How much alcohol is too much alcohol

Your DH has a drink problem for sure. I am a long term member of A.A and also a member of Al-Anon our sister fellowship which is support for those worried and unhappy about someone's drinking (ex is alcoholic) not in recovery.

Alcoholism is a complex illness with many different stages. The fellowship is full of professional people. It is not the stereo type people often think. There is a world of misunderstanding about addiction.

Your husband certainly sounds addicted. As others have said there is no point trying to get him to stop or cut down as he has to want too.

The common denominator in this is you! You have to change what your doing to meet conditions. Your powerless over alcohol as you are powerless to stop him doing this.

Your powerless! NOT helpless. Self care and getting some help for you is what you need.

The link below will take you to Al-Anon (you don't need to tell him your going) and also lists meetings.

There you will find the support with like-minded people you need to make decisions and detach from whst he is doing and build a happier life. I hope it helps. Good luck

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

I would add a cautionary note. I had been family carer and babysitter etc for years. I 'lent' my DCs money babysat at a moment's notice over and above the usual 4 days of childmind so a DC could work shifts. I had a run of poor health I got no help and when I was too ill to child mind I was cut off. It is sad but I certainly saw the light. I was only wanted to provide and then realised I never had conversations with DC outside of when was I to child mind.

Tinny there is so much very sound advice here, it may have saved you lots of money going to counsellors who would all endorse the strategies suggested above. As they say "What's the best way to eat an elephant? One mouthful at a time."

Time to step back and reclaim your own life and sanity first. ?

Find if there is a local “Turning point” group for your husband if he’s willing. Turning Point don’t make you give up alcohol completely rather help you cut it back.

Good advice on here, you have to take control or you will crack up, and if you do crack, none of it will get done. I would deal with all your issues individually and devise a rota, doing all that YOU want to do, but cutting it all back to a minimum so that you can take control and give yourself more free time. Be a bit selfish, you don’t have to ask others, just tell them that because of your own health you are cutting back. Re your DH, any love for him will be eroded slowly but surely, I’ve been there and divorced because of it. He is damaging his own body by excess alcohol as well as your marriage. Others are right, you cannot change him. You could go to Al Anon, if you had time !! and get some advice, you could tell him that’s where you are going and judge his reaction. Often you will get abuse as the drinker is in denial and will accuse you of nagging or controlling etc You are clearly unhappy, life is too short to be unhappy so gain control and you will be a different person. Good luck ?

Alcohol can be so destructive in a relationship, whether it's husband and wife or parents and kids.
I'm concerned you say he's all over you. I hope he's taking no for an answer??
You really do have too much going on by the sounds of it. Ultimately we are only responsible for ourselves. You maybe should start by being kind to yourself. Allow yourself time for friends and outside interests. Your husband is a grown up who can look after himself as are your children. They are able to care the grandkids. Your in-laws are cared for in a home.
I'm sure the dogs would be ok at home for a few hours if you go out? If the dogs are a real issue and your daughter is unable to take them back you still have choices. They could be rehomed or your daughter and her family could pay for a dog walker for you, after all they are her dogs!!!
I agree with the poster who suggested a weekend away just for you to take stock. Go and relax , my goodness you sound like you need it!!
The issue surrounding your husband's drinking is a very difficult one. Does anyone else notice? Are the children aware? If I thought one of my parents was drunk all the time I wouldn't want my grandchildren around that person tbh. Maybe that's a place to start? Good luck ?

Tinny, I have a situation where I entertain about 20 people, casually, on a annual basis. The last few years I have used an agency that in theory supplies cleaners but they are happy to supply one or two people, usually youngsters, for a couple of hours just to be in the kitchen and serve. It makes all the difference, I can talk to people and organise better. Would that help with the family get togethers? Or - as some do - allocate a task to individual family members, food or serving. If you do everything people just expect it to continue but soon muck in if asked.

There are only 2 choices to most problems, change the situation or your attitude to it if it cannot be changed.

Your husband is an adult and can choose how much he drinks, you probably did not mind it when you were drinking.It is not up to other people to judge if he is drinking too much, a bottle of wine is usual for some people for others it is excessive. This is a situation you cannot change.

The problems with your commitments is something you can change if you want to, learn to say no.

If you do nothing, nothing will change. Best wishes, I hope you do something to better your life.

Tinny I echo most of what has been said.

You have multiple problems - all contributing to negative feelings about yourself.

It wasn't long ago I was posting similar - cos I felt I was 'drowning' with everyone wanting too much of my time. The advice I got was to start to be more selfish and take back control of MY Life. (actually I am getting there but that's another story).

Your initial question: How much is too much? If it is making you miserable it IS too much but what to do?

