New man

I am in a similar position to Goodnanny. I had been alone for over 15 years. My DC finally left home 9 years ago to live with partners after DGC were born. My last parent died a few years ago.
I was OK to do babysitting, running around and "lending" money but I was never kept company or any understanding shown for my utter loneliness.
Last year I met someone. At that point I was babysitting from picking up from school until late at night. It is nice to have DGC but they are not adults to have meaningful conversations with. I never had conversations with DC when picking up DGC just arrived picked up DGC and set off home.
I had hospital appointments but it was a struggle for a while to get anyone to come with me. Several times I have had to go alone.
New man is still working doing shift work. Babysitting times meant that we could hardly get any time together. I didn't think it right to introduce DGC without their DP, my DC, having already been introduced.
New man knew that I was going to be at a certain place and came to take me for coffee. He saw DC shouting at me. He was with me another day when I got a phone call and had to dash off for the sake of DGC who was in a questionable position. He followed and again saw me getting shouted at. He was not impressed.
I would have been in dire trouble if I had acted like that in the presence of their partners. I would be in even more trouble if I ever criticised their partners
I agree with Elegantine. DC do not want to keep us company and be with us as much as a DP or New Man would. After one of the deaths my DCs left me alone within the hour! I thought that was shocking. They only ever spend a night in my home if it suits their shifts.
I don't know if my DC or other peoples' DC are concerned about inheritance but these kinds of actions are not going to enhance the chance of being favoured in my Will. I have watched what New Man does, I have watched how his ADC have been with me and I am not happy with my ADCs' conduct.
Watching this with vested interest.

let your grief be a point of growth and wish your mother well.

Goodnanny your reply that they told you they just find it all rather weird suggests that with time things will settle down, so enjoy your new relationship and perhaps just don't talk to them about it too much, they sound more concerned about your welfare than their possible inheritance.

Losing a parent is very different to losing a life partner Paddyann. However much we grieve for our parents (and I still miss my mum after 40 years) we still have the life we have chosen, albeit with a loss.

When you lose your partner you actually lose your life as you have been living it. It’s lonely. Filling your day is difficult. Cooking and shopping for one is miserable. Having nobody to discuss things with makes you anxious. Finding that you are now the person responsible for everything is scary.

Some come to terms with a life alone, with children providing what comfort and companionship they can. Others find the loneliness unbearable and are open to finding new affection and companionship, if not love.

3 years may not seem long to the sons but I can promise you they have been 3 very long, hard years for the OP.

My previous posting may have been rather tongue in cheek, but I hold to it. Unless the sons are prepared to devote their time and lives to filling the emotional chasm left by their fathers death and are prepared to share responsibilities and help whenever needed, they should be happy for her.

Paddyann - I must agree with you that 6 weeks is ridiculously quick. I can see 100% why people would be hurt and upset at that.

I have been following this thread with interest and totally agree that, if the sons are purely worried about their inheritance, they are in the wrong.

If you, the OP, happen to be worried about their inheritance, I daresay you could sort things out with a Solicitor. Up to you and it's your money.

All in all, and I know other people may disagree when they grieve for a beloved parent, I think you are the one who has to be alone and you are entitled to meet someone new.

It is right for your sons to be concerned that you meet somebody nice who will treat you well but, other than that, it is your life. Your sons cannot provide companionship in the same way.

so "grown men" shouldn't grieve ? Or worry about a grieving parent?

" the boys" aren't boys. They are grown men. Their mother is an adult with all her faculties. Good Luck to her.

what sad lives so many of you must have if the first thing you think of is "they're worried about their inheritance" Its not 3 YEARS since they lost their dad ,for goodness sake I'd think it was odd if they didn't miss him and worry their mum was jumping into a new realtionship too soon.
My lovely dad died over 24 years ago and I miss him every single day

The Inheritance was the first thing to cross my mind as well.
Can you be open with your sons and ask them if that is what they are worried about. After all, it's quite a reasonable worry. Then try to work out, with the help of a solicitor if necessary a way to protect, what they rightly think of as yours and their Df's money.
They may relax about your new relationship then.

