Were we so busy that we had no time for parents

I used to do everything with my daughter. Theatre trips, cinema, shopping, days out. Then when our granddaughter came along it ws the three of us doing similar things. The last few years, nothing. It stopped. I try to suggest things but they're always busy, so I stopped asking. Quite hurtful but there we are.

I see my son and his partner every weekday because they live close by and we walk their dogs while they work from home. I really like the normality of our chats - not long ones but everyday things. My son is not always well so it’s a good opportunity just to support and catch up. Another son and his wife live in the same town and we often have a meal with them or a phone chat - about once a week. It’s easy going too. Another son and his partner live further away and have children. Unfortunately it is much harder to stay in communication with them - he texts every so often and we go to look after the children occasionally but although I am close to my son his partner won’t speak to me and is just generally making life very difficult. It’s very sad and depressing. I just hope things will improve.

When I first left home at 18 in the mid 70’s I was so busy with ‘life’ that I didn’t go home for almost a year - I never realised it was that long until my brother pointed it out to me. Rightly or wrongly time just passes unless we are mindful of it in relation to our actions

I think its a lot easier for our children to keep in touch these days, they might not have as much time to visit in person but landlines, mobile phones, whats app, zoom, facetime etc were not around when I was away from home.

I worked full time most of my life my husband was a long distance lorry driver who was only home at the weekends I had 3 small children life was very hard my mum rarely help us but in later life I can see that I should have made time for her in my life she must have been quite lonely although she seemed always to be rushing around doing stuff i really feel guilty now I've reached that age myself

Of course - having own career and children. The important thing is were we 'too' busy on purpose when they needed us? I hope not!

By reading most of these posts I appear to be very lucky. One dd and family live 10 mins away and the other 5 mins away she’s recently relocated back to UK from Australia. One daughter phones me every morning the other most evenings, all be it, it is usually on there way to or from work. But to be honest I have a busy social/ work life myself so I understand, and certainly don’t expect them to check in with me, they do it because they want to and I appreciate how busy they are with work and families to raise.

I live 180 miles away from parents and children.We facetime weekly the children and grandchildren,they visit twiceca year and we go down twice a year and l phone my parents and mil weekly.
But the parents or mil never reciprocate by ringing me.lol.
That suits us all fine.l dont want or need constant contact they have their own lives as do l.

I spent a lifetime pandering after my very flawed parents - it was expected of me as an only child.....no make that - demanded of me. In their final 17 years I was there every day to visit/do things, take them shopping, take them to appointments etc, etc,.

This was as well as working part-time, helping run our IT business, doing some freelance writing, taking my then teenage daughter to all activities after school, (as we live rurally), caring for our dog, doing all household chores, cooking, gardening etc, etc, and visiting my late M-I-L and also taking her to appointments. All this with ME and numerous other chronic illnesses, and it took it's toll on me.

Nobody would ever dare accuse me of not being a devoted and dutiful daughter, especially given that my parents treated me so badly all my life.

At 64, I am now rather selfish - if you want to call it that - but putting myself first and looking after No 1 in what years I have left.

I had a conversation with my DIL recently in which she spoke a little wistfully about the time when extended families lived close by and women weren’t under such financial and career related pressure to work full time. We live an hour away and help with childcare so see them quite regularly . Her mum lives 300 miles away and comes to stay for a few days about once a month. Obviously I don’t how this will change once our granddaughters are older. When my son was young we lived near both sets of parents and I worked part time until he was eight. Those were choices we made. Our children have made different choices and, inspite of what my DIL said, I don’t think she really regrets her choices. It’s how the world is now.

I had 3 older siblings who had teenage children when I just had mine. I moved to be near my parents who were in their 70s at that time and due to health issues I knew they were needing a bit TLC everytime I travelled home to visit. I took them to appointments, my DM shopping once a week and helped with a bit of housework all whilst working part time with 3 children, one just started school. The older siblings had much more free time but chose to do their own established thing, just couldn't seem to break out of their routines. Parents lived for another 5 years. I was glad I had helped them.

