Grown up daughter another forgotten birthday

Sharon103
Not at all - I agree with you

Sharon I agree with you too.
In fact, I think that I should also step up to the plate; get on the blower and give her an earful!

I told my step-daughter and step-son that my hubby (their dad) was sad when his bday wasn't acknowledged. He received a card and a gift the following year. No harm done and a happy hubby.

I think if anyone decides to take the advice that some people have given, to deliberately not remember her birthday, this would be the death knell for any further father or mother birthdays being remembered by her, and I think this would accurately be described as being passive aggressive. Never a good idea to try and improve things by doing things that will make things worse. Do you want to never again acknowledge her birthday, which is what you'd be setting yourself up for if you did that.
None of us know your family dynamics, what about having a get together when able to, to celebrate all those times in lockdown you weren't able to get together, not just birthdays but anniversaries and anything else y oh might hade celebrated, you could have a big cake or a load if iced buns and remember all the missed birthdays, anniversaries and fathers days etc. Don't throw a match on dry vegetation

Good advice oodles.

Heck, I even forget my birthday! I wrote all the birthdays on the calendar on New Year’s Eve after half a bottle of champagne, and copied some of them wrongly from last year’s calendar, so this year is likely to be a bit hit-and-miss.

Janet10 Thank you so much for your wise words. They have helped me to get the poor relationship I have with my adult children into perspective. I am so grateful.

I have 2 grown-up sons and a grown-up daughter, my daughter remembers birthdays, etc, but neither of my sons bother I don't get cards for Christmas, birthdays, or Mothering Sunday no phone calls or texts either as far as they are concerned I don't exist it hurts and you never get used to it.

Why do we expect other people to be like ourselves?

I try to remember everyone's birthdays, anniversaries, etc. because I know how much I appreciate it when people remember me. However, I do not expect others to be like me, but just take a delight when I do hear from family and friends.

Keep to your own standards; don't lower yourself to the standards of others.

How sad for your husband to think his daughter doesn’t care and sad for you to feel that your daughter doesn’t care enough to contact him. If she’s happy to accept cards and gifts for herself then it would appear that she’s being selfish and thoughtless. My husband def doesn’t do birthdays and doesn’t want cards, messages etc but he always sends to others because he knows they do celebrate and they think it’s important.

This is the second time that she has ignored the birthday - why?

I get the shock of the first time happening and I wonder how that first instance was addressed (if you even brought it up to her)

There is something wrong if an adult child doesn’t send a birthday card or gift to a parent, more than once ( anyone can have a blip of memory.)
It could be they attach no importance to birthdays, in which case they needn’t expect anything on their own special day,
Or they attach no importance to a parent ( for whatever reason.) It’s upsetting, of course it is and there is nothing for it but to ask your DD why it happened.It can be asked in a reasonable tone, (all this passive/ aggressive stuff levelled as an insult is just rubbish.)

I agree it would be passive aggressive to deliberately forget your daughter's birthday but it would serve her right!

I think she ought to remember. If it was once, I would say it was a mistake.

In your position, I would raise the subject calmly. A lot depends, I suppose, on your relationship with your daughter and her personality,

I'm inclined to say "forget" HER birthday when it comes around. Some people are so selfish - my elderly parents would be really hurt if I forgot their birthdays, or Mothers and Fathers Day. Given you reminded her then there is really no excuse. Just a simple card, or a phone call, is all that is required - its really not much effort to make for parents and other close relatives. Maybe you should lay it on the line and let her know just how much her Dad was upset. I have no time for this 21st century "me me me" stuff - passive aggressive my ass! Time for some straight talking methinks.

She seems a bit selfish but for your husband’s sake you could have quietly phoned her, chatted a bit then casually said ‘Do you want to have a word with Dad and wish him a happy birthday’.

For her next birthday buy a calendar and circle the dates! Some people just don't think it is important. My husband is one! he doesn't understand that cards and gifts need to be bought in advance and that being reminded on the day is a big deal! after 42years I guess I should just give in and accept birthdays are not what he is good at.

She did ring today & our Grandson asked what we had done this weekend. I said we had celebrated grandads birthday on Sunday. Chatted about school & then I said I thought we might have seen or heard from her to say Happy Birthday
Her angry response was her Dad hadn’t bothered to wish her happy birthday!! ! So the phone call , cards , presents we got her weren’t worth a mention
She didn’t bother with my birthday but I did get a phone call
They are very alike . Don’t believe in saying sorry.
But her lack of respect for us really hurts me. I would never deliberately hurt my friends or family but I sometimes feel as if she doesn’t care about us
Strangely they don’t have problems remembering her husbands mum & dads & families birthdays or anything else

"Her angry response was her Dad hadn’t bothered to wish her happy birthday!! ! So the phone call , cards , presents we got her weren’t worth a mention"

May I ask how her father participates and contributes on that call, card and presents she gets for her birthday?

I have 3 children; eldest makes a big fuss of me, daughter always sends card and we meet up if we can with either families to celebrate.. then son2 always forgets birthdays and never sends a card I might get a text,,, that's just the way it is I have learnt to live with it. I still feel valued and loved by him. I'm sure your daughter didn't mean to forget, but I would jog her memory next year,, she might be upset to have just forgotten and it's possibly with all that's happened over the last year.

I managed to be born on a notable date. It's difficult to forget Guy Fawkes Day. Sons and GC don't need to have their memories jogged.

Dear Pumpkinpie, I am sorry about your DH being sad & hurt. Perhaps, you both can forget the next 2 birthdays of your DD? Do not send her a birthday card, do not text her, do not give her a present - nothing! And if she queries that, say you were both busy & surely the birthdays are just for little kids? It would be interesting to see how your DD would feel about not having been remembered on her birthday by her Mum & Dad. Would it finally dawn on her just how her Dad must have felt...One day, with both of you gone, she WILL remember both of your birthdays but it will be too late...

The suggestion of "forgetting" her birthday is very passive aggressive.

It would proof that the daughter is right on calling OP out in her passive aggressive behaviour

Why not deal with this in a mature manner instead of playing petty childish games?
It reminds me of my preschool kids taking the toy the other one has just because the other one did it first
Does it fix anything? No, they still end up in tears

The daughter not congratulating his father is only the red herring - a symptom of something deeper.

Prove, sorry- hate the autocorrect

Wait. This completely changes everything. Did he personally do anything to acknolge her birthdays? How often does he call her or text her?

To be honest, I do not care for any games. Children ALWAYS learn through personal experiences, never mind their actual ages. While there is a parent, there is a child.