Anxiety over gc going on days out

I have young grandchildren but there is little point getting anxious about everything they do. As time goes on there will be far more things they take part in one of mine is off on a residential school trip next week. Quite honestly they have their life to live with as many experiences as possible. Bad things can happen any time anywhere but 99% of the time they don't.
Are you usually so anxious about things in general or is it just this one thing.

If you’re worried now, well, it won’t improve as they get older, I’m afraid.

Parties, late nights out, going to the pub, walking home late at night, driving, being driven by friends…..

you can probably tell I’m anxious by nature!) I was the same when my own kids were small but had control over their activities then.

Stop it now.
The key word is control.
You have to let your family live their own lives without interference, because this is what it is. My mother did similar, always insisting on knowing where and what I was doing and interrogating friends to find out if I didn't say. It continued after my marriage and children, became worse when I separated, and eventually I reunited with my husband in my forties and moved many miles away.
Sadly, it was a great relief to know my private life remained private.
I sometimes wonder if this is sometimes the cause of estrangement of adult children; too much involvement in their lives for the best possible reasons but a refusal to let go; the partner /spouse recognises it and rejects it.

The uestion you ask, is what can you do to stop this problem, or at least alleviate it.

The best I can suggest is a course of CBT(Cognitive Behaviour Therapy). This is defined as a practical, structured talking therapy that helps you manage mental health and behavioral challenges. It works by identifying the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and actions, and teaching you practical coping strategies to break negative cycles and improve your mood

You should be able to get a referral through your doctor, or, if you go online to your GP Practice website, Among all the nitty gritty about appointments and prescriptions, they also have pages of accessible information about mental and physical health and may have information about CBT courses there

I think most of us see the world as a more dangerous place to the one we grew up in. It's natural to be concerned about our GC's safety but you will have to keep those concerns to yourself, I'm afraid. Your DD clearly feels comfortable with her daughter going out with this family member and you will have to accept that. Look forward to hearing about the wonderful time she had. As MOnica says, getting help with your anxiety is the route to take. I would follow her advice and good luck.

Excellent, helpful advice from MOnica.

easybee, sound words. batshizzle, it is very positive that you recognise your anxiety . However .............you must try and get a grip on this ! It is not healthy for your GC to sense your anxiety and it is not healthy for you either.
Let this go please 🙏 for everyone's sake.
No one and that that includes children enjoy being constantly monitored. You are in danger of losing your GC if this continues. I love my children/ GC but respect their need for privacy , result- we have sound relationships.
It is not your responsibility to monitor / safeguard your GD. The only exception to that rule is when your GD is in your care. Live your life , enjoy your life and stop this pre occupation with 'protecting' your GD, it' s not your job. See your GP and discuss your irrational fear. I wish you well - good luck.

I agree. don't head straight for drugs - try and find out whats underlying this level of anxiety on a fairly specific issue with good counselling, and for something like this I agree CBT is spot on.

Why don’t you ask not to be told if your gd is going out with someone? You wouldn’t need to worry if you didn’t know.
I worried (but only a bit) when my older children were out late but not when they were away at university or travelling.
I hadn’t got a clue what they were doing or where they were then so didn’t know when to worry,
Hope that makes sense.

I worried (but only a bit) when my older children were out late but not when they were away at university or travelling.
I hadn’t got a clue what they were doing or where they were then so didn’t know when to worry,

One of ours was away at university for three years, then worked in the same city for a further two years.
He then moved back home.

He'd go out for the evening and my husband used to stay up until he got home. Madness.
Eventually husband realised he needed to let go...

If it is any help, not going out and experiencing the world would be much more dangerous.

I was never worried when my adult children were younger. When my DD used to go to nightclubs as a teenager I never lost a minutes sleep because I knew she and her best friend would not separate and always came home together no matter how late .
The one time I did get myself in a tizzy was because my 18 year old son who was a home bird and always in by 11pm went out in my car and wasn’t back by midnight . I had my husband phoning the police and hospitals to see if he’d been in an accident.
He rolled up at 1.30am saying he’d been helping his mates with food deliveries!
This was in the days before mobile phones .
I only panicked because he was usually so reliable . He’s 51 now and has his own 19 year old car driving son to worry about 😂.

Hi all! Thank you for your sound advice and a kick up the proverbial! I have a very sound and close relationship with my DD and she understands my anxious nature. But I do keep the majority of it to myself as it’s unfair to burden her with it. I have been here before when my own were growing up, the late nights etc. I just didn’t realise all this would rear its ugly head again with the GD! I think I just needed to hear someone say that I’m being ridiculous as my logical brain tells me. The emotional brain sometimes shouts louder but yes CBT may be the next step. I’ve certainly gotten worse after menopause too although I’m not making excuses. Thanks again for your responses it’s helped massively. ❤️

Hello again. Just an update to say I’m seeing a clinical hypnotherapist next week to get a handle on this dreadful anxiety. If I could just stop I would but it’s overwhelming. It was lovely to talk to someone about this and she was so understanding.
I just wanted to ask if anyone has experienced similar anxiety escalating after menopause? Could it be hormone related? HRT isn’t something I’ve considered but maybe it’s another option.

