Partner raging all the time

Not only with my husband but also my eldest son... I just ignore them

My husband is very much like this. He’s 71 and not in the best of health. I usually leave him alone until he’s calmed down. We’ve been married 52 years, he has ‘grumpy old man syndrome’, he was never like it when he was younger. I do try to ignore it as much as possible but it does tend to wear you down.

I'm so glad to read you may give yourself some space away from this man and give yourself some respite.
It just may give him the short sharpe shock that he needs.

Listen to the great advice on here, leave him and claim back your life. Life is too short to put up with such awful behaviour . How dare he think you should!

I’m with Tillybelle. 23 years of trying to understand a complex man who used me as a crutch for his inadequacies. I thought it was my job to put his needs before my own, and took the angry outbursts because I felt guilty for not loving him enough. I’m on my own now, and it’s taken years to realise how unacceptable his behaviour was. He’s still miserable but he doesn’t have me to blame, and I feel free and life is good again. I wish you the best Snowfall

Dear Snowfall2017 How sad are those words:

"I think I know I have to end the relationship but still hoping for some miracle."

Yet when you know something it isn't always a comfort. I agree with Lilihu about finding a Counsellor - for yourself. You have been going through many years of misery, trying, no doubt, to tread on eggshells, trying to keep a peaceful atmosphere, tuned in to the slightest difference in his tone, movement, comment, always weighing up whether to say something now or maybe later or try and get him in a better mood before you can approach a simple subject that you have to agree on such as whether you are inviting friends round or even how to deal with a simple issue like having to mend something in the house.... I did it for 23 years, 25 counting from the start.
I am so happy on my own compared with then. The weight that fell from my shoulders was indescribable.
Start getting help, talk it out with the aid of a good listener, a Counsellor, who will enable you to hear yourself.
You really must look after yourself. As we age we have no choice but to try to do what is right for ourselves. He is being selfish, it is obvious. I understand he has his own problems and difficulties. But so do many, many other people. He has no right to make your life so unhappy just because he feels miserable. Between the two of you, I am convinced he is not half as unhappy or stressed as you are. He is a bully. He is using you. You have become so used to putting his needs first and making excuses for him you have completely lost sight of the fact that you have rights. You are a human being and human rights apply to you. Please start claiming your right to be happy. God bless you. ?

lilihu I just had to say how beautifully you said the things you did!?

Ahh the road raging retired man! A lot of it about! But I suspect they were quite impatient all their lives anyway. I have had a terrible battering from a man who is setting himself up as his own self-styled Christian Charity, starting to do charitable works using retired men from his church, picking out old people, disabled, widows etc. whom, he proclaims, need their lives restructured by his charity. I was terribly upset by him until I told him not to come to my house again. I think he demonstrates a kind of problem in retired men who have held senior positions at work and now have no one to boss around and no one who particularly takes a lot of notice of them. They become rather more bullying.

I have to say I am with Gilly1952. I think our generation have always been the women who ran the home and the family and looked after everyone. We oversaw the plans the arrangements and everything from providing the clean underwear to organising the diary and making the excuses when our husband was less than polite. We put up with their behaviour in a loving way and let them be disrespectful towards us because we thought they were tired or unwell or over-worked. I think we just made excuses for them. Men do seem to have a very high idea of their importance a lot of the time. When they retire they invade the woman's space and start to disrupt the pattern of her life. An older couple I know, both good friends of mine and very sweet people, make each other so unhappy by being together all the time and not allowing each other any individual life. He has retired and is honing in on her friends. She is fed up with his being there all the time preventing her spontaneity and always wanting to know what she is doing or to whom she is speaking on the phone.
Seriously, it has been a man's world for our generation, they expect things to be done their way and for them. Obviously there are many exceptions, but among those with long marriages, I fear, many of the husbands are quite simply selfish and spoilt.

I think anyone should question their relationships where you are getting no respect or acceptance of your feelings. Most women are peace makers, anything for a quiet life etc but often we enable verbal abusers by tolerating their behaviour. Yes, sounds like you need time apart for you to think things over and be honest with him as to why you are doing this. You owe it to yourself to be happy and not live your life treading on eggshells.

My oh has been like this all our married life 45 years. Lose his temper with things but never people, very wearing all about him grrr

Verbal road rage, anger with politicians, adverts, idiots, probably all justified, but the effect of a husband going on like this all the time is quite wearing. Just back from a journey where he berated other drivers but I noticed he made a few minor misjudgements himself, nothing serious but just a bit worrying since he thinks he is the perfect driver. I get fed up with all this anger even if it is rarely directed at me. DH has several health conditions which are probably a factor, but he really has turned into a Grumpy Old Git. So you have my sympathy.

