Devastated

Luzdoh, I like what you said. When was in my own trouble I felt too ashamed to seek help from anyone I knew, Fortunately for me I met someone who knew about the less attractive aspects of relationship trouble. Also I could afford the cost of some counselling.
I'd have loved some of what you recommended but it was not available to me. Except for my dogs. What was more consolation than anything were a chance remark from my daughter in law, and a humorous comment from a woman I did not know from whom I went to buy a bed ! These comments allowed me to feel normal and part of the human race instead of shut inside a nightmare.

Yes Alexa taking back control when something terrible happens is one of the best steps towards coping with it. In the immediate shock of the discovery, people usually need support and often need somebody to look after them which is why I recommend our Npanteli to talk to a friend and go to her doctor.

Npanteli explained she is devastated, which is not surprising. It would take a very unnatural person not to feel sorry for someone who had happen to them what she has gone through. People commiserating, supporting, comforting a person in distress is a good human reaction and most people feel better for such support when experiencing the shock of something awful in their life.

I am sure that Grannyactivist feels for Npanteli. Most of all I think that someone seeking help wants to feel normal and not some hopeless victim. When I have been in trouble the last thing I wanted was people feeling sorry for me.

Alexa I have read grannyactivist's words and do not find she is "telling Npanteli what she should believe." as you say. Did you not see that she was giving some valuable first-hand experience of witnessing her dear friend's reactions to the same situation? This puts her in a good position to have concerns for poor Npanteli and to give advice.

Npanteli, I said a long time ago, please
-go to your GP straight away,
-explain you need an STD check because of your husband's adultery,
-and ask your Doctor to arrange for you to see a Counsellor as a matter of urgency.
We are all supporting you, look after yourself my love.

Alexa, I agree that Npanteli has to sort out her own feelings about this and that counseling may help. However, I don't think anyone here is trying to tell her what to believe. Some are stating their own beliefs - "it's just sex" or "it's not just sex," etc. - but the OP still gets to choose who she agrees with.

Npanteli, I'm glad this thread has helped and wish you the best, no matter what you decide! Please come back & tell us how it all turns out.

Grannyactivist, whether or not my feelings about Npanteli's original message are the same as yours doesn't matter very much. What matters is that Npanteli gets through her difficult time without making it worse, and actually making it better.

My objection to your post is because your tone although sympathetic is about telling Npanteli what she should believe. You are not the only responder who has done this. It is for Npanteli to decide this for herself which a well qualified counsellor will help her to do.

You are right grannyactivist, it is also exploitation of your trust and another woman who probably thinks she has no choice about how to make her living.

I am stunned at the many posters who see this as 'just sex'. It is a complete betrayal of trust, it is lies and deceit, it is shame and rejection and humiliation. A dear friend is in the same position as Npanteli and is traumatised to the point where I am afraid that when she gets through this she will be found to suffer with PTSD. She is blaming herself, questioning why she is not enough, feeling she is unattractive (she is drop dead gorgeous). Having insisted on checks for STI's it has just been confirmed that he has one and she is now awaiting the results of her own test. What causes me particular anger is that hardly anyone knows because she is so ashamed!!
It is NOT just sex.

Npanteli, I am not sure what upsets you about his using prostitutes. Paying their fees from our shared bank account without telling me? Not asking me to do what the prostitute is good at? Not being contented with me as I am? Having a large sex drive? Deceiving me? Not a respectable way to behave what if your friends found out?Making me worry about sex?

All of those and more?

Whether or not you can forgive him depends on what exactly you would be forgiving? Why not get counselling to help you make up your mind? I'd not destroy his self esteem whatever you decide to do.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Thank you all for your helpful comments. Still very hard to comprehend what has happened but you have all helped in your own way. Again thank you

Finding ones partner is having an affair is upsetting and you question why. Finding ones partner is associating with prostitutes then add to upsetting, humiliation.Rest assured it is not love, purely sexual gratification.Please don't take this the wrong way and it can happen to any one of us but as we grow older and the longer the marriage we can become 'comfortable' with each other. We did things in those days we don't do now. We see each other in a different light. I recall one of my late elderly relatives referring to his wife as 'mother' .Never wife. Familiarity in a partnership/husband / wife is not a reason for DH to go searching for a' bit' elsewhere. Have you ever asked why he needs to do this? I would first get yourself checked for any infections, if you are still having intimacy, then make an appointment with Relate. They will ask questions of DH you may not want to ask. You are more than head cook and bottle washer in this marriage so get help.

