Subtle cyberbullying

Grrrr!! Grannyknot. I'm so glad FB etc wasn't around when our kids were younger. Life is difficult enough as it is. Don't know what the answer is though. Sorry that's not much help but I do feel for you and her.

Things weren't that much better before FB etc really, I was invited to my best friend's 14th birthday party until another girl got her hooks into her and suddenly I was uninvited. It is just much more hidden.

Maybe the best advice is that to have good friends it is necessary to be a good friend and maybe she can be friends with someone else who also feels left out. But it is difficult when you want to be part of the in-crowd and the in crowd isn't really the best place to be!

The poor girl! But here could be a simple explanation - eg the party girl's parents didn't have a full list of the girls in the class.
I've heard of that kind of thing happening with wedding invites etc. Or the invitation was sent and got lost somehow.

I think this sort of thing goes on a lot on social media unfortunately. This is my problem with Facebook. People can feel left out and then start questioning why they are left out and coming to all sorts of conclusions - that they are not good enough, don't fit in etc. I keep away from it personally but I know from my own granddaughter that this isn't an option for young folks these days.

This happened to my GD and it wasn't a mistake. Fortunately my GD's best friend refused to go either but the hurt was done.

I think there is an issue about age, here. You have to be 13 to have a facebook account, but I think this is too young, and that 15 or 16 is more appropriate. The problem with social media is that it is both public and permanent and I would question whether very young teenagers can be expected to handle this. Many adults find the construction of an online persona quite a challenge - deciding what to share, and with whom to share it - and it is expecting quite a degree of sophistication for youngsters to cope with all the implications.

aw, poor girl.
But as TriciaF says, it may be a genuine mistake.
Perhaps she could ask someone she thinks appropriate, if she is actually invited?

It's very sad. Perhaps parents should think about this aspect when arranging parties, they need to teach their children good manners in this respect.

Either have a limited number of the closest friends or the lot but don't leave out one particular person.

The other thing is though, is she sure that every one but her has been invited.

My DD has had the same thing happen to her and it is very difficult to 'talk it up' in a positive way. I would suggest that as parents it is our responsibility to point out to children/teenagers sorting out who to invite to their party that it is very hurtful to be left out and that they either have a few select friends or the whole lot, it is crushingly hurtful to be the only one in the class not to be invited.

It could be, quite simply, that she is new at the school, so no-one in the class really knows her and that is why she wasn't asked to the party. Next year, when she has been there longer and had a chance to get to know her classmates, she will probably be included.

Would she be prepared to take in a birthday card for the girl giving the party? It wouldn't help the present situation, but it might soften up the other girl and help in future relationships for her within the class. And you never know, she might get a last minute invite.

New girl's mantra......Put yourself in a good light. jingl is right. Try a little sucking up and there might be the chance of a last minute invite.

I don't think facebook can be blamed for subtle bullying. Kids put everything on there so if your niece found out via fb that she was the only one not invited it may not have been deliberate.

It's horrible to be feeling left out but the best way to get around it is to be VERY friendly to all the other girls. They often haven't a clue how to treat a new girl and the best way to turn it around is to make sure that one missed invite leads to plenty of future ones.

I was the new girl in twelve different schools.....Chin up!!

jingle that's a good suggestion...

I don't think this is a mistake though, these girls all know each other from primary school, or most of them do anyway, with a few new ones thrown in.

Sorry, Grannyknot, I thought she was a new girl.

Oh, that's fine merlot , an easy mistake to make because I said "new school" in my OP.

This happened to my Dgd about 5 years ago. She was socially neuked in her new high school. The cyberbullying grew. If I could give any advice it would be not to let our young ones join social media sites until they're more equiped to handle them. It's a catch22 situation really. My DD had to move my grandchildren to another school and she's thrived. Nearly finished now.
Alex

I think they are very stupid if they put a party invitation on Facebook - it's an invitation for all and sundry to gatecrash and cause mayhem. Your DN may be very unhappy about this - but you may be glad that she didn't get an invite!

A neighbour's 15 year old daughter had a 'sleepover' when her parents went away (with their permission ) and it was invaded, as were nearby gardens with couples and with boys using the gardens as public lavatories. Total chaos.

It could be a mistake but if it is not I think it is spiteful.

All part of the growing up process. Even without Facebook she would have found out that lots of others were going.Is it really ALL the others though? Children usually say all when they mean a lot.It may have been unintentional, or the party girl just didn't know her?Girls can be mean to each other of course.

Granyknot so sorry for your niece. There are some articles on the web which may help. Try searching for feeling left out or similar. Your niece is certainly not the only one that this happens to and whilst it may be of no comfort you can assure her it's likely to happen at some point to all the girls that excluded her, if not now then later in life. My friend and I excluded another girl from joining us when we were young. Not from any reason of malice simply that we didn't think how it might hurt her feelings. I often think of her and regret what we did.

There was an item on the news this morning about research into bullying of young people on social media and how it was "unavoidable." OH commented somewhat dourly that it is avoidable by switching off the relevant appliance! It is a shame that this is not possible for most young people as they are totally hooked on them.

I dont think we can blame Facebook for this, my daughter has been sitting in a group of people who have discussed a forthcoming party that they have not invited her to. Rudeness and social unawareness is not always the fault of social media. .

gill I'm not blaming Facebook for it, nor do I think it is rude to not invite everyone to the party (if someone doesn't want to invite a person to their party, that's their prerogative). I suppose (having seen how upset my niece was and feeling sorry for her) I'm trying to understand how the world of social media can be used to influence the life of a 13 year old. I agree with someone who said earlier that 13 is too young for Facebook and I've also just realised that she will be new to it all (as she is just 13).

A lot of kids open facebook accounts long before they are 13. There are no checks on age. Secondary schools run internet awareness days and it's obvious that most 12 yr olds are on facebook because of peer pressure.

The genie is out of the bottle, I'm afraid.

Open physical bullying is bad enough (oldest son had that, though he's not a typical victim) but the internet type is just cowardly and mean. And it's so difficult to retaliate.

Personally I was rarely invited to anything as a child. We were the rough family in the street who the other kids were not allowed to play with It's horrible but as roses said, all part of the growing up process. I would be upset for my granddaughter if this happened to her.