My brother in law is in late 70s. He was always easy going, calm never heard him raise his voice.. now he gets angry shouts and swears even at TV programmes, Also gets angry with my sis, he never used bad language before. Sis was told could be start of dementia .

I had a husband like this who got worse and worse. I divorced him . I have a much happier life now and wish I'd done it much sooner.

Writing not wroting!!

Yep! I know all about the stroke effect. DH flies off the handle at the silliest things. Never directly aimed at me but because I'm usually the only one there I get it with both barrels.

I don't suffer in silence even though I know it is mostly beyond his control. He always apologises and I know when he's feeling contrite because he'll make me a cup of tea or offer to help with something.

I do get fed up with it sometimes but I remember back in May, when he had a long spell in hospital, wishing he was back home yelling at the telly.

Snowfall2017 - this sounds horrendous. If you think there’s even a remote chance of staying together and you’d like to try to save the relationship, please consider counselling. If he refuses to go, you can actually go alone and talk through the issues with an expert but disinterested person. Either with or without him, you’ll perhaps be able to see the way ahead more clearly. If the relationship has to end, you’ll know you tried your best.
Sometimes a person only really considers their behaviour when a third party makes them look at it. Counsellors don’t take sides or criticise, they just try to get the individuals to look at each other’s behaviours. If both want to make the relationship work, it can sometimes be done. If one or both can’t or won’t recognise the issues or compromise, the wroting’s on the wall.
Wishing you well for the future.

My H has been like this since his stroke. He's charming one minute then swearing and cursing the next, at me ,the tv, the politicians, other drivers etc. I know just how you feel snowfall, and it saddens me to think this is how he will be forever now.

My DH does the road rage thing. Apparently he is Mr Perfect when behind the wheel and all the other drivers are complete idiots. I tell him that they can’t hear him, so why holler at them. He says it makes him feel better. Occasionally he gets a touch of Wife Rage and usually I just ignore it, but the last time I got cheesed off with him and when I managed to get a word in sideways, I calmly asked him”Who do you think you are talking to?” It floored him and made him stop and think. He had got carried away and hadn’t realised that he was blaring away at me. I suppose you could try saying the same?

I know the root causes but tbh am so sick of it being used as an excuse. It has always been about him. For years.

I'm glad that few of you have had to endure this. To those that have, my sympathies. To blzzle, good for you. My admiration.

Thank you ladies.

I am glad you have decided to take a break from your OH.

Sorry to be a scaremonger, but I agree with those who suggest there is an underlying health issue causing your husband's fits of rage.

However, whether it is a health problem or not, it will not get better all on its own, especially as he either genuinely forgets his fits of rage, or pretends to.

If you do not want to leave him for good, because you still love him, then either march him down to the doctor's or to a marriage guidance councillor. I realise he won't be agreeable to either solution, but somehow you need to make him realize that there is a problem that is NOT in your head.

Recording his outbursts is certainly worth a try.

Are there other members of the family, apart from the granddaughter you mention, who have experienced these fits of rage and can and will try to support you and talk to your husband about this?

Dearest Snowfall. Yes, I've been there. I was there for twenty years. I too was told that it was all 'in my head'. I was told I needed to see a doctor because I wasn't 'right in the head'. Then one day I had a light bulb moment and realised the problem wasn't in my head at all. That's when I left.

I really don’t know why we put up with these grumpy old men! Talk about Victor Meldrew............ Mine used to moan about almost everything - I think the worst was when the “begging adverts” came on, as he called them. It used to make me feel very uncomfortable. Thankfully he is no longer in my life - packed him off to be an old misery guts on his own!

I wouldn’t worry about his verbal road rage, so long as it stays verbal.

I would however be very concerned about his raging at you, especially if it is indeed ‘constant’. Talk to your GP saying it’s affecting you and see where that leads....??

My husband has frequent outbursts of rage, sometimes I cannot believe my ears or my eyes. I've tried ignoring it, speaking about it, recommended anger management courses but there is no talking to him. He seems cross with life, the world, politicians, drivers....you name it. He had an outburst in the pub about bad service which really shocked by youngest stepdaughter. At other times he can be a lovely man. I don't know what the answer is. The wish you well in whatever you decide to do.

My sister's husband did/ does that. He has the beginnings of dementia. I would encourage your DH to see his GP, just in case