Living with a joysucker

Seaside, I lived with a joysucker for 25 years. We always had to go where he wanted to and do what he wanted. He didn't like spending money on meals,theatre, hotels etc.If I wanted to do anything different I did it on my own. If it interfered with something he wanted to do he would moan because he had COPD and couldn't/wouldn't go out on his own.

Maw and Lizzie: the reason I put up with it- it was all part of his bullying and controlling personality which gradually ate away at my confidence and will-power. He died 10 years ago but it has taken a couple of years of counselling for me to regain my confidence and feel that I am a worthwhile person. I am only now feeling in charge of my own life again.

I wish I'd had some of your excellent advice years ago.

All very interesting and I feel very sorry for all the unhappy people out there. I have a DH who is always critical about everything. And he doesn't like anything new or exotic. So we listen to music we have heard for 42 years and he always likes the same predictable food. Shepherd's pie etc.
He had a Scottish Presbyterian upbringing and I think it has stuck him in a time warp.
He's a big softie though and generous to a fault so I stick with him.
But think of the alternative life I will have if he goes first! A dog, lots of holidays , unusual food, Mozart. And lots of visitors.!

Apart from the Mozart that's exactly my life now. It may sound selfish but I'm doing what I want and living life to the full.

But think of the alternative life I will have if he goes first! A dog, lots of holidays , unusual food, Mozart. And lots of visitors

Be careful what you wish for

I was very tied to the house especially in the last year of Paw’s life. Now I can get out and about at will either alone or with friends, but there is nobody to tell about it when I come back to an empty house and “nobody to do nothing with”!

I've got one of those! But when I get grumpy I'm told he's got enough on without having a grumpy wife!

Must say I do have a shred of sympathy over the lack of leg room - happens in so many older theatres and I hate it. At 5' 7" I'm not particularly tall - what it must be like for anyone of six foot plus I dread to think.

It's one reason I love our new local theatre - plenty of leg room wherever you're sitting - and plenty of loos so there's never a long queue!

As for general moaning, my dds did say it just once a few years ago - 'You're starting to sound like Granny!' - which shut me up good and proper - I do try not to sound like a grumpy old bag now.

There may be many reasons why seasider's DH was such a misery, but unless this was a rarity it sounds like coercive control, reminds me so much of how Rob Titchener started his campaign.
I'm sure this isn't anything like that, God forbid but it sounds like it to an outsider.
Sorry Seasider, go with a friend next time.

This is so sad and, as Monica and someone else (sorry!) said, a form of domestic abuse. We all walk on eggshells with our other halves sometimes but that is flipping miserable. What a very selfish attitude.

Perhaps be assertive, but not aggressive. As someone earlier said, you could say 'That clearly was not your thing, so in future I will do us both a favour and I will go with a girlfriend and you can do something you would like to do. You might prefer to stay home and watch a favourite film with something nice to eat and a glass of something special. I will enjoy my trip to the theatre and have a nice meal out so that we both have had a treat.

Seasider - what I'm not sure about is if this is the kind of thing your DH would never like, and if so, why you were given the tickets; and if he enjoys other things.

I'm sorry to say that if someone asked me to describe an evening that I would hate, it would be your outing (and worse, an expensive horrible evening). So no-one gives us those gifts. I'm not criticising your taste (to each their own) Just saying that I would struggle to smile my way through all of that.

I do have some things I like to do without DH, and have a small 'entertainment budget' for me to do this. My kids sometime give me a gift voucher to add to it. Could you have an occasional evening out to enjoy, on your own or with friends?

We also have plenty of things we enjoy together - but both of us tend to have tastes that are inexpensive and local, so not stretching the budget too far!

Oh my goodness. This thread has made me feel so much better. (Sorry but it's true). I thought I was the only person living like this. Luckily I have good friends to go out with and I am happy to do things on my own if necessary, but it is not how I imagined retirement would be.
I know some of you wonder why we put up with it but it's not always financially possible to break away at our time of life.

Have you told him how it makes you feel? If not you could try but if he doesn’t get it I definitely agree with others, go alone or with friends .Otherwise It’s like having all the joy squeezed out of you & the occasion.

