Silent Husband

Now that Parkinson’s is stealing my husband I really relate to SandraF’s post. Having always been great talkers, we have now lost the art of conversation and I suspect are both tired of the sound of my voice. That’s why it is so important to keep up contact with other people, and I take every opportunity to meet friends and just chat.

Sitting in a cafe with someone without chatting would make me feel very uncomfortable. It's all part of the package....coffee, a cake and a chat. It was one of the few occasions when my husband actually talked to me, instead of picking a fight.

It might have been better to forgo the trip to the cafe and return home instead.

Illness makes it’s mark on everyone.
My husband has several conditions which inhibit his ability to hold a meaningful conversation for any length of time at home.
I understand this but feel quite isolated by it.
It’s quite difficult because for short periods of time with others he can converse as their equal. Which isolates me even more as no one understands what he is like 90% of the time!

Sorry to have taken over your thread!

It’s really whether your both comfortable with the silence and clearly your not!

I am beginning to find forced conversations intimidating and can’t wait to leave (probably due in part to the above) but on the other hand spending time with people I like is a pleasure and I find it hard to shut up!!

Plus I think lots of partnerships reach a point where they have little to say to each other.
Presumably the nub is how to address it?
Encourage conversation by talking about things he likes, or find others who like the things you do to talk to and accept him for what he is. I suppose.

My DH isn’t one for talking in cafes either but we can sit in companionably silence. We have known each other now 37 years and are content to have these quiet moments especially now that we have 6 DGC under 10 in the family ?
It’s a different matter with friends especially the two whom I see the most often; we chat like it’s going out of fashion when we meet!

My husband is not chatty either. He doesn't do small talk or answer much. He says it wasn't a question if I complain. Better to find your conversation elsewhere. We happily do puzzles together or talk about the news but there has to be a focus for the conversation. You can't change someone. Bring a newspaper next time.

I would find that situation rather grim I'm afraid SandraF. I relish the opportunity to spend time chatting with my husband (aka The Wonderful Man) over a cup of coffee, we both have plenty to talk about and usually run out of time long before we run out of conversation.

Daft as it may seem a newspaper may be just the catalyst to get conversation going, men are not great talkers, unless it is football, golf or whatever activity they are interested in.
If I can I try to arrange any meals out with friends then there is no chance of conversation drying up, living with each other for many years you know each others views on every subject so nothing to talk about.

My DH and I do talk when we go out - often setting the world to rights. We talk at mealtimes at home also.

My husband wouldn’t dream of going out with me just for a coffee. When we are away I have to force him to sit down in a cafe with me. we are quite likely to be each reading the paper and chatting about what we are reading. Or we will do word puzzles. On the other hand, when we are away with friends, he will happily sit down and have a drink and a chat.
My daughter and I had a shopping and lunch day today and we were talking about how men are wired differently and would never spend a day that way.

My husband doesn't talk much, either, but I can yap away about all kinds of things. We've been together 41 years (married 39). I've noticed that when his mates are around, he'll chat to them for hours, about "blokey" things - motorbikes, cars, tools, beers, etc. Men are quite different to us, aren't they? I don't mind, as I have plenty of women to talk with.

No probs chatting to my DH however we always take the newspaper with us and if we want to just relax we share the paper whilst drinking our coffee.

If I were you Sandra I would restrict my coffee sessions out to be with girlfriends, maybe he will be relieved.

I've just remembered my ex getting all exasperated and saying "That's the trouble with you. You keep trying to make conversation!"

No wonder he's an ex. Like mine (ex, ofcourse?). I can start a conversation with a lamppost - easy ?

I have to wonder why he went in the first place.

It surely wasn't his idea if he was just going to sit there in the garden centre like one of their gnomes.

So if he went when he didn't actually want to, maybe that's all he could manage for one day. Talking must be an 'extra'.

The art of conversing with the men you love is to talk about the things they love.

SandraF. My ideal is pleasant surroundings a comfy chair a flavoursome cappuccino (with topping) maybe a scone or buttered toasted teacake but best of all a good natter. My daughter does good natter but hubby doesnt. He's deaf in one ear since childhood & not great in the other even with aids. He's just got used to 'tuning out' of conversations and refuses to lipread. It can be difficult when people think he's deliberately blanking them. He can get pretty ratty with me & accuses me of mumbling & commands me to 'speak up' but I refuse to shout & I do speak clearly. He can't cope with any background noise although his modern aids are supposed to filter. So at times it can be a trial to visit cafes with him which is a shame. When he lost his hearing there just wasn't any therapy around to help him adjust.

I was in a supermarket cafe the other day and a couple on the next table were both reading their newspapers. Not a word was said between them in the hour they sat there.... If that had been me I would have been discussing what I was reading.

Mr B is chatty, we talk about everything, well we just chat. We go into a coffee shop/cafe on our cycle rides and its a bit like the cafe in Last of the Summer Wine. Because its small everyone chats away to all and sundry. We even help a chap with his cross word.

I would hate it if I had a silent partner. In fact Mr B has just in now and is telling me all about the postman and his operation.

My husband doesn't have conversations really. He appears to listen if I speak but I know he really isn't listening because if I or anyone else mentions the same thing later, he will looked puzzled.
Annep1 I know how annoying that is! If I ask why he hasn't responded he will also say "I didn't realise it was a question" Some days I just give up trying to talk to him.

We used to 'spot the marrieds' because they were the ones sitting in silence. Now I guess WE are the 'marrieds'!! My hubby isn't very talkative either. I am always talking to complete strangers too and he wouldn't think about it. I will say did you know that woman has x children and one of them lives in our road and they all went to x for her holidays two years running, she recommends x hotel... and he's like eh? who cares lol?

Like somebody else says if I ask for a response he will say he didn't realise it was a question? Must be a man thing eh? Not heard any men complaining their wives don't talk enough bahaha

For all that I just accept we are all different - He is happy to do the housework while I go out socialising and that keeps ME happy.

If we stop off for coffee & cake we always chat away about what is going on around us,people watching for me and he will always admire any cars passing which takes his fancy/what the ACs are up to and when we will see them.
We never seem to run out of things to chat about.

Everyone is different. It obviously isn’t your husband ‘s thing-and I don’t think he’s alone-lots of men don’t go in for small talk like that.Maybe keep that chatting for when you’re with a girlfriend.

Your post made me laugh, completely agree! My husband always says ‘why don’t we just have a cup of coffee at home- it’s cheaper’ ??

In my experience most men talk less then their wives! Small talk isn't something they have cultivated or see the point of, so going out for coffee will usually be a totally different prospect if you go with your husband, or indeed any other man, then if you go with a woman friend.

My husband doesn't speak either. At home he's always engrossed in his laptop or the TV. A lot of the time when I speak I get some sort of nondescript reply and I know he either hasn't listened to what I've said or has tuned out. On occasions I ask him what I've just said and the response will be ''something about ...".