Living with someone with strongly opposing political views

I have strong political opinions...I suspect I'd be more in your husband's camp than yours. I have found some people can have a calm dispassionate argument about religion, politics etc - even if they totally disagree with you (I think I'm like that) while others flounce off, get furious... I do NOT engage in such conversations with the latter type. Why bother? I'm not going to convert them. Yes, I think theyre naive/ stupid/ wrong, but I can't fix that so I talk about less emotive topics. It's hard...a family member was posting on Facebook about how it's fine for mothers to smoke pot. I would like it to be an imprisonable offence. But I'm not going to alienate this person (who I like!) so I said nothing. Although on other forums I've said a lot! How silly to stress a marriage over something neither of you has any power over whatever. Agree to disagree and do something nice.!

"It amazes me that posters couldn’t contemplate life with a partner who likes a ciggie or who votes different,y to thenselves! What do they want from love, a clone of themselves? grin"

lemongrove, surely there are things you'd find unacceptable in a life partner? Otherwise, you could be 'in love' with any random person.

GabriellaG, "As for coming on here to ask us to endorse (or not) your stance on politics..."
The OP didn't do that, she asked for others' experiences of having different political views in a marriage.

Wow lemon! As 2 non-smokers you and DH would really allow someone to light up in your home?
No-one smokes in my house but then the only visitor who smokes is DiL and she always goes outside (or does without).
Back to topic - I had a long relationship with a man who didn't vote for the same party but whose politics were not diametrically opposite. On the other hand, I met a man who made it clear that he was not only a card-carrying tory but was also seeking a domestic goddess who knew her place was in the kitchen. No second date!
Simple!!

What you don't say MeltingMacaron is how you argue your point. Do you respect his views or do you spout left wing Guardian text at him? Personally, I can't see the point in arguing about it as it will be what it will be. The Referendum gave us the answer of what the majority of who voted wanted. Most of us, Remain or Leave don't like the way things are going with the Government's negotiations. I hardly think that an ardent Remainer can't see that, from a Leaver's point of view, that they may be sold down the river with what May's Government wants just as Remainer's may feel bitter that the Referendum didn't go their way. Can't you just agree that at this rate, everybody is going to lose out in some way...that's what compromise does most often.

Don't discuss politics. It's not a cop out if it makes your relationship easier.

It's not just for you not to discuss, tell him not to discuss either. Accept you both have different views, and agree to differ on political issues.

Concentrate on the positives of your lives and make the most of them - go out for a meal, a drink, a walk, etc. to encourage and maintain a closeness between you.

I would also leave reading the newspapers for a while!

As a Couples Therapist, I am wondering if some counselling might help?
This isn’t just about Brexit, it is about very different world views. That’s fine as long as there is mutual respect, but it sounds as if the Brexit issue has become a hook to hang other feelings on.
Just a thought.

maccy I believe your view is the same as mine.
It isn't just about not/discussing current politics it's about principles and 'world views' developed over a lifetime.

Luckily my husband and I hold similar views regarding Brexit, we both voted to leave.

regarding the OP's post, wondering whether there have been other issues/disagreements in which strong opinions have been held, and the 'Brexit' argument is the straw that broke the camel's back.

I don't think I could have got involved with someone with an extreme opposite political (or religious slant) in the first place. Neither would I be suited to someone who didn't love animals, believe in good discipline, smoke or do drugs, not be financially savvy etc. It would be just asking for trouble in the relationship somewhere down the line. If you want to stay together then you need to avoid hot topics and let him discuss those with his like minded friends.

You said you read the Telegraph to get a balanced view so that's an admission by you that the Guardian doesn't give one!! However, the way you describe him as 'intelligent' but still a Brexiteer is condescending, as if only your opinion is correct. It's not right wing to believe that your country should rule itself. It's a sensible opinion that more than half of those who bothered to vote held. We've been in the EU/Common Market since 1973, the vote was to try something else now. Accept it, don't argue about it and move on.

