Feeling let down

I think the fact that this couple have an ongoing issue with their family members which means they can't spend Christmas with them says a lot about them.

I think as you say, you are going through some challenges. Perhaps you are hoping for some kindness and consideration from these newish friends.

They, perhaps have different ideas.

Christmas is such an emotioanlly loaded time, tricky.

Surely Christmas is a time to be kind , generous and hospitable.. Do go ahead and have these friends for Christmas. I think you are being a little over sensitive. Perhaps try and make other friends and broaden your social circle. I wish you well

whatwouldyoudo
Enjoy the weekend with your old friends. Csn you discuss this situation with them as they have known you for some time previously?
Can you take them to the wine bar so at least you know what it's like without going just the 2 of you.

I have 2 groups of friends with some of them being in both groups. Whilst we would love to combine them, there is a very upstanding, religious lady who is lovely in one group and a hard drinking, outrageous lady in the other. They really wouldn't mix well and we don't want either of them to feel uncomfortable. Maybe it is a similar sort of thing with your friends. They may feel the dynamics wouldn't work whilst feeling comfortable in both sets of company.
I would be asking myself if I enjoyed their company. If I did, I would carry on as usual but wouldn't let myself be hinted at for an invitation to Christmas Dinner if I didn't want it.
Widening your circle to include the people you exchange plants with sounds like a great idea.

I have a friend who I have supported through her mum’s decline through dementia and big problems at work . I mentioned a show in London I particularly wanted to see when I could afford it . A few months later she went to London with another friend and went to see the show I suggested. She said they had booked last minute but I knew this was virtually impossible as it was a sellout . I was very hurt . She has no partner or family so for years I made sure we always did something on her birthday but the last couple of years she has made excuses but then gone out with a new friend . I asked her if anything was wrong but she just said we had both been busy . I have just been away and she never even asked how the holiday went. I have stepped back now and will wait for her to contact me . Sad after 30 years but I have come to realise she is a bit of a “user”

Why be so needy? they aren’t really into you, it sounds, they only need you for what they can get out of you, or else they would have included you in the main group.
I wouldn’t be going away on holiday, you have a partner, why don’t you enjoy a holiday together and I d use your son and family coming at Christmas as a reason for change of plan .
Up to you but that’s what I would do

It might help you to read the book The Let them Theory by Mel Robbins. Let them live their lives and let it wash over you.

Whatwouldyoudo

Thank you all for your input, we are having a difficult time ourselves at the moment and so probably are just a tad over sensitive. We do know their other friends and whilst we don't socialise we do swap plants, catch up if we bump into each other so perhaps I should invite them round along with our friends to widen the circle.
Re Christmas, we didn't expect to host this year as we had hoped the family issue had settled down and we have our son and family coming but they sort of invited themselves and we didn't have the heart to say no! Our son is fine with this but perhaps next year we get in first and change the dynamics.
Re the trip, nothing is planned yet so I think we will look again when we are feeling a bit more positive.

well I think that given that they are coming to you for Christmas and did so last year as well, that even though you are not 'In' with their wider circle, it would have been polite of them to ask you to join them at a couple of these outings, not all, as it would perhaps be long standing friends of their own but just to a couple of outings where you could mix a bit more with these people. I would have felt sensitive about it too.
I would test the water myself and next time they say 'Oh Peter and Julie want to try out the garden centre so we're going with them' Jump in and say 'Oh we'll come too, we've always won dered what the garden centre is like, what time are you meeting?' If they don't invite you, then I would say you are busy with your son at Christmas !!!

Ps. I would definitely not go away with them anymore. Not when they are treating you like this, as it will ruin your trip. I hope you enjoy your break in peace.

Feelingletdown. I do sympathise, and actually, I don't think you are wrong to feel let down. Why wouldn't they include you in the wine bar outing. It was your idea! I would be seriously miffed by that too. It would rankle. I think that they are being insensitive, and perhaps a bit mean. You are absolutely right to distance yourselves a bit if they are hurting you. If their behaviour continues I would reduce contact, and try to find other guests for Xmas meal. They can be relegated to drinks and snacks...Let them have a taste of their own medicine! Also, try to widen your net for new friends. New people are always moving in. Try to befriend some of them. Good luck.

you are being used, tell them family is coming, ask if they can go the home of the wine bar friends

Very sensible to continue with Christmas and you should still do the holiday. Friendships change and also go through phases of seeing more or less of each other and it would be silly to loose a friendship. I do however understand why you would feel let down or put to one side, it does not sound like it’s a purpose thing as they had openly told you their plans thinking nothing of it. Some couples have more friends and if they have family issues they need a larger group of friends I’d imagine. Enjoy the friendship you have and maybe say next time oh if you go again we would love to join you 😊 it’s always horrible when you feel left out but it sounds like they are filling their time , understandable if have no close family connections? You sound like a nice friend 😊

Agree with Calendar girl. Things do sound a bit one sided and they could be taking advantage of you.

