Something unspoken?

Jane I have felt unappreciated at times. It has made me think about how I treated my own mother. She had 7 children and was what would now be called 'a battered wife'. I saw her go through some appalling things but, looking back, I realise now that I was only concerned for myself, getting myself out of that house. When I was a teenager she asked me one day if I would go to the park with her and I was horrified. I was a teenager, why would I want to go to the park with my mother? She went alone as I'm sure she did many times. I now realise that she wanted to be out of the house when my father came home drunk, to give him time to sleep it off so she wouldn't suffer. She died at 58 when I was 23. I wish I had her here now to look after her. I agree regarding the meaningless hugs. My sister said to me yesterday 'doesn't all this kissing and hugging get on your nerves?' Yes it does.

Thought provoking, when we were young there seemed no need to constantly reassure family members that we loved them or for them to tell us. It was understood, taken for granted in my family. Have we, or our children and grandchildren, gradually become less secure, more needy? Is life so precarious that we need the constant reminder of 'take care' to remind us that we matter to our loved ones. Has the rise in divorce rates made this necessary?

My grandmother would sometimes, discussing plans, say 'God willing' or 'All being well', a Western equivalent of 'Inshallah' which one hears now from Muslims. That was as far as it went, from a woman who had lived through two world wars. 'I love you' was unnecessary from close relatives, just the words one hoped to hear eventually from a boyfriend!

Writing Christmas cards, emails, even texts, I'm surprised how often I put 'love' and kisses. I just don't want anyone to feel I don't care about them, but I'm getting in touch with them, aren't I?! Maybe that should be enough! I don't make a big thing of hugging people though I'm pleased when I get a spontaneous hug, especially from family. And as for Mwa air kisses - no, please! Oddly I'm happy to exchange cheek kisses (1,2 or 3) with friends from other cultures.

It was always us that contacted my mum (MiL died just after we married) she was widowed for 30 yrs, DH loved her and did many jobs for her and I would see her twice a week but she 'never' phoned or came to ours unless invited. She had a MiL that hated her and was always popping in unannounced so mum was very conscious of not being "being a nuisance" as she called it. Her and I never had a hugging kissing relationship but we knew how we felt. I'm like it with DD I don't call her because I don't want her to think I'm needy. The day she left for Germany at 18 I had to ask her for a hug at the airport even though we have a good relationship. It's just not her "thing"

Hugging is not a family thing for us, either, and yet my friends and some bowls colleagues will give me a hug, and receive one in return. It is strange, but it never occurs to me to hug my daughter or grand-children, my son just pushes away any advances. Give the other half the occasional cuddle though!

Our DDs hug us every time they meet us, or leave us - as do all the GC. I like it! And if I am sitting around my DD will sometimes come up and just put her arm around me. I am all for hugs! But then I never got such things from my own parents, so I am making up for lost time and getting my quota in before I pop my clogs!

I can remember the time when all this social hugging and kissing began. It felt uncomfortably false then and still does. I love to cuddle the GCs though but cringe for them when their parents tell them to give Gran a hug. It has to be genuine. Most social hugging and kissing feels vapid to me.

There's a lot of hugging and kissing going on these days where I live, but people usually pass me by. (I've clearly given out unspoken signals). I always hug and kiss my DC/DDiL/DS2's GF and, of course, DH and a few close friends but not my sis or brother. It often feels insincere to me coming from acquaintances.

I had several sets of foster parents and my own mother, none of whom hugged or kissed me.
The last foster parent I had, at 16, did and showed me how to spontaneously express love and affection to others.
My family all hug and kiss and I delight that my youngest GSs demand 'eskimo kisses' from me.
When my dog had to take a final visit to the vets earlier this year my larger GSs, both over six foot just surrounded me in a hug.

I love hugging my DC and DGC. I love them so am more than happy to show it by giving them a hug and a kiss - and love getting them in return. My 6 mth old DGD has recently learnt how to kiss. Well, her version of a kiss, that is: she puts her little arms tightly round my neck and presses her face against mine as hard as she can, with her mouth open, making a loud 'mmmm' noise .
I don't like social kissing and hugging, though, not just for the sake of it. If a close friend confides in my about something that's upset or worried her, then she'll get a supportive hug from me. But these mwah mwah air-kissy types get on my nerves I'm afraid.
KatyK I felt so sad reading your post. I can empathise because I too lost my father when he was 58 and I was 23. I have often upset myself thinking about him and how I didn't really show him how much I loved and appreciated all that he did for me. We were young, weren't we? We probably thought we had years and years left with our dads. Or more likely, we never gave it a single thought ......and then they were gone

confides in me, not my

I do give my daughter a hug quite often but I don't remember getting many from my mum when I was older.

