Still Homesick Two Years After House Move

We moved to our current house 10 years ago (DH thought we should be close to DD and GC in our older years). I moved with reluctance. We have joined the local choir (which is lovely) and I joined a womens’ group which due to Covid and other health reasons I have not been able to attend for some time), lovely people but they all seem to have known each other for years or are close neighbours so I feel a bit out of place. Our neighbours say hello but in the last 10 years have been in neighbours houses three times, despite us inviting them over. I am now about to be discharged from hospital with a fractured femur so am feeling even more ‘out of the loop’. So I feel homesick for my old house, understand completely how you feel. My rant is over!

Imagine one of you had a stroke or terminal cancer? Would it be possible for the other one to manage in your new house? This is happening where I live, with a few neighbours. It makes you think beyond cosmetic transformation. Best of luck.

My very best wishes to you BlueGarden. I can certainly understand what a lonely time you’ve been having, and I do hope you find some peace and contentment before too much longer.

I love the fact that my neighbours are all very quiet.

I know what you mean about quiet neighbours.
I helped someone move house. Almost as soon as I did, I commented on how quiet the neighbourhood was[they live at the end of a close too].

Talking with people helps with MH in my opinion.

If you move again, you will have a better idea of your personal priorities, next time.

Could you afford to get someone in to do at least some of the decorating and other work?

Thank you all again for your thoughts. I’m going to try and answer all your queries in one go! Maintenance to the house isn’t of a structural nature, rather an overwhelming amount of decorating, and maybe new kitchen. Naively, we didn’t realise how difficult this was going to be (eg impossible to get the wallpaper off without damaging the walls underneath; kitchen has floor to ceiling ceramic tiles that will have to come off). Of course I did want to move, it was only once it was done that this feeling of loss hit me, totally unexpectedly. Our new neighbours here are very nice, but we see very little of them partly due to the location of our house at the end of a close, and partly because in general people seem to lead their own lives. My DH does know how I feel, but I don’t discuss it much with him as it makes him stressed too, which doesn’t really help. I can understand why he’s so confused that I feel this way after all that we’ve worked for. I’m not a naturally very gregarious person, and used to enjoy my own company - in my old house I used to be happy with spending my time gardening, reading, walking and going to the gym, and I used to do most of the decorating and minor DIY jobs, and I’d also sew, knit and crochet a bit. I never felt I was missing out on anything and was content. I have a couple of really good friends, but mostly my social contact was with acquaintances locally, and with neighbours, and I think this is what I miss the most. I have been seeing a counsellor too, and although it helps to talk, it doesn’t seem to help long term. Well, as you can probably guess, I could ramble on, but I’m sure it’d be very boring for you all, so I’ll stop here for now.

Yes I still miss our old home, it was a semi (ex council house which we bought) over looking fields, you could sit in bed and have a lovely view. It was built with Nori brick ,solid!

Husband became ill couldn't maintain the house the same and it was at a stage where it wanted new windows, central heating (we had storage heaters ) but he also got fed up of the kids playing football destroying his beloved garden as it was in a close.

Eventually he brainwashed me into moving after 20 yrs in the house.

We sold the house v fast and bought a New build.
25 years later I could walk out of the door and not look back.

8bluegarden* I notice that in your post about your move and the reasons, you say nothing about building a new social life in your new area.

One of the most important, possibly the most important part of any move is whether the area is one you can settle in and build a new social life, get to know people, get involved in activities you are used to doing.

My parents taught me that, over 40 years ago. They wanted to downsize and release capital and couldn't do it where they lived. In looking elsewhere, when they found a house they liked they headed for the local library (in pre-internet days) to find out what was going onlocally and several houses got rejected because the local area didn't offer the right activities. When they found a house and community that fitted they moved and joined groups that interested thm and soon had a busy social life to replace the friends and activities they had left behind.

We are on the cusp of a move of over 100 miles and where we have decided to move to has been dictated as much by what the town has to offer us in activities, as it has by houses.

Does your DH know how bad you feel, BlueGarden?

Hi. We’ve moved seven mile from our home town four years ago. I’ve never really settled, even though this is a better area. For the first two years I would have had my old house back in a flash.
But we moved to be closer to family to help out with DGC. It is a lot smaller so easier to clean and maintain.
I’ve changed everything to my taste and it is homely and warm. The DGC love to visit even though it’s a squeeze.
Just look for the positives and get on with enjoying other things in your life. I find when I’m tired I’m just happy to come home to comfort and warmth.

I miss the house and town we left 24 years ago and still regard it as home despite being nearer my birthplace now. I still dream that we are back in our old house and realise that we should not be there. We moved for good reasons and our house here is just what we need for our older years which the other house was not . I cannot explain why I feel this was except that the old house was the one in which we brought our children up .

I moved here after my divorce, having lived in the marital home for 32 years . I have lived in the present house for 9 years . However an extremely strange phenomenon has occurred to my mind/memory. If I close my eyes, and picture the front of this house, I can only see the front of my other house. Very, very strange 😳 Don’t get me wrong - I am very happy here
Bluegarden - I really feel sad for you. What made you move? You say ‘our’, so it’s not due to divorce. Have you not made friends with your neighbours? You should identify the cause of your anxiety and then perhaps you will be able to deal with the issue and overcome the problem. Good luck !

