Feel so alone

Oh trouty this is one of the saddest posts I have ever read.
I think the relationship with your DH is the most important. I would have to tell him I read the messages. You need to talk to him. Maybe he feels insecure with your DDs and that is why he is siding with them against you.

We all have complicated relationships with our children at times.
The one with your DH is what is important here. He has no right to say such things to your AC.

I hope you can work it out.
Please let us know how you are.

Your AC need to listen and understand that they are not the only ones who are hurting Trouty. They are adults and need to behave as such.

What kind of self absorbed AC tells their mother who clearly loves them and has done her best that she is emotionally unstable and a drama Queen, while colluding with their father, in what is nothing more than slagging her off.

We are responsible for how we raise our children but are not responsible for them once they are adults. They are responsible for themselves because that is what being an adult is all about.

I hope you'll soon be able to access the help and support you need but you are not the only one who needs 'fixing'. Your AC and in particular your husband need some fixing too.

Your H and your AC are abusing you. You deserve better and I'm not convinced that any of them deserve you. I'm sorry but your H's a disgrace. He should be ashamed of himself and I hope one day that he is.

If he's so convinced that they'd all be better off without you, then why didn't he do something years ago when your children were little, if he and they were being so badly affected?

I'll tell you why, because despite being less than perfect which we all are, he couldn't have managed without you and in all probability your children couldn't have either.

It is not "fine for them to vent and to be disrespectful" PLEASE Trouty value yourself. recognise your own self worth because if you don't no one else will and that includes your D's, and the one you believed to be your soul mate.

In my 8 plus years on GN this must be one of the most upsetting OP's I have ever read.

“, and he was basically slagging me off to each of the them individually and there was a whole WhatsApp discussion saying life would be better if I wasn’t there..”

My sympathies, I would take that as my cue to leave and put all the stress behind me.

I’ve been there in a different way, my eldest son brought a very aggressive DIL into the house and turned the whole family against me, so I was gone. They didnt like that I took a heap of cash with me, happiest for many years now with a man who cares.

Good for your Katie

Trouty Is your husband the father of children? I assume so! His behaviour and disloyalty is reprehensible! And he is not helping your AC by telling them it would be better if you were not here!!

Have you talked to your Dr to try to access support asap? I really think you urgently need to talk to someone to help you to see a way through this situation and decide a way forward.

Some have suggested considering whether what was said in the messages has validity but I think you really do need help from someone if you want to do that, you cannot manage this alone. Is there a friend who could help perhaps? I am sorry that you are feeling so alone and as you are I think finding support is an absolute priority for you.

If you cannot get nhs help do try some charity agencies they are out there or even online course in self help and self esteem
I m sorry to say this but I think the blame lies with your husband and you ve no idea how long he’s been goading your children
Of course we all make mistakes I could write a book with the mistakes I ve made and I m sure we all can

DO NOT blame yourself I bet he couldn’t do a better job I want to come round and whop him one

Good post Smileless.
Katie well done on making a new better life for yourself.
Please get some support Trouty. You deserve better. Shame on your husband.

Trouty I am so sorry you are feeling so sad and I can quite understand why.

You seem to have accepted that you are a "bad mother" and I wonder if this has given everyone in your family a useful scapegoat for everything that goes wrong in their lives. It is so much easier to blame someone else for one's misfortunes or deficits.

I think you need to get away for a while if you possibly can but also to get some counselling so that you can learn to accept yourself - faults and all. None of us is perfect but from what you say you have done your very best to support your family. If you have made mistakes - as I'm sure we all have - that doesn't entitle others to pull you to pieces and make you feel so wretched.

I wish you all the best and hope that you have someone who can offer you some friendship and kindness. I'm sure everyone on here wishes the same for you.

You can do your absolute best for some adult children and it will never be good enough. I actually think they often need to be left to their own devices a bit more to allow them the space to finally grow up. And trying to act as peacemaker is rarely a good idea and more likely to backfire on you. Let them sort their own disagreements out, or not.

Poor Trouty, you must be feeling so exhausted. I think a break from home is a good idea, maybe a yoga retreat or something like that? Somewhere supportive to focus on you.

Then the first relationship to address is with your husband. If you decide you want this to continue, I'd say marriage guidance was essential. If he refuses, then I think you should consider moving on.

I am sorry to read your post Trouty. I have never been a perfect parent but tried my best. When you are older sometimes what was your best can be judged not good enough.

