DIL Requested a £100 Baby Gym

I truly understand all your disappointment and how you feel you ve lost the opportunity to be a hands on Grandma, and it’s broken a little bit of your heart, but that is life I m afraid. It happens and we have to be able to accept it.
We cannot over invest in our children and expect to be a big part of their lives after they become adults and leave our care. It’s there turn now.

One sentence in your original post worries me
I'm the type of person who gets happiness out of giving and am a people pleaser please find someone else to nurture and give to. You have done your job with your son he has chosen his lady, whether you get on with her or not and he’s chosen where to live work and bring up his children They sound as if they have a very rich lifestyle.
For this time give them the gym but in future ask your son what to buy for birthdays etc giving your maximum price
“Joe darling I m going to spend £50 on Steven’s birthday gift what do you suggest?” and he can then discus with his wife and one or other can get back to you .

Set your limits don’t over indulge and don’t take unnecessary offence, life is short and very, very often a disappointment.

Rosy, I can well understand how hurt you must be feeling, an acknowledgement and a thank you is just manners, those that just say, oh they don't think or that's how they are these days, it's their rules are really missing the point and is just endorsing bad behaviour. In future from one who learnt the hard way, if you can't afford the gym just say that but add that in future all gifts you buy for birthday or Christmas you will ask for a list so you can choose what to buy according to your budget as you want to get it right. If they are living abroad the high postage costs on big items is ridiculous. With sons, the wives call the tune usually, if they don't want mil as competition that's it. A lot hardly see Dil.

Also there is no reason why your lazy son can't send you a photo of the baby wearing or with your present. He can find the presents and use them. Why isn't he responsible at all?Ask him to do it and tell him how you feel.

Baby gyms are about £50 looking at the John Lewis website. Frankly, I would give the baby that. It's good for developing intelligence. I remember when my DD had something like that years ago and learnt to turn over at 3 months just to have a good look at it. I hated it when people wasted their money on soft toys which she wasn't interested in at all. And that was 36 years ago!!!

I don't see why we should ask our parents, or in-laws, for specific gifts unless they have actually asked what we want and added 'money no problem'. So this d-i-l thinks saying thank you is beneath her, and does not even put the outfit on for a photo, and then has the cheek to ask for the baby gym.

Don't poke the bear

My daughter (only child) moved to USA and has given us 3 grandchildren. We miss them more than I can say. I would buy the gym and ask for photos. Be as blunt as she has been.

dragonfly46

My soon to be ex, DiL, is exactly the same and for 10 years my DS supported her expensive needs and demands.
He is now realising that nothing he did would make her happy.
She used to ask for expensive presents from us because she sees us as well off. I don't think she has ever bought us anything.

She refuses to work as she calls all the money my DS earns as family money for her to spend as she wishes.
I wish you luck with your DiL as we are now facing further expense extricating him from the situation.

That’s an awful situation, so much self-entitlement. Refuses to work- that’s a lot of pressure for your son as most couples both have to both work today. At least my DIL worked hard to set up her own start up company and deserves the life she has..

We don’t give to receive but a gift at Christmas for you would have acknowledged you, no matter how little it cost. I got laughed at for sending nice Christmas cards and that no one sends them anymore. I think many of todays generation lack emotional intelligence - schools are considering teaching it, which says a lot.

I wish your son luck for the future. Do they have children?

Jodieb

How come they don't want visitors yet but your SIL is going?

Sister in law is going to visit her son for his Birthday, who also lives in Dubai

My soon to be ex, DiL, is exactly the same and for 10 years my DS supported her expensive needs and demands.
He is now realising that nothing he did would make her happy.
She used to ask for expensive presents from us because she sees us as well off. I don't think she has ever bought us anything.

She refuses to work as she calls all the money my DS earns as family money for her to spend as she wishes.
I wish you luck with your DiL as we are now facing further expense extricating him from the situation.

How come they don't want visitors yet but your SIL is going?

Realistically I think you need to think about what you want from giving gifts and how far you are prepared to distance yourself if you don’t get the response you are looking for.

If the sacrifice that might mean is something you are willing to give, then keep on the road you are on. If not, look at how you can mellow a little?

Don't expect anything in life but I believe in good manners. However not everyone 'sings from the same page' in life- A Lesson learnt. I may request gifts for myself now Lol

I think I’d send some money and say “
Please use this to buy some sensory toys for……,,,,. When you’ve got time I’d love a photo of him playing with them”.
Do as others have suggested and ask for a list of a few things he’d like for Xmas or birthday and go from there. No point in wasting money on things they don’t like or want. Hope you get to see him soon.

Margs

Ungratefulness must be her default position.

Don't give anything if you are expecting something back.

Ungratefulness must be her default position.

Nannan2

Maybe you could ask her to send back the unused and obviously unworn outfits/toys you gave them so you can return those & then send money for baby gym then instead??& i would ask her why it has to be THAT particular baby gym as well?maybe she could supply pics of it etc etc? If you could get one for less that does same things i would suggest the alternative? I think shes having you for a mug tbh and thinking, "oh his nan is going to pay for the very expensive item i want to get,no problem"- if its so great why hasnt she& your son bought it themselves by now instead? Its what parents do, mostly.If she says its too dear,say yes, well it is for me as well,but you'll gladly return all the other stuff you got if she returns them to you and then you can give that money instead.(is the gym a christening gift?parents dont usually ASK for particular gifts,especially very expensive items unless its a special occasion maybe?(you know similar to a wedding gift list?) You could tell her that,maybe she thinks thats what new parents do,like newly weds?But not usually,in real world- folk just buy a new baby or even christening gift that THEY choose,& want to buy.

