DIL Problem

I would be very careful what you say or do with regard to your daughter -in-law. Your post comes over as quite judgemental: my son does ALL the cooking; he continues to take the domestic load; the house is dirty; she is very overweight, the children are scruffy/grubby; just at the end you say she may be depressed.

Your son adores her; he is at home all the time so surely he is aware of the state of the house and children and can take action if need be. She may well be exhausted following covid, lockdown, home-schooling et al; she may have a job where she works three days a week but has work to do at home as well, or she may simply hate housework
.
If you speak to your son it may well get back to her, 'my mother says' and there won't be a happy outcome.
Observe by all means, and be prepared to help if asked, but I really don't think comments to either of them would help at this stage.

Very unkind post Redhead,

I honestly wouldn't do or say anything.
Being overweight doesn't automatically mean depressed.
Your son is also dressing the kids 'scruffily' and not keeping up with the housework. If he was bothered, he'd do it.

I'm presuming the other days your DIL isn't working she's doing catch up.

Honestly, don't say anything. Not everyone is house proud and there maybe things going on that you don't know of.
Keep doing what you're doing.

You say you can't clean your own room because you haven't time because you're looking after the children. I take it the 6 year old is at school so you only have the younger one during the day.
Couldn't you spend an hour " tidying Granny's bedroom"? Perhaps let her do a 'turn-up' ie finding a container (laundry basket or cardboard box) and putting everything into it, (sheets, clothing, shoes, hairbrush etc) then putting it on the bed, while you go round the edge of the carpet with a brush, and hoover it?
Honestly, if you time yourself its amazing what you can achieve in 60 mins. And the little one can sort your jewellery or hairpins or socks for you.
She/he will love it when the timer goes off and you can have a biscuit or something.
Do you expect your DIL to invade your privacy and clean it for you? I wouldn't dream of cleaning my MIL's room.

I too, would speak to him. In fact we did do this with our son and DIL. There are ways of doing it in a non judgemental way. We love her very much, and were concerned. My son was worried, and felt relieved to talk about it with us.
The next thing, my DIL started to lose weight! She looks lovely now, and feels better.
My thoughts are, if you keep ignoring something it’ll get worse. It’s the old, everyone’s thinking it but no one’s doing anything.
I suppose you’re the best person to work out how it should be tackled OP. You know them. I would hate to think she really is suffering, perhaps with depression, and everyone’s walking on egg shells round her.

Surprised by the post from Redhead. She usually seems quite caring. Bad day?

How dirty can a room
Only used once a week really get? I don’t understand why you can’t keep it clean to your standards, and why you think your son shouldn’t be expected to do so either. If it’s really that bad I’d tell your son you’d like the cleaners to add it on to their roster and you’ll pay the extra cost.

When ever I have stayed over at AC's houses I have always taken laundry down to be washed and cleaned the bedroom before leaving anything else I would class as impoliteness.
If your son & dil are happy and they grandchildren well cared for its their business no one else's.

I apologise to O P I have had bad news about my friends. That is no excuse I don't know what I was thinking. It's not like me to be negative I always try to give support about family issues.

Your DIL works three days a week what does she do the rest of the time beside stuff her face? She needs a good talking to stop pussy footing and get on with it.

Wow Redhead you're a piece of work aren't you? I'll bet your DIL just loves you when you speak to her like that. Do you speak to people irl like that? No? Thought not.

Cross posted Redhead. Your apology wasn't visible when I posted. I hope your friends have better news soon.

A gracious apology Redhead, I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Silverdale2, your concern for your daughter-in-law is evident, I hope you find a way to continue to offer the right support, at the right time, in the right way. ?

Redhead sorry about your friend. Your apology is kind and gracious

In your place I would express my concern directly to my daughter-in-law by asking her if she is happy as to you she seems a little unlike her usual self.

If she tells you she is fine, you can then have a word with your son, but going to him first is a bit of a slap in the face for your daughter-in-law, surely?

Have you time to start teaching the children to dust, make their beds and put dirty clothes in the dirty clothes basket?

At six and four they will probably enjoy helping.