Adult Son and money

How hurtful.
Have you spoilt your children, would you say?

is your daughter on the autistic spectrum, do you think?

Am I right in thinking that you have not got a great relationship with your daughter, does she verbally abuse because of her brother. I think there is perhaps some family dynamics here that makes this a more complicated issue.

You are enabling him and therefore encouraging him in his irresponsible and, yes, selfish ways. For a start I’d make him pay board.

You say he’s on the spectrum but undiagnosed. Is this your opinion? You don’t know he’s on the spectrum unless he’s been assessed. One of my sons was very similar to this and either me or his father were forever bailing him out until we’d had enough. He had to pull himself together in the end as he’d run out of options. He’s still not 100% right but a lot better.

As for your son regaining his money but refusing to give you any back! I’m afraid I’d refuse to allow him in the house until he did. Tough love definitely required as he has to grow up and face his responsibilities I’m afraid.

Sorry. I’ve just read you are battling stage 3 Cancer. How awful for you and how dreadful to have such uncaring children. You aren’t alone in this. Please think of yourself more and stop allowing your son to sponge off you like this.

Thanks for comments, daughter lives over 3 hours away. Only gets in contact if she wants something. Tbh I have had to let her go emotionally. She does the opposite of any advice we give. We just leave her to it now. She is 22. Has a good job and earns well. She is in sales so she obviously knows how to talk to people just not her family. We dont ask for much just calmness and kindness. She speaks to us like we are dirt. Husband always goes back for more but I dont anymore.

Son knows we aren't happy as being chatty which is unusual. We are agreed on a plan but not until lockdown is over. I have contacted the council and he can apply for accommodation and he fits the criteria. One of the criteria was having supportive local family which was interesting.

Sorry I should have said husband and me have agreed on a plan - son is not aware of it!

I am expecting to be on the receiving end of some harsh words but here goes - my youngest son is 29. Has an extremely limited work history - is now studying full time and doing well. He lived with me and my husband until about 3 weeks ago. He experienced mh issues which he readily admitted to self medicating with weed. He lived a lifestyle that I didn't agree with and he didn't feel that he should adapt to take my views into consideration at all. His room was a tip and he didn't lift a finger to help. I could never see an end to it. However I had reached the point where I could take no more. He is now renting a house with a friend and is doing okay. We have helped him to make this move and I feel it has been the making of him. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that what you think is helping isn't always helpful if you see what I mean

Evibeanz Were I in your situation, I would have done exactly as you have done.

I think for some AC, life at home is made too comfortable and they are not expected to pay their way, so they make the most of what they can get.

Eviebeanz far from "harsh words". What you did was spot on and the outcome proves it. Well done and I bet it was a hard thing to do...tough love is hard!

Just an update. Husband has written him an email saying he either pays rent and for the damaged car or he leaves home. Quite short and to the point.

But he hasnt sent it yet...

Hit that send button today

Hit the send button.

Will he ignore the email or pretend he hasn't received it? Have a plan B.

OP

Stop barking and start biting

You and your husband should be telling your son how it is going to be, instead of you hiding behind your husband and an email.

Take control of the situation.

This is so difficult for you. Equally difficult for me to read as I’ve had very similar problems. My DS is 33 now. He finally got a good job about 2 years ago via job centre- I made him go, drove him there, and now he’s doing well. It’s been hard though and friends have often said the same to me about enabling. It’s easy to say but when your son rings to say he has no food and no money how do you refuse?? Funnily enough a financial advisor just said to me ‘of course you should support him. He’s your son’. I was taken aback as so many people had criticised me previously. I’ve relaxed a bit now and realise he will find his way in time. I think young men have had a very difficult time in recent years. The increased influence of women in society (a good thing) has left many adrift - the old models are crumbling. Some are struggling with this new world unfortunately. Good luck anyway. You’ll find a way that suits you and your family. And good luck with your cancer. Look after yourself!

I agree with Shandy57, the £200 i feel would be safer if you put it away for him.

Well the email got sent. We need to email or when we speak to him he twists our words. Even now he says we are throwing him out. We have said either pay your £200 a month rent or move out. He has chosen the moving out option and got very petulant. So apparently by the end of February he will be moving to Manchester!!!!!!

Well done. He’ll be fine. And you can reclaim your lives. X

secondhandrose well done for sending it. Be prepared for more petulance! Stand firm, he needs you to. And you need to live in peace!

HITHERE. Why do you need more examples of the daughters behaviour ?

Surely it's enough to have a general picture of her

The big problem that needs dealing with at the moment is the son

Roses

HITHERE. Why do you need more examples of the daughters behaviour ?

Surely it's enough to have a general picture of her

The big problem that needs dealing with at the moment is the son

I don’t actually feel there is enough to get a picture of her.

But if OP doesn’t want to discuss it, that’s her choice.

In my experience it's best to set a deadline! For example, 'I'd like you to get started on moving out." " Let's make it before my birthday on June 15th." (Or any other appropriate date that suits you Mother)
My offspring was no trouble living at home, no trouble at all but just needed that little push into adult life & the outside world. Said offspring made some mistakes at first but soon grew wings and is now flying high.