I really think the answer is to make your house as homely as you possibly can and do as much as you can to join in things in your local area even if you don't fit in at first. It doesn't have to be massively expensive making the house more homely if you can go to shops like The Range and B and M. Concentrate on making the garden look good too . I understand how you feel. We moved from a home where we had lived for over 30 years to a new house in a completely different area. It has taken me much longer to settle than expected but I knew I didnt want the disruption and expense of moving again so became determined to make it work. After putting in a lot of effort, I have now made friends locally and have done a lot of work on the house and garden. I now have that 'contented' feeling of feeling at home at long last. I wish you all the best of luck in achieving the same too.

I apologize for the abrupt ending but I was called away. I know how sad it can be to have to begin again somewhere else but when you have no choice it’s what you have to do for your own sake. I wish you good luck 💕

Bluegarden. Yes we moved quite a distance from our home of 40 years. We had a difficult few months, working out mostly being together constantly , and in an unknown place. We moved to be near family. We are fine now and love it. Did Young want to move? Did you leave someone special behind? Have you talked about your feeling to someone empathetic?
I can offer no practical advice, but I wish you well

Oh BlueGarden I have been exactly where you are. We moved nearer to the hospital, perfectly valid reason etc etc. I was appalled when I saw the house (social housing) but realised I was very very lucky to have found a home. The only thing to do is to work hard on your house, make it more efficient, homely and so on. Then you can sell up and move with a clear conscience! Good luck.

We were in your position after moving to a different house we’d lived in for 37 years. We had had the house built, our children were all home and life was busy and we were very happy. Husband wanted to retire 2 years ago plus we needed to downsize so it seemed the best thing to do. We had been very fortunate in being able to afford a lovely home in a nice area so having to choose another home was difficult. There wasn’t much choice at that time and our present home was sold therefore we were forced to find something. We made a mistake in not taking more time so we ended up moving twice but we’re in a lovely home now. I have been asked do I love this home and I usually say oh sure but honestly I miss our old house very much. It was just what we had wanted so anything else paled in comparison. I have realized that we are very fortunate to have each other and family so I have had to tell myself to buck up and be happy where we are now. Life is too short.

I assume you didn’t have a survey carried out? Money well spent. If you do move again, don’t skimp on a proper survey and do your research about the area, spending time there at different times of the day. Moving house is an expensive business, like marriage not to be embarked upon lightly etc.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. One of the main reasons we moved was because our old house was beside a busy road and so we experienced a lot of traffic noise. My DH also had a wish for a big garage. Of course there were many other factors to consider but we thought we’d found a property that matched closely enough. In fact for the first few days after the move, I was pleased that we’d finally succeeded in moving, but I soon realised that I’d made a massive mistake. The house is generally in a much worse state of repair than our old house and I feel that I don’t belong in this area and have lost my whole sense of identity. I’m clinging to the hope of moving house again in a couple of years’ time, which my DH has tentatively agreed to, but to be fair, I have to try and make this house more homely in the meantime.

It would be helpful if BlueGarden told us why they moved to this house and what they don’t like about it.

As others said there must have been a reason you moved and I think you need to dwell more often on that.

We are just facing this. After having lived in the same county for all but a few of my adult years, and a few years of childhood as well, 27 years in our current home. DH and I have just started the process of moving over 100 miles to live somewhere more accessible to our AC.

We have given the matter considerable thought, DH being rushed to hospital yesterday, has helped concentrate the mind, as if AC come to visit they now face journeys of up to 200 miles.

Obviously the decision to move has not been made lightly. We will be leaving a lifetime of friends, activities and other family behind, but, it needs to be done.

But I have no intention of sitting in our new home after I leave and feeling sorry and homesick. We will need to grit our teeth, and start making a new life for ourselves and you need to do the same.

There are times in life when we have to make a decision that may not be what we want but is in our best interest. I presume this is the decision you face and it is the one we face.

So grab yourself by the back of the neck and give yourself a good shake and then start being positive about your new location and get yourself out there, thinking about the good reasons you made the decision and get out there and build a new enjoyable life.

What is the alternative?

If you are really not happy either in the house, the area or both, then perhaps you need you accept that and stat the process of moving on.

My brother and sister in law moved from a magnificent house in a very expensive part of London In their70's they both stated 4they really desired the peace of the countryside.

Found a very nice house, with four bedrooms so that people cold come to stay, It was in a village that was quite isolated. Only shop in that village was the voluntary one. Nearest two eleven miles away, motorway (to London) twelve miles away. My goodness it was dark at night!!!

with no time, my sister-in-law was missing her gson, and got into the habit of driving up to London to stay with a family friend for two or three nights each week, leaving hubbie alone at home cat-sitting.

The first year they both gloried in the dark, the isolation, the peace. By the second year my SiL was complaining about nothing ever happening and missing the the area of London in which she had always lived . BiL found it difficult to
admit that he could have made a mistake = took him a further five years to do that.

People did visit at first, but not that much

By the time, he finally admitted this error things had got pretty bad as wife developed . dementia, aggravated by the sudden death of her sister and then her eldest son. finally move back just over a year ago, and both are so much happier now

There must have been a reason why you moved?

We downsized, after 30 years, to a smaller, but far more interesting house. I do miss some things, especially the larger rooms, but not the time it took to clean. Our new house has a larger, better situated garden, which is a big positive.

You don’t say if it’s the house or the area that you don’t like.
It might help to write a list of all the positives of living in your new house and the reasons for moving.