Ageing- how to react?

When my late husband's illness prevented him from doing jobs I didn't get tradesmen in because I didn't want him to feel bad. However, I regret this, and think I should have had the 'we're at the stage where we need help now' conversation.

My husband has the same mindset of men's and women's jobs, but it's me who's slowing down and unable to do the things i've always done. In his place I'd feel undermined.
I'd feel embarrassed if he got a cleaner or gardener (I do the gardening) in on my behalf. Would he undertake some of your jobs and free you up to do a few of his?
That wasn't much help was it? I'm sorry.

ExD I’d be happy for him to push the hoover round or do some dusting but that isn’t going to happen! He does prep the veg most days.
I am useless at gardening, though on request I will help to clear up piles of weeds or clippings. I am no good at DIY either, so that isn’t much help.
Shandy, I think he agrees in theory, but can’t really accept that help is needed.

Would it be worth him having a check up with the doctor? There could be something that is making him tired. My friend found she had slowed down quite a lot and was diagnosed with thyroid problem. I'm not saying that is what your DH has but it could be something that may be resolved.
74 isn't that old.

Age UK has people who do jobs and do them with due regard to sensitivity.

My experience is that some tradespeople are very good and some are not.

For example, I had my house electrical system modenised and that involved a need for the tumble dryer to be moved.

The electrician sought my permission to move it, moved it carefully, put it back afterwards without needing to be asked.

However, a friend, elderly, with problems, wanted a carpet fitter to move a small cupboard and he refused saying that it was not his job to move furniture. My friend went to struggle to do it, but the young assistant, perhaps an apprentice, stepped forward and moved it for her, whilst being told by the older man that he was a fool to do so.

She asked me if I knew of a good electrician and thus he got some extra work.

In the unlikely event of me needing a carpet fitted I suppose that I would check with her first! If you get what I mean.

I am not a clinician, this is a link that I have just found.

www.scfn.org.uk/clinical-frailty-scale

The scale is about half-way down the page.

The following is just chat from me, though based on what I have picked up from chats with a nurse when she has visited me (Professional call).

This is all from before the pandemic so does not take the pandemic into account.

It appears that each time the doctor or nurse sees a patient - at least at my GPs practice, I don't know about elsewhere, that wasn't discussed - that in the medical record the clinician records (at least for older patients) his or her assessment of the patient's score on the frailty scale. This can be done both for physical frailty and mental frailty. For example, someone might need assisted transport to get to the dentist but be quite capable of ringing up and making the dental appointment and the transport by the specialist supported transport. But someone else might need the nurse to do the arranging.

The score can go up and down in time.

So you might like to consider looking at the chart and considering how it looks in relation to your husband, perhaps in conjunction with him.

A person need not have one fixed score, he or she might have some features from two or three adjacent scores at the same time, it just gives a general impression. Though it can be useful to talk to a doctor or nurse mentioning those numbers as it can convey information, particularly in telephone consultations.

I hope this helps.

Interesting.
DH might be considered “vulnerable”. He has diabetes, well controlled but he says his medication causes tiredness. He also has angina which limits walking and can be brought on by gardening. He has arthritis which he rarely talks about but it affects his back and knees, making walking and bending difficult.
One thing we are putting off is getting a decorator in as we are not able to move some of the furniture, even if there were anywhere to move it to. Time was, when DH could move a heavy chest of drawers by himself, but not now.
This ageing business is no fun, is it?

My OH had PD - I know he found it hard when I started doing "his" usual jobs, and getting people in for them. But they had to be done.

Maybe if you had a cleaner in for an hour a week to ‘help you’ it would ease the way to getting other people in. Also, set small gardening tasks to do together, just 30 minutes each time, with him ‘showing’ you and thus doing it. I hope that helps a bit.

