Sister’s insensitivity to my feelings

Im sorry you have too June3

Also not sure if I'm a "victim" and that's not the issue for me either, but maybe helpful to someone. I'd probably call myself a survivor.

Hope you find answers June3, but if not, I hope you find peace.

Oh I did read it and the hurt that lies behind it.
You have had many positive suggestions as to how to,proceed, from changing the subject, blanking her, ignoring the topic, frankly telling her to shut it, but IMO you also need to look at your own feelings and how the “hurt” is eating away at you.

OnwardandUpward…so sorry you’ve had to deal with this too!

MayBeMaw, It seems you maybe didn’t read my post to the end? I’m not here trying to determine if I’m a victim or not. I was asking for ideas on how to get through to my sister as to why she totally ignoring my repeated requests to stop bringing the issue up.

Edith Eger, a famous psychologist who survived Auschwitz as a girl once said this.
It says that you as the individual have ultimate control over how you react to even the worst life experiences.
Only you can decide whether to be a victim or not.

Thanks June3, your story resonated with me because a relative hurt me by telling me of an abuse that happened to me before I was old enough to remember. I really, really REALLY wish they had never told me.

In my experience, some people do say such things because they are a bit sadistic or because they are extremely self focused. Neither is helpful or welcome.

Thank you for the insightful comments, especially the ones who understood it was talked about the first time and subsequent times after that was when I asked her to stop bringing it up. It seems like that was lost on some here though. Some people even suggested I shouldn’t be affected by it as I don’t remember it. You can take my word for it…I was and continue to be affected as it was me under assault. Whether I remember or not is beside the point. Thank you again to the kind souls, such as OnwardandUpward, who get my point that my feelings are being stomped on by my sister who is ignoring them.

Smile serenely, murmur “Recollections may vary” and move on.

Technically yes, but if she has already talked about it with her sister and asked her not to mention it again, but sister does?? It sounds like this might already have happened.

Her sister has not apologised and unless she tells her why she has ignored the request I cant see how they can progress. If the sister refuses to acknowledge June's feelings or apologises for the effect of what they said, how can we be sure their motives were for the benefit of June?

I agree with HazelEyes

@Aldom thanks ?
@june3
What is your logic on talking to her about it? I would imagine it was traumatic for her, but how can talking to me help?

Because talking to you will really help her and I think it will help you too. Talk about it together and then you can both agree not to mention it again.

June3 Hidden memories can be very painful when they resurface and you need to look after yourself and get help if you find yourself in that situation.

In the meantime I think you need to say clearly to your sister that you do not wish to discuss it, that you need and expect her to not raise it again.

If she continues to raise it then I think you do have to think about stepping back for your own protection. It must be so painful

missingmarietta I am so sorry that you have and are enduring that

June3, I can understand how permitting your sister to talk it through with you would be hard for you.

Nevertheless, HazelEyes advice is worth considering, as your sister may be in real need of forgiveness.

I too have been deeply disturbed by incidents which happened when I was around 18 months - 2+years old [one incident may have been reoccurring for unknown period of time]. I've been told versions of events over the years by my mother and an Aunt. I was 50 when I was told a lot more when my mother broke down one day. She'd been holding the full story in for all that time. And I know there is yet more but can't deal with any more. My mother has now died.

It's an awful story but I cannot remember everything that happened obviously. However it did make sense of a few flashback scenes I've always had in my memory...one when I was alarmed/startled and one when I was very frightened and someone was calming me down.

It has had a bad impact on my life despite trying to rationalise and put it behind me. I've had counselling, didn't really help. It's affected the way my family have treated me as if the chaos and it's aftermath were my fault. I carry guilt though nothing was my fault and have always been the black sheep.

So I fully understand how the story has made the OP feel and does not want it constantly mentioned if asked not to. It's ok to say that something not remembered can't affect us but it impacts on how other family members view us and treat us. They maybe have their own feelings of guilt and be holding secrets which seep into their personality and behaviours over the years....for example.

You must have felt as if you were being forced to remember something Blossoming, despite it not being beneficial to you to remember.

That's awful OnwardandUpward. Why on earth would someone want to do that? I think you did the right thing going NC with them.

I began to have flashbacks at the age of 19 of a traumatic episode in my life when I was 4 or 5. They were extremely upsetting and disturbing. Having them resurface of their own accord was bad enough, but for someone to try and trigger memories that are not ready to surface is just wrong.

Maybe your sister should see a priest (if she wants to do a confession) or a Dr (if she needs counselling) I would point out that you are not either of those things.

She's like a stuck record. If she won't stop, you'll have to try and ascertain what's behind it. Is she speaking from trauma or being deliberately upsetting? I have a relative who seems to be deliberately upsetting and say things designed to cause pain (schadenfreude)

You may need to go No Contact. Or Low Contact, depending on how you feel.

You could even say something like "You know I have asked you not to discuss this, but your persistence in causing me pain is going to make me cut you off if you ever mention this again. Your choice."

I have also been told stories of abuse I can't remember, supposedly by another family member- which has disturbed my mind- I would rather that the family member kept it to themselves and I am now NC with them. Im so sorry, I know it's painful.

Memories of a traumatic event are often buried deep within the subconscious, because the person who experienced it doesn't want to remember.

I don’t remember much of what happened to cause my brain injury, apart from occasional unwelcome flashbacks. My sister was like a dog with a bone, going on and on about it. Asking questions and trying to make me describe it. She wasn’t there at the time unlike your sister June and I had to be quite brutal to make her stop. It’s sad because I felt that she didn’t support me by making it all about her and her feelings, and much as I love her it’s put a distance between us.

If June's sister is seeking forgiveness, and I agree that's a possibility then why hasn't she said so? Surely the way to have approached this would have been when mentioning the incident the first time, to have said she felt partly or wholly responsible for what happened and ask her sister to forgive her.

Memories of a traumatic event are often buried deep within the subconscious, because the person who experienced it doesn't want to remember.

The reason June hasn't experienced long lasting trauma is because she doesn't remember what happened. Her sister raising the matter on several occasions, having been asked not too after the first time, is wrong for doing so.

If you do that you can say you want no more mention of it, move on.

Sago

June3 Is there anyone alive to back up the story?
I guess the answer is no.
Why would your mother have never mentioned this?
I suspect this could be a lie.

Peraps because she felt guilty too, letting a 10 year old take charge of a 3 year old or letting a 3 year old wander off by herself?

It's obviously worrying the sister so much she is seeking forgiveness.
You can't remember it, June3, so it hasn't caused you long lasting trauma, just be generous and forgive her!

I really can’t understand why you have allowed mention of this childhood incident, which you didn’t remember, to upset you to the point that you and your sister aren’t speaking. It was many years ago. You’d forgotten it. Do stop being so sensitive and repair your relationship with your sister. Life’s too short.

I agree with those who have suggested that your sister may be struggling to deal with her own guilt over what happened June3 but that said, as you have asked her not to mention it to you again, she is wrong to do so.

IMO if this happens again, suggesting that she gets counselling is an excellent idea.

If someone has experienced a traumatic event in their lives, it can take years before memories of that incident start to surface and that is very upsetting and disturbing when it happens.

No one should be trying to remind someone of something they have no memory of.

Thank you missed that one!

Sago

June3 Is there anyone alive to back up the story?
I guess the answer is no.
Why would your mother have never mentioned this?
I suspect this could be a lie.

The OP has stated, upthread, that her mother died years ago, but a brother has recently confirmed that the incident did happen.

June3 Is there anyone alive to back up the story?
I guess the answer is no.
Why would your mother have never mentioned this?
I suspect this could be a lie.