Tell me what to do

I missed your original posts so don't have those details. Sorry you're going through such a difficult time.
I just want to say that almost all women I know are very glad to have retired, especially those working in the NHS (as I did). Life is so much better without the stress and exhaustion of a demanding job, whether you can have a life of leisure or helping the family.
Financially, your husband's income is good, your two pensions, with less tax than when working, and no N.I. are not too bad. You could use your lump sum for things you need in the house. Could you downsize to raise more money if needed?

morethan2 I am sorry that you did not find the counselling of any help. Was that arranged by your occupational health person? or GP? or Voluntary Agency?

I can recommend this register of Human Givens Institute counsellors.

www.hgi.org.uk/register/complete-list.htm

This is their counselling check list:
Effective counselling & psychotherapy checklist
It is a good idea to use the following checklist (prepared by the ethical committee of the European Therapy Studies Institute, ETSI) to protect yourself, or someone you know, from ineffective or even harmful types of counselling and psychotherapy:

An effective psychotherapist or counsellor:

— knows how to build rapport quickly with distressed people

— understands depression and how to lift it

— helps immediately with anxiety problems including trauma or fear related symptoms

— is prepared to give advice if needed or asked for

— will not use jargon or 'psychobabble' or tell you that counselling or psychotherapy has to be 'painful'

— will not dwell unduly on the past

— will be supportive when difficult feelings emerge, but will not encourage people to get emotional beyond the normal need to 'let go' of any bottled up feelings

— may assist you to develop your social skills so that your needs for affection, friendship, pleasure, intimacy, connection to the wider community etc. can be better fulfilled

— will help you to draw and build on your own resources (which may prove greater than you thought)

— will be considerate of the effects of counselling on the people close to you

— may teach you to relax deeply

— may help you think about your problems in new and more empowering ways

— uses a wide range of techniques as appropriate

— may ask you to do things between sessions

— will take as few sessions as possible

— will increase your self confidence and independence and make sure you feel better after every consultation.

www.hgi.org.uk/register/checklist.htm

As you see they will make sure you feel better after every consultation. I have trained in this method as a social worker because I believe it is the most effective form of counselling. A friend has just rung me today to say how much her son aged 45 has benefited after I had found her a therapist on this list. And that he only required 2 sessions to help him get a different perspective on his problems. This type of counselling aims to be brief i.e. up to 6 sessions.

Hoping you find the support you need. Like some other contributors to this thread, I believe is is best not retire until you are sure.

Dear Morethan, I can't add anything to the helpful advice you have already received, but I wanted to thank Frue for her comment 'our mantra is Don't give yourself a hard time thinking you're not coping - just get on with coping' which I think is a great piece of wisdom, and I hope it is of some help to you on the days when the waves are threatening to drown you.

I haven't read all the posts. I don't have a clear picture on the financial situation. However, my husband and I have come to conclusions about life. I will be 61 this year and my husband is 8 years younger. I'm retired because of PTSD but don't, yet, get the state pension.
We have decided that you cannot plan how to live your life believing you will be alive next year. Just look how suddenly Victoria Wood was taken from us.
The other thing I believe in ...is gut instinct. Deep inside you know what the answer is.

Just as an aside......I also live by two phrases from 'Gone with the Wind'.......'oh fiddle Dee Dee...I'll think about that tomorrow' and ' Quite frankly, my dear, I don't give a dam.'

Sending [hugs] morethan. Down days are natural if horrid, it's the old snakes and ladders thing. I agree it might help if you could see a counsellor face to face. Phone can be difficult to get a sense of knowing who you are talking to. Counsellors have differing training and of course are all individuals with their own personalities . It just may be that you weren't a good mix, no-one's fault. Another person may feel very different. Go at your own pace, no rights and wrongs in this situation. Your week is so busy,, tiredness will skew things too. Hope you can get some rest, please be kind to yourself. You are doing all you can.

