Problem with our DIL

Oh fair enough jane I would suck it up obviously if it was the difference between visit and no visit; of course I have for friends in the past due to flights, trains etc meaning a longer visit was better.

I just hate to feel underfoot and have a horror of being a bad hostess!

The brothers have no ‘visitor privileges’ extended so they can stay as long as they want; they are expected to make their own sandwiches [grins]

As a mil to 4 ( 3 dil 1 sil ) I would really rather they spoke to me direct if there was a problem rather than get my sons or daughter to speak to me. Haven’t had any serious issues but occasional little things, and it irritates me that they can’t speak to me direct. It’s never been a problem with sil but his friends and workmates have always thought it strange that if there is any occasion to phone each other about anything, he speaks directly to me. Apparently their mils only ever ask to speak to their daughters

I would echo janeainsworth post. I too think the sentence We go, of course, to see and interact with the girlies could go some way to at least partially explaining this situation.

Is it possible that your dil believes you aren’t particularly bothered about seeing her? Have you perhaps, however subconsciously made it clear that the purpose of your visits are to spend time with the dgc? Assuming she is introverted and shy (and it does appear that way) forcing herself to be social around people who she believes aren’t interested in her will be incredibly difficult.

Maybe start sending her the odd WhatsApp or email asking how SHE is, not the children. With a little bit of info about what you’ve been up to, find some common ground. My dil and I both enjoy strictly, so we’re currently texting about that. It doesn’t have to be a huge thing, just something so that you and she can have a small relationship aside from her just being the grandchildrens mother.

In order of priority, Evianers, - grandchildren, son, DIL, you.

I too have a very difficult DIL. In early days DIL did communicate with us and we hardly ever spoke to son. She kind of took over. Then it all went nasty and she won't speak to us except politely in any situation where we are in the same room.

I have told my son that what matters is him, his family and marriage and that I will do whatever is in his best interests. What happens is that we are invited now and again and DS and children sometimes visit, a situation that has evolved. You could say you would like to see son and grandchildren if he can see a way to making it happen and that you understand DIL might not want to be part of it and that the last thing you want is to put any pressure on him.

It has to be what's best for them.

I think by excepting her as she is will make everyone happier.

I find it very disloyal of her mother to complain to you her MIL about her. Would you complain about your son to her mother, I think not and you would defend any complaints made about your son.

Your DIL may feel you are siding with her mother and supporting the mother against her won't endear you to her.

Another thing for you to look at, good luck.

muffin 5 days is nothing when you live on separate continents from your children and grandchildren.
We have to fly to the States to see some of ours and by the time we’ve paid for flights and insurance, we couldn’t afford to stay in even a cheap hotel for any length of time.
Fortunately my DiL is a tolerant person.

We go, of course, to see and interact with the girlies

Perhaps that’s your problem, evaniers.
Maybe you’ve made your DiL feel that you’re not interested in her other than someone who has provided you with grandchildren.

I’m pretty gregarious but the list of people I could have spend five days living in my house with me 24/7 is.... short.

I mean, it’s pretty much my brother and my brother in law, tbh. Even my close friends start to feel a bit like work after three or four days unless we’re involved in a bunch of activities.

I try to be a good hostess but I feel a bit Basil Fawlty after a bit, constantly cleaning and changing beds and towels etc and cooking all meals and snacks etc.

I also would struggle to stay with someone else that long, so when I did do longer visits to friends, I always stayed in accommodation nearby. It’s much easier when everyone has a wee bit of time and space to themselves. Maybe this would help on future visits?

OldMeg, I’m sorry if you don’t agree with my viewpoint - I didn’t intend to come across as “judgmental” and I have never been on a “high horse”.
I was just following yours and others lead by giving my opinion.
Clearly, you think some people can be allowed to give their opinions without censure, obviously including yourself, but others must be reprimanded, even insulted.
I’m afraid your emojis didn’t lessen the effect of your horrid message to me.

I ve not had to deal with it often but I find it hard having anyone to stay. I can cope with visits but anything more would cause me stress. I have to stay with son and dil when I’m childminding and I know she finds it stressful too. She usually goes to bed after the children to get space. Other people love company. We are all made differently.

I am more old fashioned than many of those who have already answered because frankly unless you have offended her gravely at some time in the past, I think your DIL is being very rude, sulking in her room when she visits you in preference to spending at least some time with you.

However, on the bright side: your son, DIL and grandchildren do come to visit, so I would in your place try to be charitable and feel that your DIL feels comfortable enough with you to do her own thing rather than be with the rest of the family and pretend to enjoy herself. Hard I know, but saying anything will only make things worse.

How big is your son and DIL's home? Is she justified in saying you are under her feet when you visit?

Whether she is or not, book into a bed and breakfast or some similar not too expensive place next time you visit. If they comment, say you feel that the addition of two extra people is a little awkward. If they don't comment, say nothing.

Those who blame her behaviour on her poor relationship with her own parents are probably right, and at least you do see your family, which many don't because of some or other circumstance.

