Downsizing/moving when husband won't face aging practicalities

I sympathise. Would it be a good idea to not mention it for a month and see if it has sown a seed? Have you any children? Could they talk to their dad? Perhaps he needs more time to come to terms with his failing health. Wishing you well.

I am not that age yet, but I have come across plenty of people like your husband.

Do you have any time away from him?

If you went away for a week or a few days for instance, to stay with a friend or relative, how would he cope?
It could be a bit of an eye opener for him.

Some people do not want to face the evidence that they have health and mobility problems. It reminds them of their mortality and possible memories of parents and relations getting old and vulnerable and possibly the irritation they felt when saw older family members becoming unable to do things.

I suspect that could be a problem with your DH. He doesn't want to admit that he can no longer walk to the shops, might even be reaching a time when he cannot drive.

Could you make a lot of the discussion about you, about what you are having difficulty doing, if necessary, exaggerate your problems, express your desire to move, rather than emphasise his problems.

It is very much a man thing.

Thanks for that idea MOnica. I thought about things after I posted & wondered if it is more to do with coming to terms with things generally. He is somebody who lived for his work & would have carried on forever if his health hadn't prevented it. His friendships & interests were work related, so he has found retirement very hard.

Monica that is exactly what I am doing. I am a full time carer for my husband who has complex mobility problems. My husband has been in denial about his lack of mobility for a number of years and we, or rather I, are able to cope with our current house just. My husband loves our house and where we live but I know that soon we will have to face reality and look for a bungalow or flat. I have gradually been planting seeds about our current house not being suitable for us in the future but have said that it is me that is struggling to cope and have not mentioned his problems. You could have knocked me down with a feather when I recently and very cautiously showed him a bungalow not too far from us and he said 'I would move in there tomorrow if it makes life easier for you'. We are now looking at our options so don't give up wilygran

shabby that sounds to be the perfect solution. Also it is better to move while you still can. I live on my own and have decided to stay here. Slowly over the years I have been getting my house re-organised so that I can live here safely. I recognise that because of my failing eyesight my driving days are limited but I will have to get mini cabs and when I weigh up the cost of insurance, petrol etc. I may well have money in my pocket! On line shopping for me is a boon.

wilygran I agree with others, he may listen if you are (supposedly) having problems coping.

When I suggested to a friend that at some point we will find the house and garden too much to cope with he pointed out that the cost of selling and moving would pay for an awful lot of help in house and garden. He had a point. Wilygran why don't you suggest getting help around the place because you can't cope and give him the costs to think about. It might be enough to persuade him.

So glad I posted and got such useful feedback. I have thought about adapting our present home (I dread the whole process of moving!), but it's location, which was fine for us when we moved here -fit & in our late 50s - is the biggest problem.
I'll take all the advice on board. Many thanks.

We thought about moving and had a lovely Apartment with sea view lined up but we both love our detached house, garden and the area in which we live so are staying put, good bus service something not many villages have these days also great GPs and Dentist. I've always had a cleaning lady but we now employ a gardener/handyman and if the day ever comes when we cannot manage the stairs we'll install a stair lift.

Definitely get some help in the house Wilygran, good luck.

We moved 2 years ago to a bungalow from a five bed family home in the country. We were managing-just-but should have moved 8 years previously following DH's heart attack. He was in denial for a long, long time about his health and staying in our house was part of making him feel 'normal'. He made a very good recovery regarding his heart but he does have PVD to contend with. What finally tipped the balance was money!! We were paying for more help every year and DH finally agreed enough was enough. Our bungalow suits us perfectly and even the garden is low maintenance. Don't give up hope-never thought I'd get mine to move but here we are.

It took my DH some years to get into the mindset of down sizing. I talked about it now and again and let the idea grow.
Once we had started sprucing up the house with a view to selling, ( this took a couple of years! ) DH started to make comments " when we sell ".

Once it was on the market and sold, I viewed suitable houses first and then did a second viewing with him. It seemed to work!

