Grown up daughter another forgotten birthday

This happened to me several years ago. My son forgot my big 2:times in a row. Then, one year we had celebrated Xmas early as his dad ( we are divorced) was going to be in town for Xmas. I was hurt that he didn't text on Xmas. All of this festered and later came to blows. I requested a get together to talk ( pre covid) there was more to discuss be then the forgotten bday, but I brought it up as part of a general lack of appreciation. He said bdays weren't important to him. I told him it didn't matter. What mattered was that being remembered at least with a text was very important to me!
I can't understand how this is passive aggressive? It is telling your daughter is it is important to you and her husband.
Clearing the air improved my relationship with my son and I always get at least a text on my birthday. I wish they remembered my husband of 14 years but they don't and I let that one slide:-)
I think if you don't talk to her about it it will come out in other ways. I think asking a loved one for what we need is a good thing.

I really hate expressions like ‘passive-aggressive’. I’m afraid I think your DD is just being bad mannered, and thoughtless. I think that it’s irrelevant whether some people ‘do birthdays’ or not! If she expects you to remember hers and her families, then she is an adult and should make sure she remembers the other people in the family. Nobody is that busy they can’t manage a card or a 5 minute phone call.

Sorry Pumpkinpie but I find it hard to believe that your daughter would forget the date of her own father's birthday especially two years running. Maybe if you conveniently forgot her birthday one year it would make her realise just how selfish she comes across.

I always tell the children that their father's birthday is co ming up. If she says you are being passive aggressive when you remind her, well, then, so be it... you aren't.

Absolutely no excuse unless they've had some unforgiveable falling out that nobody knows about.
I really wish I could say one thing to your daughter. The 6th March was the 26th anniversary of my Dad's death. Luckily we'd always been close and nothing on God's Earth would have made me 'forget' his birthday. I can't begin to say what I'd give to be able to still even send him a card and I'd respectfully suggest your daughter gets over herself and writes her Dad a letter apologising for her utter selfishness. Nothing will ever replace the two years she's missed but she needs to build bridges NOW, or look forward to a lifetime of regret, when he's no longer there to smile at her and tell her it's ok he knows she's busy. Which I have no doubt, he'd do.
Good luck with her. Sounds like you need it.

I think it’s thoughtless and unkind when our ac don’t make an effort with a card or any form of contact. No excuse about busy working mums how hard is it to send a card or make that call. Sending hugs

I would never dream of missing my parents birthday, that would be so hurtful. It’s thoughtless and selfish. Which is just about right for some of the younger generation. Stuff upsetting her, tell her straight, how hurt he was

That awful. My daughter has done similar to me. I told her off! And for the late Mother's Day card from a previous year. She has all sorts of lame excuses. Then I get a late card which isn't a proper birthday card. Very hurtful when we do so much etc. Seems selfish to me.

No excuse for it...especially for the second year running. I would tell her straight that she is being selfish, thoughtless and uncaring to her Father!! She is lucky to have her Father still with her.
Passive Agressive she says....I would show her bloody Anger this time!!

Well said!

Sadly your daughter appears to be very selfish. Everybody forgets so,ermines, but a phone call to say Hapoy Birthday is worth millions.

Janet10 -my thoughts exactly. I have every ones birthdays and anniversaries written down on my calendar, just in case I'd forget. My daughter remembers everything that's going on. My son is absolutely useless. He forgot both my birthday and his niece's this year and even though I reminded him last week about his other niece's birthday, he forgot again. He doesn't do it deliberately. He has 4 children and holds a management role in a company where he works 6 days a week. Just because he forgets birthdays doesn't mean that he doesn't love me -I know he does.

Remind them, they have busy lives.

I’m afraid I agree absolutely with FannyCornforth - I feel so sorry for your husband - it really is most unkind - I think you should tell your daughter how sad he was that she didn’t acknowledge his birthday- passive aggressive indeed - she’s got a lot to learn- thoughtless, unkind and lacking in wisdom and empathy. No excuses . Sorry if I sound harsh but your message made me angry. ????Happy Birthday to him .

PS - those who say they have busy lives - well, didn’t we all? We remembered birthdays - my children remember birthdays - all very Very busy - a lawyer QC - a GP and a consultant surgeon - With children - home schooling etc etc . I have to remind the surgeon - but he always sorts something out. I guess I’m a retired bossy teacher -

I think she should know how she made her father feel on his special day .
The only way she might realize what that feels like is if she finds herself in the same situation on her birthday ...then yiu could say that you thought she just wasn' t doing birthdays anymore . I have had to do this with siblings and friends re xmas cards, birthday wishes etc. All it takes is a calendar, a pen and a phone ....and a bit of thought for her parents.

helenlouise I agree with your. My son also has a very heavy demands on his daily life. Not just work or home but in many ways that must wear him down. He is loving and caring to all the family, he just forgets things. Birthdays, dates, times. If I had his life I would forget things too.

Thoughtless and selfish comes to mind.l would be tempted not to bother with hers and when questioned say l thought we were not bothering anymore.
Use the money saved to treat you and hubby.

The only way for her to learn is for her to feel how much it hurts, don't bother with her birthday, no card, no phone call, not a single mention. Make sure you still remember her Husband and the children's birthdays. When she reminds you that you have missed hers just shrug.

Your DD is not a very nice person. Who ‘forgets’ their own DF’s birthday two years running and then insults the person who kindly tries to remind them?

She deserves a good kick up the backside but this is not legal so buy her a calendar for Christmas with every member of the family’s birthday pre filled in.

You might like to add on the envelope, ‘Remember the inheritance, Serpent.’

(Joking)

fluttERBY123
This has to be tongue in cheek

I understand how you feel. Regardless of what she says in return you need to tell her that her Dad seemed hurt she had forgotten. Both my boys forgot my birthday last year and I was hurt for a long time. I actually said to one son are we not doing birthdays anymore. He looked embarrassed and made an effort for Christmas.

I usually text and remind my lot of any impending birthday to avoid just this situation. X

Oh there’s really no nice way of putting this one! The two people who raised her, 2 dates is all she needs to remember before she won’t get the chance to forget. I’m the same, don’t want anything from them, but if I didn’t get a card or worse still, if their dad didn’t get one ( we always feel it more for the other half I think) then I’d not send her one either..... when she then “somehow” brings it up..... I’d just say “ oh I thought we weren’t doing ADULT birthdays anymore. If nothing else, she’d get the message and feel the metaphoric “stamp”. I feel your pain, and no I bleeding well wouldn’t remind her, she doesn’t have the excuse we have “old age”. I’m fuming for you, you can buy a card for 50p in Asda... or even a phone call, but absolutely no acknowledgement... nope! Grown up or not, she’d get a piece of my tongue.... then a cuddle if she genuinely apologised.

Am I the only one that thinks that her dad ought to be phoning his daughter and telling her how disappointed he feels that he didn't get a card on his birthday.