60 years married

We've been married for nearly 58 years, DH is 81 soon, I will be 81 next year. Up until this winter life has been good, we can still get around in the car, manage the house and garden but DH has had a bad few weeks with what was probably the flu with an awful cough as well. It seems to have suddenly aged him and he seems quite fragile. It's frightened me a little and I feel quite vulnerable all of a sudden, and afraid that our life is changing. But it's inevitable isn't it? I'm just so thankful for all the years together with wonderful memories and I'm determined to be strong and face whatever comes along as we get older.

Also just to add to the difficulties my DH is deaf and although he had hearing aid he won’t wear it, he finds it picks up a lot of background noise and if it’s windy out. He can’t hear me at all , That along with his other problems is wearing me out , I can go in another room with a tv when I need some solitude , but I don’t want to seem like I have abandoned him , it’s just for a few hours when there is something I want to watch on tv and he doesn’t,
Thankyou for all your comments. It’s good to talk so they say.

Is it too late to teach an old dog new tricks?

No, of course not! Can you suddenly find you don't feel like cooking a couple of days a week? You could sit with a drink (of your preference) and give him step-by-step instructions on how to make a couple of meals and then let him take over sometimes.

Ironing? I just can't do it properly (apparently) so DH took over that task years ago. I load the dishwasher, he unloads it. And he's the bin man.
Teamwork. It works mostly, it just takes patience.
Ps Don't get irritated if he gets in the way.

BlueBelle

I too can’t imagine what housework can possibly take all day mine takes about less than an hour 🤣Make a bed, wash up , prepare some food double that as there’s two of you (and one of me) and add maybe a weekly hoover and a bit of cleaning.
Batch cook and freeze

Me neither! As long as it looks presentable and the loos etc are clean.
Those spray mops are great for hard floors. Forget the buckets and squeezey mops.

I think practically, get a cleaner, and ask him to do specific tasks like Bluebelle suggested. It's too late to change things fundamentally.
I've had a cleaner for some time, it allows me to carry on doing other things I want to do, and I'm not very fussy. I hardly cook at all, eat a lot of raw food and a lot in the microwave. As time goes on perhaps look out for ready meal that suit your diet?

here's a place to start - a firm that specialises in your needs.

www.fielddoctor.co.uk/landing/range-bundle/low-cholesterol?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=GV+%7C+PMAX+%7C+Bundles&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=21678154200&gbraid=0AAAAACUGgSPhHMU8bY_J8XuYUXlOx1gNg&gclid=Cj0KCQiAi9rJBhCYARIsALyPDts8AGrB3N3YM7z4cc3WZwGf0L2hBynCE3ult3saylLWGBg8lTgzO00aAp14EALw_wcB

There's nothing wrong with frozen vegetables, either.
I/We usually prepare fresh veg (he peels) but if needs must, I'd use frozen.

I remember a lady we knew who was still entertaining guests for dinner in her 80s and she said the secret was the KISS method.
Keep It Simple, Stupid 😁

BlueBelle

crazyH

Oh the joys of being divorced !!!

I so agree the more posts I read the more I enjoy being on my own Charliegirl 🤣🤣🤣
Re the repetition of questions why not have a chart with dates of happenings on the wall and teach him to look at that instead of asking you might help might not but worth a try You could be creative and do all doctors appointments in red all hospital in green or something like that

The problem with forgetfulness, especially when it is the precursor of dementia is that the person concerned will forget to look at the chart. Unfrtunately the very nature of the forgetfulness that develops in old age is that people cannot be taught. Their physical capapcity to remember is being eroded.

I looked after 2 elderly relatives for some months and to begin with my uncle, ex military, and with his family's,
well known adminstrative skills, worked really well with the one day at a time timetable I left him, but he soon began to lose it, or forget what was happening as soon as he looked up from the timetable. With my aunt, she had forgotten all about any timetable as soon as she put the piece of paper down.

Mushroom wellington?! Hahaha

If my mental arithmetic is correct you married in 1965 - a time when few boys had been asked to do any kind of housekeeping tasks.

I do not know if you ever asked your husband to do part of what you both were brought up to regard as women's work, or whether the need for him to help with it has crept up on you since retirement.

My point is, you cannot expect him to see the dust, floors that need to be vacummed or washed, or to know how to clean an oven or put on the washing-machine, never mind sort the dirty washing, so red socks are not washed with white bedlinnen, unless you have taught him how to do any of all this.

So sit him down and explain that the daily round of what has always been your work is getting too much for you, and work out together what he either helps with or takes over entirely.

I have been married for 50+ years.
I have constantly tried to get my other half to help around the house. Sadly still trying to teach him he is not a fast learner!!
He might have done better if he tried harder in the beginning not waited until I got cancer and needed a lot of help!! Sorry for your struggle. It might be too late for him and you. Get a cleaner if you can afford one.
Sadly too many men are like it. I taught my children as they were growing up. Rest up.

After 60 years of doing things this way you are definitely going to have a struggle to get him to change his ways!

eazybee

If you were on your own you would have to do everything.

But the point is that she's NOT on her own and she's STILL having to do everything! She's his wife, not his household appliance!