Just make the point that you have 'cancelled each other out' in your in/out votes. However, if he continues to be so difficult over something that neither of you have any control, I cannot see a future in this relationship.

My daughters voted differently from me so we never discuss it - saves arguments.

I suppose it depends upon the level of respect that each of you show for the other’s opinions. I was raised in a highly political family where the debate peppered every meal. I am blest with the most fantastic partner who is on the same side but obviously we differ on some things. We as partners always have to find our way through various difficulties via compromise but if his response is simply to become defensive and aggressive then finding a way back to discussion should be the first step. Good luck !

Honestly, as you disagree at present, I'd try to have conversation and interests in other things. There is so much none of us can know about how it will develop over the next few years. Don't let hypotheses spoil your good relationship. If he seems keen on argument, just bat it away with a few 'Well I really don't knows' - we don't do we, any of us.

I could no more live with a smoker than I could a Brexit supporter.
Both are anti social traits.

Surely one chooses a partner because you like that person and that must include the beliefs and values s/he has - if it’s becoming clear that you don’t share these then what basis is your relationship founded upon?

I never know my right from my left politically. I'm often asked in surveys but usually go for the "don't know" option. I am not too particularly aware and articles on Brexit I find confusing - for instance I have no knowledge about hard and soft Brexits.
I voted to leave and I haven't changed my mind - I just wish they'd get a move on, get agreements for what benefits US and get out!

Interesting diversity of views in this post and it reminds me once again that for some reason Brexit is a hugely emotional issue. You can argue 'the facts' for ever and still masses of people simply stick to their own viewpoint. I was with some friends of 40 odd years a couple of Sundays back and Brexit was introduced as a subject for an after dinner chat with disasterous results. We are rational intelligent people who were into a vehement argument within ten minutes - and no I didnt keep a cool head - the only ones who did kept silent, which I dont personally agree with. Luckily the OH and I voted the same way (Remain).

I don't suppose brexit will go ahead or not based on anyone arguing with their friends and family.
I honestly cannot see the point but that is just my opinion.
I wonder if people who have fallen out over it will still consider it to be such a worthy thing on their deathbeds?

FarNorth...you ask me ‘surely there are things you would find unacceptable in a life partner’
Well of course there would be a long list, a career criminal,
A pervert, a womaniser, a liar, a fantasist etc etc.
None of which is the point.
Having a DH who liked a cigarette or voted differently wouldn’t make me love him any less though.

Your post saying ‘wow’ made me smile mcem
Yes, guests and visitors ( who don’t chainsmoke btw) are welcome to have a cigarette when here with us.
An open window and (when they are gone) a blast of air freshener does the job.
They don’t actually blow smoke in our faces.

You have my sympathy, but I fear that is all I can offer. I am absolutely not suggesting that you end your relationship. I hope you can make it work, but I know I could never have a partner who had those views, let alone one who ridiculed my opposing views. Political and religious belief reflects a persons view of the world and for me, it’s crucial for my partner and I to hold largely the same philosophy on fairness, compassion, tolerance etc. All of which is expressed through politics.

I’ve noticed that many people who support Brexit are becoming more and more aggressive in their arguments. I think it’s because they know in their hearts that the U.K. has made a big mistake in voting to leave the EU but are too proud to admit that they are in the wrong. I hope, MeltingMacaron, that come the day you are able to hold your tongue and refrain from saying to your partner “I told you so.”

Honestly! Its no wonder tempers flare.

It is interesting to note that more often than not, Brexiteers do not belittle Remainers but that respect is not returned. There are lots of people on here who may find that they might be having to hold their tongue if we leave and do well. As somebody who would love to Remain in the EEC but not be part of a Federal Europe, I find myself with a foot in both camps but even if I weren't, I hope I would respect another human being making the decision with which they felt comfortable providing it wasn't an extreme view.

Been married 42 years, I do disagree with DH on a lot of things. He is a Trump supporter and much more to the right than I am. He is much more traditional in every respect than I am but somehow we make it work. I tend to say 'Yes Dear' and listen to him then make my own mind up. We both read the Times.