Thinking of you morethan2, you've such a lot to contend with just now. I'm sorry the counselling call wasn't useful, talking about stuff can make it all feel even more real and overwhelming, maybe seeing someone face to face would be easier. At it's best time with an understanding counsellor might provide you with a safe space to talk about what's happening, something to help you feel taken care of in the midst of it all. Hope you get a good night's sleep and tomorrow is a better day

Yes it will Morethan. Get some sleep and recharge your batteries.
Xxx

Tommorow will be better

Today is a bad day.just when I thought I was coping better. I think one you gransnetters said on another thread about bereavement that there are times when it's like standing by the sea some days the sight and sound of the waves can be a comfort, some days feel like paddling in rough water and some days you feel as if you've been hit by a freezing ferocious wave and it's taken your breath away and all you can do is stand and wait until the your teeth stop chattering, the shivering stops and the waves recedes into the distance. That's today. I have tried to talk to my DiL but we both started crying and I had to stop. I've had a telephone conversation with a counsellor but didn't find it helpful really. It rather stirred my emotion up. I do think I'm tired, the weekend childcare is lovely but leaves me worn out and it's straight to work Monday- Thursday with childminding Friday to Sunday. I have to find a way of managing that and I'll feel better. Your advice is appreciated, honestly it is. Even if I don't act on it now, I have it churning in my brain and I'm sure it will eventually help me make up my mind.

What can I say, just that my, (everyones') thoughts are with you. We never know what life will throw at us and all we can do is our best. I wish for everything to get better for you and your family.

It sounds as though you may be mildly depressed, or at least too much is happening for you to cope with. Until things become clearer, it's best not to burn your boats. As your husband is working and will presumably have a reasonable pension when he retires, it sounds as though money will not be a big problem, although if you have no savings it might be worth starting to put something aside now. If nothing else you may be able to help your DIL with treats such as massages, beauty session. etc later on, or help the family to go on a break. Maybe you need to treat yoursef too as you,'ve been through a lot of stress lately.
It would be a pity to give up your job and then find you're not needed. Would it help if you could reduce your hours? Have you talked with your son and DIL (and maybe her parents) and told her that you will be there to do whatever is needed now and in the future, (she may be worried about how her husband will cope with the children if the worst happens)- tell her that you are ready to retire if needed, and that she needn't worry. It will help her cope with whatever happens to get all her worries about the future out in the open and talk them through. Ask her what would be the most useful thing you can do? It might just be chauffering her to appointments, or helping with housework, ironing etc. (Or paying for a home help to do it). No doubt things will change from week to week. You need to find a way to recharge your own batteries too.

A decision I would find hard to make. I wonder if you have considered reducing the days you work, if your job allows. You would have a taste of more time to yourself and be able to offer help as needed. If the inlaws are doing most childcare perhaps you could do a few chores, a bit of cooking, washing and so on. Just a thought. Good luck with everything.

So very sorry to hear you're struggling with this morethan2. I also agree that a counsellor could help you. Try looking for one that specialises in this kind of situation if you can. Please don't be upset, but have you considered that you may be depressed? I only ask because of the way you describe your lethargy and inability to get motivated; classic signs of depression. Absolutely nothing to be ashamed of as you have every reason to feel that way, bless you. Perhaps you could talk to an understanding GP and see what they advise? Sometimes a short course of pills and some counselling can work wonders in making you feel better. I know because I've needed that help myself. Once you feel better able to cope the rest will come more easily.

Just on a very practical note. I did everything I could to make sure my house was in order for retirement. I had a new roof ,top of the range white goods,new tv,etc etc etc. But things still happen my roof is leaking and the hob is fading so I wouldn't stress about inanimate objects. Deal with your sadness and follow some of the good advice on here counselling, GP ,leave for stress.

Such good and varied advice on here. I would add a couple of thoughts. You appear clinically depressed, understandable with any major life changing event.

Perhaps a visit to your GP to explain how you are struggling would help. A certificated time off work may also help in the short term. And remember that if you break a leg you have a pot on which makes your problem visible and up for discussion and sympathy with friends. Mental anguish is hard for a lot of people to deal with and they often 'stay away' or avoid you. Antidepressants may also lift you to a point where you can start to dispel the inertia you currently feel and remember they are not to be associated with feelings of failure or shame.

Regarding your house this is a long term decision and can be placed on the back burner for now. However, you can consider downsizing and moving to a new build when the time comes to revisit this.

Whatever happens, you will find hidden strength through all of this. I wish you well.

