Tell me what to do

What a tough time for everyone. While so much is whirling round in your head, perhaps now is not the time to make big decisions. Also, when things were really difficult for me, I found going to work an escape. On the financial side there is another active thread which has a lot of helpful info on how small an income people are living on. Good luck.

Hi more, I can't add anything to pat's and don't feel in a position to advise a way forward - I'm sure someone better qualified will be along soon.

I'd just like to send you (((hugs))) and remind you that you have lots of support here when you need it!

morethan poor you what a dreadful position to be in and as pensionpat says making decisions at this time is fraught with hazard. I used to find that my head cleared when I went for a long walk (or in my case a round of golf)- do you have some activity you could do - can you get away for a few hours just to create that space in your head. The other thing is the old trick of writing everything down in two columns - the fors and againsts of retiring. Lastly if you can do a spreadsheet of your monies for the coming year on what your retirement income would be and some estimates of the work that needs doing to your house and replacements costs for your white goods. At the moment it sounds to me as though you have a lot of unknowns and getting some facts on paper might help the decision making process.

My very good wishes to your daughter and I hope she is feeling better soon. And a big hug for you.

Yes I remember the horror of your half term very well - I felt so desperately sad for all of you. You mentioned then, I think, that you might need to give up work in order to be available to care for the GC, but now, it seems, your DiL's family are mostly taking over that role, so although you do some of the childcare this hasn't stopped you from continuing to work.
For what it's worth, I would say carry on as you are for the moment. As pensionpat says, now is not the time for big decisions. Nor is it the time for making such a major change to your life. Your world has been turned upside down by your DiL's diagnosis and if there's one thing you need it's to hang onto something that provides you with a sense of continuing normality - your work routine and the pressures of working will force you, if only momentarily, to put your worries out of your mind. And your colleagues will be there as an impartial support outside of the family, which is so important. You recognise that your DS may need 'a place to come to get away from the trauma for a few hours'. You need this too.
So carry on working for a while, and use the money to replace all your white goods while you can, and get your house redecorated. Then when you do retire you won't have those expenses to worry about on top of other concerns.
Good luck, and I so hope things turn out a little better for your family, particularly that your dear DiL responds well to treatment and is relieved of her pain.

I would just like to say that I totally agree with the comments above. Now is not the time to make life-changing decisions, and being able to go somewhere outside the situation is good for you. I'd also totally agree with writing things down. It's so easy to have things whirling round in your head but having things in black and white will help sort them out.

One other thing that occurred to me. I completely understand why you're giving your DS a place to go - but have you told him why you're doing this? He may actually feel the need to talk some things over with you - mothers and sons - and may feel that since you don't mention it, that it's you that doesn't want to talk about it.

Meanwhile ((hugs)) and

I agree with pensionpat don't make any decisions while life is so fraught. I didn't see the half term situation but from the above can see that life is really difficult at the moment. It sometimes helps me to think of the things I can do something about and to get on and do it then the things I have no control over and cannot influence so try to put at the back of my mind, which can be very hard. If you can compartmentalise in this way it may help. Maybe writing it down.

You need to pace yourself and not try to do everything yourself.

The financial side of things is so individual I cannot offer any advice.

I can't tell you what to do, but how my heart goes out to you. One of the hardest things about seeing your loved ones suffer is the feeling of impotence, of not being able to do anything except, if that is your thing, to pray.
Maybe time for a family conference with the other GPs, perhaps with but not necessarily your son, to work out a plan of care and back up so that you can do what is useful without worrying about treading on toes. The young family are the entire priority right now and a mutually agreed plan will give you all a role and help to normalise the DGCs' lives just a bit.
Share your feelings with them if you can, I hope the relationship is a good one, and grow a thicker skin if your son or DIL ever seem sensitive they have more important things on their plate. That didn't come out quite right, what I meant was that if ever he is a bit offhand it's not YOU it's just that he can let his hair down with his own mum as it were.
This is when your contribution as mum, MIL and granny is going to be and I do hope that being ACTIVE might help you with the awful trauma of this terrible situation.