Obviously too late to return the items as they were given 4 months ago ahead of the July birth. However, I work in a Food bank and see how young family's are struggling today and would like to pass them on at some stage if that's agreeable with my DIL.
Re the baby gym type, it was just her preference for the brand of the gym that she suggested as a gift from me. Maybe I'll suggest something expensive for her Christmas gift to me Lol.

Hithere

Op

I understand you cannot afford £100, so it is more than your right to establish your boundaries about your finances.
I am 100% on your side there.

You clearly resent yout son and dil are well off

Dubai's lifestyle of having househelp is very common, the norm there
It is a culture shock for us.

What your dil does in Dubai is none of your business, it is clearly you do not like her but you cannot use it against her
If your son has an issue with her activities, he will address it with her.

Suggestions for presents being questioned is a dangerous path

It is a power struggle control with the parents of the grandchild - THEY set up the rules, whether you like it or not

Enough questioning of those rules will get you in a bad spot with them and get you shut out

Your son, the son YOU raised, fell in love and married a woman you have to stop competing and negotiating clauses with.

I don't resent my son & DIL for being well off at all. What sort of mother wouldn't want their child to do well for themselves and be proud ! You are missing the point - I was just putting into context in response to another post, that my DIL is not rushing around frazzled with a new born as someone else suggested. I'm well aware of the norm of standard of living in Dubai and. We lived in Singapore many years ago so I have experienced similar, to a degree. There is no competing fgs! You cannot go through life demanding and not giving and need some self-awareness. As for rules the baby is just 2 months old but obviously Grandparents should respect parents rules when they come into play. Rules are currently not an issue unless you mean their rule is everything they buy has to be top of the range lol.

I don't think it's a power-struggle. WE had our turn already.

Going back to expensive gifts
I have recently asked for a birthday gift list for a grandson. It has a specific football kit on it which is a lot of money!
We did buy a football kit once a couple of years ago when we had more income.

I have said "happy to go halves on the kit" or will buy the football he wants.

No problem.
I don't think there is any shame in not having lots of spare cash.
Just say "I can't afford that, unfortunately", if the gifts are too much.
That's what I do.
My family understands - yours will do too.

Op

I understand you cannot afford £100, so it is more than your right to establish your boundaries about your finances.
I am 100% on your side there.

You clearly resent yout son and dil are well off

Dubai's lifestyle of having househelp is very common, the norm there
It is a culture shock for us.

What your dil does in Dubai is none of your business, it is clearly you do not like her but you cannot use it against her
If your son has an issue with her activities, he will address it with her.

Suggestions for presents being questioned is a dangerous path

It is a power struggle control with the parents of the grandchild - THEY set up the rules, whether you like it or not

Enough questioning of those rules will get you in a bad spot with them and get you shut out

Your son, the son YOU raised, fell in love and married a woman you have to stop competing and negotiating clauses with.

I am sorry you feel like this but maybe you can slowly build connections.

Look for the very best in her and I think you will find more to love.
This, after all, is the woman your son has chosen to make his future with.
You love your son. You have that (at least) in common.
Keeping 🤞 for you.

I totally understand how you’re feeling and not to receive any acknowledgment for your gifts from your DIL is just plain bad manners and for her to put in her request for a £100 baby gym, I feel is bad manners and unappreciative. If you feel taken for granted and would prefer not to buy this gym, then you are perfectly at liberty not to., especially as you’ve spent a similar amount already. .

Basgetti

Shouldn’t your title read your son and Dil requested a £100 baby gym?

No - my son would never dream of asking me for anything. He’s aware of my budget.

Nannan2

Well OP never said a 'written' thank you- just a word of mouth or text one would be good enough,but the D-in-L obviously hasnt been brought up with same manners as the op's son.🤔She sounds entitled tbh if she asks for certain expensive items, seeing as shes already received some lovely gifts for their baby, and i suspect a lot of the mumsnet younger mums on here are the ones saying "just buy the gift"? Wouldnt that £100 best be put towards an air-fare to go SEE the grandchild soon instead? No i dont think she should just hand over the money,but say no to the daughter in law,as shes saving for a ticket to go see them instead.Then D-in-L can cross her off for gift and ask another mug instead.or buy herself, if she wants it so much.

Indeed - just a text acknowledgement and to share in the pregnancy a bit with her a few months before the move and the birth. Plus a £100 is a lot to me. They had been busy going to several weddings abroad during her pregnancy and I never saw her throughout it or had any communication. I actually thought the gift parcel had maybe got lost until I asked my son a month later. Yes, I guess young mums would just say buy the gym, hence posting under’ask a gran’. and yes DIL is self entitled and they are well off. Good job I didn’t offer to buy the pram - they bought a £950 one!

knspol

I think it might be a bit much to ask sis in law to carry or pack a probably quite bulky parcel and if in a suitcase it may even be damaged on arrival.
To maintain the peace and only if you can afford it, I would point this out to your dil and just send her the money instead.

Sorry , I didn’t explain very well… The request for me to buy the gym was from their local Mama & Papa’s online store in Dubai. I was only intending to send my sis in law with small lightweight purchases not a gym as that wouldn’t be feasible.
I am just on a state pension and have a little part-time job and was saving to go and visit them in Dubai in a few months time, but to save face I have ordered the gym my DIL wanted. My son sent me a photo today of the baby with it. I probably wouldn’t have hesitated if DIL was appreciative. Previously, I had given her a designer romper outfit that my son wore as a baby and she had told me she prefered those type of French traditional clothes for a baby, hence following up with similar clothes. I didn’t see her for most of her pregnancy and it was just my way of getting involved, with the gifts. I know better now not to expect any reaction, in the future.