Stressed since husband retired

Sorry Esmay, I’ll get it right soon.

Warmglovesandsocks -my friend told a group of us over wine .
We laughed.
The chart has to be signed off .
He said that initials would do .
It's colour coded .
He spent a weekend making it .
We asked if she gets gold stars for being a good girl !

Oh Esmay, I’m still laughing. As I say it’s done me the world of good after worry and illness. Couldn’t remember the last time I had such a good laugh!

The only problem with doing nothing all day is that you need to keep fit ( eg walking, gardening, housework) and also dementia may be a concern- keep the brain semi active!
My OH doesnt have friends now but has so many hobbies! Baking, gardening, DIY, running, cycling. We go out for lunch several times a week and shopping, or off in the car to visit other places. Lots of holidays as well( in the uk and abroad)

You say DH struggles socially and you are and have been aware of this before now. You can't just flick a switch and change a person. Is he happy with watching TV? If not, what about a Men's Shed, he doesnt need to be competent at wgat hoes on tgere, he can learn or even introduce something he feels would be of interest to others. Perhaps there's a bit of you need to change too given the change in both your lives.

A therapist friend explained what happens when retirement hits a married couple.
So the woman has been at home mostly bringing up the family and running the martial home for best part of 25 years. The man however has spent 40 years of his life out of the martial home in the work place.
So then, when he retires he wants to spend all his time in his home, the woman however wants the opposite and wants to go out and about as she’s been at home for years.
Apparently it’s common and the reason why the divorce rate has soared in the grey brigade as they call it, due to not seeing eye to eye how a couple wishes to spend their retirement.

Got a grip of myself this morning. Phoned a ex work colleague to meet for coffee. We met for coffee and cake. Had a long chat and decided to book a holiday. We are off to Benidorm in November. I already feel better about myself.

I think we can fall into the trap of trying too hard to ensure our other halves do things. Just do your own stuff as I do but I keep Fridays and weekends blank so we can do stuff together. He has to cook or provide food on Wednesdays. He has the allotment and I cook, freeze the produce. We go on holiday together but he doesn’t like the theatre or cinema due to hearing loss and lack of interest . Consequently I go with friends to these events. Let him find his own level but keep your interests, hobbies, friendships alive. They are very important.

My husband also has no close friends, his three best friends having died over the years. He's not at all bothered about being sociable, so I go on my own if I get the chance. I don't resent him being like this, it's who he is, and we do get on very well when we're in together.

Cossy
Work schedules for domestic chores.
I once went round and he said that my visit would interrupt the order of domesticity.
His words .

Can't imagine my husband making charts for me to sign or criticising me and following me around the house. I would put him in his place pdq and tell him to do the dusting or whatever himself. The chart would be ripped in 2 pieces and I'd tell him to get a cleaner and pay them to sign the chart. This person needs to stand up for themselves and not allow him to bully her. Coercive control comes to mind.
We get along really well - nearly 50 yrs now married. Since retirement I sort all the paperwork, bills etc, do almost all the cleaning (my choice) buy all household things sheets, kettle, fryer etc. He does the garden, almost all cooking and grocery shopping. We have a joint account for bills and our own personal/savings account.
OH loves going bowling and various U3A activities. I'm more stay at home, probably as I worked away from home often abroad for years. It's what works for us.

I realise some couples can find it stressful after coping on your own while your husband works away. I am a bit concerned this may happen with my son and his wife as he too has to work away from home being a geologist.
However, believe me it can be worse living alone not having anyone to talk too especially in the evening and when one goes on holiday.
So try and think of the positive side of having your husband still with you

Sazz1
I too would put him in his place: under the patio. 😡

Esmay

One of my friends thought that her life would be lovely when her husband took early retirement.
He used to enjoy gardening and cooking .
They were quite happy together .
Since he's retired he has become unbearable .
He follows her everywhere and criticises her non stop .
He's made charts which have to be signed!
It's obviously displacement activity .
He doesn't have enough to do and he's bored.
But she is now finding any excuse to go out
as far away from him as possible.
He reminds me of Richard Briers in Ever Decreasing Circles .
It's funny ,but it's sad .

There was a little old lady I frequently saw in the local supermarket. She would be rummaging through the freezers or getting stuff from the shelves and loading the trolley. Standing by the side of the trolley was her husband, holding a clipboard, yes, holding a clipboard . He stood motionless... except for ticking off the items from the list on the clipboard. I guess he had been a Very Important Person in his working life! I used to feel so sorry for her... I can imagine he was another who produced charts!