You won't be able to change your husband so you have to change you.

You need to channel your efforts into finding other interests e.g. take up a hobby of your choice, join groups, get out and about, make at least one day a week just about YOU and nobody else. If money is tight, visit libraries and museums visit local theatres. Anything that gets you interested and stimulated. (In time DH may just want to join you who knows? but this is about you not him)

Don't put up with being 'used' by anyone, but help out when and where you can (with family I mean). Above all stop feeling you need to sort everyone else's problems out (been there too) You can't. Once you accept that and become more assertive you will start to feel better I am sure. Good luck.

I think you need to walk away from it all temporarily and give yourself time and brain space to think about what you want from this phase of your life. You clearly do not want what you currently have and you need to take back a bit of control.

Book yourself in to a hotel (preferably with a nice spa) for the weekend. Tell your family that you love them all but you are feeling overwhelmed and need a bit of time to yourself to relax.

While you are away, make two lists: one of the things that are getting you down and the other of the things that you would like to do if you could. Then present the family with these lists on your return.

Your OH's drinking is a problem (I mean he has a real problem with alcohol) and you should get support for yourself from the relevant organisations as others have suggested.

When we reach our sixties it is entirely normal for us to feel tired and have less stamina, and, much as we love our GC, having hordes of them around at one go is very draining at our age. I have just said goodbye to a 5 year old (whom I cared for all day) and her wee sibling of 3 who arrived with Mum for an hour before they left - and I am frankly knackered!

The dogs are a step too far - get rid of them for sure - they are not your responsibility.

You really do need to step back, break away and take stock -and you cannot do that whilst surrounded by this apparent chaos.

I know it is hard to relinquish the "mother hen" role that has been yours for the whole of your married life; but we have to do that as we get older and recognise that we are not (and do not wish to be) the lynch pin on which all the family relies.

You need to take back some control of your life rather than be in the centre of a maelstrom.

Tinny......without sounding patronising, you are a good wife, mother and grandmother.
Wish I could have been the first two, the third I am working hard at, when given the chance.
Be good to yourself

The problem is that you have so many problems that you cannot see the wood for the trees. Write each problem on a separate piece of paper and then pick one up and work out a solution

Start by making some 'me' time. Find one activity you would like to do; join the WI, or a choir or sign up to a class to learn a foreign language or the Knit and Natter at your local wool shop. Something you really want to do, then inform the rest of the family, book yourself to do it and then tell the family: 'I am unavailable Tuesday am, or Friday pm, whatever because I am doing......'

How often do you visit your husband's elderly relatives? daily, I suspect. Cut it down to one hour a week. Any more frequent visits should be your husband's responsibility. If he doesn't make them. That is his problem, not yours.

Give your DD and her DH a couple of months warning that you can no longer cope with the dogs and they must either take them back or find a new home for them.

Take each problem one by one see it on its own and find a solution in your favour.

As for your husband's drinking. Ignore it, but, if you can, let him drink alone. Find something to occupy yourself with when he drinks, preferably in another room or if that is not possible the other end of the room to him.

Like the other threads about persuading someone to stop smoking or lose weight. You can't. In every case you are dealing with people who are adults and know the risks but choose to ignore them Say nothing, but do nothing, to faciltate his drinking habit. Do the weekly shop alone, never buy alcoholic drink for him. Make sure none of your housekeeping goes on it. If he wants it let him go out and buy it himself.

Thanks agnurse....you are quite right, but I was so upset at the things he said, I had to offload and rather than discuss it with friends, I decided to do it with the family. I must remember to compartmentalise my relationships . A bit too late, but in the future, I will. Thanks again agnurse.
Alcohol unleashes built up resentment, Alcohol loosens the tongue and above all, it damages the liver.....wish my son would drink less.

Tinny..... sorry to be a bit harsh but stop being a people pleaser and expend some energy on yourself. The relatives in the home are being cared for. The children are being cared for by their parents. The dogs need to go.

crazyH

I think you made a mistake in discussing the binge with his siblings. That's not their concern. It's his business.

Your relationship with each of your children is separate. So are their relationships with each other. It's not fair to bring them into your conflicts with their sibling.

An alcoholic binge (by my son) last week, has led to a huge row between my son and myself.......he was verbally "attacking" me and because I used the word "attack", when I spoke about the incident to his siblings, he has cut me out. I think this was just an excuse....I know who is behind this.....

I would recommend you consider Al-Anon. It sounds as if he's drinking way too much.

From what I've been told, Al-Anon teaches about the three Cs:

You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CHANGE it
You can't CONTROL it

Your husband has to want to change. If he doesn't there's nothing you can do except focus on yourself and how you can cope.