One of my sons lives 400 miles away but every Friday he zooms me and our grandchildren come on after we have spoken. He also texts during the week. I think he realises how much we miss them all with living so far away. Hopefully we will visit THIS Christmas.

lippyqueen
I put a similar post on last week, and most replies were good but a few had a go at me asking if I had my children to keep me company in old age ! I do hope responses to you are nice ones
My point was that hearing your loved ones voice is a boost especially if you live alone. I think it's sad people don't call each other anymore, and by the time texts have gone back and forth a call may be quicker ?

I used to phone them a lot but we lived too far away to see much of them. About every 5 or so years we would go on a long visit or they would visit us. After they retired it was slightly more frequently. We got on really well at a distance and had a good relationship but when I lived at home my mother and I never got on at all.

Until my father died,I would phone them about once a week, then when my mother got frailer I phoned her every night at about 6. I miss those phone calls now and sometimes wonder at 6 pm who I can ring and talk about the day's events (limited as they are).

I can't complain about the 2 of my 3 boys who have children of their own, we have contact about twice a week with each of them.

But thank heavens for daughters-in-law, with whom I have frequent contact via Signal.

Now I'm a grandmother myself, I do feel guilt about not keeping in touch with my parents more regularly when the boys were smaller. They were in a different country, and must have wished for more letters and phone calls, although they never complained.

Looking back( my parents both died in 2001) I did not give them enough time. I had a busy, demanding job and several other commitments, so I only visited about every three weeks for a few hours. I could have done more. But they were very independent and did not readily accept help.
My daughter lives near me now and I am grateful for that. We keep in touch by text and doorstep visits and occasional outings.
My son lives about 15 miles away but I rarely see or hear from him. He brought me some shopping early on in the first lockdown but since then, it is up to me to go over there. As they are all busy people, and mixing a lot through school, college, work, etc I tend to keep my distance. No problems when we do meet though.

Looking upward, until they died (at 85 & 92), it was my parents that had the frenetic social life that we had to fit round. They died before electronic technology took off, but we usually visited them or they visited us every 4-6 weeks, they lived 90 miles away, and we spoke weekly

My AC live 90 and 200 miles away respectively, and this obviously affects how often we see them. DD is with us at the moment, for the first time since July, but we have visited her twice and we are on the phone 3 or 4 times a week, plus Facebook and email. DS, wife, and 2 teenage GC stay a week in each school holiday, we go up to visit them, usually at half term and again we are in touch almost daily through telephone, email and facebook.

I phone DD in Australia once a week and we message each other if anything interesting crops up in between.

DS, who lives a few minutes walk away from us, we can go for weeks without much contact. He usually rings if he wants something. Used to see much more of them when the GC were small, as we did school pick ups, meals etc. but not needed now they are teenagers.

I know that if their roles were reversed, i.e. daughter living nearby and son overseas, we would see much more of her family than we do of his, just how it is.

I don’t recognise this in both DDs/GDs. DD1 and both GDs often pop in after school and DD pops in alone if she if passing ours. GD1 (16) is busy with exams at present. I collected both girls from school on Monday, big smiles when they saw me. I asked DD1 if she could send me a link to a site she found for me, I told her I knew this was a busy time for her and she replied, I’m never too busy for you Granny.
DD2 and SiL live in Australia. We all keep in touch regularly via WhatsApp, FaceTime, texts and phone calls.
Both our sets of parents were a big part of lives as were our GPs and we had regular visits/meals together.
All our girls still seek my advice. We also all sound the same which baffles DH whenever he answers his phone hoping he can recognise which one of us is calling.

I lived miles away from my parents after I got married until I moved back home ten years ago. So my relationship with them centred around irregular phone calls, I had three children less than four years apart and was working once the youngest went to school. My parents were busy as well, enjoying frequent holidays around the country on their bikes and I had a much younger sister as well.