It's an impossible and painful situation morethan. I'm sure anyone in your situation would be struggling to see a way forward. Not sure how anyone could know what the 'right' thing is to do. I would agree about giving yourself time, and above all be caring of yourself, but I wonder about your work situation. Apologies if you have explained elsewhere but I am wondering do you enjoy work? Are there supportive colleagues, something to lift your spirits? Does work exhaust you? Would you benefit from having just a short break from it - whether now or in the future? If so would your employer be understanding of your situation, allow some time away or reduce hours, or perhaps your doctor would support some time away? I imagine there is a huge pull to be available, just in case you are needed. Perhaps think if there are options other than all or nothing for now, just to take a little pressure off. It's desperate when we can't fix something for those we love. I feel so sorry for your situation and, no, your half term post didn't upset me, it rather made me see that current struggles for one of our sons are not as z ad as I had thought. Sending love and hugs to you all.

I don't think you should rush into retirement, take the time to work through your finances and what you will need when you finish work. You say that DIL has been told years instead of months which is good news as medical advances are being made all the time. As long as you have an open house and open arms DS, DIL and GC know you are there for them.

I think you are asking because actually you know what you want to do but are a bit scared of doing it and you hope to have some reassurance. What I would say is if you are going to retire, plan what you will do for yourself and factor into that time for caring for GCs and DS etc, but don't make that your main focus. Look at things you have always wanted to do but haven't had time to- drawing, writing, dancing it doesn't matter what and find places you can do them near you. It is better to have too many things to do than not enough you can always drop out if you don't like it or there simply isn't time. Make a retirement plan and then decide. (I think you are unable to settle to other things because this big question is worrying you.) I hope you get through this and find a way of coping. If you are working or retired I am sure you will be a source of comfort and support for your family.

Our view has always been to grab the moment. Both OH and I retired when it would have made no sense to an accountant - we did it because it was right for us. OH left his proper job at the age of 42 as it was making him so stressed - he then worked as a locum. I took a lower paid job when it really made no financial sense because I wanted a change and was also stressed. But we got through and have not regretted our decision.

We do have a bit of savings from the deaths of our parents, but, to put things in perspective, the sort of income that you would have between you if you retired is about twice (at least!) what we live on very happily. We have always managed to take the drops in income in our stride and just amended our lifestyle a bit. Thank fully we do not have expensive tastes!

What I am saying is that you should not let money come into the equation, as you will be comfortably off - certainly by my standards. It clears your head a bit if you can eliminate one factor for the casserole of thoughts!

Maybe what you need to do is to weigh up all the other factors: how much job satisfaction do you have? - would you be sad to leave work? - could you negotiate part time hours if that might help? - could you talk to your son about the fact that you might retire and specifically ask if that would be a help to them in their difficult situation if you were more available? - are there other things that you might be able to enjoy if you had more free time?

We always felt that we should not over-think these things but go with our gut instinct.

You must be feeling very sad about your DIL and the stress that all the family is under. I do hope that you will be able to come to some decision soon; indecision is more stressful than a wrong decision I always feel.

Good wishes to you and all your family.

What a horrid time you are all having. Hope you have someone (outside the family?)to talk to freely. Agree with everyone who says don't make any major changes. But on a practical level, there is evidence that people who retire with house in good nick and newish white goods, bedding etc, manage better financially when retirement comes. Planning this practical stuff might be constructive for you in dealing with everything else too
Good luck and don't give yourself a hard time - sounds as though you're doing the best you can in a really hard situation
Reading this back it sounds really pompous but my partner is dealing with the fear of his cancer recurring and our mantra is Don't give yourself a hard time thinking you're not coping - just get on with coping

Don't retire yet. Keep on working. I think it's very important for you to do that.

I totally agree with everything Indinana said above.

Thinking about your DS and your inability to ask him how he is, you could always write him a letter, to tell him you love him and are thinking of him, and want to help in any way you can - even if only to offer him a sanctuary if he needs a break from the horror. He's best placed to know how you can be of most help, and he may be reassured by knowing he can call on you for any help he needs.

