Subtle cyberbullying

At DGD's party one little girl brought a card but no present. It was only noticed because DGD, a conscientious little girl, was putting cards and presents together after the event so that when she opened them she knew who had given what in order to say thank you. DDiL just said; 'I expect she couldn't afford one' in a casual voice, and DGD accepted the explanation without comment. DDiL commented to me that the child's father was disabled and her mother a fulltime carer so they lived on benefits on the neighbouring council estate.

Both DH and I were separately the victims of some violent bullying at secondary school. I would never condone any kind of bullying but it is almost impossible to eradicate it completely and bullies will adapt their bullying techniques to match changing circumstances and technologies.

I hate FB and everything it stands for. I might miss out on some family photos but for me it's a small price to pay for not getting involved with it. I truly feel sorry for your DN grannyknot but nothing surprises me where FB is concerned.

Bullying has always gone on though hasn't it? Children have always been picked on in the playground or left out of games and parties but this cyber bullying is awful because of the speed of which nasty comments can be spread.

Silly question (and I might have missed something) but I wonder what would happen if DN just asked why she had been left out?

I would like to add that cyber bullies come in all ages .

My children went to a school in a very mixed area, and I always tried to invite as many children as I could to parties irrespective of their background. Still in primary school, DD was invited to the party of one of her friends who came from a very poor family and I must admit I took her (snob alert) with some anxiety just not knowing what to expect. The mother welcomed her in and I caught a glimpse of the party table. Doorstep sandwiches with huge slabs of cheese, all the crisps, pop, E numbers you could think of and certainly no little niceties in terms of party food or decorations. My daughter (around 6 at the time) came home saying it was 'the best party I've ever been to'. I think it was because she felt welcomed, had fun, and the adults genuinely liked children and no one stood on ceremony. A lesson to me to look at people through a child's eyes!

Sorry, I digress, but I think Grannyknot's mum had it right and the lesson to be kind (and non-judgmental) is the most important one we can give our children.

Oh yes if course, I see now.

My poor daughter got a bursary to an expensive private school (high school) and the first party she was invited to, when she came back she said how embarrassed she was because her gift was inferior compared to what the child received from others . It had never occurred to me to up my game with choosing gifts (nor break my budget) according to the relative wealth of her new classmates.

Better than arriving the day after, which I know has happened! And I have heard of people who in one case went miles to a wedding a week early and in another instance a long way to a funeral a day late.

Sorry. I should have made it clearer that he arrived the day before the party.

I didn't understand on the first reading either, Grannyknot, but then it dawned on me that the little boy carrying the present had come to merlot's brother's birthday party on the wrong day...shame!

merlot that's very well written and I read it with interest. But I don't understand what the poor mite did wrong!? What was the mistake that had been made and had him in tears of embarrassment?

I think I may have already put this on another thread but all this talking about being left out of birthday parties reminds me of when we lived in Aden and my younger brother was getting excited about his fifth birthday. The afternoon before the party we were looking out of his bedroom window and spotted a small figure in the distance trudging across the large expanse of sand at the back of our house. His tiny frame grew larger through the shimmering heat haze like Omar Sharif in Lawrence of Arabia and as he came nearer we could see he was carrying a large, beautifully wrapped package under his arm.

My brother was outraged. 'He's going to a party. I haven't been invited. THAT'S NOT FAIR' I shared his anger as I was very protective and hated to see him in tears.

We hung over the balcony to watch where the favoured one was going then fell back in disbelief as we heard our front door bell ring. The poor little lad was in tears of embarrassment and as 'big sister' I had to walk him home and explain the mistake to his equally embarrassed mother which felt like a huge responsibility for a ten year old.

I've always thought that children's parties have a lot to answer for when it comes to raw emotion.

Yes, I know KatyK and those two little girls were always so happy to be invited (I can still picture them now) and they would bring us second-hand birthday cards with the previous recipient's name crossed out and ours written in. So they were ahead of their time with recycling!

Grannyknot - what I a lovely mum you had.

My DD went to a small country primary school and was the "odd one out". She got invited to one birthday party during that time and the birthday girl made it clear that her mother had insisted on inviting my DD as well as the rest. So being invited wasn't really any better than not being invited, for her.

Our local high school, a few years ago, publicised that they would put school / assignment info on facebook, as all the young people have it and were not interested in the online methods the school had been using previously.
So- too bad for any young people there who might want to keep out of facebook.

Katy .

I had the sort of mother who would deliberately invite all the kids - including the "rough kids" in the neighbourhood - to my parties . It made for some interesting times!

As an aside - I was a teenager before I discovered that people got lots of presents from their family for their birthdays. We only ever got one. Even when we had parties, other kids would usually bring a card only, no gift.

Personally I was rarely invited to anything as a child. We were the rough family in the street who the other kids were not allowed to play with It's horrible but as roses said, all part of the growing up process. I would be upset for my granddaughter if this happened to her.

Open physical bullying is bad enough (oldest son had that, though he's not a typical victim) but the internet type is just cowardly and mean. And it's so difficult to retaliate.

A lot of kids open facebook accounts long before they are 13. There are no checks on age. Secondary schools run internet awareness days and it's obvious that most 12 yr olds are on facebook because of peer pressure.

The genie is out of the bottle, I'm afraid.

gill I'm not blaming Facebook for it, nor do I think it is rude to not invite everyone to the party (if someone doesn't want to invite a person to their party, that's their prerogative). I suppose (having seen how upset my niece was and feeling sorry for her) I'm trying to understand how the world of social media can be used to influence the life of a 13 year old. I agree with someone who said earlier that 13 is too young for Facebook and I've also just realised that she will be new to it all (as she is just 13).

I dont think we can blame Facebook for this, my daughter has been sitting in a group of people who have discussed a forthcoming party that they have not invited her to. Rudeness and social unawareness is not always the fault of social media. .

There was an item on the news this morning about research into bullying of young people on social media and how it was "unavoidable." OH commented somewhat dourly that it is avoidable by switching off the relevant appliance! It is a shame that this is not possible for most young people as they are totally hooked on them.

Granyknot so sorry for your niece. There are some articles on the web which may help. Try searching for feeling left out or similar. Your niece is certainly not the only one that this happens to and whilst it may be of no comfort you can assure her it's likely to happen at some point to all the girls that excluded her, if not now then later in life. My friend and I excluded another girl from joining us when we were young. Not from any reason of malice simply that we didn't think how it might hurt her feelings. I often think of her and regret what we did.

All part of the growing up process. Even without Facebook she would have found out that lots of others were going.Is it really ALL the others though? Children usually say all when they mean a lot.It may have been unintentional, or the party girl just didn't know her?Girls can be mean to each other of course.

I think they are very stupid if they put a party invitation on Facebook - it's an invitation for all and sundry to gatecrash and cause mayhem. Your DN may be very unhappy about this - but you may be glad that she didn't get an invite!

A neighbour's 15 year old daughter had a 'sleepover' when her parents went away (with their permission ) and it was invaded, as were nearby gardens with couples and with boys using the gardens as public lavatories. Total chaos.

It could be a mistake but if it is not I think it is spiteful.

This happened to my Dgd about 5 years ago. She was socially neuked in her new high school. The cyberbullying grew. If I could give any advice it would be not to let our young ones join social media sites until they're more equiped to handle them. It's a catch22 situation really. My DD had to move my grandchildren to another school and she's thrived. Nearly finished now.
Alex

Oh, that's fine merlot , an easy mistake to make because I said "new school" in my OP.

Sorry, Grannyknot, I thought she was a new girl.