserting her. Years earlier when the children were small we would drive from the north of Scotland for 13 hours to find she had no food in the house to feed them. This sort of thing went on for many years until she died. If she came to our house to stay she would look for things to complain about. I think she hated me. You are not alone, we had a thread about mother/daughter relationships a while ago. I hope I never become the same.

Look at it more as helping your sister and that will get you through. Your Mum is ill now and needs care, you would not be comfortable letting others do it.
Hope it all goes as well as it can.

olene I found it very hard when my mother had dementia. The worst part was that she had insight into her condition and was very distressed by it. But after she died I was glad that I had been able help her. I hope your mother is glad to see you and enjoys having you there.
As far as dealing with the dementia is concerned, it's better to go along with what they say even if it's nonsense.
Good luck

I'm sure your sister will really appreciate your help so she can go off on a holiday without worrying about your mum. You might find it goes better than you think. Try not to take things to heart or brood over past hurts. Good luck!

I am also sure you sister will appreciate the break. I do hope it goes well - if you can't bring yourself to agree the words 'oh, right' work quite well Things said in a positive tone seem to encourage a positive response - hard work but worth it for the time you are there.

Dreading seems perfectly reasonable to me. All carers can feel like that at times and remember to come on here and vent if you need to.

I found with people with dementia respond much better when you just agree with most of what they say, responding negatively seems to exacerbate their behaviour. I'm sure you probably know that anyway, I'm sure your sister will be so grateful and knowing that will get you through..

This isn't 'people with dementia' tanith, it's Olene's mum and, although we all know we should agree the extra dimension to the relationship can make it difficult at times which is why I offered a tried and tested solution which has worked for me. Those of us looking after relatives are not trained carers nor are we as detached as we might be with a non-relative so these little ruses, which in my case is said very positively but knowing I am not lying to my mother, work.

That's a bit harsh, Gracesgran. Olene asked how others coped, Tanith responded from her own experience.....what's the problem?

It wasn't said harshly janeainsworth - I am sorry you read it that way.

Gracesgran I was not suggesting lying to Olene Mum but to merely go along with whatever she had said and not to try and argue/correct something said that was obviously wrong. Not really any different to you saying "oh right" even if it actually isn't 'right'.

I didn't think you were tanith. Olene had said she had a difficult relationship with her mother in the past and I was just offering another idea. I know I would find it difficult to hear the 'advice' that I "try not to argue/correct" - I know that is the best thing to do and I imagine others who are acting as main support to a relative do too. I was just acknowledging that it can be more difficult with a relative and that others in the same position understand and sympathise. It isn't about you or me it's about Olene. This is a big undertaking for her so surely we just need to be supportive - in whichever way we can.

My friend's DM was not very kind to my friend who looked after her every day, and when the other sister came over to look after her to give her sister a break she did nothing but grumble about my friend who was there for her all the time.
Don't fall into the trap of listening and agreeing if she says anything about your sister.
Otherwise, just keep smiling and think of the break that your DS must need so much.

Yes, come back on here and have a moan - it may help!

Thank you everyone. Waiting to board my flight now.
My stomach is in knots.
I will keep you updated and use this thread for support, and possibly a moan or two. That'd be a great help. Secret/private sounding board!

I looked after my Mama for the last five years of her life, during which time her physical and mental health deteriorated. Dementia crept in and I did as advised here, so when she thought I was her younger sister, I played along quite happily. However, what I would say Olene is that you probably do not fully realise how relieved and, probably, grateful your sister must feel about getting a break. However much you love them, caring for an elderly parent is exhausting and emotionally draining as, unlike when caring for children, you know that your loved one is only going to get worse and, eventually, die. Think of this as an act of sisterly love and kindness. I wish that my sister had been loving enough to help me and our mother. I hope all goes well and the experience is not too trying.

Good post, absent and I'm sorry you didn't have your sister's support.

The main thing to remember is not to confront and go with the flow. People living with dementia have their own truth and, in reality, most things aren't important enough to stress over.

I was never my mum's favourite but, having accepted that, I can agree with most of what mum says about my much better brothers.

I wouldn't agree that you shouldn't listen to anything your mum says about your sister - just don't believe it or pass it on - unless you have the kind of relationship with your sister where you can laugh together about it. Laughter has brought my brothers and I much closer during this time with mum.

Why is your mum undiagnosed? There is loads of help available people who have a formal diagnosis.

And, remember you are only human!

vampire, me too! I think I've achieved it with my girls but I'm still surprised that they like me enough.

To all the saints on here who never get the words wrong or miss-time the stage a parent is at this week - well done. Most of us do the best we can - not coming out with the right diversion on all occasions and sometimes just feel hurt by what is said to them. Of course the care of the parent is always uppermost but I hope Olene that you understand that we are all human too - and that's OK.

I think I said that - just up there ^^!

And, no-one said they got it right all the time but were offering their advice which was what was asked for!

Now, I'm off to see my mum!!

To be honest I think you are all saints. My DM died when I was in my thirties so I never had this to deal with and I admire all those carers paid or unpaid. I know I would be rubbish.

No you wouldn't, Stansgran, you'd do your best just like everyone else.

I worked as a carer for years, and gave up to look after my own mum
Its a difficult, thankless and emotionally hard job; harder than I had imagined, for both myself and my mum.
Having support is essential, I think. Somewhere to have a moan..

It's hard to believe now, but up to about ?100 years ago most elderly people were cared for within their own families.
It was usually an extended family though, so several people shared the care.

ps I forgot to add, Bon Courage Olene! It will be hard but you'll be so glad you did it afterwards.
T.