Devastated

Man saying a sex with a prostitute
Is the same as a women have a facial.
No I don’t think so ....

Npanteli61 my heart goes out to you. You must be devastated.
I am usually of the opinion that, unless physical or mental abuse is involved, it is worth trying to save a long term, previously strong marriage.
What your dh has done is such a horrible betrayal of trust and I suppose you have to ask yourself if you can live with this knowledge eating away at you for ever more. Personally I know I couldn’t.
Maybe you are strong enough and love him enough to see it through, only you know that.
Be calm, be brave and do what’s best for you.

CrazyH you can’t say “he loves you” about a man who has been betraying his wife with prostitutes over an extended period. And ReadyMeals what is with this “it’s just prostitutes”??
Not a definition of “love” I understand.
He wants it both ways. I suggest he moves out while you consider your position, although it is pretty clear cut to me.

So sorry you are in this dark place. I think you are shocked you thought you probably had shared values and principles. Please belive men do not equate paid sex with love. My father told my brothers quite clearly that there are those women who's company you enjoy occasionally and those women you bring home to meet you mother and sisters. I cannot make any judgement on any woman who works as a prostitute as they all have reasons not always through choice. What I would make a judgement on is whether I will trust my husband not to let me down again. Please give him another chance. I'm sorry but in my experience of men they do tend to do one thing at a time and compartmentalise. Let him hate himself for a while. Let yourself be very hurt and displaced by this but offer another opportunity to redeem himself. To be honest it's all a bit pathetic and expensive.

Hello again Npanteli61 Sorry -I missed some of page 1 when I wrote to you before but it does not change my advice, please find a Counsellor for yourself, your GP should help.
This shock and the complications about your relationship with this man are huge. I really want you to get help, you deserve the best support available. I was shocked to see, though not surprised, that he did not confess but that you discovered his behaviour by chance. So he could have gone on for several more years had he not changed his phone and you would have had no idea! This does mean you need to step back and look hard at your relationship. He is not the person you thought he was. Bluebelle puts it strongly and accurately and it may be a good thing for you to take on board her message. I agree too when she says that the argument "men need sex" is not acceptable or excusable at all. What is true is that marriage needs trust and honesty, faithfulness and openness. He might have endangered your health and now you need to have testing for STIs. I am so sorry!
I suspect his "best friend and soul-mate" act is what he does out of guilt and so as to stop you leaving. Now he's been found out he needs to keep you on his side and make you feel sorry for him. Yet for 3 years he led a double life. He secretly spent money on these women, that is deceitful in itself, let alone the sordid sexual activity.
I'm sorry, but you must find someone to talk to, even if you go back to your friends where you used to live. I really hope you find help soon, dear girl, do take care of yourself.

Are you 100% sure he's been with prostitutes or is it the same woman he's been seeing all the time and is now dismissing as one to cover up?

Not only has he betrayed you he has put your health in danger for a long time, remember he is only admitting to 3 years it may be much longer, such good advice here about getting help. Find out how you stand financially etc and let him go.

There is a saying that men like their wives to be ladies In public but an whore in bed. Maybe he likes to treat you like a lady at all times and he releases his animalistic traits with the other “ladies”. On the positive side at least he is not having a full blown affair it’s just lust not love. Don’t blame yourself he’s the one who has the need to look for extra for reasons best known to himself.

Oh blimey! I go along with the advice from the other gransnetters. Just sending you a virtual hug ..... You must be in shock. Do we ever know anyone xxx

The man you have been married to for many years has been living a secret life and, in my mind, could never be trusted again. Who's to say it's 'only' been going on for 3 years. On top of that betrayal of trust there's all that money that's been taken from the family purse that you didn't know about. He's only sorry because he's been caught and this behaviour would have continued if he hadn't been found out and it's no good him pretending otherwise.

You may decide to forgive him and move on but you will never be able to forget it. Personally, I'd tell him to leave and confide in your family as they were the reason that you moved. I'm sorry that your husband has been such a disappointment and your new life will not turn out as you thought it would. He has risked everything for a few moments of pleasure.

Surely if he loved you he would not have cheated on you. It cannot be forgiven. It would have gone on for years if you hadn't accidentally found out. Hugs for you

Avoid kneejerk reactions. You can, with honesty and the will to make things work, get through this. He had made some bad choices, but as you refer to him as your best friend and soulmate, it sounds as if you love each other.
You could end up with a better relationship with each other if you both want it to work.
It will require hard work but if you want to you can do it.

Some comments say that prostitutes are preferable to a mistress but I beg to differ.
Prostitutes have sexual encounters with many men, often several in one day/night and those same men are also having sex with other prostitutes whereas a mistress is most often involved with just one other.
A mistress is, to me, the lesser of two 'evils'.

Realistically lots of men are using prostitutes and their wives don't know. I grew up in a red light area and went to grammar school in a posh area. At 13 and 14 I saw dads of school friends kerb crawling, even had one try to pick me up, he didn't recognize me but his face the next time he saw me with his daughter was a picture.

I lived near a maternity hospital, end of visiting time was the rush hour for the working girls.

What I am saying is he isn't unique and lots of women who would be horrified at this are probably living with men who do just the same.

I think you just have to go with your own gut feelings, it is difficult but there isn't one right answer.