I’m reading a good book entitled ‘ The book about getting older (for people who don’t want to talk about it). By Lucy Pollock. It it interestingly is quite a bit about medication and how if left unchecked or reviewed it could affect mood, energy levels and other things. The author is a specialist in the care of the frail and elderly. I read it because my mums coming up to 80 and I wanted to know more about how we age and what may happen. Perhaps get your husband seen by a specialist. Hope things improve x

Thank you Mattsmum. I’ve just looked at the reviews for that book & got it on my kindle ?

maybe involve him with questions like which shall we do first, get the garden sorted or have the (insert room here) painted? make gently clear that its going to happen anyway, that his control isn't being taken away but muscle is needed which neither of you have got.

Cabbie21

Interesting.
DH might be considered “vulnerable”. He has diabetes, well controlled but he says his medication causes tiredness. He also has angina which limits walking and can be brought on by gardening. He has arthritis which he rarely talks about but it affects his back and knees, making walking and bending difficult.
One thing we are putting off is getting a decorator in as we are not able to move some of the furniture, even if there were anywhere to move it to. Time was, when DH could move a heavy chest of drawers by himself, but not now.
This ageing business is no fun, is it?

In relation to moving furniture, that is one of the services that Age UK provide. Free-standing, not "with decorating" or with something else. I think some people can get it free. Last time I had them for something (pre-pandemic) it was £27 for the first hour and £15 per hour for subsequent hours.

If they do the required job in less than an hour they will (sometimes?) spend the rest of the hour doing something else. The people tend to be multiskilled and helpful, so maybe take not long to move the furniture then saw a branch off a tree for example, but mention it upfront so that in this example they bring a saw with them.

I have found that I need to get help with things that I would have done almost effortlessly years ago.

I have learned to just accept the situation and be grateful for what I can do.

My dh and I have several ongoing medical conditions that now show we don’t have the energy or strength we used to have. Fortunately we have big strong sons who will happily move heavy stuff for us.
However they don’t have the time to do things like our decorating. Last summer dh painted our bedroom and laid a wooden floor. He ended up with a hernia and because of the 3 year NHS waiting list he paid privately for the needed surgery. It was indeed an expensive redecoration.

It was a good time to make a decision. We both agreed that any future work, including, decorating will be done by a tradesman. I usually helped with decorating so it was a decision for both of us.

We’re lucky we can just about afford to pay for tradesmen. We don’t often decorate. I think it helps that it was a decision made for the benefit of both of us.

I have had the same problem. I think you need to have that conversation that Shandy57 mentioned. Perhaps mention some things that you can't do any longer so that he doesn't feel so bad. (Or invent some) Maybe agree a time limit by which if he hasn't done a job you get someone to do it. I do feel for your husband. Its not easy to admit you can no longer do things.

nadateturbe

I have had the same problem. I think you need to have that conversation that Shandy57 mentioned. Perhaps mention some things that you can't do any longer so that he doesn't feel so bad. (Or invent some) Maybe agree a time limit by which if he hasn't done a job you get someone to do it. I do feel for your husband. Its not easy to admit you can no longer do things.

I did not find it easy to admit it to myself either, but now I delight in figuring out the workaround and think myself clever for doing so!

So maybe ask a question (what's the word)ly.

Like

"If someone needed (insert name of job) doing and they could have done it themself years ago, but can't now, how could they do it?"

"How do you mean."

"Well suppose that years ago someone wanted a new microwave cooker and went to the shop in their car, bought it, got it home, carried it in and then unpacked it and lifted it onto the worktop, but now can't drive and can't lift something that heavy."

"Order online and get it delivered."

"But then it is on the floor in the hall, and needs lifting and the person cannot lift it."

The answer is to contact a local electrician and ask him or her to get it from the shop and deliver it and install it, and pay them for doing it. Costs more, but no cost of running a car now, so it often balances out.

There are some jobs that someone should not do themselves ever, like installing a new electrical consumer unit or altering gas pipes, so just treat it as an extension of that.

I think that the word I was looking for is 'neutrally'.

So ask the question neutrally, as in asking about "someone" rather than asking about "you".