My son and DIL decided tomove abroad from London in May this year, whilst expecting my first Grandchild. It was a bit of a shock for me as my son is my only child and I don't have much family and I was really looking forward to the birth of the baby and being a hands on doting grandma. I'm not ashamed to say the sudden news really affected me but I just got on with things and wished them well. I don't really get on with my DIL as she's hard to read and quite direct and a bit demandin. She never mentioned the move to me once, until I brought it up.
My son came up to visit me before leaving and I gave him beautiful outfits for the baby and a Peter Rabbit for the baby to cuddle in his cot. I wrapped them in lovely gift paper and popped in a congratulations card for July when the baby would be born. I had showed them all to my son and he was appreciative. I'm the type of person who gets happiness out of giving and am a people pleaserm
However, a month went by and there was no acknowledgement of the gifts from my DIL. It just would have been nice to share her reaction to them really. I asked my son had she opened them and he said she had and liked them. I couldn't help say to him that a thank you would have been nice. He just said they'd been busy. A month after the birth I spoke to my DIL and she told me the outfits are in a suitcase they haven't unpacked ,so haven't opened them yet.
Baby is 2 months now and to date I've not seen pics of him in any of the lovely outfits I bought and he's actually seen wearing the same clothes frequently. I therefore texted my DIL asking her would she like me to send a couple of all- in ones similar to what he's been wearing, over with my sister in law who will be visiting her son over there next week. The response was that it's very hot weather at the moment - 42 degrees and the baby isn't going out in the heat to wear outfits. She then asked if I could send some sensory toys over with her instead. The next thing, I received a message enclosing a pic of a fancy £100 baby gym asking if I'd like to buy it as a gift instead of sending any toys over .
I feel I've already spent £100 on the gifts that she didn't acknowledge and I didn't see any of the outfits being worn. There's a big difference from me offering clothing/ toy to being asked to buy a £100 baby gym.. I'm in dilemma what to do as she's messaged me again today saying 'no pressure but would I be buying it'. I know Grandparents spoil their grandchildren but you would normally get pleasure from it and I don't feel that this time. They don't want visitors until the time is right for them, which I have respected, so it's probably going to be another 2 months until I see my grandson.
Advice appreciated.
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DIL Requested a £100 Baby Gym
(28 Posts)It all depends on your finances I think. The baby gym is a useful thing and if you can afford it, why not?
After that, don’t offer more gifts other than birthday or Christmas or if you are going there for a visit.
Nobody wants to be thought of as a cash/gift cow that has to keep on giving material things.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
You decided to give her what you wanted to give. It clearly wasn't what she actually wanted or appreciated. Now she's given you the opportunity to give them something she wants. Take it. If you want to be involved in your grandchild's life you'll have to live by their rules.
I agree with Aveline parents are more prescriptive nowadays about what they want for their children. Your son thanked you for the earlier gifts and while I agree it would be good manners to hear a thank you from your daughter in law don't dwell on this.
Enjoy seeing your grandson play with his baby gym.
How about looking on Vinted. Toys are next to nothing.
It seems some families just don't send thank you notes these days.
Its something I've had to get used to with one DIL and I've learned to accept this and to actually ask her if she's received the presents (although I don't find it at all satisfactory at least I don't worry whether or not they've arrived).
My other Dil recently sent me a video clip of my Gson playing with a gift I'd sent and the pleasure that simple gesture made me indescribably happy, I almost sent her a thank you letter thanking her for thanking me! How daft is that?
That doesn't help you much, sorry.
As to the £100 gym - perhaps it might be best, if you can pluck up the courage to be blunt enough, to say frankly that having already given the baby the clothes and toys you haven't the spare funds for the gym - and give her the chance to ask someone else to buy it before the child grows too old.
You won't change your Dil's attitude to thank-you's I'm afraid.
Did she send thank-you's for her wedding presents I wonder?
Depending on where they live overseas, would a baby gym be too cumbersome for your sister to take with her?
Do they have online shopping where they are, if so could you order what your DIL has requested online? If it's too costly, you'll just have to tell them you can't afford it and ask for suggestions for some sensory toys.
Perhaps send vouchers or money for future presents.
What kind of baby gym is it that costs £100?
There are many good makes on the market which are far cheaper than that, including Fisher Price, Baby Einstein etc.
I would just get them the baby gym ....I have 3 GDs with another in the way....I always ask what they want....parents tastes are so different to mine....sorry you've not seen thebaby
In my day I was glad to receive anything when my children were born. Nowadays is very different.
Your DIL, who you say is hard to read, had not asked for the gifts you bought, so they may not be what she wants for her baby.
I nearly put my foot in it when I mentioned buying something for my DD's best friend's baby. I couldn't buy anything I liked the look of, it had to be something from the list. A rather pricey list. That's how some Mums are these days.
If would send out some money, whatever you can comfortably afford, for het to buy the sensory toys she wants and leave it at that. Whether you get a thanks is anyone's guess. Another thing that is rapidly disappearing.
Congratulations on becoming a grandmother. It does take a while to work out how to approach grandmotherhood I found. I always ask what my children would like for their children, so I would suggest buying the gym as you know that is what your daughter-in-law would like for her child. I was asked if I would like to buy a gym for my first grandchild, and I was glad to be able to buy something that would be well-used.
