60 years married

DD is as good at DIY as her Dad. DS and I share an equal ineptitude.

I read that women now do more DIY and are better at it than men. I also read that, statistically, women still do most of the household chores, food shopping, cooking and child care. Apparently the majority of women with partners go out to work.

It is beginning to make me wonder if some men are working towards a situation where they do absolutely nothing.

Having said that, I am sure there are thousands of brilliant men out there who do more than their fair share.

We were married 64 yrs before my husband passed away.
I can't think why your spending all day cleaning?
We did share most jobs but I'd often say can you to A while I do B..I cooked most meals but he always washed up. Never owned nor wanted a dishwasher.
The only cooking he did was boiled eggs and 'soldiers' when we'd been to the farm for fresh eggs or beans on toast.. he was happy as was I..we joked about it.
Cut down on your daily chores. Half of them can't be nessesary.

We have been married 56 years and in that time there have been many changes. I did everything for home ,family and my work as DH had the sort of work that required blood sweat and tears in those days. When he retired he took over finances but was never interested in domesticity. Now I’m in trouble with disintegrating bones and he is on a steep learning curve as he is also losing his sight. I can drive but life is miserable for him as he’s always been a petrolhead. I always thank him for whatever he has done,whether it’s bringing in the milk bottles or hanging up his shirts. It doesn’t hurt anyone to say thank you. If someone one on here expresses frustration at their marriage there is always someone who pops up with a “ so glad I’m on my own” remark which I feel is unhelpful and in a way unpleasantly gloating over someone who is unhappy. I wish they wouldn’t.
Too many someones .

Sparkynan, I have the same dilemma. I am a coward and so scared of being unable to cope on my own. But how I would love to have my own little flat, not be answerable to my disapproving husband. Never been especially happy, even after 3 wonderful children. He just doesn't want to do anything. I am lucky I have a wonderful sister who I can go out with anytime, and a friend who is a neighbour, who I go to N.T. places with. But I do not know if I can sustain this relationship, I am now 70, he could go on for another 20 years...

I get frustrated with my DH. So now I do less housework and more hobbies. You won’t live forever my mam used to say so why not do what you want to do now. Leave the dusting for another day.

We have always had a division of labour that runs on traditional lines, but this is for two main reasons. DH's work meant he was often away from home, often at short notice and he went away not knowing when he would return. I therefore took on the running of the family business, whether buying and selling houses, finance, accounts or ironing and also making my contribution to the family income in kind, if not in cash.

The other reasson I have always run the domestic side of the family business, is that DH is someone who, when he was home always had a screw driver in his hand doing something to improve the house. This was something that fitted in very well with his peripatetic work. Over the years he has installed kitchens, done loft extensions, rewired houses and so on and so on.

Now I am your original clumsy child cackhanded and useless at anything to do with DIY, beyond splashing paint about. Therefore this division of labour has always worked very well for us, each of us playing to our strengths.

Over 60 years for us we have one day a week when the morning is spent cleaning the house . DH does the floors including washing the bathrooms and I do the rest. I cook he does the clearing up and is dishwasher expert . He does like to make it last 2 days if he can I would just bung it on every day . I would hate a cleaner in my house . Had one when back was bad and we could not get her to go home . We would come in really wanting some lunch and she would be just starting on the kitchen floor.

Carenza123

I do everything around the house, insurance, shopping, car maintenance etc. my husband has been spoilt as a child and had a doting sister. I really wish I had a partner I could share things with but these last few years he has had memory issues and his behaviour has changed. He had a TIA last year which hasn’t’t helped. Been to memory clinic etc but nothing diagnosed. I am a carer now and it’s difficult to have proper conversations now as his concentration is going. Also he can’t really go out socially anymore. He dribbles, can’t walk without a frame (balance issues) needs the loo frequently. This has impacted on the family. Because of his issues - we don’t visit our son’s house (no downstairs loo) and he moans about a longish walk down our daughter’s drive. It is just so difficult now. He has no interests. I need to get out of the house most days as this is wearing me down.

Carenza123 do you have a Carers Association near you? If so please contact them. They can arrange trips out for you and dh, trips just for you with someone sitting in for dh, and all sorts of recreational activities that concentrate on you as a person.

Can you do chores together, so if he is doing diy, you clean, if you are gardening, he puts the vacuum round, both cook together. Start with the cooking, would you like tea now, OK, would you come and chop the veg. Start small and slowly add on jobs and say thank you and praise him for it.

Neither of us sits around if the other one is doing a household chore. However my husband is now retired and I still work so he does pretty much everything at home, but he likes to show me what he has done and to have lots of praise for it. While that doesn't happen in reverse as I don't have to do the actual chore, it is a small price to pay to tell him he is the best ever for doing it and he is then full of beans because he has done something to please me and I love that I get a big grin and a happy husband.

Riversidegirl - identify what you would like to be doing with your time instead of 'houseworking'. Then do it. I have a happily married friend who has always set the rule that housework which she doesn't mind finishes at 1100 am and the rest of the day is for her and OH. There is a division of labour, it involves him helping with the batch cooking and freezing and her helping in the garden and this leaves them free to pursue their own hobbies - she reads a lot and enjoys craft work, he also reads and enjoys DIY. Find yourself a hobby and preferably one that takes you out of the house. If you're one of those people who can't do anything for yourself unless the house is tidy and clean start working with a therapist to help you prioritise and be happier in life.

