Children going to funeral

I think she should go. My elder children's grandad died when they were all under 10 and they went to his funeral. It is good for them to have the chance to say goodbye.

If the young girl feels she would like to attend the funeral she should be allowed to do so.

I was nine years old when my father died but was not allowed to go to his funeral. It still bothers me today that I was shielded from saying my last goodbye to him.

Condolences on the loss of your father, colournanny

Sorry for your loss
I would allow her to go if she wants to

Let her go. All modern research into grieving in children, emphasises the importance of children not being excluded from funerals. Mine went to their grandfather's funeral at the ages of 8 and 10 without any problem.

Your mother is, naturally, reflecting the (now considered erroneous) views of many of her generation.

I’d say if she’s asked to go, she should be allowed, and maybe even be given a small part to play, like giving out orders of service etc.
On my father’s ( Irish) side of the family, grandchildren were very much involved in the funeral, as the deceased was laid out in the sitting room, and the children put drawings, flowers, and other mementoes into the coffin.

It’s a yes from me. My 4 grandchildren were 18 months - 7 years old when their 16 year old cousin died. They were all very close to her so we took them all to the funeral - why not? Death is a part of life and you can’t shield them from it forever.

Yes. I think 'they' recommend it for children. Death is part of life, although not the best part, admittedly. 11 isn't too young.

colournanny I would let her go to the funeral, 11 is not too young. My older DC went to my father's funeral when they were 9 and 11.

Thanku for all your messages. I totally agree with u all . I’m just worried about explaining that to my mum ,

Thanku

Definitely let her go, my grandkids were 4 and 6 when their Daddy died my daughter took a lot of professional advice and they all said it’s far better for a child to go as it gives them some closure and they know he is really gone for ever They both had a cry in the service itself mainly because others were crying around them it was an open coffin as is the way in Ireland and they gave their Daddy a kiss goodbye ( they asked to) then we went to the burial site it was a lovely day and I ll never forget my little granddaughter (4) skipping along in the sunshine they carried his running shoes and club shirt They were included and were doing the last thing they could for their Daddy
Please tell your mum my story if you think it may help

Condolences. I don't believe she should attend.

He is part of her and I think it’s truly lovely that she wants to go - she must be a special young girl. Condolences to you

She is a special girl, she’s written a lovely letter for me to put in my dads coffin cx

Bless her - her being there will be a comfort to you all - I bet your dad loved her to bits and she will carry that love with her for the rest of her life

My DGDs aged 7,6 and 3 were at Paw’s funeral but did not come to the interment. This was entirely at their parents’ discretion and I was glad they were all there. The youngest (18months) was not there as it would have been hard to cope with him as all three DDs read at the service.

I have to say the 7 year old was the most affected and cried quietly throughout most of it but I still think he would have wanted to be there.
11 is plenty old enough to be there.

DGCs not DGDs

I’m sorry for your loss colournanny. Our two were 9 and 7 when their grandmother died. A long while ago now. Recommendation back then was for children not to attend what was a very long, very formal funeral. They still tell me they would rather have been there and we should have listened to them. I wish we had. It would be a shame if you and your Mum had the same regrets. I hope the day goes as well as it can.

I think it is totally appropriate for her to go at 11. I think it is good for children to learn about these aspects of life - although it is good if someone explains what is going to happen in advance in an age appropriate way

I never had the option of leaving my kids at home as we lived abroad. DDs attended my Dad's funeral at 4 and 2 and MIL's funeral at 5 and 3.

As long as your granddaughter is OK about it, then I think she should be there. You could perhaps give her a role in the ceremony: we had a large candle that was lit by one grandchild at the start of the ceremony, and blown out by another at the end. It will help her come to terms with the fact that his life has come to an end.

Oh yes - she must be allowed to go. The stark reality of death is hard for everyone, old or young, but she will not be helped by sheltering her from it - she needs to see how it is dealt with, how family and friends support each other, and how the person who has died is loved by so many who come to the service.

It is fashionable to take children to funerals now. I suppose she should be allowed to go if she has asked to, but I would discourage it myself. Make sure she knows what is involved.

My children, then aged nine and six, did not go to their father’s funeral. After reading recently that it is better that children do go, I asked them what they had felt at the time and since. (They are in their forties now).They both said that they had never really thought about it at all, but just taken it for granted that children didn’t go.

They weren’t sheltered from the death, obviously. They lived with it every day of their lives. There was no need for them to witness a funeral. I suppose it depends whether you have religious beliefs or not. We didn’t. These days I wouldn’t have a funeral at all, but then I thought one had to.

its not "fashionable"Grandma70's its always been that way for many families ,its just been confirmed for us that its better for children to be allowed to attend the funerals of close family than to be sheltered from reality by keeping them away .Our GC are very matter of fact about death,its part of life so thats how it should be

My two little GDs, 5 and 3, have just been to their daddy’s aunt’s funeral. They didn’t go to the burial. I think an 11 year old should be encouraged to go, especially as that’s what she’d like to,do.