To add to my post above.
I'd be on my knees with pain but he'd never know it.
While I'm deciding if I'll be letting him stay in my life
( "may give you a chance may not-I'll let you know")
I'd also be inclined to insist he spends the same weekly amount on me as he's been paying for prostitutes.
I'm worth it by far more than them.
No choice in it, I'd want his time, his money.
Hed have to devote the same amount of one to one time and money to me every week.
Then I may consider his pleas.

While you think about this you should make him leave.
He needs to have a sharp shock and realise that every action has a reaction.
Even if you are devastated you can put a brave and angry face on this and throw him out.
Otherwise basically he has not reaped the consequences of such disgusting lies.
You don't have to mean it. Just have to take some sort of action to make him think.
All this talking and misery is letting him live in the same safe environment and means his callous actions have no serious repercussion on him.
Men understand action not words.
Have him back if your heart says so. But let him think he's lost you.
Perhaps he might realise the devastation he's heaped on his life.

I sincerely hope he didn't come out with the pathetic platitude "but it's only sex - it doesn't mean anything!"

Sex is the most intimate physical act between two people and to have someone dismiss it as pretty much nothing won't make you feel any better or less confused.

Frankly, this is what a guy thinks is a Get-Out-Of-Jail card when they've been caught with both hands in the cookie jar.......it makes them feel better, I suppose, the thoughtless twats!

The first thing I would do is to get yourself checked out to ensure you've not been given any STD's. Horrible I know but you need to ensure yoyre safe.
Secondly was it his idea to move closer to your grandchildren and away from the area he was seeing the prostitutes? If it was then he obviously wants to try and change.
Thirdly I would ask him why he needed to see them in the first place.
If he really wants to change & save your marriage then he needs good professional help.
If you choose to forgive him then you have to do it 100%. You can't in the future throw it back in his face.
Good luck in whatever you decide

I think anyone trollhunting on the Relationships Board is a bloody disgrace. Just report your suspicions as you are supposed to do - if you are wrong, you add to the distress of the poster, if you are right HQ will deal with it.

Are you certain that he is seeing prostitutes or could it be that he has been having an affair for 3 years with another woman and is lying to you?

Have a Duvet Day with lots of sleep.

Ask him to provide you with what you need in the way of food and drinks... ..try to keep off alcohol though.

Then when you feel stronger have some good talking sessions.

Only time will help you to cope with the shock and to help you decide on your future.

All I can say is "All the Best."


..

No wonder you are devastated. Some really good advice here and I agree that taking care of yourself is very important.

He may try to use emotional manipulation to get you to feel sorry for him. Or he may be so sorry that you do feel sorry for him. You may do what so many women do and go into the role of carer rather than caring for yourself.

If there is one thing I could ask you to do (not really my place to ask you to do anything) it would be to put You first.

Take Care of yourself FIRST. Take the time that YOU NEED to find some sort of calm/stability before you get tempted into taking care of his feelings.

My cynical self wants to say he's done a very good job, for a long time, of taking care of himself with little or no thought to you so he can deal with the fall out from this without your support while you sort yourself out.

But it is your life and your pain so you must do what is right for you.

And as other folks have said take your time. Do what is right for you once you've had time to process this trauma.

I hope you have found some support here on GN and like may others I'll be willing to be on-line support if it helps.

Hugs to you and may you find a good outcome.

I agree with other please get a health check and only you can decide what to do. I forgave my now ex husband for cheating only for him to do it again so I divorced him. Have you thought of calling relate or even asking your doctor to put you in touch with someone. Please do what is right for you.

I had similar happen, although via a dodgy online site. Caught him out. Could not forgive. It was so utterly base and degrading. Never mind all the money he was squandering. Loads of men do it, obvs, that’s why there are so many ‘massage’ parlours, online hook-up sites etc. But I hate the whole exploitation of it.

Oh how I disagree that prostitution is different and better than an affair They are both deceitful, both a betrayal, both hurt as much just because one involves money and is more businesslike doesn’t make it any better. Three years ! and can you be sure it was three is it just a number he plucked out the air could it have been longer did anything happen three years ago ?
The poster did come back at 7 am this morning lemon grove and others and added that he had been about to walk into the ‘prostitutes’ house when she found out .....so he really was caught in the act no wonder he had to confess so not a brothel but a private house , ummmm it gets worse

Truly devastating for you. You now need to look after yourself, first step maybe a GP apt followed by (at the very least) moving him into a spare bedroom. After that then you need lots of time to get over the shock and decide what's best for you, take your time, some big decisions ahead. Take care.

It is half term.......