I do everything around the house, insurance, shopping, car maintenance etc. my husband has been spoilt as a child and had a doting sister. I really wish I had a partner I could share things with but these last few years he has had memory issues and his behaviour has changed. He had a TIA last year which hasn’t’t helped. Been to memory clinic etc but nothing diagnosed. I am a carer now and it’s difficult to have proper conversations now as his concentration is going. Also he can’t really go out socially anymore. He dribbles, can’t walk without a frame (balance issues) needs the loo frequently. This has impacted on the family. Because of his issues - we don’t visit our son’s house (no downstairs loo) and he moans about a longish walk down our daughter’s drive. It is just so difficult now. He has no interests. I need to get out of the house most days as this is wearing me down.

Give anything to have my husband here but he never lived until retirement. The problems some of you have when old yourself are challenging.. I think get a cleaner if you can afford it for the harder tasks. Do not cook every day, have some instant meals or have a pub meal. I am someone that needs a calm, clean environment, I can’t live in clutter but I would have to adjust and leave some weekly tasks. You need outside interests and to get out of the house so I would be doing housework just a couple of hours a day. I would not be ironing
and would have separate bedroom if he were selfish and he could look after his own. My room, my sanctuary, would be clean.

M0nica

sparkynan if you spoke to a solicitor, I think if you left, you could insist the house was sold and the money shared, that oru husband could buy you out.

Thank you for your reply M0nica, I think my biggest problem is me! I’m a coward and can’t face the upheaval and drama. So I just muddle along. I’m lucky that I drive and have lots of outside interests.

sparkynan if you spoke to a solicitor, I think if you left, you could insist the house was sold and the money shared, that oru husband could buy you out.

CatsnCoffee

I wonder why you restrict yourself to not eating out. Nowadays, nutritional information on menus is obligatory and many food options can be assessed just with common sense. Is it something else:cost? guilt?habit?

It's not a requirement for nutrition information to be on UK menus. Just calories and even then only for large businesses so it won't apply to the independent restaurants.
I agree about going out though. Greek restaurants are useful because you can stick to grilled chicken and salad (or other healthier choices). Same for Persian. Restaurants tend to salt their food more than you might at home but once a week isn't going to hurt and no prep or washing up afterwards.

Riverside girl and Suzieque66
I’m kind of in the same boat, but me and him indoors lead more or less separate lives now. I have been married for 48 years and there have been lots of ups and downs. Unfortunately he has become completely unreasonable and I have to walk on eggshells around him. So I go out a lot and leave him to it, he cooks and will shop for himself, he will hoover once in a blue moon but doesn’t do anything else, he is unable to see dirt! He has CKD plus constantly ill now. If I had the money I would leave him, but unfortunately my money is tied up in the house and he wouldn’t agree to split up and sell the house and go our separate ways. He has said, if I want to go that’s up to me but he is staying put. My pension is not enough for me to leave and rent somewhere, so I just try and make the best of it. It is hard though and I truly feel sad for both of you.

Sounds like you need a holiday. Get a cleaner in once a week to give you a break, have a day where you have a takeaway or ready meal, if you want to go out for a meal check out places that cater to your diet, my daughter is wheat intolerant and finds places to go. Going out for a coffee is nice, just sitting relaxing, just time out of the house.
I have a very busy home life with a special needs teenager in my care plus my husband had a stroke and brain surgery, every day I go off to mcdonalds and sit and have a coffee , this is while the carers comes and get my husband out of bed. Everyone needs a break so this is my time. You sound like you need your time? I sometimes meet a friend for coffee but if not I'm happy just to sit and watch the world go by on my own.

Oh Susieque66! Gosh I'm so sorry. Please do something for yourself to discover a little happiness while you're able. Do you have some savings? Get away for a break on your own. It's not too late to experience some peace and happiness.

Riverside Girl - please talk to him about it as this kind of thing can build bad feelings. Are you sure you can't eat out occasionally? Just for a change. Tonight while you're preparing dinner ask him to give you a hand- peeling carrots etc. When you're hanging laundry just ask him to take over and do it. If you cook, he should do the dishes. Why not? You're both retired. Tell him how much you'd appreciate sharing tasks- especially cleaning. This is clearly bugging you. Those quiet resentments can build without the OH even knowing about it. Such a long relationship should be worth the effort.

All my working life, if he did anything he expected praise and thanks, and that was rare. I managed somehow to work raise 2 children and work a demanding well paid job. Housework had to be fitted in somehow.

I then had a sick mother to look after too, so I worked out that I could afford to retire. Then the snide remarks began - "where was his food, I had been home all day!" and "he came first, my mother could wait". The day she died, I had been at the hospital all day and popped home to make his food, so she died alone.

The house did become tidier, but he has now settled into old age, and nothing I do is right. He mops the floor, "because someone has to" He empties the dishwasher with much sighing, and shows me how to make a bed properly. So perhaps you are, in someway lucky that he is not taking over.

But I agree with most responders, I laughed at a friend who irons underpants, sheets and towels, who changes her beds every 2-3 days because he likes it that way!

My iron comes out once in a blue moon, I change my beds every 2 weeks. Yes, I still do things he has no idea about, but if he complains, I offer to show him how it is done.

I shall congratulate DH tomorrow on all his does around the house. If I feel particularly tired due to my dodgy thyroid I tell him and he takes over.

Before we met over 55 years ago he shared a flat with another chap so he was used to looking after himself. 👍

I believe the requests should be phrased "Will you...?" rather than " Could you...? " or " Can you...?" because it's easier to say no to the more vague requests. I read that somewhere...

Suzieque66. You have had an a nasty shock. Yes, do take those weeks off and give tyourself a breathing space.

If you reach a point where you cannot and will not do anymore caring, just tellSocial Services and walk away. they will have to take over.

Ive been married over 50years and I regret it now ... never been really happy , now husband is displaying Dementia problems and he is so awful , I am really worried that I will be tied to the house caring for him ...I am trying to get away to relatives on my own so I can enjoy a few weeks away from him ... my life has ended ...