Black Dog 30

Thank you sweet pea sue. I’m really very low.
Son 1 has had to borrow dh car so I will have to take him to hospital appointment this week.
Been feeling a bit let down with friends this week I think I said.
I’ve supported them through a lot but they are not concerned about me and still talk constantly about their problems. I’m not unsympathetic but it would be nice if they cared about me.
Sorry pity party.
Son 1 was over about car so I asked him about putting up something to help me on the stairs now that I have no handrail.
He said no problem so I will get the handles and he can put them up when he has time.
Still dreading the trip down south but trying not to think about it.
Wyllow keep posting all you want.look how far you have come.
Tv is awful tonight.

Can you watch catch up on your I pad, EllieAnne? What sort of stuff do you like? I'm playing music atm but going to watch another episode of Granite City - police/thriller type... but you can access ITV and channel 5 online?

I thought you might be low, as you haven't been in. When I was low they said "check in now and then" and I feel the same about you. I'm glad son 1 is helping you out. Does he know how DH is health wise? They are so busy at that age with jobs and family.

I'm so sorry it's been one way with your friends. You are clearly such a good listener. some people don't stop to think, "how is the person I'm talking to?"
Do any of them know your current dilemmas re DH and health?

PS it is not a pity party. I "read it" as a sharing one on a very tough week. thats the thought in your head, "I'm not worth it" and you are.

Wyllow3 You have dealt with a lot of depression and have come a long way. I remember the days when you said you hadn't showered or done anything all day. Now, you go shopping, to Costa, the park, the gym, etc. Koko as you used to say.

SweetpeaSue 2lbs is good. I've also lost 2. I'm finding it impossible to do the shakes, so I'm just trying to eat sensibly and not have snacks (or at least count them in calories for the day).

Doodle I'm glad the dog seems to be improving. Poor thing, I hope she's back to normal very soon. Having an ill but much-loved pet is so worrying. They are very much part of the family. My brother also says he wakes up some mornings and forgets, for a minute, that his wife died. It must be very difficult.

EllieAnne Glad your son is going to do that job for you. Does he know about his dad not being well?

Had a pub lunch with Son1 and his girls yesterday. Then LG came here for tea, bath and a play whilst her parents were feeding penguins at a zoo . Not doing much today but will have a sort out of books and toys, get rid of the ones LG doesn't use. It's sunny but very windy here x

We've had rain overnight and maybe more today 🙂 but the sun is out right now and the garden twinkly with droplets. If you live down South you are less likely to get it which is bad news for London rellies whose grass is all dried out.

and yes its windy too, fresh.

That was a busy but nice day there, HVDY. It's a great idea to have a toy and book sort out. (It's needed for my family, but the scale is so very great!) have a good potter and sort out day.

I had such a horrible nightmare I got up early and actually googled the meaning which helped.

And it's absolutely clear to me that under a unit of wine is all I must have. (googled that too and my meds - alcohol is total no no in a very specific way). Probably watching a murder thriller last thing at night was not ideal 😳

Just a Quaker Zoom today I think.

Two hours more sleep put matters to rights. Lazing around on GN with some light washing up.

Hi all
HVDY- At least in the Summer there’s lovely fruit to help with weight loss - well done with the 2 lbs . You’re really good and strong willed aren’t you.
Ah that’s a sad thing to hear your Brother say- showing his true feelings.
Pub lunches are good. You do some lovely things with your family . We have 2 good pubs on our village green and they are always heaving.
Having a sort out always makes you feel good doesn’t it, then I bet you get some more stuff after a while😀
I got our boys a cool mat each- will they lie on them- will they *………!!
EllieAnne- Pity Party NOT!!
You just need to share how you feel. Have you talked with your friends about your current dilemma ? The trouble is when we get older many of us have problems and some people have no empathy with others.
It,ll be safer for you when Son1 can put up the handles. A good idea.
So you’re coming down South- it,ll be warm for you but maybe you,ll be able to take advantage of the better weather when you are here.
SweetPeaSue- 2ibs is a good amount to have lost- slow and steady is better than overdoing it and getting fed up.
Fluffball is a good exercise buddy. Just a little more movement everyday will help. Have you thought about Ice lollies? They are cooling but just frozen juice.
You,ve known the Book lady a long time so should feel relaxed and comfortable in her company.yes it was nice to see my friend and her Son. She has dementia and he is her full time carer. Her condition is different as she knows who we are and our families but her short term memory is non existent. He looks worn out but wants to look after her.
Doodle- Glad Gen is improving - she is obviously a well loved member of your family.
My friend came home yesterday and is much happier. I,ll see her tomorrow.
I can understand you feeling as you do on seeing DH name on things . He will never be forgotten with that lovely family of yours and I for one like all of us here won’t forget him either.
Hope you,ve had a pleasant Church Day.
Wyllow- Oh what a typo!!! Good job it wasn’t an important letter!
Skechers have made all our lives more comfortable- the slip in ones are great. Just miss the pretty shoes.
Your post telling us more about your times of illness are inspiring to read - you have overcome much. You seem to be gaining more insight into your own feelings and thoughts for the future.
Seeing your family a bit more frequently will sustain you I think
You are combining nice gentle days with active social ones - all good.