I did buy some baby clothes for another new-born, and was asked if I would mind if they exchanged the clothes for some more to their taste, which I was happy about. Our children's taste is very different to ours, and personally I would rather liaise with the parents so that I know that my gifts will be used.
I do hope that you are able to visit your grandchild soon.
Our only (until recently) grandson is my step-daughter’s son, he’s 11.
Every single gift (and there’s been a lot!), has been acknowledged, when he was little she always sent a video and photos f him wearing to playing with the gifts we bought.
From about age 6 I asked for a list to choose birthday and Christmas pressies and this works really well.
Both our grandson and our daughter/step daughter never fail to both acknowledge and thank us for the gifts.
It’s simply good manners!
I’d be horrified if any of our other children behaved this way!
I think that new parents want to dress their children in things they like, not necessarily to others' tastes. I agree that either she or your son should have thanked you (the baby has two parents), but there's no guarantee that she would use outfits she doesn't like, particularly in a different climate.
They probably got lots of outfits for the baby - people usually do - either passed down from friends and family or bought as presents. As the baby grows you might find it works better to ask what they would like, and it may be easier to do that through your son. Mr Dog and I have always 'dealt with' our respective sides of the family when it comes to presents - both the choosing/buying/ wrapping side of things and the thank yous for things that were joint or for the children. Maybe they are doing the same?
I understand your disappointment at not having them nearby, and as regards the baby gym, I agree that you should buy it if it is within budget, but say no if it isn't. I will say that we were given one when my eldest was a baby, and both children used it more than any other baby toy, so if you do buy one there is a good chance that it will be a favourite, too. If it's out of budget, there's no reason why you should feel pressured into buying one, but maybe check what the new parents would like for Christmas before using your budget on things that may not be suitable?
MT62
How about looking on Vinted. Toys are next to nothing.
I'm not sure that all first-time DIL's appreciate second hand toys, I know that mine was a bit offended when I got one for her new baby the first time around, though she'd be fine with it now.
The simple answer is “Sorry I won’t be purchasing the gym” if you don’t want to. The backstory wasn’t necessary because no one is obligated to buy anyone expensive gifts, regardless of previous purchases, when people say ‘thank you’, or whether or not they ‘get on’.
Cossy
Our only (until recently) grandson is my step-daughter’s son, he’s 11.
Every single gift (and there’s been a lot!), has been acknowledged, when he was little she always sent a video and photos f him wearing to playing with the gifts we bought.
From about age 6 I asked for a list to choose birthday and Christmas pressies and this works really well.
Both our grandson and our daughter/step daughter never fail to both acknowledge and thank us for the gifts.
It’s simply good manners!
I’d be horrified if any of our other children behaved this way!
Yes, our daughter-in-law has always acknowledged and thanked us for gifts and encouraged the children to write a thank you card. As do our daughters, or at least phone or send a message.
We did ask beforehand what would be an appropriate gift for any new arrivals.
It’s sad for you, that they have moved abroad.
I hope you plan a visit soon and have loads of cuddles with your little GS.
As for gifts, it’s best you give them the money to buy whatever they choose for their baby. Mother knows best.
Doodle dog I agree that you should buy it if it is within budget, but say no if it isn't. I will say that we were given one when my eldest was a baby, and both children used it more than any other baby toy, so if you do buy one there is a good chance that it will be a favourite, too. If it's out of budget, there's no reason why you should feel pressured into buying one, but maybe check what the new parents would like for Christmas before using your budget on things that may not be suitable?
This is a great answer.
LOUISA1523
I would just get them the baby gym ....I have 3 GDs with another in the way....I always ask what they want....parents tastes are so different to mine....sorry you've not seen thebaby
She saying she’s already bought them a gift that’s not been acknowledged.
I would say gift voucher one for all, or cash gift.
Where has your DS moved to Roseyposy ?
Many years ago when my DD moved to Australia I would buy online at a local shop, not to waste money.
mokryna
Where has your DS moved to Roseyposy ?
Many years ago when my DD moved to Australia I would buy online at a local shop, not to waste money.
That’s such a great idea x
I think that you could find a new baby gym that isn’t so expensive, I bought them for my GCs and they were good makes but never that costly and that was only 2/3 years ago. Just send her a less costly gym.
She does sound a bit ungrateful and am sorry she hasn’t thanked you for gifts you gave her before. Tbh this isn’t the first post complaining about DiLs, they seem far more numerous than any gran complaining about a SiL. My opinion is that sons are far less likely to challenge their wives over ungrateful or selfish behaviour towards their mothers. Not entirely sure why, but anyway would advise you to perhaps chat with your son about how you feels and get his take on it in case you have misunderstood.
Wishing you all the best with your new GC 💐💐
Do what your heart tells you.
My brother’s wife is an absolute cow and when my Mum knitted a beautiful little newborn top for their son she never put it on him saying that they only want him in designer clothes!
I should add that both the pattern and yarn was Debbie Bliss which is very on trend and lovely yarn. It was also beautifully knitted and every stitch was made with love. Mum was very upset.
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