Is it bad to read spouse‘s diary?

How would HE feel if you'd done the same to him?

He is making it all about him, saying he is hurt. It's you who has had your privacy invaded.

Everyone has their private thoughts, however much they love their partner. It sounds as if you didn't put anything bad in there anyway. It's a shame if it stops you writing a diary in future.

If my husband ever read my diary , which I always leave on the table by my side I would wr ing his bloody neck!
And he knows it .
How dare your husband then go on to twist it and say he is the one who is hurt!!!
Have you asked him why he thought it was ok to do so. ?
Don't let him stop you keeping a diary though even if it means you have to buy one with a lock on , now wouldn't that annoy him ..... Go get one tomorrow and if he asks why just give him the evil eye and say nothing.

I kept a diary for many decades and recently had a ceremonial burning of them,I didn't like the thought of my OH or kids reading them ,even though there was nothing to worry about .I didn't want them seeing all that teenage angst .I do have photos of old boyfriends though .Well most are still friends and my OH and kids know them well .

Thanks everyone. I am still very angry and hurt -there is no reason forthcoming that makes any sense. He is the person I would normally trust most in the world. When it boils down to it he is making all about him and it really isn’t. Possibly one of the more serious rows we’ve ever had ! You think you know someone ..... Irony is that this is just the sort of thing that makes me want to get my feelings down on paper!

Yes, I think he was 100% in the wrong.

You say DH is wonderful. If you are generally happy with him and he usually treats you well, I'd discuss the matter with him and make it 100% clear he shouldn't have done it and mustn't do it again. If there was a particular sentence or paragraph which hurt him, I'd try and resolve that specific issue so that it didn't fester.

I think, after a having a constructive argument, I'd let the matter drop on condition he didn't do it again.

I wish you the best of luck.

My daughters ex husband read her diary written at the age of 16 (she was then 39) in which she confessed she had stolen £20. From then on he blackmailed her by saying he would report her to the police. She had a responsible job and was terrified (and to be honest still is). It’s totally out of order to read another persons letters or diary without permission.

Years ago my husband read my (well hidden I thought) diary while I was abroad looking after my mother who was seriously ill. I had written the diary at the suggestion of a therapist I was seeing at the time because of major problems in our marriage due to his infidelity (he wouldn't see the therapist with me because 'there wasn't a problem!') and so, yes, he read much that made him angry. We stayed together and jog along ok after all this time but I have never written another diary and would never fully trust him. Tempting as it may be, it is just so wrong to abuse another adult's trust in that way and, as others have said, then try to turn it around and be the one who is hurt!

I have always kept a diary, as a planner, birthday reminders etc. In my 2nd marriage because of the way things deteriorated when his Co collapsed, I started to write my thoughts and feelings down almost as therapy, as he was drinking heavily and verbally abusive. I was at work one day and came home to face fury, he had read my diary and was absolutely livid. I asked him to name one thing in there that wasn’t true, of course he couldn’t but his temper and illogical behaviour just wouldn’t accept that. We divorced soon afterwards, but my diary was the proof I needed in Court to be able to divorce him for mental cruelty.

Just so wrong but on a human level if it was just lying around the temptation must have been great if you are a certain type prepared to betray another person. Why not keep writing if it helps you but hide it away. Its only about him insofar as you now know he cant resist the temptation to look at it. He has found how hard it is to face the truth about ones actions, that is what he really doesn't like.

Unfortunately reading someone else's diary is not a criminal offence, which reading letters addressed to them, or at least opening them without permission is.

Your husband behaved wrongly, and telling you he is hurt by what he read is the outside of enough.

I keep letters I write to a cousin on my computer, but while we were recently going through a bad patch, I realised that I had discussed things quite freely in my letters to her, so I went through them and deleted passages I would not want my DH to read if I predecease him. I similar letter to an old school-friend is password protected.

If I were you I would keep my diary hidden, preferably under lock and key, from now on.

Upset? I would be [censored] livid.

No excuses for doing that to someone.

I would be furious in your shoes. I would show him this thread to be honest - so that he can see the nice things you've said about him, even though you're justifiably angry - and he can see what others think. Then I would challenge him to say why he thought it would be acceptable to have read it. It was NOT acceptable.