Nearly everyone we know is currently planning to move house....we feel smug as we did it a few years ago ( and glad that we did, it doesn't get easier the older you get.)

We know that we will be able to manage where we are. We had two neighbours whose health declined for different reasons and both were able to stay at home. One had a stair lift fitted and the other had the integral garage made into a bedroom and wet room.
There are lots of gardening services available locally but we are adjusting the garden as we go to make it easier to manage.
Our house is on the flat, decent shops a few minutes away and a bus service to town at the end of the road. Although internet shopping is brilliant.
So, what I'm saying is, you have to start planning for this much earlier than you think.
And we're sowing seeds into youngest DGC's ears (aged 7 and 6) that when they're teenagers they can have a job here mowing lawn and cleaning.

Don't you find those stair-lifts slow, we had one and then had a down stair loo fitted for dear old fil.

I am in almost the same position as you Wilygran. My husband (77) has mobility problems and, although we live in a small cottage (with no stairs) It is in the middle of the country in Ireland. DH accepts that 'perhaps' we will have to move back to uk but when I set things in motion he changes his mind! To make things worse it is impossible to sell property here and so we would have to rent and leave our cottage empty. I am reluctantly accepting that we may have to stay a while longer. I hope that perhaps I will be able to employ a gardener/handyman. This old age is not for weaklings!

How about help in the house? This can take many forms - i.e cleaner, gardener, window cleaner, decorating - having people in to help can not only relieve you of much physical effort but cost a lot less than moving house, which is eye wateringly expensive now. Someone else suggested a stair lift - you can also have the new style of lift that goes up from, say, the corner of your dining room into the corner of your bedroom, and is not a glaringly 'obvious' disability aid in the hallway if your husband is very sensitive. There is also a wet room to consider. Additionally, if you tot up the cost of running a car, cabs are no more expensive to get you about, and you don't have the stress of parking either. A friend has an account with a cab company and said it is the best thing she has done - she became nervous of driving and tired of the effort and expense needed to keep the car on the road.

If you decide/have to move then good luck to you - things tend to work out eventually (ever the optimist!)

Someone posted that it might be an idea to not mention it for a while. If he's anything like my husband he'll mull it over and then think it was his idea. Some men don't like to be told, stubborn so and so's.

Meriel I sympathise. Everyone's situation is different in terms of what the problems are, but the root difficulty is the relationship negotiations! Believe me I have done & got past the stage of practical adjustments to lifestyle, as I've been looking ahead to this point for years, but we simply have to move. It's the strain of the process that is so destructive, of relationship as well. I can remember this with my own mother when she became infirm in the last years of her life. In some ways it's like having to persuade someone to think about a care home. I do not want to end up in that situation with my husband, because eventually I won't be able to care for him in this house.

This is something that has been worrying me too. Although we can cope well in our house at present, I can foresee the day when we will need to move to something smaller and more convenient. The trouble is, my husband is a hoarder. All cupboards, the spare room and the garage are filled with junk that is of no possible use to us or to anyone else. Every now and again it encroaches on our living space, and when I move it, or even mention it, he becomes very upset - it is the only thing we ever disagree about. He refuses to see that there is a problem, and thinks I'm just being neurotic. I know tidiness is relative, but believe me, I'm not Mrs Houseproud. I'm sure if something happened to me he could eventually become like some of the people on TV programmes about hoarding.

So, downsizing would be a problem, as we would have to take the junk with us (and even if we didn't, a new lot would probably take its place). I've known more than one old person who refused to face up to their future accommodation needs. What usually happens is that some crisis occurs which makes it necessary for them to be re-homed as an emergency, and they end up in accommodation they don't like and would not have chosen. It's a worrying prospect.