Well you could always take a little break ( with your new mans agreement) and then all the times that you would have been with him turn up on your sons doorstep with your overnight bag or insist that they keep you company in your house or to the cinema or the hospital appointment or the nice day out at the stately home or going to look at lots of different conservatorys until you find the one you want....The list is endless. Every time say “Well, I would have done this with new man but......”
Call them in every time a light bulb needs replacing or the door handle gets wobbly or the car tyres need checking.
Sigh and say “Sorry but now new man is not around.....”

Bet they welcome him with open arms when he reappears

Goodynanny, good to hear you've had the discussion with your sons and their reaction seems to be the very normal discomfort about a parent moving into a new relationship after the loss of the other parent. And don't discount the ultimate yuck factor that maybe, just maybe, a parent might even have sex. Doesn't bear thinking about!!!! ?

My sons do not live with me, plus I have moved into a new house, one I never shared with my husband.
I have spoken to them, but they say it’s so weird for them and they do not want a new dad or grandad for my granddaughter.
Hopefully in time they will come to terms with it.

I don’t know why everyone has jumped to the conclusion it’s inheritence, that’s a big old judgement I would think, it’s much more about their love of their Dad and maybe concern for you My mum and dad have been dead six years but it still feels like yesterday I m just lying here tying to put myself into the sons position and I think I would have hated it if another man or woman had been brought into the family after a short time and ‘nearly’ three years is a short time
Do the sons not like the man (is there any value in their dislike) or are they just feeling disloyal to their Dad and the thought of another man in their dads house/ bed etc is a step to far at the moment you ll only know if you ask them

I hope it turns out ok but I do think it’s unfair to dismiss their feelings whatever age they are.

They’re just looking out for you, which is cool. Carry on doing your thing. And when the time is right, and if he is right, they’ll get on with it. Difficult stage in life with grief etc.

not friends with him now

Mawbroon my best friend died a number of years ago,she had been married for almost 25 years .We went on holidays together for years and I counted her OH as a good friend. 6 WEEKS after she died he moved a woman into her home.I was devastated as were her parents ,he said he couldn't live alone! I know its old fashioned but I think theres a time when its still disrespectful to move on ,not to the person who died but to all the people who loved them .HE in my mind was being selfish.We're not friends with him now.

Your sons are being very selfish to want to deny you a chance of happiness with this man. Only looking at it from their own point of view. Why should you feel guilty, you are doing nothing wrong!
Be upfront with your man, tell him how your sons feel. Once they have met him and grown used to the idea of mum seeing someone new, they might come round and accept it. If not, they have to lump it.

No they both have their own homes.

How lovely, new relationships are so exciting. Your boys are just looking out for you. Ask what their concerns actually are and reassure them on each one. They will get over it as time goes on. Enjoy.

I have recently met the new “squeeze” of the husband of a friend who died 3 years ago and I was more than a bit taken aback.
He had met her online and unlike the vivacious, talented, intelligent woman I knew, this one is over made up, well “corseted” dripping diamonds (real?) loud, frankly a bit vulgar and flashy. He is also the latest of a line of her internet relationships.
Not my business, but I felt saddened. Maybe sceptical too?
Takes all sorts I suppose, but TG I am not family, I would be horrified!

willa45?

Do they know him? Is there some past?
If not it's none of their business

Keep in mind that there is no 'wrong' here. Your boys feelings are normal and natural. Having said that, they don't have the right to prevent you from seeing other people. You are now an unmarried adult and free to choose another life partner if you wish. It's not up to your children (or anyone else) to decide for you.

Be patient but persistent. Right now your sons may feel like they're betraying their dad by accepting your 'stranger'. Emphasize the fact that their dad can't be 'replaced'. Hopefully, they will eventually grow to accept the new man in your life.

Above all, you deserve to have someone special in your life again and to be happy.

You say things are fairly recent so don't panic yet! Tell your "boys" they are carrying on like maiden aunts, unless they know something about this old friend that you don't then just enjoy yourself and give it time.

I think that your sons are being protective of you. It must be strange to them knowing their mum is seeing another man other than their dad and perhaps see it as a betrayal to his memory. I can imagine how they feel, but let them know that you love them and that you're old enough to look after yourself and that you have your own life to live as they have theirs. You deserve to be happy.