To say im totally bereft , is an understatement , another night of crying myself to sleep , and also feeling angry with myself of how could this have got this bad ... like many parents of adult children, that for whatever reason breakdown , its like its a dirty secret , like somehow you have failed , .. going back to my children , from children to adulthood , they recall lovely times growing up , they where on the cusp of all things computer ,latest games ect.. but i was fortunate enough to have outdoorsey children , who enjoyed their bikes , meeting to have games , football , rounders catch , even climbing trees , one fell out of one 20 foot high , thankfully nothing broken , and all ended well , on summer afternoons it was hard to get them in for lunch , they were enjoying their play so much , they are great memories all round .. I had 4 children , 3 boys and a girl ,, when the boys were in their late teens and my daughter 11 , their dad lets say left me for the old clichet ..a younger model , there is a lot I could write about this , but with house moves school moves ect , exams , from 11+, GCSE< and Alevels we got through it , they didn"t see thier dad for a while , he had a new life , so iIbattened down the hatches to build a somewhat new life as best I could , we jollied along , had the usual teenage angst , I always said if I got away with a few slamming doors I got off easily .. and I only ever had the slamming doors and some shouting .. which was short lived , .. in that time all that mattered was their happiness , I had no support but managed ok , in my alone moments i was bereft to the point of , lying in the fetal position, in excruciating pain , with the loss of what could have been .. but again I dusted myself off and carried on , as us parents do , because we want the best for our children , in lots of ways im very blessed , my 3 sons are now married , been with their now wives a long while , and my daughter in in a lovely relationship , she met on her travels now living the other side of the world and happy , and that is what I would want , its her life she must live it how she wants , one of my sons lives accross the pond with his wife and new baby son , which leaves 2 sons here , one of which , our relationship has broken completely down , in some ways if it was just him it would be a little easier , I would happily give him the space , but there are 2 grandchildren involved, and I am only going to get hurt further by asking him to see them , ... I live a 5 minute drive away , I rarely pop in as its about giving them their space they both work hard , but my home as grandparents are is always open , throw into that iI work 50 hours plus a week to just survive , if I get a day off im recharging my energy ,I work in the care sector , so apart what has gone on in the last 18 months , you feel you need time out to gather yourself ... im not the fortunate grandparent I hoped I would be , circumstances has dealt
that blow , but everything else birthdays seeing them at christmas ect i totally am there, but there is a responsibility on both sides and from the get go I have been left out of special mile stones , and that"s where the problem has laid , for im damned if I do and damned if I dont .. heres the list "got a text message to say my new grandaughter was born , in days after found myself alone when going up to the hospital no communication fo times ect , they cut off for 7 months came round to my home on run up to christmas , very hard when trying to get time to spend , always an excuse , going to other families home ect , wasnt told my granddaughter had started nursery , never been told about nativity plays school sports , going back to school , i get the odd invite round , they dont come here , , 8 christmases i have never had them round here, or should i say they havent came round for christamas lunch .. , as the rountine for them is to go to my sons motherinlaws home , i have had christmas on my own as my only other remaining son had plans with his inlaws last christmas , he did insist on staying with me , but its not about him , he has given his time , .. I messaged my other son two nights ago to come have dinner next week with his other brother and wife , and to say iI got a message that things wont be better for a while in this relationship is an understatement ... yes i know there is 3 sides to a story , but what im guilty of is pointing out is that i miss my son , i want to spend some time with him , iIwant fairness in our relationships , and if that makes me a bad person .. then I will take that .. im heartbroken , because for all my children I only wanted the best , im not the be all and end all , ive always insisted their wives must come first as do their children, how this mess has happened I will never understand , for now im about to have to pick myself up again , dust myself off and soldier on ... theres not much else I can do .. anyone else going through something similar , this is just to say you are not alone , and although not easy and im sure we will have some trying times ahead .. just to say ...BE KIND TO YOURSELF XX
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