I would start with the dogs.
Either back to your daughters (she can make arrangements, if her health is not up to looking after them)
You're being put upon.

Hi Tinny and welcome to GN if you're new.

I'd start with the dogs, and use some "I" language to express how busy you are, and say "I love the dogs, but I can't cope with the work any more". They shouldn't have become your problem.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a bit of time for your own pursuits at our age - you only have one life ...

I think Stella1949 has said it all tinny talk to your family and reduce the amount of support you give them. You have to say 'no' sometimes. Support from Al Anon may help with your difficulties around your husband's alcohol issue.
Look after yourself.

Hello Tinny - do not feel bad about feeling sorry for your self because you have every right to!
There is much good advice on here..........PLEASE take it!

I send you lots of Love and Best Wishes xx

I agree with Dolcelatte, don’t nag him about the drinking, it’s counter productive. Take a step back from the in laws and try to rehome the dogs. Tell your family it’s all too much and it’s affecting your health. Arranging a holiday away from all the family demands is a good idea, even if it’s only a weekend break.

It sounds as though both you and your DH are stressed, but that he is using alcohol to medicate, whereas you can't due to health reasons (which probably exacerbates your reaction to his drinking).

It is up to him whether or not he cuts down, but monitoring his intake and rowing about it is entirely counter productive, as you have discovered. He is not a child and he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. You don't have a choice about whether he drinks, but you do have a choice as to whether or not you stay with him. The marriage sounds unhappy but not irretrievable. Would counselling help, do you think? I wonder whether or not, amongst all of the other responsibilities, you actually have time for each other.

I echo what previous posters say - you should divest yourself of some of these responsibilities, especially the dogs and the in laws. Obviously, I am not saying that you shouldn't visit them, but it should not be all down to you. And moderate the family occasions to high days and holidays and let someone else take up some of the slack. Or arrange to meet at a child friendly restaurant, so that it is time limited, you do not have to take responsibility for the DGC, or clear up afterwards.

You are at a stage of life where you should be relaxing and making time for yourself. Instead, you have taken on far too much and appear to have adopted the role of martyr. I would recommend that you advise your children that you have health issues, which is true, and that you have been advised to take things easy. I am sure they will understand. But if you don't say anything, how can they be expected to know?

Can you and DH go away for a while and try to reconnect? Maybe go somewhere exciting, subject to finances, where you can rediscover yourself and each other. Do you still love him? Can you talk things through? How do you think it will be when he retires?

Good luck!

I drink quite a lot of wine – certainly more than the maximum recommendation for women. That is my concern as all I do is fall asleep – or not. Too much alcohol is either because it fuels anger, resentment and, possibly, violence or because the drinker cannot function properly without the alcohol intake and is totally dependent on it.

I also have a hypothesis that relies entirely on anecdotal evidence of living with an abusive partner in the past. Drinking spirits tend to make things worse; drinking the same amount of alcohol by drinking beer doesn't have the same effect.

You've really got two problems - the family responsibilities and the excessive drinking of your DH.

The family responsibilities are things you have willingly taken on. You now find yourself overwhelmed by it all. Time to extricate yourself from some of it.

You don't have to be responsible for the elderly relatives who are in a home - let the home look after them, and visit when it suits you. They are not your parents so really, it's time for their own AC to step up to the plate.

You don't say that you actually have any responsibilities with your GC - like doing school runs etc. Your comment I feel I am on a hamster wheel trying to see everyone and not showing favour. makes me think that you are your own worst enemy in this instance. See them when you want to, not as some kind of competition to show how devoted you are to them. You don't have to stop seeing them, but do it when YOU want to, and forget this competitive thing about "not showing favour". Nobody cares about that except you, I'm sure.

I don't understand why you have the dogs - your DD is married with children, can't her husband and children look after a couple of dogs ? Try telling her husband that you can't have the dogs any more - he might surprise you by gladly taking them back.

Make time for your own interests - make a list of things you really want to do, and make time for them. Fit the family in around those things, instead of the other way around. You'll find that the sky will NOT fall in, people WILL understand. Maybe stop having those big family gatherings - eight children at once is a lot , considering that you end up entertaining all of them. Take a break - your AC will probably think nothing of it. Maybe they'll take on the entertaining themselves if you let them.

To me it seems that you've made a rod for your own back - being all things to everyone. They all think you are fine and you are not. Try looking after yourself and I'm sure that your AC will understand . Maybe they've never had to think about it before - they may surprise you.

Re the excessive drinking - go and see someone at Al Anon. You have a problem - your DH doesn't think he has one so he isn't going to do anything about it. If you are sick of it, then you need to do something. Good luck.