Thank you for taking the time to help. There's a lot of truth in all your replies. I was juggling with the thought of retirement before this happened. In the very first days of being told about my DiL I went to work on auto pilot. In someways I probably wasn't in the right frame of mind and shouldn't have been there but I didn't know what else to do. It would have felt worse at home. Like many of you have said I needed the structure and routine. I also had massive support and compassion from my colleagues. One in particular has been very supportive. She was able to interpret the consultants report. This has become enormously important to me because a strange thing has happened since I had the news. The majority of my friends have stayed away. They've said the right thing but their silence since is deafening. I understand how truly terrible what's happening is I think Its scared people away. I don't blame them really. I have two or three who've been wonderful so I'm not completely abandoned. My family are great but they are upset so aren't able to support me. I work for the NHS face to face with young families. It has become increasingly stressful over the last two years. Not the face to face stuff but the massive increase in ticking boxes, form filling and now commissioning and all the changes that's bringing. I'm exhausted at the best of times. First I will write a list of pro and cons. I will ask for some counselling. I'll try and talk to my son and his in laws to gauge what's happening. The other thing is I know it's much worse for her family. If you could pick which side of the family to be it wouldn't be theirs, it'd be mine. My feelings fade next to theirs. It's still
shitty awful though. Thanks again although I don't have an answer I think I can move forward. I will probably mull things over with you all again.

I would disagree with the advice offered by most others. If I were in your situation I would retire as soon as I could. It doesn't seem like you will struggle financially so why not relieve yourself of one source of pressure.
Sorry, but that is my gut instinct.
Do hope your DiL does well on the treatment.

I do recall your half term post. All our thoughts are with you, morethan2. I don't feel I can add anything further as GNers have made such sound suggestions already, both for and against retireme4nt at this time. I thought the suggestion of a counsellor was a good one though. Is that something you could contemplate? It might enable you to see things in some sort of perspective so you can be the best possible support to the family. One way or another, I'm sure you'll find the right path for you and your family. Best wishes and hugs

I also agree with what Indinana has to say. In a nutshell carry on doing what you are doing, for now.
You will know when the time is right.
My best wishes to you.

Morethan2 I'm sorry but I don't know what sad event happened to your family at half term, but by the posts it's very sad, I'm sorry for that. I hope I'm not speaking out of turn as I've read all the other posts and enjoy this site so I don't want to upset anyone.However, I would take the other option and retire the reason for this is I think it will give you something else to focus on, as we all know I expect a lot of your time at work is wondering/ worrying about your family. If you retire you can channel this energy into something else, and the family may Involve you more as they know your not working full time anymore and you may get to see more of your son and this may bring with it more relaxed time for you both to discuss your feelings.I really think the change will also give you that lift that you need to get back to the things you like doing instead of being in limbo. Wish you well in whatever you decide to do.

The best advice I have heard from a counsellor is to put yourself first. If you were on a plane in an emergency and the oxygen masks dropped, you would be told to out your own on before helping anyone else, even your children. If you became ill you would not be able to help anyone.

What a dreadful situation and so very sad. It's obvious you're going to feel so low and unable to enjoy anything right now. I too wouldn't give up your job just yet - you need the stability of as much 'normality' to get you through whatever is to come. There has been a lot of good advice above so I can't really add to it but wondered if you had a close friend outside the family you could confide in - just someone who would listen rather than tell you what you should be doing. Sometimes just talking to someone not involved helps you get things back in perspective.

Morethan2, I'm so sorry to hear of the terrible time you are all having. I think that, when you are up to it, you should keep an eye open for bargains and special offers in white goods, and gradually replace yours and carry out any home improvements as you feel able. Don't try to rush it all at once. If your husband is able to work for a few more years, you could try saving your money and living just on his for the moment, to see how you get on on a reduced income. Try to clear any debts you may have first. You can't do anything to help your daughter-in-law (as I'm sure she is getting the best possible care) except help with the children and offer lots of love and moral support.

such wise words from lovely GNers. I feel that the only thing I can add is that I think you are still in shock
This is why your kindle and books remain unread etc. Would it be possible to pay for a couple of private sessions with a counsellor who you could talk through your feelings and thoughts.
My sister did this when in a similar situation and it helped (hers was via telephone).
She kept it private so only myself and her DH knew abut it.
This was because she didn't want to make it seem it was about her, when others were suffering.
What it did do, was make her feel more in control and was then able to help the other people who needed it most.
Thinking of you and your lovely family

What a terrible situation for all the families, I cannot imagine how everyone is coping. But you are a close family in each other's lives and that is a strength in difficult situations.

I believe your job can be your saviour / solution at present, it makes you get up/ get going, and do all things you have to do, so your mind is active. I also believe in lists, pro n cons of retirement, jobs that must be done in the house, stuff you both could do and things that would be nice but are not essential.

In terms of finances, you could try to either get some things done now, or just trying living on your future retirement income, including work related expenses, saving the rest for when you do retire, and have the time and space to make decisions and oversee work you organise on the house.

Best wishes love n kisses to you and yours