I am another who backs counselling it will help get things in perspective snd it will also help you find ideas that you can do to help yourself.
The first thing you must do yourself, is ask your daughter to only tell you about your grandaughters activities AFTER they have occurred, then you can hear about her good times and see photos without any prior worry.
Worry is normal but over anxiety to the point you are at, is not normal.
Good luck with the counselling much much better than tablets

batshizzle4 Good morning
I've just seen your early morning post.
Yes, two members of my family suffered dreadfully with overwhelming anxiety, utter dread, at menopause. In one, it was as if adrenaline had been switched on and couldn't be turned off. It was terrible to see the suffering of this normally competent woman.
Eventually, both women received the help they needed. Talking therapy, in both cases was not enough. If you have a chemical/hormone imbalance only a medical professional can help you. One of the women in my family needed the help of a pharmaceutical psychiatrist.
I sincerely wish you well and hope you quickly find the help you need to live your life without this burden.

Thank you so much for your responses! Menopause has only been in the back of my mind until recently. Maybe it does play a bigger part and it’s not all ‘in my head’. The comparison to not being able to switch off the adrenalin is spot on. It’s quite debilitating when it’s at its worst. I will see how the therapy goes and also make a gp appointment to discuss possible hormone replacement. Thanks again, all advice is helpful.

I sympathise OP. I suffered from catastrophising when dgs1 was little. I used to imagine all sorts of awful things happening to him. I never told dd and I forced my mind to think of other things when it started. I would also reason my way out of it. It wasn't as bad with dgs2, although still there at times. I occasionally would have these thoughts with ds and dd when they were young but never as bad as with my grandchildren. I have put it down to lack of control and therefore it's a 'me' problem. I'm glad you are seeking help. Good luck.

To add to what others have said I wonder if you are retired and so have a lot of time to think and worry whereas at work you would have been busy concentrating on other things. Remember the awful things we hear on the news are very, very rare.

Thanks for your responses all. Gran22boys No I’m not retired yet, still working, and have a very busy life which is a blessing. As you say, having time to think would explain a lot but that’s not the case. I love to be busy for that very reason but the anxiety still ticks in the background even at work! If I was retired I think I’d have to volunteer somewhere just to keep my sanity. I’ll report back after my appointment this week.
Grandmabatty … that’s exactly it. Hate it and sorry you suffered too but good to know it’s not just me.

Aldom

batshizzle4 Good morning
I've just seen your early morning post.
Yes, two members of my family suffered dreadfully with overwhelming anxiety, utter dread, at menopause. In one, it was as if adrenaline had been switched on and couldn't be turned off. It was terrible to see the suffering of this normally competent woman.
Eventually, both women received the help they needed. Talking therapy, in both cases was not enough. If you have a chemical/hormone imbalance only a medical professional can help you. One of the women in my family needed the help of a pharmaceutical psychiatrist.
I sincerely wish you well and hope you quickly find the help you need to live your life without this burden.

Adrenalin is a fuel in our bodies to cope with fight or flight.
As we now ( usually) don’t have to fight or take flight that fuel needs to be used otherwise it just stays in your body.
Heart pumping exercise is the cheapest and easiest ways to deal with it.
It can be anything you choose to do provided it raises the heart beat. The fuel is then used up.
Deep breathing also works. Deep breathing has to start in the abdomen, not the chest. If your stomach isn’t extending your not breathing deeply.

You're not depressed, you are over anxious, you recognise this yourself Why not go to GP, you may be given medicatioon or recommended for counselling. Do you have enough going on in your life to be distracted from what is going on at times with GD. Perhaps you need to be involved in something that will occupy your mind. You know what the problem is, you just need to seek professional advice to enable you to enjoy your GD more.

I sympathise and empathise with you batshizzle4 and others . This quote has helped me try to learn to let go of my anxiety and need to control.
‘Our adult children do not need us to manage their lives. They need us to manage ourselves- our anxiety, our expectations, our reactions and our need to fix. The healthiest gift we can give them is a calm and steady presence’. Easier said than done😄

batshizzle4 - if you go to the doctor you will not be prescribed anti-depressants for anxiety as the two conditions are different. Depression is rooted in the past, whereas anxiety is rooted in the future (i.e. it's about fear). So you could be prescribed something like Sertraline for anxiety and I know this is very helpful for some people. On the other hand, you could increase your natural consumption of serotonin through eating more bananas and chocolate. If you couple that approach with some CBT which your GP will point you to via the NHS, you will learn to use your cognitive abilities to weigh up evidence and establish the likelihood of your fears coming true. Knowing the reality will dilute your anxiety and enhance your pleasure at the thought that your GC is enjoying life. It really is important that you get this anxiety under control because your GC will sense this within you and it may rub off on her.