Enslaved grandparent syndrome

I think in Spain lots more families live as multi-generational homes so perhaps it’s more usual there than elsewhere. Of course it’s happening everywhere else too but maybe not quite so much. I’m pretty sure there are Grandparents here who’s retirement is being interrupted by daily school runs and holiday sitting small children. Mine are mostly grown now and not my ‘duty’ to be minding Great-grand children thank goodness.

I'm lucky enough to have been highly involved in my grandchild's life and have loved it. It's probably easier because I only have the one but it's been lovely to have been such an integral part of their life.

All changed now University beckons & I will miss it.

I should add that I did my fair share of holidays with Grandchildren and loved it when they were young and so was I, only in my 30s and 40s and not working full time then.

I was never factored in for regular childcare as at 57 I was still working full time so the parents had to make full time expensive childcare arrangements. Fortunately this was well in place by baby No.2 when we took early retirement. We made a choice (much appreciated) to chip in by then with their childcare costs so that we could enjoy our second home in Málaga. A win-win for all concerned.

I read an article in The Guardian when the Boy Wonder was only two weeks old and it resonated. That to be a grandma is lovely - not a surrogate mum. No feelings of exhaustion, resentment by me for regular childminding - just the bonus of spending time with them both (after school and weekends) doing the fun things. Lucky us.

Any country experiencing a combination of high childcare costs, demanding work hours for parents, and weak social safety nets must surely see this exact issue.

I think over here I've seen this referred to as "grandparent burnout" or the "sandwich generation" impact.

Retirement years are (for many) consumed by full-time, unpaid childcare to save their children nursery fees - and some doing the best they can to support their own parents too...

I have also seen a lot of this on here M0nica.
Grandparents, usually grandmothers, traveling across town early in the morning to handle school drop-offs, sometimes managing housework, cooking, or grocery shopping for their adult children and also doing after school school pick-ups, driving to activities, and dinner.
​Some are returning to their own homes really quite late at night.

I expect the term "enslaved" is quite a harsh one to absorb- but not being able to say "no" is very similar I think.

And no, I really don't think it will be mainly multi-generational families!

Yes - as much as I love my DD and grandchildren, I was working (although DH was early retired) and there was never a question of full time care. However, I was astonished at the cost of good quality nursery care, and whilst my DD was always in the financial position to ensure good quality child care, I realise that many millions will not be. We would almost certainly topped up what my DD could have afforded to get the best, but if we couldn’t have done so then I guess I would have somehow offered to take on childcare, rather than my beloved grandchildren going somewhere not very good.
As it was we provided holidays that couldn’t be covered (usually surfing in Cornwall) and emergency sick leave - mercifully very few.

There's a huge difference between wanting to do it and being pressurised into onerous hours, travelling miles and not being in the best of health. It very much depends on individual circumstances. The other side of the coin is the entitled grandparent prone to usurping and at times undermining the mother's position.

We have of course read about both on this site and on MN. I feel for both. I'm glad to have our grandchildren for weekends, about once a month and overnight stays in the holidays. Having said that to quote my o/h, he has 5, including our 2, plus a fairly new ggd. "I love them all very much but I have no desire to be an all consuming professional grandparent" We value our life together and individual interests and pursuits. I also get bored with too much chat about gc, I think there can be a tendancy with some gps as with the new parent to become one dimensional as to offspring. Whilst it's part of life, listening to it can become pretty boring at times.

Generally on GN we hear of grandparents driven to exhaustion by the demands of their children and threatened with not seeing their DGC if they do not. We do get overbearing MiL ones as well, but I imagine there are more of those on MN.

But when I read some of the threads on GN, 'enslavement' is the word to use and perhaps if it did come into currency, it might, just might, make some parents realise what they are doing and some grandmothers realise their servitude.

It has never been an issue for me. We live 200 miles from DGC, now down to 150,so any kind of childcare except in direst emergency - and that did arise on one or two occasions, and I responded - but no regular care.

What I will say though, the memories of our holidays with the boys are so precious, and they talk about them so often so I know they feel the same. We are not a family who enjoy stuff like Disney and that type of thing, but all things outdoors like walking, cycling, fishing and surfing etc and the memories are a delight. But you have to be fit enough to keep up!

I was a young grandparent and loved it. It does leave a gap when no longer required, more than with my children because they always stopped in constant contact.

In this situation, surely a person can only be enslaved[what a possible overexageration of a word], or exploited, if you let the other person do it to you.

Of course all the things mentioned in the op can lead to burn out. Again, if a person lets it happen to themselves.

Off thread a bit, but at one point in several of African countries, the mother's generation were decimated by AIDS & so it was very, very common for grandmums to be looking after one or two families of their grandchildren whose mother had died.Unimaginably hard, but many coped & I always thought they were unsung heroines.

I've read a testament or two from grandparents on this site who do feel enslaved, massively pressurised with veiled threats of withdrawal of the grandparent/grandchild/ren relationship dangling over them, blackmail is the trigger as to why they let it happen. Occasionally they undertake childcare with considerable health issues, cancer etc. Not only involving long hours of child minding and sometimes a lot of driving to the family home will be expected. These posters have sounded quite desperate and exhausted with it all.

Many mothers go back to work when their children are babies, which is far harder work than taking and collecting four year -olds plus. My parents did it for me, from for years onwards, and I think they enjoyed it, but not holiday care. I am very ashamed to say I took it entirely for granted, but my mother, having had to relinquish her career after the war, was determined I should carry on with mine.