Madeleine45 What a huge response! I really enjoyed reading it and you gave some excellent advice! I got divorced 30 years ago so I didn't have to worry about my husband retiring, but I must admit I am lonely. I've been living on my own for most of that time, but I do like being able to do what I want when I want. X

Retirement is an interesting time for change and we rarely talk about it beforehand. We imagine what it is going to be like, but it might not live up to expectations and it can be a bit of a shock for some people. I think a healthy relationship survives anyway, but there is a big period of adjustment. The lack of structure in your day might upset your equilibrium.....not telling people what to do or being asked for your advice. Getting bored because there isn't enough to do. I find that curiosity and change are wonderful in retirement. If you have your health and a bit of pocket money then go forth and enjoy I say! Keep on opening those doors that you did in your youth.....and throw three sheets to the wind. Whey hey......

Madeleine45 I wish I had read your post when I was about to retire.
Such good advice for a couple at the start of retirement.

I think it is so easy to slip into thinking a situation is inevitable without realising that you can make a change with planning and a touch of good humour and determination.

I suppose if its not welcomed by the other half then you have to plough on on your own and build your own retirement. Some companies I have read in the past do advise their employees about retirement plans. Has anyone done that?

Wow - these threads make so so glad I divorced early and never remarried. My choice has been to manage alone rather than having a man sized toddler under my feet, Yes men come in useful for moving furniture and heavy jobs but I have a handyman I can call for that. The good thing is that he does the job and goes.

friendlygingercat

Wow - these threads make so so glad I divorced early and never remarried. My choice has been to manage alone rather than having a man sized toddler under my feet, Yes men come in useful for moving furniture and heavy jobs but I have a handyman I can call for that. The good thing is that he does the job and goes.

What a delight you are.

Many of us are fortunate enough to be in long standing relationships and also have some struggles with the changes retirement brings.

In many ways your husband sounds rather like mine. I can certainly relate to the television being on all day, while he watched what I considered junk.

A man whose friends were mainly those you originally knew is not going to change now. Presumably, he has far less need of social relationships than you have. But that need not stop you from trying to find new friends and acquaintances.

You might be able to able to get him to turn of the TV and get up off the sofa if you are able to suggest some joint activities that you know he will enjoy. Or if you join in some of the things he likes doing.

Does he garden, do repairs round the house? If so, join in, even if you find these things rather boring.

Point out, nicely, that you had rather hoped retirement would mean that you and he could do some things together, but that you do realise that you both need some time apart from each other as well.

He has retired -have you? You could try pointing out that a fair division of household tasks would be desirable from your point of view.

After all, if you are doing all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, washing etc. etc. there will be little time for joint activities, and certainly no feeling of retirement for you.

Ask him what he had vizualised doing in his retirement.
He may well never have thought of it, at all, but sitting on his BTM all day is to be blunt likely to shorten his life expectancy. We all need interests other than the TV, for instance, exercise and some form of interaction with family.

If he is finding the transition to retirement difficult, which is often the case, and especially if he has never thought of stopping work as something that would give him time to do other, interesting things, you need to try to get him to think of what he would like to do.

Hopefully, he won't want you to join him in a pastime that you cannot vizualise enjoying. My husband shattered me by wanting to by a motor boat and sail the canals and rivers of Northern Europe. Well, we gave it a try - and I actually enjoyed it.

Gettting men to tell us what they would really like to do, is hard, we all know that, but see if you could get anywhere with it.

Looking back, I regret that I did not insist on our getting a dog when we moved back on to dry land. Had I done so, my DH would have gone out for more walks and walking a dog does tend to mean you talk to other dog owners - people whom you would otherwise never had said more than good morning to, but who often become quite good friends.

I don’t think it would work for everyone but my late DH and I adopted 2 disabled children post retirement, we were far too busy to squabble.

What an interesting thread. People vary so much.
Two couples I'm close to, both had boats but being 80+, have now sold them. It was a wrench for both men.
One husband seems not to do anything much at all apart from their finances and watching sport on TV. His wife has always done everything else and still does.
The other has joined a choir and has a serious interest in astronomy. He leads a scientific U3A group. His wife says he now does a lot of their housework.
Truffle, are you a volunteer? Could your H be persuaded to get involved as well?

A small comfort to know I am not the only one.