Long conversations with daughter

I would definitely just listen to her. Let her rant and get it all off her chest. You should be happy she wants to confide in you. 🌻

My mother never wanted to know when i had problems and I envied others that did. I am always ready to listen to my daughter.

I agree with what the majority of posters have already said by way of letting your daughter rant, and being grateful that she feels able to trust you enough to do so.
It's unlikely that you will change her - only she can do that for herself, should she so choose.
I love the suggestion upthread about being somewhere yourself with a nice view or in comfortable surroundings to soothe yourself while she's sounding off...it really does help!

Question to JoJo. What do you mean "maybe a jealous father - they all are. They all are what ?
Are you having a go at men, like so many on this forum seem to do.

My first thought on reading this was to agree with the "just listen" approach as this is what I do if one of my girls calls up unhappy - put in my airpods and get on with knitting/ironing/whatever while listening to her offload. That's what mothers are for. It's what my mother did. There is no need to offer solutions, just to listen. We are the most valuable witnesses to our children's lives.
But on the other hand - there is the effect on the OP herself, and it's not good. It reminds me of my late sister in law who used to call her 80+ mother and rant down the phone, often quite abusively, even after she knew her widowed mother had mild dementia and was emotionally very fragile. One of my MIL's carers once overheard one of these rants and actually stepped into the room to stop the conversation - she told us later it was a clear case of elder abuse. I looked up elder abuse and yes, what my SIL used to do definitely came into that category.

Contraryme

Thank you all for the advice. I don't think that you understand quite how difficult this situation is for me. Thank you for Plevey08 I think that you may have understood the situation. I don't believe that an elderly mother has to take constant long conversations and unpleasantness from a daughter who is nearly 40. Yes my daughter has a partner and friends but she seem to think that she can off load on me because it's my duty. But also of course I will always love her, and forgive her.

I think a lot of us can understand how difficult it is for you so your update seems a little churlish. We have been there and found that the way forward if we want to keep a relationship going with our adult children is to take it on the chin. I have learned to withhold advice or ask if she wants it or if she just wants to offload. I don't go round in circles if she wants advice but manages to naysay all the things I offer. I just say I'll have to give it some thought and get back to her.
I do have some escape routes. I might say I need the toilet and I'm sure she won't want to listen to that. I press the door bell sometimes in desperation and have to answer it. Sometimes, I fade in and out of the phone call before cutting it off. I can then set my phone to not answer. I only do these things when I can hear that I am going to get the flak because I work hard to keep communications as balanced as I can although sometimes I have had to say that I am not feeling my best so I will need to speak to her later when I feel calmer. My daughter has BPD so I know how easily conversations can deteriorate and I know how exhausting it can be. I have wished for a different daughter in the past but she has some lovely ways too and I now just wish I could understand her better.

Get in forst with a rant of your own. "Really sorry but I'm not feeling too good at the moment - then tell her everything that's bothering you!

I absolutely agree with some advice here. You are lucky that your daughter uses you as a confidante/ sounding board to let off steam. Get a glass of wine, listen, and she'll feel much better afterwards. Try not to take it on board too much. She's lucky to have you.

Once in a while, we all need to vent. It sounds like you are the person she feels safe venting to. She likely sees you as non-judgemental. Like the others said, find somewhere comfy to sit, maybe have a puzzle or something to do and just say give her short affirmations that you are listening to. She’s likely not calling to have her problems solved, she’s just looking for someone to listen. A simple, phrase expressing your understanding (“that sounds difficult”) is all she wants and needs. I’m sure it’s exhausting, but it’s wonderful that you are the person she feels safe venting to.

(After listening empathetically for 15-20 minutes) ‘I’m sorry all this has happened/you’re upset but I need to start the dinner/ I need to put the washing out/ the neighbour is coming for a cup of tea, I’ll ring you tomorrow.’
Try to stop the flow of moaning with open questions eg ‘why do you think your boss said that?’ to encourage her to reflect rather than just rant.

