Adult Son and money

This thread is two years old now so hope SecondhandRose and her son have sorted out their emotional and financial issues.

I hope all goes well when he moves out but be prepared he may still need a lot of financial help! My friend’s son is like that. He does work and comes over as very presentable and bright but he had a big gambling problem and his parents had to bail him out of a small fortune. he also had a lot of debts which they have paid off to in an attempt for him to start afresh.

He is now married with 2 small children but because of his poor credit history he cannot buy a house so has to rent. My friend buys him cars (nearly new) as he switches between jobs that provide a company car and those that don’t.

She also pays for all his family to go on holiday abroad with them. We all tell her she does too much for him but she says she is afraid he might do something terrible but he has never shown any signs of mental health problems.

OMG - Reported this poster again!!

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Who is going to pay for his monthly rent, living expenses, moving expenses?

1. Stop enabling your adult son. It's time he flew the nest. If he can't find a place on his own then he needs to find a place with roommates. 2. Your son is correct that he doesn't have to pay this loan back. You got involved when you should have stayed out of it. You went to your mom. His grandma. You then made/had an arrangement with your mom. You didn't make an arrangement with your son.

Good news SecondhandRose you have done the right thing even though it must have been hard. Make sure nothing changes between now and the end of the month then look forward to getting your room back.

That's a very positive update. Good luck.

Morning. Well I have an update. He is moving out at the end of the month. Has found a friend to rent a flat with. Is being very reasonable and has even said he will pay us back. He is moving north 3 hours away. Quite frankly he needs to go and stand on his own two feet. He doesn’t currently have work but he always gets what he applies for as he sounds very intelligent!

So we hope good comes out of this and it means I’ll have an extra wardrobe I can use!

is Manchester far away. has he somewhere/one to go to. unlikely to have enough points for council housing, single adult male. but he'll have to face the realities.
nest. push. fly.

Hmm, is the 'moving to Manchester' an attempt at emotional blackmail? Make sure you have an actual date for him moving out. Keep the move in any conversation light and airy and as a done deal. I think there's a bit of flouncing going on here. Sadly I'm not convinced he'll go without more bother.

Is there a date for him to move out?

How long are you waiting for him to move out? What then, when it does not happen, what is your plan?

In my experience it's best to set a deadline! For example, 'I'd like you to get started on moving out." " Let's make it before my birthday on June 15th." (Or any other appropriate date that suits you Mother)
My offspring was no trouble living at home, no trouble at all but just needed that little push into adult life & the outside world. Said offspring made some mistakes at first but soon grew wings and is now flying high.

Roses

HITHERE. Why do you need more examples of the daughters behaviour ?

Surely it's enough to have a general picture of her

The big problem that needs dealing with at the moment is the son

I don’t actually feel there is enough to get a picture of her.

But if OP doesn’t want to discuss it, that’s her choice.

HITHERE. Why do you need more examples of the daughters behaviour ?

Surely it's enough to have a general picture of her

The big problem that needs dealing with at the moment is the son

secondhandrose well done for sending it. Be prepared for more petulance! Stand firm, he needs you to. And you need to live in peace!

Well done. He’ll be fine. And you can reclaim your lives. X

Well the email got sent. We need to email or when we speak to him he twists our words. Even now he says we are throwing him out. We have said either pay your £200 a month rent or move out. He has chosen the moving out option and got very petulant. So apparently by the end of February he will be moving to Manchester!!!!!!

I agree with Shandy57, the £200 i feel would be safer if you put it away for him.

This is so difficult for you. Equally difficult for me to read as I’ve had very similar problems. My DS is 33 now. He finally got a good job about 2 years ago via job centre- I made him go, drove him there, and now he’s doing well. It’s been hard though and friends have often said the same to me about enabling. It’s easy to say but when your son rings to say he has no food and no money how do you refuse?? Funnily enough a financial advisor just said to me ‘of course you should support him. He’s your son’. I was taken aback as so many people had criticised me previously. I’ve relaxed a bit now and realise he will find his way in time. I think young men have had a very difficult time in recent years. The increased influence of women in society (a good thing) has left many adrift - the old models are crumbling. Some are struggling with this new world unfortunately. Good luck anyway. You’ll find a way that suits you and your family. And good luck with your cancer. Look after yourself!

OP

Stop barking and start biting

You and your husband should be telling your son how it is going to be, instead of you hiding behind your husband and an email.

Take control of the situation.

Will he ignore the email or pretend he hasn't received it? Have a plan B.

Hit the send button.

Hit that send button today

But he hasnt sent it yet...