This morning we woke to the news that my DD and SiL had spent the night at the Hospital as his Dad had fallen and fractured his hip.Thank goodness he had one of those alarms so was able to get help.He and his wife are both nearly 92 and still live in their own home. When my DD last texted he still hadn’t got a bed!!!!!!
Whatever next it seems like it’s one thing after another

Sending love to all and wishing you peaceful nights.

Well, if the cool mats don’t suit the boys - you could always take advantage of them yourself, Scaredycat?

But oh dear - yes, for you at the moment it is one dear one after another suffering. 92 is a good age to be managing home alone but oh so vulnerable. Do they have help already? I hope he will be comfy soon and gets the best help he can in hospital and stays in the best sprits possible. I imagine that DD and SiL will be visiting a lot, is it far away?

That is hard for your friend with dementia’s son - and so loving: I hope he can reach for help if it becomes really needful.

But I am so very glad your hospitalised friend is home. What a relief for her. I hope you find her well tomorrow and some clarity about her treatment.

I hope you have been doing some nice things for you amongst all this sorrow xx

I havent been out today. More than a little residual anger why I am so tired most of the time because of one mans actions and a stupid woman’s pressure on me in accusing me of invention.

8 B*** months when it should have been dealt with in 4 or 5 weeks. I need up having a nice long shower and pottering ordering bits and bobs I need on Amazon like a proper sunhat with ties under the chin, gardening gloves and so on - then I went onto Facebook to catch up..and found someone I knew long ago who was my first live in boyfriend had passed in 2021.

Its beginning to happen, I realise, I’m not a spring chicken anymore….time to get real - but the tiredness is also hampering other things - a backlog of some hospital appointments that I have put off as too tired and so on (as I wanted to do something nice for me instead!)

..an old loved friend who lives about 1.25 hours away from I’d promised to drive over and see, and so on...missing Q this morning and chats.

But yes, family first. Often too tired to ring in the evening.

Hope to see you others in soon, back later.

Wyllow3 Watching a horror film at night probably isn't a good idea. I had a dream that I had a penpal (male) and was planning to meet him, but that he'd been in prison for a violent crime! Too much watching 24 hours in Police Custody and the likes .

ScaredyCat I eat a lot of fruit anyway - strawberries, bananas (if not very ripe), grapes, plums, satsumas and pears - all every week. Not apples, as they give me heartburn. I'm no longer pre-diabetic, so I'm pleased about that. Those cooling mats are good for dogs, but cats will do what they want! I sorted through LG's toys and books, and I'll look for stuff to replace them. Charity shops and Amazon are good. Hope your daughter's father-in-law makes a good recovery. Perhaps they'll be persuaded to have carers to help a bit? 92 is a big age. Glad your friend is home now. Nothing like one's own bed and surroundings.

How's everyone else been? It's really windy here and overcast. DH and I did some weeding of the front garden, and we're going to watch a film soon that Son1 recommended. I'm looking forward to "Ebenezer" being released in November - Johnny Depp has the lead role.

Oh dear- lost my messages again. Ah well here goes.
EllieAnne Its not surprising you're are dreading the long drive down to your DDs- its such a long way. I hope perhaps youve seen some friends today if you attended church. Do they realise how thi gs are right now with your DH poorly and how you're feeling. If theres just one friend who you can trust I hope you can speak openly to for some support. You are not self pitying - you have very real worries and concerns right now.
So glad son is helping with the safety handles on the stairs. Do keep coming in and sharing.
HVDY Thankyou for acknowledging the 2lbs but it seems not a lot for the efforts. Why is it so easy to put it on but so damn hard to get rid of. Its going to be a long haul. Im trying to diet like yourself though I hadn't been counting the calories of the grapes and bargain cherry punnet from Aldi that Ive been snacking on!