I'd be furious with him. That is private & a good way of getting your thoughts in order- not for anyone's eyes but your own!

Totally agree with everything here. I learnt to my cost when i started reading teenage DD’s diary many years ago and almost destroyed our retaionship in the process. I was totally wrong to do it, they were her private thoughts & emotons & it almost cost me my DD. Fortunately for me she eventually forgave me but i will never forget my huge mistake.

Once again - thank you everyone for validating my anger - not that I think I need it. I am usually a very pragmatic person and even when we have argued I usually start to feel sorry and see his point of view. This is the first time I have felt so right that I cannot get beyond the anger and knowledge that I am right ! I would never look at ANYONE’S private writings because chances are you will read something you don’t like. DD has always been a most trustworthy and honest person and having had another very heated discussion since , I know it is about deeper issues within him. Ironic, since the whole point of writing my diary was to not stir up those feelings for him ! I love him dearly but my trust has been severely shaken and I am not sure where to go from here. Thank you all for your support . First time of using Gransnet for myself and I’m grateful.

Cannot understand why husband admitted to reading the diary. Clearly the contents are interesting - and he has blown the opportunity to continue to follow his wife's thoughts and comments . It would not be beyond " the wit of man" (sic) for him to ask Q's and keep open discussions on the matters that are bothering her - without it being obvious what he is reading. That might keep communication channels between them going which could have a positive effect on their relationship over the longer term. Think Machiavelli

Hi Katerina0822 - Im betting your DH is justifying his inner remorse about violating your privacy by showing what he thinks is righteous anger. Let him know the things you have said here - both of you are feeling hurt and betrayed, but the hurt he is feeling he brought on himself. He is in the wrong, but is doing a switcheroo so you think you are in the wrong. Psychological games don't belong in a strong marriage.
However - there is a really good question that I try to remember (not always successfully) when at an impasse - "would I rather be right or happy?". Maybe you can apologise for hurting him? Doesn't mean you can't keep writing though!

He was in the wrong, your diary is your private thoughts and doings. He had no right to read it and has only himself to blame. Keeping a diary is a good way of letting off steam, putting your thoughts down and keeping track on events. Don't let it stop you and let him know that you will continue.

Like everyone else, I believe that his actions were WRONG! I hope that you will show him this thread to make him realise that everyone else is in agreement with you. I also think that as he's proved himself unable to be trusted with your diary, you would be well advised to keep a computerised diary in future, which you can protect with a password.

I do hope you can get past this massive intrusion into your private diary.

How sad - I was in a (in hindsight dreadful) relationship where my emails were read and I was, generally, spied upon - or made to feel so. Even after many years (15+) I cannot allow myself to keep anything written that might imply I feel unsettled about anyone - however short lived that feeling might be. Yes he is bang out of order and I hope you are stronger than me and can learn to trust .....also that he can prove that he deserves to be trusted!!

I learned my lesson about reading diaries when I came upon my daughter's when trying to retrieve some washing from her room. She was about 15 at the time and I found myself reading some pretty fruity yet fanciful stuff. Thankfully it dawned on me that it was little more than her putting her daydreams and fantasies down on paper. I just dropped it back in amongst the disheveled heap in her room and said absolutely nothing.
We all need somewhere safe to download what's troubling us, we write it with the expectation that no one else will see it so it is always going to be very private and not for other's eyes, its our 'truth' at that moment, as we see it not necessarily anyone else's truth.. Its a bit like the old adage....eavesdroppers never hear good about themselves.

He is in the wrong a diary is for your own private thoughts and you obviously trusted that he would respect this I would not be happy about it

Serves him right for reading something which was private.

I don't think it would help at all to show him this thread. I am sure it would only fuel his anger because she has shared his action on here. My DH won't even go into my handbag to retrieve his wallet let alone read anything I might write on my computer or phone.

It was wrong of him to invade your privacy. You don't need to justify yourself - you are a person in your own right and entitled to your own thoughts and feelings.

If that upsets someone, well so be it. You don't need to have a conversation to explain yourself. If he wants to ask questions or start a conversation about it then let him do so, but don't allow others to dictate what you should or shouldn't feel/think.