I noticed you say your hormones fluctuate. I had this for decades where every month I made plans in my head to leave and was so short tempered.
Last year I was put on the pill for long covid inflammation and as part of that my hormones have levelled. But I was still bleeding constantly so the GP has put me on 2 pills a day - minipill - and my hormones are not fluctuating I am so at peace with myself.
I don't mean for that to sound dismissive I can't say enough how much I feel better without the fluctuations and how much stronger I feel.

As for your family I would feel cornered.
Part of me would want to get out now and start afresh. Like you say you are on latest this week. If you can afford some space I would move out. My thoughts are with you.?

Trouty, it seems your job gives you the satisfaction of knowing that some people do regard you as a worthy and lovable person.

'Drama queen ' and "opinionated' are not very terrible condemnations, if at all . It sounds as if your husband is a fine one to be calling someone else "opinionated" ! You have a right to opinions based on your experience and attainments.

I wish you all the best for your opinions ! I hope your daughters for their own sakes are able to hold reasonable opinions.

I am so sorry a horrible situation for you, lots of good advice here and I wish you all the best.

Trouty, did you ever think of your daughters as spoiled brats? From the little you have written you have done your best. You are a little mother still going out to earn to help your family, and if I were part of your family I'd give you all the moral support I could.

I wonder if your husband is perhaps a little jealous of your ability to hold down a stressful job on top of all the mothering you have done and apparently are still doing.

Your family may come to understand that perfection does not exist.

Trouty, please draw the line now. Is this what you want for ever? I would suggest go away if the budget allows, for as long as work and finance allows. Examine your behaviour and ask yourself if you have been a bit of a pain, if the answer is yes, address that, however that does not excuse in any way your whole family victimising you. They are not a nice lot. Bullying you. Is that what you want? The fact they think it’s normal say much more about them, not you. Make sure you get half of everything, so see a solicitor before you make any decision, it has life long implications. The trouble with bullies they always make it appear their victim is in the wrong, when it’s done by four people what chance have you got. Show them. If you decide to stay set your own rules and boundaries, get a thick skin. Good luck.

BlueBelle

If you cannot get nhs help do try some charity agencies they are out there or even online course in self help and self esteem
I m sorry to say this but I think the blame lies with your husband and you ve no idea how long he’s been goading your children
Of course we all make mistakes I could write a book with the mistakes I ve made and I m sure we all can

DO NOT blame yourself I bet he couldn’t do a better job I want to come round and whop him one

I’ll hold your coat BlueBelle!

What a devastating betrayal! Most of our teenagers have had a mutter and a moan about us but for your OH to take part in it is quite staggering and disloyal. Perhaps contacting Relate or a similar organisation will at least get you on he waiting list. It may really help to speak freely with a trained counsellor to help you work out your next step.

Yes there are! I went to a really wonderful means tested Christian counselling service. Hopefully with everything opening up again access will get a lot easier. Mental health definitely needs a lot more funding as does organisations there to keep women safe.

I wish Trouty would come back.

If my family ever treated me like that - I'd be off like a shot to find a better life.

I wish Trouty would come back.

So do I dragon I am concerned about her trying to deal with this. Please take GN advice Trouty and talk to the Samaritans as a start for you. You need to look after yourself.

What a heartbreaking post…. Trouty, I hope you’re ok. Please come back and tell us you are ok. I have 3 AC, and they say some nasty things sometimes, but it all blows over, because I try not to concentrate on it.
I am divorced, so I don’t have a nasty husband to cope with. Do take some of the wise advice of our lovely GN friends. Good luck..

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Hi sorry for the long silence. Ended up having a meltdown at work and being sent home. Phoned the doctor and had an appointment with the mental health practitioner on Wednesday. Horrible experience.. the woman was so dismissive and treated me like a hysterical middle aged woman who was wasting her time. I was in such a state and couldn’t function let alone answer her quick fire questions. Ended up walking out.. phoned the surgery and spoke to the practice manager to complain.. she told me to come back down and see the doctor.. by this point I couldn’t breath.. was signed off work and a prescription for diazepam. My boss is organising councillors for me.. although after this experience I’m anxious. My middle daughter wanted to pop over but I told my husband to make up an excuse that she couldn’t.. she FaceTimed this morning but I couldn’t get her off the phone quick enough.. she knows something is up but told her dad how hurt she is about the way i was. The girls are all having a sleepover at my youngest daughters who lives 200 miles away.. no doubt the cauldron Will be out.. I feel such a horrible, useless, weak person.. thank you everyone for your support and advice. I really appreciate your support xx

I’m so sorry for all that’s happened and your ongoing mental anguish, I hope others be be along soon who can help

Thank you for coming back. Please don't feel useless and weak. I am glad your boss is supporting you. You must be valued at work.
How has your husband been with you. Did you tell him.