Jane10, when/how do you reckon it all started?

Hard to be sure. I don't remember it in the 70s. It seemed to come in around the 80s. Something to do with yuppies? Maybe creeping Americanisation? One of the posters commented on our increased neediness to be told we're loved etc where previously we didn't need such overt assurance. Interesting to consider possibilities.

Our two sons were brought up exactly the same but one is a great hugger whilst the other isn't but more recently I have made more of a point of hugging him. Our grandson is a hugger but his sister not so much. I have friends who hug and those who don't and respect their feelings. But many years ago at a low point in my life I remember seeing a friend who gave me a big hug and I remember how much it helped me. I needed physical comfort at that point in my life so I never underestimate the importance of hugging. But, I can't get into continental kissing. That does seem affected to me.

My Scottish parents (46 and 29 when I was born) were not demonstrative, but my mum apparently told my godmother that I wasn't a demonstrative child; on the contrary, I hugged her lots. Obviously I didn't feel comfortable showing affection to my parents. These days I am a spontaneous "hugger" - if I feel someone needs a nice warm comforting friendly hug, I'll give it; if I sense that it would be felt "wrong", no way! As a Wiccan I generally sign off to others as "Love & Peace", or similar, knowing that it will not be misunderstood, but is more an expression of wishes sent to the other person. So, Love, peace and blessed be, my friends.

My mum lived abroad. We always kissed and hugged when we saw each other and when we parted. One year as I was in the taxi about to leave for the airport to come back to the UK, and having already hugged and said our goodbyes, I got an overwhelming need for another hug so I got out of the taxi, went back, gave her a really big hug and kiss and told her I loved her. She was a bit surprised but gave me a big hug and kiss back and said she loved me too - not something we usually did. The next time I saw her she was in her coffin. I am so glad I went back for that last cuddle and kiss and that I told her I loved her.

I don't do air kisses or much kissing, except with my DH and Mum. I am a big hugger though and so glad that expressing my love for someone in a hug is now part of my life. I know I was loved as a child, but I don't remember much physical contact - unless I had fallen over or something.

In our family, hugging started after we all went our separate ways as adults and now live in different parts of the country. My hugs on seeing any member of my small family are heart felt and I know the hugs are heart felt. My Mum and I hug a lot because we're very close, yet live far apart and want to make the most of any time together.

I don't care why 'social' hugging and kissing is part of our culture these days, I'm just happy about it.

Here's to many more hugs in 2016.

I love a hug too. My DDs, DGSs and DSiLs always hug and kiss me to say hello and goodbye. I also always say love you lots. It's just the way of our family and I wouldn't have it any other way

a hug and a kiss means more then words

Maybe we appreciate/need the hugs and kisses now precisely because we didn't get them as adolescents. My parents stopped telling me that they loved me when I started grammar school. Like a lot of us we were supposed to know that we were loved by inferrance. Maybe if it was spoken of more while we were growing up we wouldn't be so "needy" now.

Sorry if that's a bit muddled. I know what I mean but can't find the right words. hugs

Anita53 - that's lovely, you've got me in tears.

As a child I was never told "I love you or hugged, my parents were not ones to give any type of affection, I was a fairly young Mum and it never occurred to me that as my 2 DC got older I was repeating the same pattern. It is only now where public displays of affection are so common that I realise that I should have broken the mold. They both know how much I love them but are uncomfortable if I hug them or give them a kiss on rare occasions.
My DS is perhaps a little easier with hugs but I'm saddened to say DD finds it harder.
I make a point of hugging and kissing the DGC often.

DianneAngel. I know exactly what you mean.

I always hugged and kissed my children and told them how much I loved them also I fostered many young ones and they also had lots of hugs and so it went on to my grandchildren but after my husband died and 4 years later I remarried although my children except it to a degree most of my grandchildren hate me (they are all married) because they feel I have betrayed their grandfather 2 wont even talk to me yes I did feel very unhappy but now although it still hurts I think that one day they will regret their action I have been married now for 7 years and very happy so I get on with my life and let them get on with theirs sad but that is the way it is I have never seen 5 of my great grandchildren that hurts but at least they let me send them Christmas and birthday presents so maybe one day they will tell them about me.