Feeling let down

I'm sorry you are upset by this but honestly, I can't see the problem. Your friends have other friends they see now and again. I can't see there's anything wrong with this.

You said yourself that this couple had an existing social network.

It sound like you have been doing things as a foursome but have never been integrated into their wider network. Is that right?

If this has been going on for a few years they probably think you are happy with the way things are. Have you ever said otherwise?

Networks are exactly that, Venn diagrams where parts overlap and parts don’t.

I think you are being a tad over-sensitive regarding the wine bar. I’d have just said something like. “Let me know if it’s any good then perhaps we can make a date to go there as we said we’d like to try it.”

Can you think of any reason why they might not want you as part of their wider circle (if that is the case). Anyone there you might not get along with or vice versa? Or maybe they just prefer socialising in foursomes and nothing larger.

I think Graphite gives good advice about this problem.

Is the Madrid trip just the four of you?

To me, things sound a bit one-sided.

They have a wide circle of friends, but you are the ones who have hosted them the last two Christmas days, and you’re hosting again this year, because they have ‘family issues’ and would be on their own. So they haven’t offered to host you for a change?

And none of their existing circle have offered to have them either.

If it were me, I think I would ease off on the holiday plans, and future Christmas meals.

But then I don’t really want to do loads of stuff with others, so perhaps I’m odd!

It sounds as though you are just one of the couples your friends socialise with. They had their circle of friends before you arrived.
They do seem to take your hospitality without reciprocating much.
You may just have to accept them as they are if you want the friendship to continue but it sounds as though you are having doubts about them.

Thank you all for your input, we are having a difficult time ourselves at the moment and so probably are just a tad over sensitive. We do know their other friends and whilst we don't socialise we do swap plants, catch up if we bump into each other so perhaps I should invite them round along with our friends to widen the circle.
Re Christmas, we didn't expect to host this year as we had hoped the family issue had settled down and we have our son and family coming but they sort of invited themselves and we didn't have the heart to say no! Our son is fine with this but perhaps next year we get in first and change the dynamics.
Re the trip, nothing is planned yet so I think we will look again when we are feeling a bit more positive.

but they sort of invited themselves and we didn’t have the heart to say no!

What a cheek! I think I would have said sorry, but we’ve got a full house with family this year.

You sound too kind hearted to me, and they are making use of your friendship, but it seems you are getting things sorted, so hope it all works out in the end.

I wouldn't host them at Christmas...they are doing the mickey there ...your son will have said its fine....but he is having less time with you his parents as you also focusing on your other guests....no way would I have friends at Christmas if I had my children amd grandchildren

Oh this sounds just why I prefer being on my own
Good luck I d be a bit less open with the invitations in the future, why don’t you and partner just do stuff together

I should imagine that almost everyone has more than one friend, so try not to feel resentful when they socialise with someone who isn't you! You're allowed to forge other friendships too, so don't do yourself any more damage by focussing on this one. Try to ease off and don't whatever you do feel jealous.
Christmas is another matter. If you don't want to host other people, then you have to take your courage in your hands and say no (not as baldly as that, obviously, but you will have to get the message across clearly).

tbh I don't mix my friends up unless it is a big event, like a party. I have people who I'd invite to supper together but I have to think they'd be good company for each other or I wouldn't. It's difficult making friends as we get older as so many people are in established groups but it's not impossible. Go to things that interest you, be friendly but not clingy and smile. Your friends don't need to include you in their circle, nor do you need to invite them for Christmas, IMO friendship is about giving and if you get something back, then that's a win!