Also it's a bit odd that that have not introduced you even briefly for a drink or a coffee to their friends.

Hosting people at Christmas is quite big deal in terms of time and money.

I would consider going away for Christmas tbh just as a couple. Just for a change. Maybe a bit expensive but could be really enjoyable.

I understand full well why you and your husband or partner feel that this couple were tactless.

They were, and have been for quite some time, if they have never invited you at the same time as all these other friends they have in their circle.

In your place, I would assume right now that they, having accepted your invitation for Christmas will be coming, although I think I probably would check this before ordering supplies for Christmas dinner.

And I would find an opportunity to say that you have decided not to go to Madrid - you do not need to state a reason, but have something like last couple of summers' extreme heat up your sleeve, if they ask.

Yes we each do a different course, we do main course as it's easier to cook turkey/veg here. They also bring wine and we do have a lovely time, christmas wasn't really the issue it was feeling passed over for other get togethers.
Woke up today feeling much more positive and we have friends from our home town visiting this weekend so looking forward to that.
Thank you all for your replies

Let it be.

So, you invite them regularly for supper and they only have you back for drinks and snacks? This sounds like a very uneven friendship.
Do they contribute to the Christmas day lunch, foodwise?

They could have invited you to meet these friends, of course the friends could be loud. So maybe that’s why they haven’t invited you along.

I have a couple of friends who like a drink, are loud & brag a lot (I keep them at arms length). I certainly wouldn’t invite them to meet my other friends that are like me, don’t really drink, who are on the same page, without the need to hog the conversation like these other friends of ours do.

The first christmas they joined us they were in a really bad place and we didn't have family coming so it felt a kind thing to do. Last year was just our daughter with us so again, the offer was extended after hints how much they had enjoyed the previous year and in fairness we had a great time. We wouldn't dream of changing things this year but will review things for next year depending on family - we may go and visit our daughter who is expecting first child in the spring.
Trip to Madrid is just the four of us. Having read everyone's replies I am feeling better so thank you all for much needed perspective xx

Could you ask if you could join the wine bar trip as you like the sound of it and havent been there yet? Then you may get your answer to why you havent been included in their other outings.

Re Christmas. It should really be their turn this year and before they knew that your son was coming should have invited you both to theirs.

But some people really really don't like cooking for others (I dont enjoy it others do) and maybe that is the case as their social evenings are snacks and drinks.

I hope when they visit for Christmas they come loaded with drink and buy the turkey or whatever else would be a substantial offering.

But if you really like them you may have to accept the way they are if you want to continue the friendship. Is the Madrid visit part of a tour group? You may find new friendly couples there if you go without this couple.

I would not be having them for Christmas, I would say you have family coming so want to spend time with them,I'm sure they will understand, they have plenty of other friends to spend time with,its a wonder why they haven't asked them before, enjoy your family time and find more friends yourselves.

I wouldn't be having them Christmas, it's your family time. Why on earth did you suggest it. I would tell them now Christmas is off. Your son could hardly refuse to come to you.

I ve read through this again and really I m not over keen on the Christmas thing why do you feel you need to ‘rescue’ them They re not on their own they ve got each other
Why not host a person who really has no one The best Christmas’s I ever had were the years I hosted overseas uni
(mature students) who had no where to go We really did have a ball ( and got paid for it) but that would be a lovely option or a homeless person or an elderly person with no one there are so many possibilities better than rescuing someone who doesn’t need rescuing

Yes I think widening your social circle is a good idea, then you can tell this couple all about what you are doing with your other friends.
I just think this couple must be tactless to tell you all about what they are doing with other friends without saying ‘hey why don’t you two come along’, seeing as you host them for Christmas and this year your son and his family will also be there.
But there’s nowt as queer as folk. And the sooner you have other friends the better you will feel about all of this 💐