Looking after Mum

Kitty, my mother sometimes used to think I was her sister - the one she never got on with!
But most of the time, once she no,longer knew me, I was just a 'nice lady' who made her cups of tea and brought her chocolate.
That is, until she stopped being able to make any conversation at all...

Oh Witzend ...

There are upsides to all this. You certainly learn who your friends are - including your virtual ones!

Dementia is sad in whatever form. My Mum is in a home now for two years - after the doctor in hospital said she Needed 24 hour care now, which neither me nor my sister could provide. She has had vascular dementia for approx 12 years but is still able to know us all. She can't remember names of or recall other relatives and repeats things over and over but we just listen and agree if necessary ( never argue a point) and change the subject. The home is very comfortable and caring and she is well looked after - there is plenty of company and things going on and she is very happy there. we visit and take her out as often as we can but we still feel guilty about her being there. Old people are living much longer - my mother didn't have parents still living in their eighties and nineties.

kitty not only did she not know me, she was convinced I was her mum. This happens more often than you might realise. Think back to when we were children - mum's were the ones who looked after us, cared, fed and dressed us. That's what you're doing for her now, with the help of the nursing home staff, so try not to let it upset you. Be happy that she is recognising she is being looked after ((hugs))

Well, there is the (very) occasional funny side, even if it's of the black humour variety.

My dh would sometimes come with me to visit. He had always been a 'golden boy' to my mother, so she had usually been very pleased to see him.

By this occasion she was past making any sort of meaningful conversation, said very little, and even when she did, it was usually very hard to make out what she meant.

As usual, I had taken chocolate - a bar of Aero, reasonably soft to eat. I gave her a piece, then gave a piece to Dh.

My mother turned to me and said very crossly, clear as a bell, 'i could have had that!'

She then turned to Dh and said even more crossly, and again, loud and clear as a bell, 'YOU'RE A VERY - NASTY - MAN!'

I swear, one of the carers who was busy nearby, nearly wet herself laughing.
And we were in fits later. Chocolate was evidently a Very Serious Matter!

Poor old thing, though - her former self would have been so mortified to see what she'd become.
By then, though, she'd had dementia for so,long that sadly had become 'normal'.

My mum is 94 and probably has the beginnings of dementia- her memory is steadily getting worse. She is mostly OK but can express sudden dislikes to something or someone, we find it best to just listen and nod as later she might change her views. There is some evidence that music helps with the condition so perhaps you could get your mum some CDs of old songs and listen to them together. My mum has also just got out all the old photo albums and is enjoying going through them. I hope you and your sister have a good relationship I think having someone who will listen and laugh with you at some of the things that happen helps.
Good luck.

Whoops! Glad this isn't the pedants thread! Of course I meant 'mums' rather than 'mum's' in Think back to when we were children - mum's were the ones ...

I had a very difficult job when suggesting to ex-DH and his sister that their mother was showing classic signs of vascular dementia. Thankfully they went together to her doctor, where it was confirmed. Unfortunately they initially disagreed on her care which caused a rift between them but that was settled amicably before her death.

I think what I'm trying to say is dementia in a parent is difficult to cope with but siblings may need to help each other more than at any other time in their lives. For the benefit of all involved it is necessary to work together to support the parent AND each other through this awful illness,

It was me that started this original thread a few months ago and up till now I've not had the time or energy to update or to thank you all properly. So THANK YOU.
Mum became very ill and ended up in hospital then an evaluation care home.....which was the worst thing for her personally but did get social services etc involved which then gave her support.
It's been a battle to say the least.
Mum has been very nice to me, even loving at times and I'm so pleased that is the case in these latter years. If I'm honest I just wanted her to die so I didn't have to endure any more cruel and callous treatment from her. But the new her is a massive improvement.
My heart is at peace.
Mum is at home, her dementia has improved massively due, we think, to much support from my sister and me and us taking away much of her independence.....driving, banking, shopping.....in the guise of we will help you (which we do) instead of her feeling that the rug has been pulled from under her. She still has her moments though!
I've discovered so much about dementia and how to manage it. Every dementia patient is totally different, I just can't stress that enough. Handling it with tolerance and lots of tricks up your sleeve certainly makes a difference.
Thank you again ladies.