I have the same. I never know what mood he’s going to be in when we go out, which is rarely. I tend to go it alone, as it’s so much more enjoyable. I have recently moved to Edinburgh and fortunately there’s plenty to do for singletons.

Grandma60, that is true

Thank you so everybody for the replies just sorry to see how many people are dealing with men who behave in a similar way! I would have loved to go with a friend but as it was s present for both of us I would have felt bad. I think he just wanted to sit and watch the Commonwealth Games!
He does suffer with depression and anxiety but medication and counselling have made him a lot better and I have learned he needs to have lots of notice of any outing whereas I am very spontaneous. I love going out without him really as I don't have to worry if he is ok. It's his daughter's birthday next week. She is at university close to us so I have suggested we go over and take her out for tea. He told a friend I am always dropping surprises on him not sure how her birthday could be a surprise

When I read posts like these, I realise how lucky I am to be on my own. It may be lonely at times but when I'm out and about and I see so many couples looking miserable with each other and I'm happy doing whatever I'm doing at the time. Life's short, don't let old misery spoil your life, next time go with a friend and enjoy your treat. In my opinion he acted ungratefully, controlling and thoughtless towards you and the gift giver. Learn from the experience and make sure you don't give him the chance to do it again. Such a party pooper - feel sorry that he spoiled it for you Seasider.

Hello Seasider I'm so sorry to hear about your miserable day thanks to your "joy sucker", love that expression, it's very emotive! I've no idea what to say to you because I've got one at home too! Keep your pecker up love.

This thread is so very sad.

Marriage, to me, means a partnership of working together and compromising to come to an agreement which suits both of you.

I know I am only hearing one side of the story and can’t really judge but, if your life is so miserable with your husband, would you not be happier on your own?

My own marriage is not perfect, whose is but we manage to work things out between us.

I hope I didn’t come across as smug, not my intention, just so sad at reading these posts thinking, life’s too short to be so unhappy for such a long time.

A long, long time ago , Grampy was a bit like this. For some years he got away with it until one day I woke up and thought ‘I’m done’.

I waited for the right moment, sat him down and told him that I was not going to carry on that way, I was clear that I stayed with him because I loved him not because I had to !

He had to decide what he wanted.

It didn’t happen overnight but we’ve been married for 43 years now and whilst he isn’t perfect , he’s a changed man . If I hadn’t had that difficult conversation we wouldn’t still be married .

They only get away with it if they’re allowed to I feel.

Silly to say this but I'm so relieved to read that I'm not the only one who has a "mood hoover" at home! Mine is just the same, moans we do nothing but the minute I suggest anything that doesn't involve food or alcohol for entertainment and he's a moan a minute. He delights in reading the weather and telling me how bad its going to be, how bad the traffic will be (for every journey) He's the only one at work who can do the job properly, almost any situation he has a negative bent on? It used to get me down but now I play the "let's say something nice game" and it's become my favourite game. I used to get wound up but now I give him one chance to say yes to something or I go and do it alone or with a friend and I refuse to have my happy nature squashed by his negativity. Its taken a while but be strong, just think blah blah blah in your head when he's moaning and get on and do more things that you like and leave him to it. Life is too short to be laid low by miserable partners. X

Had similar experiences with my OH, holidays, parties, outings which he has spoilt by getting into moods or because he didn't like the company, the food, the entertainment...and so on!! After many years of putting up with it I solved the problem by going without him!!! Unfortunately now he suffers with health issues both physical and mental which means I can't leave him on his own to go away on holiday, unless he has a "babysitter" but I go out without him to theatre trips, concerts etc.

In his defence it is extremely uncomfortable with not enough leg room. When booking the theatre we always book an aisle seat so DH can stretch his legs. I wouldn't call it bullying to ask to change seats at all! Also £24 is a ridiculous car parking charge! Im sorry he didn't enjoy the show tbough. I know it spoils my enjoyment when DH doesn't enjoy something. However I think some of yoy are being a bit harsh to him! Dh can be grumpy or moody sometimes but usually isn't and I know I have my faults too!

The op says he sucks the joy out of any situation, not just this one.

MawBroon
We had a thread some time ago on this subject. I gave the other side of the coin and was told "it's alright for some" and that I was boasting.
I can fully understand how sad this is making you