I should like to thank each and every one who has contributed, although obviously I cannot agree with all that has been written. But it has given me and my OH food for thought with the well-thought-out responses.
But please let this not deteriorate to personal slights - that was not the object of the exercise. We now aim to let her be what she is, not expect anything different, and allow her to be "introvert" as some have suggested. Only addition would be to say that her own mother, every time we see her, complains "N...... wont speak to me" so that is probably where the initial problem lies. La vie c'est dûr sans confiture!

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SSDGM - I believe you are spot on with your reply!

Well I like a lot of time to myself so I’m afraid I quite often disappear into a book or go for a walk when staying with other people or having them stay with me.

Fortunately my children are the same and so are my friends. In fact that’s why they are my friends. And when we were a family it wasnt unusual for all five of us to be in different parts of the house all doing our own thing.

In fact the idea of everybody, all together, talking, doing communal things for five days fills me with horror.

I expect the DIL feels like she is making a big effort and the OP feels DIL is making no effort at all.

Its just different people liking to live in different ways.
It’s only a problem if the OP wants to make it one because it’s not her way of doing things.

In my opinion the best reply was from SSDGM – thoughtful and positive.
The most unhelpful, judgmental, comments were: “Why can’t you mothers talk to your sons? Surely it’s up to them.
I’m sorry but I don’t really see the problem.
Honestly I don’t see why that’s a problem.
maybe it is just that she does not like you.
I fail to see why there appear to be so many families encountering these same problems.
Your son needs to put his foot down”
How do those kind of comments help a poster who is upset by a situation they find themselves in??

Your son and daughter-in-law are married. There is no "in between".

Write her nice letter explaining how much you miss her, and would dearly love to re-establish contact. Ask if there's anything you've said/done to upset her.

Sometimes a good old fashioned hand written letter can go a long way. I wish you all the best. xx

If she has said she needs space then let her have it. Don’t take it personally if she won’t be the person you want her to be; after all why should she? Images of ‘the perfect family’ are all around us and probably what we all aspire to but in reality they are increasingly rare.

She may be shy, as I am, and it took years for me to feel at ease with my in-laws. Rather than avoiding you when she goes upstairs to read a book perhaps she is just relishing the opportunity to have time to herself. Adorable as your DGs are she may feel she seldom has the time to herself that she seems to need.

I skype with my DM every week, my son pops in to say hello and answer some questions for a few minutes as well but DH never does, he is off in the background doing whatever.

My DM has never commented on this because no one ever expects men to do this! Why do we always expect women to make an effort when the same isn’t expected of men?

I’m an introvert and I find spending an extended amount of time with people very draining. I’ve even worked out a formula for it, where I compare how long I’m spending with the person x how much I like them x how many people are involved and that tells me how drained I will be by the end!

I find even a long weekend with my DM is very draining, so I’m not surprised that your DIL may feel the same about having two visitors for 5 days. She can probably tell you think she is being unreasonable (your “5 days, oh please” comment) and this doesn’t make it any easier for her to spend time with you.

I think that your best approach is to stop having these expectations of her, she is obviously not comfortable with this level of contact. If you push harder you might end up causing strain in their marriage and not invited at all.

Similar situation for me, but I’m quite philosophical about it now & eternally grateful that my DS is as close to me as ever, rings regularly on his way home etc. I get to see DGS too although they live over 150 m away. Just try to count your blessings, sounds like you have a great life of your own over in beautiful France- lucky you! Value your relationship with DS & GC & don’t expect any more from DIL. Things may change for the better in the future, give her as much space as she obviously needs. Works for me!

I live away and don’t contact my in laws much but my partner speaks to them often. I really don’t like Skype or video calls which is my mils preference and I must admit it puts me off. I don’t have any animosity towards them at all and enjoy our chats when we have them but don’t feel a real need to communicate often, maybe a bit more than I do but life does get in the way as well.
However, I would hate it if my in laws had issues with this and to feel duty bound to contact them more it would just seem fake to me.

OP I understand how difficult it is, but in laws keeping to themselves on family visits and absenting themselves is not unusual, it happens in our family. We have a similar situation with our SIL, we just accept that is how he is, they live abroad, their apartment was small for two extra people so we stayed in a nearby hotel and it did make things easier for my DD. He never stops DD and GC talking or seeing us, but we never speak to him on the phone etc and he never comes to stay in UK when DD and DGC make their annual visit. Now they live in a larger house, they have a spare bedroom and DD asks us to stay, but as we can only afford the fares twice a year it works.

I have come to the conclusion that he can not help it, it is just the way he is and often think it shows autistic traits.

You only go to visit for 5 days a year and yet you only live in France? That doesn't sound a lot to me! You may Skype every week but it isn't the same
Have you invited them over to you?

Have you thought your DIL might have mild Autism. The difficulty communicating, wanting her own space difficulty with visitors all seem to fit. Especially when you said she goes to her room in the day to read a book. Many girls go undiagnosed as they are good at covering up.

Ask your son how she is with other friends and visitors?

Also why should she be friendly and chatty when she doesn't enjoy it. Please except her how she is, not how you want her to be. She is not doing you any harm and it is you who are making it an issue and life difficult for your son. Enjoy the time with your son and GC and let her enjoy her book and space. Stop trying to make her fit into the mould you want. Then you won't be at your wits' end.