My husband suggested we move from our five bed, three storey Georgian house about four years ago (he is ten years older than me and though neither of us had mobility problems he was thinking of the future). We had many friends and belonged to lots of groups and loved having family and friends to stay so my attitude was 'the only way I am leaving is in a wooden overcoat', I even wanted to be buried in my garden when I died. However a couple of years later I came round to thinking that a smaller more modern house might be a good idea and, after a discussion with our son and DIL started to look for places within half an hour of them. We eventually found somewhere which fulfilled all out requirements in North Wales and were able to buy a lovely house, about thirty years old which still has four bedrooms, though they are smaller, with lots of storage, so we didn't have to get rid of everything, has a lovely big conservatory which we live in for most of the year, a smaller garden, is much cheaper to run, fuel bills are less than half they were, was much cheaper so we now have the money to do more, is in a lively small town with a shop, post office, pharmacy, hair dressers, cafe, two pubs, vets and has lots going on. We have soon settled in and, after a year, don't regret our move at all. The house is also such that we could make adaptations and live downstairs should we need to. Yes, it took me a while to come round to it, especially as I've not lived in a more modern house since I was a child but it just takes a bit of time to get used to the idea, for men and women. Maybe finding a few examples and introducing the idea of how much easier life could be and how much money could be saved would help.

I'm the hombre and held the opposite view. We lived in and loved our previous house number 69 for 34 years after moving there from Mayfair. I'd been wanting to downsize for the last 10 to cash in on ridiculous house price increases and move to somewhere adequate where prices were less. It was not to be as my Darling Wife would not budge. However, a reasonable offer was on the table in May for our 1920's close to supermarkets, shops, station and motorways, etc - so we began looking around. One evening I had been to see a lovely house but in an isolated setting and felt it was all becoming a waste of time, when my wife called and said she'd seen one which was on my route home. I was able to view the 8 year old Scandia Hus build there and then. I loved it, called my wife who arrived there within minutes and although suffering a blinding migraine, liked it enough to say we should make an offer. After the usual haggling, our offer was accepted, we moved in and couldn't have been more happy. Money in the bank to purchase new furniture, greenhouse and garden furniture we've always wanted and to travel. Near a station, buses, shops, pubs, restaurants, superb Chiltern walks, pick your own - in fact absolutely ideal and what's great is that our two year old grandson loves it more than 69. No frequent decorating, well not a long while, and with an 80 EPC and underfloor heating in every room, no worries about bills eating up our pensions. It's been completely well worth the wait so patience between Man and Wife is the key. We wish anyone contemplating downsizing the very best of luck and hope you are as happy as we are now. Oh, one final thing, Springwood, our new home is on a larger plot and has twice the square footage, so our entire family can come and stay with us at last - having so called 'downsized' we are truly spoilt!

Both of us are just turning 60 next year and thankfully we are in tune for the move to an apartment from our bungalow in a few years.In the meantime I am decluttering and downsizing stuff .We are also looking at our options whenever we see an apartment on sale.So good luck to all of us who want to make life simpler and more manageable.

An older lady of our acquaintance lost her husband several years ago. He too was a hoarder and it has taken her ages to sort out the house. She's now in a quandary about whether to modernise her house to enable her to stay in it or to sell and move on. It is so hard when memories are tied up with the house.

My own husband has just discovered he has a heart problem and I am wondering if this means that we will have to leave our lovely house before long. It is Georgian with a lot of stairs and so would simply not be practical if he became more unwell. Also we live on a hill - which is why we have wonderful views. Fortunately the garden is manageable.

I'm sure that he would be amenable if I felt I couldn't cope here, but my inclination is to get in help if we need it. In the meantime I'm intending to start to cut down on our possessions (i.e. junk) so that moving will not be so hard if we find it is necessary.

I agree with the poster who suggested that you might already have sown the seed of the idea of moving, and that he could feel differently in a month's time - especially if he then thinks it is his own idea!

Hi

I'm in a 4 storey house and am preparing to downsize. I know the stairs are keeping me fit but at some stage I won't be able to go up and down 43 stairs. I can remember hearing a cardiologist say keep stairs as long as you can so I'm hoping to move to a two storey house. Selling furniture in the meantime and emptying drawers of less wanted goodies.