I think you are being overly generous having them for Christmas again, especially as your son and family will be there.
Their family issue is not your problem and possibly says a lot about them as this is an ongoing issue!
And, as a poster said above, why haven't their other friends invited them for Christmas? They've known them longest!
The more you get to know them, the less you'll want to see them...I think

Thank you all again. We don't expect to monopolise their time and fully accept they have more friends and obviously want to spend time with them. We were just a bit hurt to hear that plans for the four of us to visit the wine bar seemed to have been pushed aside in favour of others along with a stream of meals out etc and no suggestion we get together.
I think we have been over sensitive on this issue but probably because we are also sensitive to how anything we say impacts others.
Re Christmas, not sure whether their other friends are aware of the family issue so in fairness wouldn't think to offer perhaps.
We do enjoy their company so will put this behind us and look forward to a full house at Christmas!
Perhaps my new year resolution will be to try to make more friends, not easy as I don't like to push myself forward!

Yes I think widening your social circle is a good idea, then you can tell this couple all about what you are doing with your other friends.
I just think this couple must be tactless to tell you all about what they are doing with other friends without saying ‘hey why don’t you two come along’, seeing as you host them for Christmas and this year your son and his family will also be there.
But there’s nowt as queer as folk. And the sooner you have other friends the better you will feel about all of this 💐

I ve read through this again and really I m not over keen on the Christmas thing why do you feel you need to ‘rescue’ them They re not on their own they ve got each other
Why not host a person who really has no one The best Christmas’s I ever had were the years I hosted overseas uni
(mature students) who had no where to go We really did have a ball ( and got paid for it) but that would be a lovely option or a homeless person or an elderly person with no one there are so many possibilities better than rescuing someone who doesn’t need rescuing

I wouldn't be having them Christmas, it's your family time. Why on earth did you suggest it. I would tell them now Christmas is off. Your son could hardly refuse to come to you.

I would not be having them for Christmas, I would say you have family coming so want to spend time with them,I'm sure they will understand, they have plenty of other friends to spend time with,its a wonder why they haven't asked them before, enjoy your family time and find more friends yourselves.

Could you ask if you could join the wine bar trip as you like the sound of it and havent been there yet? Then you may get your answer to why you havent been included in their other outings.

Re Christmas. It should really be their turn this year and before they knew that your son was coming should have invited you both to theirs.

But some people really really don't like cooking for others (I dont enjoy it others do) and maybe that is the case as their social evenings are snacks and drinks.

I hope when they visit for Christmas they come loaded with drink and buy the turkey or whatever else would be a substantial offering.

But if you really like them you may have to accept the way they are if you want to continue the friendship. Is the Madrid visit part of a tour group? You may find new friendly couples there if you go without this couple.

The first christmas they joined us they were in a really bad place and we didn't have family coming so it felt a kind thing to do. Last year was just our daughter with us so again, the offer was extended after hints how much they had enjoyed the previous year and in fairness we had a great time. We wouldn't dream of changing things this year but will review things for next year depending on family - we may go and visit our daughter who is expecting first child in the spring.
Trip to Madrid is just the four of us. Having read everyone's replies I am feeling better so thank you all for much needed perspective xx

They could have invited you to meet these friends, of course the friends could be loud. So maybe that’s why they haven’t invited you along.

I have a couple of friends who like a drink, are loud & brag a lot (I keep them at arms length). I certainly wouldn’t invite them to meet my other friends that are like me, don’t really drink, who are on the same page, without the need to hog the conversation like these other friends of ours do.

So, you invite them regularly for supper and they only have you back for drinks and snacks? This sounds like a very uneven friendship.
Do they contribute to the Christmas day lunch, foodwise?

Let it be.

Yes we each do a different course, we do main course as it's easier to cook turkey/veg here. They also bring wine and we do have a lovely time, christmas wasn't really the issue it was feeling passed over for other get togethers.
Woke up today feeling much more positive and we have friends from our home town visiting this weekend so looking forward to that.
Thank you all for your replies

I understand full well why you and your husband or partner feel that this couple were tactless.

They were, and have been for quite some time, if they have never invited you at the same time as all these other friends they have in their circle.

In your place, I would assume right now that they, having accepted your invitation for Christmas will be coming, although I think I probably would check this before ordering supplies for Christmas dinner.

And I would find an opportunity to say that you have decided not to go to Madrid - you do not need to state a reason, but have something like last couple of summers' extreme heat up your sleeve, if they ask.