What would you do?

I've just had an operation (Glaucoma) and I have to put in eyedrops 13 times a day, and I manage, its no big deal. I don't want to go blind.

Do as you would be done by.

My husband and I are well past retirement age. We have both needed eye drops recently and are both perfectly capable of doing our own. It may take a little practice. Is his behaviour a control issue?

Just to let you know , I live on my own and have been putting drops in my eyes every morning for years. It's perfectly possible, though sometimes I miss slightly and some liquid is wasted - but very little.

Coincidentally I've just come back from the eye clinic and hvae been told that I must put different drops in THREE times a day. Putting them in wont be the problem - remembering to do so WILL!

I would go down the 'Use it or Lose it" route and mention that you are happy to help with things he really struggles with but he also needs to help himself too for his own sense of security.

I would remind him that you may not always be able to help him and how would he cope then.

I think when one person becomes less able in the relationship, it is difficult for the other one as the relationship dynamic has now changed and yes 'in sickness and health' but you have to examine what you can realistically manage and also examine the thoughts that are coming up for you around your situation.

I find writing it all down can bring clarity.

Perhaps you could speak to someone to help you come to terms with things and find a comfortable way to go forward.
This for your own wellbeing going forward .

There is Attendance Allowance post retirement age..

'In sickness and in health"

Nannan2 there is no carers allowance after retirement age, at least no financial benefit. Perhaps I presume wrongly that OP is past retirement age. If you are thinking about Attendance Allowance that is completely different.

Maybe if youre doing so much for him you could ask about applying for a carers allowance maybe? You'd still be doing everything but at least it would be acknowledged youre doing all the caring offically.

I would kindly but firmly point out that something might happen to you in the future and he needs to get used to doing little things which do not pain him for himself or he might end up in care.
I would also inform your GP that you are administrating the eye drops which are difficult but if you leave small bottles of water that he does not drink maybe he is depressed and needs to talk to a medic. If he does not keep up his fluids he could end up with even more medical problems.Even a phone conversation with a GP might motivate him.

I would feel ill having to tell a grown adult to do things around the house. So it wouldnt be for me but only you know what you can tolerate.

I don't think it unreasonable for him to expect you to put the drops in his eye.......self medicating eye drops isn't very easy and doesn't come naturally to everyone.

On the topic of him doing more, when you are starting a task just ask him to help, engage him in tidying up, loading the washer etc and when you start to prepare a meal get him involved and give him something to do.

Not only will this keep him occupied and possibly lift his spirits it will also prepare him for a time when you might not be available.

I baby everyone in my family. That noted, I'd do the eye drops, carry him drinks, drive him to hospital. I'd ask for help with my phone, computer, lists, anything he could do from his lap. Everyone truly needs a purpose and tasks in a well functioning relationship, I think.

Thank you for all your comments. I guess it just gets me down at times but he is not going to change now. I think I will contact the doctor for advice. That is what I am worried about - if anything happens to me.

Only you know what he is capable of doing for himself, do not enable him, the less he does for himself the less he will be able to do in the future.

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What would I do?

Well, I wouldn’t stop doing all that because then the lng term outcome would just be worse.

Do you ask him to make you a drink or are you waiting for him to realise that you want a drink or whatever.

I find telling them what to do works wonderfully well as in “go and make me a cup of tea OH”.
where sitting and hoping doesn’t get you anywhere

Does your OH usually react to illness like this or is this unusual? Eye problems can be painful and pain does grind people down. I agree with MawtheMerrier, talk to him about it firmly but gently before it comes out in a resentful rush. Is there anyone else who can take him to an appointment/put his drops in etc. and give you a break? By now I’m guessing you’re feeling pretty worn out.

It might be a mild depression because of the lack of interest in getting it sorted. Sometimes people just don’t deal with issues very well especially when mobility isn’t so good. Have a quiet word with him or ring up the surgery for some advice. A phone consultation with the doctor may just be all he needs to help himself.

I would put the drops in his eye, take him to the hospital appointments and accept that with mobility issues, fetching you a hot drink might end up with half of it on the floor!
I sympathise, but either you point out, gently but firmly, that he needs to take more responsibility for his own welfare or you live with it.
Bottling up resentment gets “ nobody nowhere”.