Good weeding there, as it's been better as it's cooler. I bet you'll enjoy finding suitable toys for LG now she is getting bigger.

Yes, the police reality shows aren't late night best viewing. Not a wise penpal choice there in your dream.

The picture is my Sketcher collection, the bootees at the top are Sketcher too (wonderful comfy and style) and there is one more pair of blue ones not in the photo. No laughing at the back there.

oops

Sorry, phone is acting strange again.
Scaredycat So sorry youve had more bad news today. Your son in law and DD will be so worried about his dad . Goodness me ,thats a long wait hes had without being given a bed. Hope by now hes more comfortable and isnt in pain.
Oh yes, I DO have some fruit juice ice - lollies in the freezer( right next to the Ben n Jerry's chock chip ice- cream thats still unopened- why do I keep remembering that!) Supposed to be warm in the coming week so those lollies will come in handy.
Wyllow I can really understand you feeling so tired with all the thoughts in your head and the anger and resentment felt about the assault. It was the not being believed ( which that lady Quaker made much worse) that really hurt. Without trying to turn it onto my own experience, I can so understand how that all depletes your energy as it all just keeps creeping in. In my own case I had the pain that kept reminding me ,with no honesty from Drs and blatant cover up and lies. I do hope there will come a time for you when you are not plagued with the anger. I think it will always be there but hopefully not consume you at times. You really are doing so well right now.
Oh dear the nightmares . Hmm yes perhaps not a crime programme late at night. Incidentally, I had the exact same nightmare again the night after the last one I told about.
It will be nice for you to see your family again. Something to look forward to and a change. The realisation of the years passing, as with friends and once loved ones passing is a shock at times - the wonders of FB and things we wouldnt normally have known.

Ellie Anne I’m glad your son is going to put up the rails for you. It’s sad when friends let you down isn’t it. Some people don’t realise how selfish they’re being letting their troubles overtake the conversation. I do wish things were better for you.
Wyllow thats some collection. I’ve got 4 pairs now. Navy black lavender and pale blue. Funny enough I’ve been sorting out shoes today. Lots of pairs I don’t wear anymore, I’ve bought a couple of storage box type things. They have 16 dividers in them and between the two boxes they hold 16 pairs of shoes. Unfortunately they are bigger boxes than I thought and didn’t fit in the shelf where I intended to put them so I had to reorganise my whole wardrobe this afternoon. I was absolutely dripping. So hot.
hVDY. Good news. DGSs beloved dog is home. Quite a surprise they said she’d improved and could come home this afternoon. They are all over the moon. Just hope she fully recovers now. It’s funny I’ve read that about a lot of people who’ve lost someone but it hasn’t happened to me. I think about Dh all the time and miss him so much. He’s on my mind constantly all day every day. Must be awful for him to go through that in the morning. The awareness.
Scaredycat so pleased your friend is home. She will be relieved. Nice you can visit tomorrow. What a lovely thing to say about not forgetting my DH. That’s so kind of you.
So sorry to hear about your SILs dad. Such a shame people in such pain don’t get treated sooner. Hope he’s ok. Big shock for both the parents I would imagine
Sweetpeasue 2lb is good. It’s always slow to start with. I think I’ll give up and just stay dumpy, I’m getting no where,
Sorry you lost your messages, drives me mad when that happens
Been a nice day here today. Still very warm though

HVDY Just seen your post about the fruit. I guess its just that I need to count the cals and not think it doesnt actually count. We picked our first green beans today- had them in a container in which we placed an obelisk for them to climb up. Just enough for 2 small portions 😂
Wyllow* Those Sketchers ! Im so jealous - theyre fantastic- can see we have the same taste there. Noticed how organised you are with the matching socks.
Doodle How have you been today? Hope the church service was good and the sermon interesting. The church bells were calling here this morning and I mentioned it to DH - he said no one was stopping me though he wasnt bothered himself. I think he believes sometimes and at others, not. Perhaps more times than not.

Had a really good sort out of stuff in drawers and wardrobe today. Doesn't sound like a big job but I was shattered afterwards. Did some hoovering and went out for a costa.
Hope everyone is ok.
Nadateturbe You too! Thinking about you as we all do , even if not said.

Sorry my messages in bits. Screen keeps jumping.

Doodle Just seen your post. We've been doing more or less the same thing. Its coming hot work isnt it. I think I know which shoe compartment thing you mean- how annoying the boxes didnt fit.