So we did try to visit each other every few months especially for special events but it was difficult to arrange, even phone calls were irregular! But it did not stop us loving each other and enjoying each other’s company when we did meet and my children have lots of lovely memories of their grandparents.

Nowadays, my children also live some distance from me and the two in this country have very demanding jobs. Daily WhatsApp messages are our way of keeping in touch and that suits me as I can post or reply when convenient and they can sneak a quick message when at work! In fact, if they phone me I initially get worried in case something bad has happened! Also, any phone calls always seem to catch me at a bad moment when I am rushing out or got visitors so can be very brief.

freedom from the past I had my own business when my children were born ,my daughter came to work with me when she was 8 days old and stayed until nursery when she was 3 .We had our business for 45 years only closing it because of covid .If you want something to work you can make it happen .Our children were both used to sorting mail,putting stamps on envelopes ,helping in the shop from a young age.Didn't do them any harm

When we married we lived half a mile from my mum and dad and I stopped by most days on my way home .Not a long visit just a "what kind of day has it been and do you need me for anything" visit
.After our daughter was born I walked home from work with her in her pram and my visits were a wee bit longer.Mum and Dad would often walk the last half mile with us and when wee miss was walking were delighted to take her hand and walk with her.
Sundays were inlaws day ,we went to theirs, 40 miles away for lunch until our daughter was old enough to be left with them,we didn''t want then to miss out on her ,their only GC so when she was just about 2 we would leave her from Friday until Sunday .She also spent a couple of weeks in summer with them on the farm .
Consequently she had a brilliant relationship with all her GP's .As did my son when he arrived 10 years later.
My children have much the same routine with us ,we see our son most days and our daughter calls and msgs throughout the day .I think its just because it was the norm when they were small and growing up .My daughter also called her granny at least three times a week because she cant travel to see her .
Some of you will think we're odd.but we just love each other and like to spend time together whenever we can .

I try not to intrude into the lives of my AC . My Mum was amazing and when I married I remember her saying " I will never be a Mum that expects regular phone calls on set days nor will I expect to come for lunch every Sunday" She was true to her word , we had a wonderful relationship and she came to live with us in her 80s - I still miss her love and wisdom . I follow her example , my children have busy working lives and children of their own and I respect their privacy. The result is we see them quite often but there are no set times or expectations, it works well !

I have teenagers and I can say that 1) they hate talking on the phone and 2) my teens are almost a full time job for me. Must worse than when they were toddlers. I am very blessed that I am able to stay at home with them. I am in awe of parents who work full time and have the "normal" teen things going on. Especially more difficult with a self owned business IMO.

You say that they Whatsapp you often. Texting and social media is the preferred way for teens to talk to others, including their own friends.

The questions I would ask you are:

What does a good visiting schedule look like to you? What is a good visiting schedule look like for your children? Have you had a conversation about expectations with your children? Mismatched expectations can often lead to conflict in families, so it is best to discuss it.

Do you have other endeavors to keep you busy and fulfilled? If not, is there a way you can look into something? I know with restrictions, that can be difficult.

Unfortunately, busy families can sometimes get tunnel vision . It isn't right, but it does happen.

I hope you feel better. I know being sick doesn't make anything better.

lippyqueen

Hello all, I just wondered what your thoughts were with regard to time spent phoning, visiting or just general thoughtful acts towards your own parents.
I must admit that my DD’s generation just seem to have very little time to do any of the above. I know DD has a busy job with their own business and 2 teenage children who are very busy themselves but it seems that as time goes on there is a smaller amount of time allocated for us as the grandparents! Perhaps I am just being a bit needy as suffering from the “super cold” but I do feel that unless I push to see them that visits happen very infrequently. I get quite a few what’s app messages which are pretty easy to do and take no time at all which is something that was unavailable for us. For some reason our children’s generation also think that as we get older we are incapable of any sensible thoughts or opinions. ? ?

I have four children and 5 grandchildren and they are in my face 24/7 we all live near each other so that will be a factor as well as they all need childcare so this may tail off as they start school.I love them all but sometimes just want two minutes of peace on my own!