Doesn’t everyone make things seem so simple. What if he won’t help? How are you going to make him - just sit him down and insist? If he is one of those men then you need to find a different solution for your own state of mind. Get someone in to help if you can afford it or are happy to. Otherwise buy some ready meals such as Cooks, stop ironing ( just smooth every thing by hand), change the bedding less often, and try to turn a blind eye to dust etc. The problem is being trained at an early age to feel guilty. Don’t. My dh still works from home using his computer and does absolutely nothing to help unless it’s traditional male tasks. He does, however, have a heart condition which makes it more difficult to have a go at him plus he would probably just refuse and I would get angry. When that happens you need to vent.

We been married 60yrs as well.as my knees legs been bad my dh vacuum cooks tea and do all bending down jobs I can't. And he 7yrs older then me .guess I a lucky one ..

Get a cleaner for 2 or 3 hours per week or even once a fortnight. She/he will deep clean kitchen and bathroom and rotate other jobs. I couldn't do any cleaning when I had a frozen shoulder, so I got a cleaner. My DH wasn't interested in cleaning unfortunately. My shoulder is better but Ive kept the cleaner as I figure at our ages we aren't going to get any fitter.

Riversidegirl, at least you were a little diplomatic with your comments. A recent Gransnetter posted something last week, describing her extremely long time husband as being more or less a waste of space, but it appears she was not prepared to move on or turn the whole family against him. My advice would be to have a chat with your husband and ask him to do some of the domestic chores in the house. In return, I am sure you would be more than happy to do some of the DIY jobs, as well as the computer stuff etc. I see you have already chosen to do the cooking, so he does not get a say in this matter.

Hmmm. Harking back to the 80's I was always incensed that my partner did nothing round the house. Eventually i went on strike. Cooked for daughter and self. Did our washing and left his. Did NO housework at all, (amazing that after the first month you dont notice the dirt). Washed up dishes to cook and eat out of then left them dirty....just like he did. Well...my friends...he didnt notice. But 1 day our gas boiler caused a fire in the bathroom and i came back to find him very red faced with a load of firemen in the place. He took me to one side and hissed...'Just look at the state you left the flat in!' 40 years on...he does a fair share...though not half. Needless to say I gave him very short shrift on that day. So...if you can stand it for a few weeks just stop! I remember my Mum sayibg after she had some sort of stroke and stopped running around after every one...'I've done my bit'. Perhaps you have too.

Been married 47 yrs, since he retired 7 yrs ago, I changed the way we lived, diversion of jobs, I'm not doing it all when he's sits and watches rubbish on tv/ iPad, phone.
If he doesn't like it, it dont get done, no jobs done, i dont cook, if he acts like a child, I'll treat him like one, got our own bedroom/bathroom, own social life, have 4 holiday together, which i can cope with, I THINK ITS CALLED A SILENT DEVORCE, its quite common these days, I'm not looseing my home...WHY SHOULD I.

I did persuade my DD to do his share of housework but one day he said he didn’t want to do it anymore, and I certainly wasn’t going to do it all so we got a cleaner who is brilliant. Yes, it’s an expense but I’d rather go without other things than lose her. He never ever cooks, but does all the prep, chopping and peeling which is a job I don’t like, and he clears everything away. He also looks after our small garden which he enjoys, takes the bins out, hangs out the laundry but never irons, and handles all household bills. If I’m lucky he will make me a cup of tea. So I feel it’s a fair division of labour. If I was you Riversidegirl I would feel very resentful!

Why are doing so much housework? Can you afford a cleaner a couple of hours a week? You should only do what you enjoy doing now, life is short. My husband has started to be a great cook and help since we both finished work and he is enjoying learning new things. I only cook half the week now as he takes over and I am not complaining! Too many books to read and walks to take. Marriage should be a shared thing. This should be a good time of life for you but only you can change things.

A Divorce.
After sixty years marriage you deserve a medal.

Seriously there seems to l be lots of sound advice from OP's about getting hil to help you. Take it.

Best Wishes
X

TBH I think for your ages you are doing brilliant, do you want to take on the DIY and computer stuff as well, I very much doubt it. The occasional meal out wont harm your cholesterol if that's what you want. My DH is disabled due to a stroke and I carry the main burden day to day. I clean the kitchen and bathroom daily and run the Hoover over once a week , I prepare lunch ( snack) and cook tea , as long as your home is tidy I would not worry too much. I get people in to do the bigger DIY jobs as I dont feel able/ capable or have the will to tackle them. I also food shop online , with a small top shop in store .

We have been married 57 years and there are things DH is good at and things I am good at - so never an argument about “jobs”. Our philosophy on life is to enjoy ourselves whilst we still can, so chores are way down on the “to do” list. If the sun is shining, go out and enjoy a walk to a coffee shop if the weather is bad get a few chores done - then go out for a coffee 🤣🤣

I wonder why you restrict yourself to not eating out. Nowadays, nutritional information on menus is obligatory and many food options can be assessed just with common sense. Is it something else:cost? guilt?habit?

50 years married here, I do the cooking and the laundry, he does the cleaning - after a fashion! To be honest I'd like to have a regular cleaner, as I did when I was working but he's very much against that. He also does all the filing and paperwork, whilst I do the computer side of things.
It seems a reasonable division of labour to me.