I'm 60 and still wish i had my Dad around to ring and rant or walk and rant. It was never my Mum for me. My mum is still here but i don't offload to her.
My Daughter and I are very close and she will ring to offload or sometimes just chat on loudspeaker as she drives, she says it's calming to just hear me. ❤️

Agree !

Cossy

My advice, listen and have a glass or cup of something nearby, let her rant and rave for as long as she wants and make the appropriate mmm and aaaah.

There’s some on here who’ve been estranged by their daughters, make the most of yours and “put up” with her foibles.

I wouldn’t personally write her a letter, letters are too easily misconstrued.

I would gently speak with her face to face, if you really feel you must, I wouldn’t

Absolutely agree. I have a daughter and I understand- but this is good advice 🌸

Maybe a jealous father. They all are!

I wish my daughter did! Cherish the fact she feels she can tell you.

I think I used to do this when I was at home with three small children, my mum was always sympathetic and looking back very good with me. Things happen and mum is needed, I do the same occasionally for my own AC. It’s part of family life, if a difficult one. My calls to mum became less frequent when my father told me to stop it as mum was upset. Heaven knows what a modern psychiatrist would make of that!!

I know someone like this. It always reverts to her childhood trauma. She can take up to an hour each time. I used to try and offer helpful advice but found that I was wasting my time and she would contradict me. I now just ask questions like: How is your dog? How is work? and she seems quite happy with that. I never speak about myself or what I think.

Of course you should be supporting her as you obviously do have a listening ear, the fact that she always blames everyone else and repeats the same scenario over n over makes me think she has problem with coping, and maybe dosent take accountability for the things she does .

Romola
My DD has been like yours at times, but things have calmed down now.

If you dont mind me asking, what has changed that she is now calmer?
Her situation? Or her attitude?

CarrotTop

Exactly what Cossy said.
Normally I'd say distance yourself a bit and don't always be available. But, in this case, I feel that your role is to sit quietly, making all the appropriate noises, and wait for her to have a bit of a rant. Also, remind yourself that you're lucky to have a daughter who still turns to you when she's down. Many mothers don't enjoy that status with their children - which can create an even more painful situation.
Have patience and love her that little bit more when she needs it.

Totally agree with this.

Although it has eased up recently, DD always rings me up when ever something goes wrong in her life from incompetent workmen to work.

Like others my response is sit at my computer reading GN or similar while making soothing noises, but after a while, I start to gradually change the subject until we are talking about something else that gives her pleasure and joy.

Btw, looking at things from a slightly different angle, you’ve stated very clearly that when your daughter is very bothered about something, she feels compelled to go over and over the same thing again and again, when when she’s not bothered about anything she’s delightful caring and loving.

To me, and I don’t know either of you, it sounds very much like your daughter cannot cope very well when things go awry and is needing you, because you’re “mum”

Do as you wish, but please remember, however old you are, however grown up she is, you’re still Mum and she’s still your “child”.

If you genuinely cannot deal with it, as a couple of others have suggested, don’t answer the phone for a couple of days or message her with a “sorry right in the middle of something, can I call you tomorrow”?

Your daughter, your health, your call.

One of my daughters makes me feel nervous ,anxious and depressed .
She never stops criticising other people .
She's so vicious at times .

And she turns her venom on me .
It has got worse and worse over the last 20 years .
I don't know how her husband tolerates it .
I'm not sure that she has any friends left .

I'm lost for words .

I'm actually terrified of her moods and tempers.
So I have distanced myself.

I don't have any other advice for you .

I'm only sorry that you have to put up with it .
Maybe they need counselling.
Wishing you luck with this unfortunate problem .

Thank you all for the advice. I don't think that you understand quite how difficult this situation is for me. Thank you for Plevey08 I think that you may have understood the situation. I don't believe that an elderly mother has to take constant long conversations and unpleasantness from a daughter who is nearly 40. Yes my daughter has a partner and friends but she seem to think that she can off load on me because it's my duty. But also of course I will always love her, and forgive her.