Sweet pea sue I have to be careful who I share with because most people in my church don’t want to know about difficult marriages and expect that I love him. I do what I do because it is the right thing to do but there is no love. I did try to share tonight with a very old friend and she was clearly not interested and didn’t ask any question or show any concern. I’m done with everybody.

Well not us dear EllieAnne We hear and understand well. Sometime people don't like to look deeper sometimes and are maybe themselves keeping up a front and dont want it disturbed even to the point of "not hearing".

Well - if we hear and understand, there will be people out there who do, and I hope they come into your life soon.

Sweetpeasue I recall all so well what you went though when we first met, that helpless anger - same frustrations - people say "let it go" easy to say, huh? Some things change your life forever, so you hit nail on head. Interesting, the church bells...I think there is a part of us all that have associations unless you are totally atheist - a sense of years and years of communities who have worshipped together. and it's natural for it to come and go. Glad you got out for a Costa escape.

I think what matters, having talked to so many different people of faith, its a matter of connection, what speaks to each one. (thinking of nadateturbe too, and Taise, of course)

Doodle's church is very special I think, and I'm so glad its in your life, and is a means to hold your DH dear amongst so much else. Of course he is with you.

I did smile however at the shoe packing efforts. There is nowhere downstairs for me to put shoes hence the upstairs landing ...matching socks? Of course...

And of course Doodle you are in a flat. When I was in a flat there was a storage room near the front door actually very handy. Hoovers, cleaning stuff, shoes, coats....

Well today has been useful but frustrating mainly I think missing family. First Ex has had one of the kids to stay - the really difficult boy - and I had promised DGD2 but....

the little Q zoom helped. I have bits of paper and colouring pencils by me and today was full of anger let off steam. sometimes the pix are calming and nice.

EllieAnne 'I do what I do because its the right thing to do.....'
That is such a sacrifice and a heavy price to pay. Im surprised and dismayed that most in your church dont want to know about difficult marriages. Can only assume that most are actually putting on an act of being a 'good parishioner'.
Im guessing some dont want to be seen to be less than perfection.
The real truth and message of Christianity is not for those people.
Im so sorry that when you opened up to that old friend she didnt respond in a sympathetic way . I think , trust your instincts- was it perhaps just not the time for her to be able to help- if so ,maybe another try with her ?
Above all, EllieAnne, realise you are a very valuable person, not only to your family , but to yourself and God.
Much love xx

SweetpeaSue Dieting is hard as we get older. My friend has been going to Slimming World for over a year now and loses 1 or 2lbs a week, and even puts weight on some weeks. Fruit is good but contains a lot of (natural) sugar. I like chopped fruit on Weetabix or Cornflakes. Home-grown vegetables are so nice. Having a clear-out of "stuff" is satisfying, isn't it? Do you take things to the charity shop?

Wyllow3 What a great selection. I love how you've even got socks to match the different colours. Are you going to see your family soon? (Sorry if I missed you mentioning it before)

Doodle Great news about the dog. I hope she'll recover well and be back to her usual self soon. How frustrating that the boxes are too big. My brother really is alone - his son died just over 2 years ago, then his wife in March. His elderly friend, too. His other friend had got prostate cancer. I invited my brother for dinner this week. He said perhaps Wednesday. We'll see.

EllieAnne You're doing what you feel is right, even though you don't love your husband. You must feel very unhappy and lonely. Your friends probably don't know what to say to you - you stay but don't want to be there, and won't or can't leave. There isn't an easy solution. Your feelings matter, and we on here care.

Jaffa was a very good boy all night and didn't wake me (I woke at 6.30 though). DH and I are going to go to Matlock later, for a change. Hope everyone manages to have agood day x

Have a lovely Matlock day, HVDY. it's nice and cooler today.

Family is the weekend of Friday 7th onwards. No fixed ending, I can see how it goes. I am nervous about coping due to low energy, its up to me to not feel I ought to be an active gran, tho its sad not to be, isnt it, really mainly as I missed chunks of childhood in depressive periods. Tho I have had some amazing fun times like being the first family bits to see them after the worst of covid - forever memories.

That is wise and beautiful for EllieAnne, Sweetpeasue. Its hard to feel spiritual love when one is very very down, but you have not cut yourself off from its possibility xx

DiL and I have a complex relationship, due sadly to issues relating to Ex, and I hope quietly to make a little headway there.
I know for instance I can't breathe a word about why I have been more absent for the last 8 months then so tired and so on. They are old enough to surmise now.

Your brother just wont change at the moment, will he? I know you always let him know you are there and believe me that is key, he hasn't been able to push you away.