What exactly is he hating himself for? Betraying you for 3 years? Exploiting trafficked women? Because if they're East European they will be slaves, having to have sex multiple times a day with men like your husband who are old enough to be their father. Sorry for getting caught? Only you can decide. Please don't entertain the sunken costs fallacy, I personally couldn't get past this.

I’m so sorry for you, what a horrible situation.
Was it one woman or many? If only one then surely there must be some emotional attachment? But I’m no expert it’s only a gut feeling.
The awful thing is knowing that he isn’t the man you thought he was. I don’t know what I would do but I think it would kill any trust in him.
First things first, get your health checked please, ASAP, however difficult that may be for you. If you think your marriage has a chance of surviving then he too has to have these health checks and I would insist on going with him to make sure he did - and there it is, all trust gone ...
Only you know what you can cope with but, in the absence of your RL friends, we’re all here for you.

Npanteli 61, you must be utterly devastated, especially finding out as you did. What is his excuse, three years is a long time, I hope there havent been many women he has visited, you must get a health check ASAP. Its unbelievable this has gone on for so long, and the amount of money spent on this behaviour.I hope it gets sorted for you, I hope you get help, you have our support on GN, sending hugs to you.

Npanteli 61 I can just imagine how you are feeling now because I have been in a similar situation although he wasn't paying for sex. I even got as far as getting a decree nisi before the reason for most of his bad behaviour was revealed to be PTSD. We met up again and he was a broken man but there was a spark there and now we are very happy together. Nobody can say what they would do until it happens to them. So take your time and if you both want to carry on being together you do need to have counselling to get over it. I bless the counsellor who helped my DH because she has helped to change his outlook on life. ((((Hugs)))) because I am sure your are literally trembling and not knowing where to turn today.

Oh I'm so sorry to read your post. Three years is a long time to have been doing this, and it's not just the sex, it's the deceit involved and trust that has been lost.

You are in shock at the moment, so nothing will make sense until you give yourself some time to think.

It may be possible to forgive and carry on, but I guess that's whether you CAN forgive. He may never do it again, but then he may well start again once the dust has settled.

I wish I could write some words to take away the hurt you must be feeling right now, but I know they will not do.

What you can be sure of is that you are welcome to friendship on here and, if you feel a connection with any of us, you can also send us private messages if you feel it would help. This includes me.

Treat yourself with love and compassion, and give yourself the chance and space to think about what you really want. The future has not yet happened, so concentrate on the today and take each day as it comes.

Taking up Yoga, Tai Chi or a meditation class can help to create a sense of calmness in the storm. Have a look if there are any classes you could attend or, if not, perhaps a DVD might be worth getting.

I wish you well, and hope that you will be able to come through this. xx

So sorry to hear this, but having been betrayed by my husband of (at the time) 24 years (he joined a dating site specifically for married people looking for an extramarital affair and met several women, at least one of whom he had sex with on a few occasions at a hotel while I was at work), and him then going on to join said site at least 3 more times, I have to say leopards don't change their spots. This all started in 2013. We moved house and county in 2015 and a year later (Xmas Day 2016) he left me and went to live with a woman he'd met a few weeks earlier. I heard recently that he's married her. I spent much of last year divorcing him. Best thing I ever did. No more shenanigans, no more false promises, no more lies or cheating. This is his third marriage (I was his second wife - met him when he'd been divorced 2 years). My advice to you is to look after yourself, get your health checked, and decide what YOU want. Can you forgive your husband? After I discovered the initial betrayal, the trust went and things went downhill after that.

What a shock for you. I'd be first and foremost getting checked for HIV and all the rest and getting to do the same and can't imagine sex with him before the results - at the very least. T h I expect I'd like to have my own too. After

This will take time to work through. Prostitution is unlike an affair. I'd be more upset about the health aspect from my risk point of view. If you are ok with the rest of your relationship you may decide to keep two rooms. A sudden decision would not be helpful

Oh dear, what a shock! My heart is breaking for yours!

I agree with those who say not to make any decisions about the marriage while you're in shock. Give yourself time to think and to sort out your feelings. If you really feel he is your "best friend" and "soul mate," you'll need to give this a lot of thought.

But definitely agree that you should get a health check. So should he.

And I hate to say it, but, honey, since you found out the way you did, who knows what's true? Maybe it has been more than 3 years. Maybe he's really seeing a gf and just said "prostitutes" to throw you off the track.

He says he doesn't want the marriage to end. But is he willing to give up his "extracurricular activities?" Maybe go to marriage counseling with you to figure out how this happened and how to move forward? Answers to these questions may not solve everything, but, imo, they will give you clues as to what to do next.

Lots of (((hugs))) and xxx.

Get rid of this low life. If you where seeing male escorts for 3 years I bet he would have dumped you right away.
3 years with prostitutes. Why would you even contemplate living with him anymore.
Best Wishes
Joseph Grennell

He would be missing an important part of his anatomy if he was my OH

Get yourself a health check is your first priority. Then if it was me I would have to sit him down and get all the 'why and wherefore' s ' I'd need to know if it is random ones or just the one or two. Their age would also be important and the cost plus the actual lowdown on what happens ( again that could just be me but I have to have full facts before I react. )