I hope you find some in your life soon. Big hugs

Please don't walk on eggshells! Just be upfront with both your DS and DIL. Tell them that you care deeply about the situation but that you are not going to keep asking how things are going (even though you really want to know) because they must want a break from talking about it. Emphasise that you dearly want to be kept in the loop. Offer your DS a safe haven verbally and both a shoulder to cry on/with and just be there when you are needed. So much better to tell everyone how you are feeling than assume they know, this is when things go wrong. Set it out now before your family have a chance to get hold of the wrong ideas. Good luck with everything

I do recognise the feelings of helplessness and not being able to get motivated and where this comes from.

I think marion makes several good points and suggestions too.

All I can say is I'm sure you will make the best decisions you can. But in the meantime try to look after your physical and mental health. You are going to be needed, and you are going to have to draw on reserves of strength and energy you didn't know you had.

What a terrible situation for all the families, I cannot imagine how everyone is coping. But you are a close family in each other's lives and that is a strength in difficult situations.

I believe your job can be your saviour / solution at present, it makes you get up/ get going, and do all things you have to do, so your mind is active. I also believe in lists, pro n cons of retirement, jobs that must be done in the house, stuff you both could do and things that would be nice but are not essential.

In terms of finances, you could try to either get some things done now, or just trying living on your future retirement income, including work related expenses, saving the rest for when you do retire, and have the time and space to make decisions and oversee work you organise on the house.

Best wishes love n kisses to you and yours

such wise words from lovely GNers. I feel that the only thing I can add is that I think you are still in shock
This is why your kindle and books remain unread etc. Would it be possible to pay for a couple of private sessions with a counsellor who you could talk through your feelings and thoughts.
My sister did this when in a similar situation and it helped (hers was via telephone).
She kept it private so only myself and her DH knew abut it.
This was because she didn't want to make it seem it was about her, when others were suffering.
What it did do, was make her feel more in control and was then able to help the other people who needed it most.
Thinking of you and your lovely family

Morethan2, I'm so sorry to hear of the terrible time you are all having. I think that, when you are up to it, you should keep an eye open for bargains and special offers in white goods, and gradually replace yours and carry out any home improvements as you feel able. Don't try to rush it all at once. If your husband is able to work for a few more years, you could try saving your money and living just on his for the moment, to see how you get on on a reduced income. Try to clear any debts you may have first. You can't do anything to help your daughter-in-law (as I'm sure she is getting the best possible care) except help with the children and offer lots of love and moral support.

What a dreadful situation and so very sad. It's obvious you're going to feel so low and unable to enjoy anything right now. I too wouldn't give up your job just yet - you need the stability of as much 'normality' to get you through whatever is to come. There has been a lot of good advice above so I can't really add to it but wondered if you had a close friend outside the family you could confide in - just someone who would listen rather than tell you what you should be doing. Sometimes just talking to someone not involved helps you get things back in perspective.

The best advice I have heard from a counsellor is to put yourself first. If you were on a plane in an emergency and the oxygen masks dropped, you would be told to out your own on before helping anyone else, even your children. If you became ill you would not be able to help anyone.

Morethan2 I'm sorry but I don't know what sad event happened to your family at half term, but by the posts it's very sad, I'm sorry for that. I hope I'm not speaking out of turn as I've read all the other posts and enjoy this site so I don't want to upset anyone.However, I would take the other option and retire the reason for this is I think it will give you something else to focus on, as we all know I expect a lot of your time at work is wondering/ worrying about your family. If you retire you can channel this energy into something else, and the family may Involve you more as they know your not working full time anymore and you may get to see more of your son and this may bring with it more relaxed time for you both to discuss your feelings.I really think the change will also give you that lift that you need to get back to the things you like doing instead of being in limbo. Wish you well in whatever you decide to do.

I also agree with what Indinana has to say. In a nutshell carry on doing what you are doing, for now.
You will know when the time is right.
My best wishes to you.

I do recall your half term post. All our thoughts are with you, morethan2. I don't feel I can add anything further as GNers have made such sound suggestions already, both for and against retireme4nt at this time. I thought the suggestion of a counsellor was a good one though. Is that something you could contemplate? It might enable you to see things in some sort of perspective so you can be the best possible support to the family. One way or another, I'm sure you'll find the right path for you and your family. Best wishes and hugs