So tired today! Nice short Q zoom, did some bits of admin, and I am exhausted - I didn't get out yesterday either. Got to go with the flow.

Doodle Hope youve not been suffering with the heat today. Its impossible to work when its that hot isnt it. You can be pleased with all the efforts made yesterday to sort out the wardrobe and shoes. I would like some different sketchers too, Ive only white at present - well theyre not so white right now. So glad your son's dog is home and hope hes getting better.
HVDY O know its awful but I dont eat breakfast though I can eat a handful or 2 of grapes. Im sure you're right about dieting being harder being older. I seemed to lose weight fairly quickly if Id dieted when I was younger. Actually theres something else I need to be careful of - Im ashamed to admit an eating disorder I had in my late 20s ,lasting 7yrs which a psychologist helped me get into control. Ive to be careful of feeling too full so the weight Ive put on is really snacking on the wrong things, sugar. Plus Im drinking too much.
Hope youve had a great day at Matlock. Everyone says how great it is yet Ive still never been.
Wyllow I do agree with you about people finding their own connections to faith and to each their own. Though I admit I feel that human nature is lacking by itself and needs something to lead us into a spiritual path, if that makes sense. I lean strongly towards the Christian message but Im not always certain .
Sorry you have been having some tired days. Its no good pushing things though and you do well to listen to your body- you are very aware in that way arent you - ( yoga)
Relationships with DILs seem to vary a lot with different people. I have gone a long time with huge gaps not being able to see son 1 and family ( illness mine and especially DHs.) Im just so glad that my son is so happy with her and thats the main thing isnt it. Shes a nice person.
Its probably best you take your visit to your son and famy and leave it open as to exactly how long youll be there. Less daunting I think - take it one day at a time. It must be very difficult when your energy is so low.
Scaredycat Hope youve been OK today.

Sorry may be back later.

sweetpeasueIve just spent two days reorganising my wardrobe and shoes. Managed to find a place for my two new shoe containers and got all my shoes organised in them. Living in an apartment space and storage is very limited. To find a home for one thing you have to move something else out. Got so exhausted with it. Then I had to make a trip to the dump and bag up stuff for charity. I had to bring in my three step ladder to reach. Not very good at going up and down steps . Totally worn out now.
Wyllow sorry I should know but how old are your grandchildren? If you don’t have the energy for run around games how about taking some board games or Lego or something? Hope you are able to improve your relationship with your DIl? Maybe keep things light and just chat.
HVDY my friend is diabetic and she told me about the sugar in fruit. Berries are best so I have raspberries with my breakfast and strawberries after dinner. I have five almonds with both of them as they say eating nuts with fruit controls the sugar spike. Is Matlock a day trip or are you staying overnight. I have a friend with family there but never been there myself . Is it nice?
Ellie Anne I’m sorry you can’t talk about your situation with your friends. I hope I don’t upset you because that’s not what I want to do but just trying to explain why your friend may not want to talk about it. As you know I love my DH very much. We had a loving marriage and I cannot imagine how you can live with your husband without that love. I appreciate that it is so hard for you. I have a friend whose husband was abusive and another whose husband was an alcoholic. Whilst I sympathise with them I find it hard to talk to them about it as it was so far removed from my own situation. Some women talk about their husbands in a critical way. They don’t necessarily mean it but it’s common between some women. I never criticised my husband. Never said bad things about him to anyone nor him about me. We talked to each other. That was our relationship just being together.
Sorry I’m not putting this well I’m trying to say that perhaps your friend and the people at church just don’t know what to say to you. If you met someone whose relationship with their husband was similar to yours I’m sure that you would be able to talk about it. Could you perhaps have some counselling where you just get to talk your feelings out with someone?
I do care for you and feel so bad that this is your life. You are very caring to do so much for your husband and family. You deserve so much more.

Scaredycat any news of your SIls father? Hope he’s receiving proper care now. dGSs dog is home and being spoilt rotten. She’s doing well but her ears are still a bit floppy so she’s not quite herself yet,
Hope you’re ok, bit cooler today but still warm here.

Scaredycat I do hope your SILs father is getting all the care he needs by now. You must all be worried about him .
Doodle It must be very hard having to do everything in your home yourself. We dont have a garage or much space to put things but I can see it will be difficult in an apartment. Hope its all sorted now for you.

Bit of shopping this morning, trip to pick up prescriptions. This afternoon went for a walk by the sea. Poor DH was suffering so we managed to sit for a little while before getting back to the car.
Fluff day tomorrow .

Hope everyone is ok. Love to all. X