Spiteful mothers

My friend ( unbeknownst to any of her family and friends) suffered years of abuse from her husband. She never once decried him to their children, and always made sure they had plenty of contact with him and his family. They are now adults with families of their own, and have a good relationship with him ( especially since he gave up the booze), and when he became ill she was ready to nurse him, as, ‘she had made vows before God’. To this day she has never told them what she went through ( though I’m sure others may have)
I’m sure I could never be so considerate, but would hope I wouldn’t have poisoned their minds.

ican yes, in such cases there seems no alternative to the courts but it can be difficult to prove things unless they are in writing.

It is good if the courts are recognising that some women are manipulative and lying but I can imagine scenarios where that is difficult to prove. It would be good if Social Services would do the same but I know of a case where they believed the mother despite the evidence of two doctors. Wrong but true

My brother in laws ex did this. Her behaviour deprived us all, ( Grannies, Aunts, Uncles and cousins ) of their daughters company. Of course there are two sides to every story and I personally remained in touch ( letters, cards and birthday and Christmas presents) with my ex sister in law, but the relationship with my niece is shot. As we saw so little of her.
I am not saying my Brother in Law was an angel but he just ran out of money to keep going to court to try and keep contact with his daughter. His ex ( a doctor) had the money and intellect to run rings round him.

I agree that some women are manipulative and just plain nasty, but please do not throw all mothers into the same sack. I was abused for years, finally plucked up the courage to leave him, and did. I fought tooth and nail for him to get treatment for his raging alcoholism, as I wanted him to have a good relationship with his children. I could not let him have access while he was drinking as he could not be trusted to take care of them, I tried at the beginning of the breakup and had to go to collect them (he really did some terrible things, forgetting to feed them supper on one occasion. That was the last straw, I went to collect them immediately) And he did eventually get treatment and have a relationship with them. I was happy to enable them spending time supervised by other members of his family, but not alone, for the reasons mentioned above. I wrote to his parents to say they could see him, but they chose not to, as they refused to accept he had a problem (until he moved in with them and they saw it first hand) It was a nightmare and through it all I fought hard to make sure he could see them. Please OP don't decide that all mothers in a break up use the children as weapons. It isn't true, it isn't kind, and there are nasty fathers out there who aren't saints.

Sorry, I didn't check - I wrote to his parents saying that I would be happy for them to see the children and that I would take them to see their grandparents at their convenience

No doubt you would class me as a spiteful mother too OP, as when I found out about my husband cheating on me, it was made very clear to me that my mother in law didn't care about his despicable behaviour, she was only concerned with how he was feeling, and his reputation. When I told ppl what he had done, I got a mouthful of abuse from her. I didn't see why I should have gone out of my way to facilitate my children spending time with someone of such pathetic morals. To this day I have never had any apology, nor, as far as I am aware, has she ever condemned his behaviour in any way. That's not being spiteful, it's looking out for my children.

Sweetpea is there any way you can bridge the divide by acknowledging that you are both a mother and grandmother in this situation and that you will leave your son and his estranged wife to sort out their issues but wish to continue as a loving and involved grandmother? ?

I am so sorry to hear of all these horrid separations.
There can be a positive side.
Following an acrimonious divorce joint custody was granted; once things were settled both parents found new partners and things calmed down. Grandparents and families on both sides had full access to the children as before, and the families of both new partners became enthusiastic honorary grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. At present at least, they form a relatively united extended family, which benefits the children greatly.

Sweetpea60 I am hopeful things will settle down over time.
Everyone is hurting and lashing out at the moment. You wisely came here rather than storming at your dil in person. Keep calm, don't be tempted to blame and most of all, if you're allowed, be a safe haven for your grandchild.

Having worked in the court system, I know it is by no means just Mums who do this, Dads can be equally vicious.

crazyH I'm so sorry to hear about your unhappiness over your friend. It's terrible when we lose someone we love.